How Often Do Couples Argue or Fight in a Healthy Relationship (21 Answers)

Arguments, whether about small things like what to have for dinner or bigger issues, are bound to happen in any relationship. But how often is too often to argue, and what’s considered normal?

In this article, we’ll look at how often couples argue and what this means for a healthy relationship. We’ll talk about productive arguing and when fights might signal deeper problems.

Want to know where your relationship stands? Keep reading to find out.

The Key Is How You Argue, Not How Often

How couples argue is more important than how many times they disagree. It’s about dealing with problems as a team and talking things out calmly.

The focus should be on solving the issue, not on winning the argument or having the final word. It’s okay to disagree, but it’s not okay to hurt each other with words. Saying sorry can go a long way in making things right again.

"In a healthy relationship, the key is not how much you fight, but how well you fight. If your fights leave you feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disconnected that is a danger sign. If your arguments play out in a way in which you both feel emotionally safe with each other, that is a good sign." 

Stephanie Macadaan, LMFT | Licensed therapist | Creator of The Happy Couple Plan

Healthy Couples Argue Less Than Unhealthy Ones

In relationships where things are going well, couples don’t argue over every little thing. They know it’s not worth fighting about the small stuff. When they do argue, they make up faster and get back to having a good time.

Arguing all the time can be a sign of a bigger problem. But, in healthy relationships, it’s normal to have more happy times than arguments.

What it looks like:

  • Addressing minor annoyances calmly.
  • Regularly sharing thoughts and feelings.
  • Solving problems before they escalate.

Healthy Couples Resolve Conflicts Quickly

When couples sort out their problems fast, they don’t let the bad feelings linger. They don’t put off talking about it and try to address what’s wrong as soon as possible.

By solving issues quickly, they keep their relationship strong and avoid long-lasting upset. It takes both people working together to fix things, and it has to be a fair effort from both sides. Quick problem-solving shows care for each other and for the relationship.

"The sign of a healthy relationship is when during an argument one or both people are willing to compromise and come up with a solution just to keep peace in the relationship."

Sophia Reed, Ph.D., NCC | Marriage and Family Therapist | National Certified Counselor

Arguing Productively Is More Important Than Frequency

Having arguments that lead to solutions is better than worrying about how many times you argue.

When couples argue productively, they talk about what’s bothering them and fix it. It’s like cleaning up a mess: focus on getting the job done, not how often you have to do it. Productive arguing ends with both people understanding each other better.

Example: A couple disagrees on spending habits. They talk it out, create a budget, and feel great about managing money together.

"This means don't let fights escalate to the point of doing damage to the relationship. Keep things focused and on topic, don’t raise your voices and listen to each other’s point of view before responding." 

Brad Browning | Relationship Coach | Breakup & Divorce Expert, LoveLearnings

Healthy Couples Don’t Let Arguments Escalate

Couples in a strong relationship keep cool during an argument. They stop fights from turning into something way bigger than the issue should be. It’s about keeping things chill and not going overboard with emotions.

By not letting things escalate, they dodge creating bigger issues from small problems. This way, a little disagreement doesn’t have to turn into a huge fight.

Let’s say someone forgets to fill the car with gas. Instead of getting mad, the couple figures out a plan to remind each other next time.

Healthy Couples Learn From Their Arguments

Couples who are doing well use their arguments to grow together. Instead of just getting past an argument, they take something away from it that helps them. It’s like getting better at a hobby — every time you practice, you learn and improve.

These lessons from arguments help prevent the same issues from popping up again. Couples that learn from their arguments don’t argue about the same thing over and over.

Example: They argued about being late for a dinner date. Now, they set reminders for each other and are always on time.

Healthy Couples Argue to Understand, Not to Win

In good relationships, when couples argue, they’re trying to get where the other person is coming from. Their goal isn’t to be right all the time but to understand each other’s point of view.

It’s not about winning the argument; it’s about winning together as a team. They use their words to clarify things, not to prove a point. By doing this, they become closer and have a better understanding of each other.

"The key is finding the balance of not stuffing your feelings and being able to squabble with each other as much as needed because it feels safe to do so; you know your partner will hear you, it will not threaten the relationship and you won't be filled with resentment afterward." 

Stephanie Macadaan, LMFT | Licensed therapist | Creator of The Happy Couple Plan

Couples Who Argue Respectfully Tend to Be Happier

When couples argue, doing it in a respectful way can actually make them happier. This means they talk without shouting or being mean. They listen to what the other person has to say and take it seriously.

This type of arguing is actually good because it helps them understand each other without hurting feelings. Happy couples know that respect is the secret sauce in any good argument.

A few things to consider:

  • Are they careful not to use hurtful words even when they’re upset?
  • Do they take turns speaking and really listen to what’s being said?
  • Do they stick to the topic instead of bringing up old problems?
"A real healthy relationship knows that even when you argue that you still respect each other, love each other, and accept that it is okay to agree to disagree."

Sophia Reed, Ph.D., NCC | Marriage and Family Therapist | National Certified Counselor

Arguing Style Is More Critical Than Frequency

How couples argue is way more important than how often they have a tiff. Their style of arguing can either help them solve problems or make things worse.

Good arguing means they look for solutions and work together, not against each other. They avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that they’ll regret later. A healthy arguing style is about finding answers and moving forward.

Healthy Couples Apologize and Forgive After Arguments

When couples in a good relationship have an argument, they don’t just leave it hanging there. They say sorry if they’ve hurt each other, and they really mean it. And it’s not just about saying the words it’s about making things right again.

They also forgive each other because holding onto hurt doesn’t help anyone. Saying sorry and forgiving lets them move on and keep their relationship strong.

Example: They got into a fight about being late. Once they cooled down, they both said sorry, and now they laugh about who the slower one was to get ready.

Focus on Quality Communication, Not Argument Frequency

Talking well with each other is super important in relationships. It’s not about how often you argue but how you talk during and after the argument.

Good talk means being clear, staying calm, and trying to solve the problem, not just win the argument. Quality conversation helps solve problems instead of making them bigger.

Constant Arguing Is a Red Flag in a Relationship

If a couple is arguing all the time, it might be a warning sign that something’s not right. It could mean they’re not dealing with issues, so they keep coming up.

Constantly fighting can be exhausting and isn’t healthy for any relationship. If this is happening, it might be time to take a closer look and maybe get some help.

For instance, every night was fight night over little stuff. They decided to sit down with someone to talk it through and find out how to break the cycle.

"If you’re fighting with your partner every day, if it’s interfering with your ability to connect, or if it's having a negative impact on your life outside the relationship, then you’re fighting too much."

Brad Browning | Relationship Coach | Breakup & Divorce Expert, LoveLearnings

The Reasons Behind Arguments Are Crucial to Consider

Understanding why you’re arguing is just as important as the argument itself. The reasons behind conflicts often reveal deeper issues that need attention.

Recognizing these underlying causes can help resolve the argument more effectively and avoid similar fights in the future.

What it looks like:

  • Identifying patterns in your arguments.
  • Discussing each other’s feelings and needs honestly.
  • Working on long-term solutions rather than quick fixes.
"Another red flag is when one person or both people just argue for the sake of arguing and they just want to be 'right' and have no real merit or basis for what they are arguing about. That is not a healthy couple or a healthy argument." 

Sophia Reed, Ph.D., NCC | Marriage and Family Therapist | National Certified Counselor

Frequent Arguments May Indicate a Lack of Compatibility

This doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, but it does suggest that there are significant differences that need to be addressed.

Compatibility issues often show up as recurrent conflicts over the same topics. A lack of compatibility can be challenging, requiring patience and effort to resolve. Sometimes, it’s essential to evaluate whether these differences can be worked through, such as:

  • Regular disagreements about core values or lifestyle choices.
  • Continuous friction despite efforts to resolve issues.
  • Feeling like you’re always on different pages.

The Duration of Arguments Matters More Than Frequency

How long an argument lasts can say a lot about a relationship. Quick spats that resolve fast can be no big deal. But if arguments drag on for days, that can be really stressful. Healthy couples try to fix things quickly so they can get back to being happy together.

Example: If a disagreement about weekend plans drags on for hours, it might indicate poor conflict resolution skills. A quick, 10-minute discussion that leads to a plan is more productive and less stressful.

Frequent, Intense Arguments May Require Professional Help

When fights are constant and really heated, it may be a sign to get some outside advice. A therapist or counselor can help sort through the mess.

Asking for help is not a defeat; it’s smart. Getting a pro involved can be the first step to getting things back on track.

Here are a few things to consider:

  • Have arguments become too intense or hurtful?
  • Are they struggling to fix problems after many tries?
  • Might talking to someone with experience in solving relationship problems help them?

Couples Who Never Argue May Be Avoiding Issues

Couples that don’t ever argue might be ignoring problems instead of dealing with them. It’s like not going to the doctor because you don’t want bad news. But just like health issues, relationship problems don’t get better when you ignore them.

It’s pretty healthy to have a disagreement now and then because it means they’re talking things out. When couples face and fix their issues, they usually feel a lot closer.

"Many people think that a healthy relationship means no arguments and smooth sailing. But a lack of fighting can actually be the sign of a relationship in decline. It means that one or both parties have stopped trying to solve problems or that they’re too afraid of what their partner will do if they criticize them in any way."

Brad Browning | Relationship Coach | Breakup & Divorce Expert, LoveLearnings

Healthy Couples Don’t Bring Up Past Issues During Arguments

In a healthy relationship, when a couple argues, they stay on the subject. They don’t drag in stuff from months ago; it’s like carrying around heavy suitcases no one needs. Letting go of old fights allows them to focus on fixing the current issue.

Bringing up the past can make arguments worse and solve nothing. It’s about dealing with what’s happening right now, not what happened before.

Every Couple Argues, but the Frequency Varies

Just like every person is unique, so is every couple, and that means how often they argue varies, too. Some might find themselves butting heads once a week, while others might only tangle once a month or less.

It’s okay that there’s no one-size-fits-all frequency for arguments. What’s important is that they are not harmful and lead to solutions. Each couple needs to find their own balance and what works best for their relationship.

Example: One couple might only argue when making big life decisions, while another might have small debates every few days about what to eat for dinner. Both are okay as long as they always work things out and learn from each disagreement.

Arguing Once a Week Is Considered Average

For many couples, having an argument once a week is pretty standard. It’s a sort of middle ground that a lot of us fall into. This doesn’t mean there’s trouble in paradise; it’s just a part of sharing life with someone else.

These regular but not too frequent arguments can help clear the air and keep things fresh. However, it’s still about making sure these weekly tiffs are fair, constructive, and not hurtful.

For instance, they disagree every Saturday when planning the weekend. But by lunchtime, they’ve usually laughed it off and planned something fun.

Some Couples Hardly Ever Argue, and That’s Okay

There are couples out there who rarely disagree, and guess what? That’s perfectly fine. These couples often have a quiet understanding or simply share the same views on most things.

Not arguing much doesn’t mean they’re bottling up feelings; they just have their own peaceful way of doing things. It’s important to remember that less arguing does not always mean avoiding problems; sometimes, it’s just how they roll!


Excerpts From the Experts

“How often couples argue is not always a helpful predictor of the health of a relationship… What is important to be mindful of is not whether couples argue but how they argue. If couples fight but avoid the following four behaviors, they might be okay:

  • Stonewalling: Tuning out your partner, shutting down a conversations or arguments
  • Defensiveness: Not taking responsibility for your role in a disagreement
  • Criticizing: Attacking who your partner is instead of focusing on a single concern
  • Showing contempt: Assuming an air of superiority and lack of respect for your partner

Another important indicator of a relationship’s strength when it comes to arguing is whether couples are matched in arguing styles.

If two very passionate and emotional couples or, alternatively, two conflict-avoidant couples are paired together, they’re more likely to feel satisfied with arguments in their relationship than couples who have different styles.”

Heather Z. Lyons, PhD | Licensed Psychologist | Couples Counselor | Owner of the Baltimore Therapy Group


“… We are not often aware of the underlying feelings of disconnection and instead are likely to notice surface issues like a partner leaving some dirty dishes or forgetting to call.

Typically, one partner will begin to feel disconnected and will protest this disconnection by pursuing closeness. We call this partner the Pursuing partner. This partner will often complain about the disconnection in a way that is critical or with heightened emotion.

The other partner, feeling blamed or feeling like a failure in the relationship, often withdraws to avoid conflict. We call this partner the Withdrawer. Through their withdrawal, the Withdrawing partner creates further fear of disconnection in the Pursuing partner, who becomes even more critical, emotional, and often blaming.

… That means that couples can be very irritable and can get into seemingly unending cycles of conflict until the affectional bond is restored.”

“… It’s important to note that some couples hardly ever fight but aren’t happy. These can be couples who have burnt out or who simply keep too much of a distance from each other.

How we often fight is less of an issue than whether we are able to repair our bond afterward.”

Dan Auerbach | Director and Relationship Counsellor, Associated Relationship & Marriage Counsellors


“There is no ‘average amount of times’ on how often a couple should argue but rather how they argue. You can disagree with a lot of things.

You can disagree with each other every day if you want to. After all, a couple has two people in it who are not the same and have different opinions on how things should go. Arguments will happen.

But the danger is if a couple argues, and it becomes destructive, a way to bash each other or name-call. Or, if when they argue, they say things to intentionally hurt each other or try to make the other person feel bad about themselves for not agreeing with them.”

Sophia Reed, Ph.D., NCC | Marriage and Family Therapist | National Certified Counselor


Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for couples to argue?

Yes, it’s very normal for couples to argue. Every relationship has disagreements. What’s important is how you handle and resolve those arguments.

How can we tell if we’re arguing too much?

If your arguments are frequent and intense and leave you feeling drained, or if you aren’t resolving issues and continue to argue about the same thing, it might be too much.

Healthy arguments should lead to understanding and solutions, not ongoing stress.

Can arguing strengthen a relationship?

Yes, if done with respect and care. Arguing can help couples understand each other better and can reinforce their bond by overcoming difficulties together.

It can also clear up misunderstandings and help set healthy boundaries.

How can we improve the way we argue?

Focus on listening to understand rather than to respond. Use “I” statements like “I feel” rather than “You make me feel” to express your emotions without blaming.

Take breaks if you feel the discussion getting too heated, and always try to come back to resolve the issue when both are calm.

What if arguments frequently seem to go nowhere?

This might indicate that your arguing styles aren’t productive.

Try changing tactics by clearly defining the issue at hand, discussing why it bothers you, listening to your partner’s perspective, and mutually agreeing on steps to prevent similar issues in the future.

Implementing these strategies can turn ineffective arguments into constructive dialogues.


Final Thoughts

No relationship is free from arguments. It’s not about how often you argue but how you handle it together. Healthy arguments show that you care about the relationship.

Next time you disagree, be calm and respectful. If it feels like too much, ask for professional help. Love, trust, and respect are keys to a happy relationship.

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Jessa Claire is a registered healthcare provider. Music lover. Daydreamer. Thalassophile. Foodie. A hardworking Capricorn. Most days, an incurable empath. An old soul. Down-to-earth. Vibrant.

When she's not writing, she can be seen relaxing with headphones on or engrossed in her favorite fan fiction book.