We all know someone who seems to need control over everything and everyone around them. Whether it’s a partner, a family member, or a colleague—their need to manage every detail can be exhausting and frustrating.
Controlling behavior can sneak up on you. It starts small—a comment here, a suggestion there. Before you know it, you might find yourself second-guessing your choices and feeling less confident. That’s why it’s so important to spot these signs early.
So, how do we set boundaries, maintain our independence, and ensure our well-being isn’t compromised? In this article, we’ll explore practical steps you can take to recognize, manage, and even distance yourself from controlling people.
Table of Contents
- Recognize the Signs of Controlling Behavior
- Use Assertive Communication Techniques
- Establish Your Boundaries Early On
- Maintain Your Independence
- Stay Calm and Collected
- Choose Your Battles Wisely
- Don’t Engage in a Debate
- Plan Safe Exit Strategies
- Seek Support from Others
- Practice Self-Care Regularly
- Avoid Blaming Yourself
- Distance Yourself
- Reevaluate the Relationship if Needed
- Consider Professional Help
- Excerpt from the Expert
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Final Thoughts
Recognize the Signs of Controlling Behavior
Dealing with controlling people starts with recognizing the signs of controlling behavior. They might seem overly protective at first, but this can quickly turn into manipulation.
Take note of how they interact with you and others.
- Does this person respect your “no”?
- Do they always need to have the final say?
- Do they use guilt or pressure to get what they want?
- How do they react when you make decisions independently?
Sometimes, controlling behavior can be subtle. Maybe it’s a friend who insists on managing the evening plans each time or a partner who frequently checks your phone. Being aware of these patterns helps you understand the scope of their influence on your life.
Trust your gut—if something feels off, it probably is.
Use Assertive Communication Techniques
Assertiveness means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and directly without being aggressive. It’s about standing up for yourself while respecting the other person.
Practicing assertive communication also means being concise and sticking to the point. This reduces the chances of misunderstandings and keeps the conversation from going off on tangents, which can be common in discussions with controlling people.
Lastly, don’t forget to listen. Yes, even when dealing with controlling behavior, listening can help you understand the full scope of the situation. This way, you ensure that the dialogue remains a two-way street, keeping the communication healthy and productive.
If somebody is controlling your life, calm down their control mannerisms by letting them know “I got this”. The empowering phrase lets you regain control of the situation and assures the other person you know what you are doing.
This also lets the other person know that they can relax and that they don’t have to be on top of you. Work with each other and don’t try to make the other person adapt to you but instead cooperate with each other.
— Leilani Jeanette Salgado | Co-Founder, Way of Vida
Establish Your Boundaries Early On
Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. When you communicate your boundaries clearly, you let others know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t.
Here are some tips to help you set boundaries:
- Be specific: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable. For example, “I need personal space, so I prefer not to be called every hour.”
- Stay consistent: Don’t waver on your boundaries once they’re set. Consistency helps reinforce them and shows that you mean what you say.
- Communicate directly: Use straightforward language when discussing your boundaries. Avoid hinting or being vague, as this can lead to misunderstandings.
Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re not used to being assertive. However, establishing clear boundaries is an important step towards protecting yourself from being controlled.
In friendship, one aspect to remember is that the controlling person will almost always want you for themselves. Do not confuse this with them actually liking you!
Just because they want you around and at their disposal, does not mean that they respect you.
In a romantic relationship, note that many people confuse love with control. Love feels free and comforting, not clingy or smothering.
While sometimes it’s obvious, many times it can look like a sad or unwell partner, an overworked partner or someone who is passively catering to you, who “misses” you or “needs” your help. They may even have the world thinking that you are controlling because you are trying to set boundaries!
Lastly, control at work is a different ball game. The controlling boss often has some narcissistic qualities as well. They tend to be interested in keeping you a few steps behind them and might even take credit for your work or lay the blame on you for their mistakes.
— Michele Paiva | Licensed Psychotherapist | Neuromarketing Strategist | Founder, NeuroRain
Maintain Your Independence
When you have your own interests, hobbies, and friendships outside of any relationship, you’re less likely to feel trapped or controlled. Independence means you are your own person, with your own thoughts, feelings, and choices.
Keeping up with activities that make you happy and fulfilled is a great way to maintain independence. This could be anything from pursuing a hobby you love to spending time with friends who uplift you. It’s important to have aspects of your life that are separate from the person who might be trying to control you.
Financial independence is particularly empowering, too. If possible, manage your own finances and have a clear understanding of where your money goes. This prevents a common control tactic—financial dependence—from taking root.
Stay Calm and Collected
Losing your temper or reacting emotionally can sometimes give them more power, as they might use your reaction to manipulate or blame you.
Staying calm helps you think clearly and make better decisions about how to handle the situation. Plus, it sends a signal that you are not easily swayed by their tactics.
Here’s a quick step-by-step guide to help you stay calm:
- Pause and breathe: Take a deep breath before responding. This simple act can help slow down your racing thoughts and calm your nerves.
- Focus on facts, not emotions: Stick to the facts of the situation rather than getting caught up in how you feel. This makes it harder for the controlling person to twist your words or use your emotions against you.
- Use calming techniques: Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or even a quick walk to clear your mind. These can help you maintain a level head during difficult conversations.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break and return to the conversation later. Remember, staying calm is about protecting your peace and ensuring you remain in control of your response.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Choosing your battles wisely means deciding when it’s worth standing up and when it might be better to let things slide. This doesn’t mean you ignore problematic behaviors, but rather you address them strategically.
Ask yourself: Is the issue at hand affecting your well-being, freedom, or happiness? Will addressing it lead to a meaningful change?
When you do choose to stand your ground, make sure you’re prepared. Gather your thoughts, plan your words, and anticipate possible responses. This preparation helps you stay focused during the discussion and can make the difference between a productive conversation and a heated argument.
Don’t Engage in a Debate
When dealing with controlling people, engaging in a debate often leads nowhere except deeper into conflict. These discussions can quickly spiral into arguments where no one really listens, and nothing gets resolved.
Instead of debating, focus on stating your needs and decisions clearly and calmly. Let them know that while you’re open to discussion, you’re not there to be swayed by aggressive debating tactics.
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If the conversation starts turning into a debate, gently steer it back or choose to end the conversation. There’s no obligation to remain engaged when it’s clear that the interaction isn’t productive.
Plan Safe Exit Strategies
In relationships where control is an issue, having a safe exit strategy is crucial. Knowing how to safely remove yourself from a controlling environment can provide peace of mind and a sense of security.
Here are a few tips for creating an exit strategy:
- Identify safe spaces and people: Know where you can go and who you can turn to if you need to leave a situation quickly. This could be a trusted friend’s house, a family member, or a public place.
- Keep important documents and items accessible: Have a bag ready with essentials like your ID, phone, keys, money, and any other important documents. This can help you leave quickly if needed.
- Communicate your plan: If possible, let a trusted friend or family member know your plan so they can offer support or help if you need it.
Your safety is the most important thing, and having strategies in place can help you maintain peace of mind, knowing you’re prepared to take care of yourself in any situation.
Seek Support from Others
Isolation is a common tactic used by controlling individuals, so reaching out to people you trust can help you gain perspective and strength.
Support networks can offer practical advice, emotional comfort, and sometimes, intervention if necessary. Whether it’s discussing strategies on how to set boundaries or just having someone to vent to, these connections can be a lifeline.
Don’t be afraid to lean on those who care about you. Sometimes, just knowing you have someone to talk to can make a huge difference. Remember, you don’t have to face controlling behavior alone—reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Practice Self-Care Regularly
When you’re around someone who tries to control you, your stress levels can rise, which can take a toll on your health. Taking time for self-care helps you stay grounded, reduces stress, and boosts your resilience, making it easier to handle challenging situations.
Here are some simple self-care practices you can incorporate into your routine:
- Physical self-care: Engage in activities that keep your body healthy, like regular exercise, eating nutritious meals, and getting enough sleep. These habits can help you feel more energized and better equipped to handle stress.
- Emotional self-care: Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading, listening to music, or spending time with loved ones. Journaling can also be a great way to process your feelings and reflect on your experiences.
- Mental self-care: Practice mindfulness or meditation to help manage stress and maintain a clear mind. Taking breaks from technology or stressful environments can also help you recharge and refocus.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup; taking care of yourself is the foundation for dealing with any challenging situation.
Avoid Blaming Yourself
It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame when dealing with a controlling person. You might think, “Maybe I did something to cause this,” or “If only I were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening.”
However, it’s important to remember that someone else’s controlling behavior is not your fault. Blaming yourself can lead to feelings of guilt and helplessness, making it harder to take the necessary steps to protect yourself.
To shift away from self-blame, focus on the facts of the situation rather than your feelings of guilt. For instance, if someone is trying to control you, recognize that their behavior is about their need for power, not about anything you did wrong.
Distance Yourself
Sometimes, the best way to deal with a controlling person is to distance yourself from them. This might mean reducing the amount of time you spend together, not sharing personal information, or, in extreme cases, ending the relationship entirely.
Consider what boundaries you need to establish to maintain a healthy distance. This might include not responding to messages outside of certain hours or choosing to meet in group settings rather than one-on-one.
If the controlling person is someone you need to interact with, like a coworker or family member, setting firm boundaries while maintaining distance can help you manage the relationship more effectively.
Reevaluate the Relationship if Needed
Sometimes, after all the efforts to manage a controlling situation, you might need to take a step back and reevaluate the relationship itself. This can be a tough decision, especially if it’s someone you care about deeply, like a partner, friend, or family member.
However, your well-being should always come first. If the relationship consistently drains, harms, or negatively impacts your mental and emotional health, it may be time to consider whether it’s worth maintaining.
Start by asking yourself some honest questions:
- Does this relationship bring me more stress than joy?
- Am I constantly walking on eggshells around this person?
- Have my efforts to set boundaries been ignored or dismissed?
If you find that your answers indicate a persistent pattern of negative experiences, it might be necessary to reevaluate the value this relationship adds to your life. Letting go of toxic relationships doesn’t mean you don’t care about the person—it means you care about yourself enough to make tough choices.
Consider Professional Help
Considering professional help is a smart step if you find yourself struggling to deal with a controlling person, especially if their behavior is deeply ingrained or has escalated. A therapist, counselor, or psychologist can provide you with tools and strategies to cope more effectively, as well as help you understand why the person behaves the way they do.
When should you seek professional help? Here are a few indicators:
- Emotional distress: If you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed due to the controlling behavior, it might be time to talk to a professional.
- Escalation of control: If the controlling behavior has escalated to more severe tactics like threats, aggression, or other abusive actions.
- Uncertainty on how to proceed: If you feel stuck and unsure about how to handle the situation or if your current strategies aren’t working.
Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that you are taking proactive steps to protect your mental health and well-being.
Excerpt from the Expert
“I had a friend who demanded we take a girls trip with some other women and I was not interested. I was in a relationship at the time that I enjoyed being in and my travels were with him.
I told her that I would love to do the trip with her and her significant other but that’s it. She fought me on it and even tried to attack my personality by hinting at the idea I might be codependent and can’t do without my partner.
Whatever! Her opinion is just that, an opinion. You can’t let others’ opinions affect you especially if you know the truth otherwise.
I stood my ground despite her teasing, taunting and eventual biting remarks that came my way. I was open to losing the friendship over this matter because I didn’t like the idea of being told what to do.
The interesting thing about this is by me speaking up, it allowed other women to speak up and express their interest in bringing their partners too.
This infuriated her even more and so the trip never happened. Ever since then, she never approached me for a girls trip again and there is a definite line in the sand drawn so to speak, that she has never stepped over again.”
— Uma Alexandra Beepat | Owner, Lotus Wellness Center
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do if someone doesn’t respect my boundaries?
If someone repeatedly ignores or disrespects your boundaries, it’s crucial to take action. You may need to limit your interactions with this person or seek support from others to reinforce your boundaries.
In some cases, distancing yourself from the person might be necessary to protect your mental and emotional health.
Is it possible to change a controlling person?
Changing a controlling person’s behavior can be challenging, especially if they are unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge their behavior.
Sometimes, professional help like therapy can facilitate change, but it’s important to remember that you cannot force someone to change. Focus on what you can control—your actions and responses.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with controlling people isn’t just about managing them—it’s also about taking care of yourself. It’s okay to seek help and step back if things get too overwhelming.
If you take one thing away from this discussion, let it be this: Your well-being matters most. If a relationship consistently drains you or makes you unhappy, it’s okay to reassess and make changes.
We all deserve to be in relationships that bring out our best and respect our independence. So, take what you’ve learned and use it to build healthier, happier connections in your life.
