How to Forgive Your Parents (34 Helpful Ways + Expert Insights)

Growing up, I always thought my parents were supposed to be perfect. They were supposed to have all the answers, make no mistakes, and love me unconditionally.

But as I got older, I realized that my parents are human too. They have flaws, they make mistakes, and sometimes they hurt me, even if they don’t mean to.

If you’re reading this, maybe you’ve been hurt by your parents too. Maybe you’re carrying around pain, anger, or resentment that feels too heavy to bear. I want you to know that you’re not alone and there is a way forward.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. It’s not about pretending everything is okay or letting your parents off the hook. It’s about freeing yourself from the weight of the past so you can move forward with peace and clarity. Are you ready to take the first step?

Disclaimer: The content provided in this article is intended for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding your personal circumstances.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

When we start the journey to forgiveness, the first step, and my personal favorite because of its honesty, is to acknowledge how we truly feel. I mean, really dig deep and allow yourself to recognize the mix of emotions inside you – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The thing is, feelings aren’t right or wrong; they just are. You can’t heal what you don’t see, right? As we move through this process, remember that acknowledging your emotions is a brave act of self-care.

Understand They Did Their Best

After you have looked your feelings in the eye, consider this – just like you and me, parents are human (surprise, surprise).

They may have made choices that weren’t the greatest, but often, they did what they thought was best at the time, given their knowledge, experience, and circumstances. It’s not about excusing their actions but rather understanding them from a place of humanity.

Considering these scenarios can help us move towards understanding their actions. As we talked about earlier, it’s to recognize that their best may have been far from perfect, but it was still their best. Keeping that in mind can sometimes take the edge off our hurt.

Consider Their Upbringing and Challenges

Let’s talk about the saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Our parents’ parenting style was likely influenced by how they were raised. It’s worth pondering over their upbringing and the challenges they faced.

For instance, if your mom grew up in a family where money was always tight, she might have been overly cautious or stressed about finances, affecting how she raised you.

Understanding their upbringing and challenges can change how we see things. It doesn’t erase the past but gives us a new lens to look through. Having that moment with our parents – recognizing the battles they’ve fought, the fears they’ve faced – can soften our hearts.

It’s not about making excuses but about finding compassion in the complexity of human life. This compassion is a key ingredient in the forgiveness recipe.

"When we see our parents as human beings (instead of putting them on the parent pedestal), moving through the world with life circumstances, intergenerational trauma, and other stressors, we can allow ourselves to be compassionate towards them."
 
— Rayna Sanghvi, PhD | Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Recognize the Harm of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is like carrying around a backpack filled with bricks — it’s heavy, and it only gets heavier with time. It can lead to a life mired in bitterness and missed opportunities for joy. By not forgiving, we tie ourselves to the past and allow it to dictate our present and future.

Letting go doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It means you’re choosing not to let it hold you back anymore.

Work Through Your Emotional Pain

Working through emotional pain is a process – and it’s not a straight line. It’s got its ups and downs, and that’s totally normal. Think of it this way: it’s not about forcing yourself to forget, but allowing yourself to heal.

This step is about getting to know yourself, understanding your pain, and beginning to heal from the inside out.

Practice Empathy and Compassion

Now, this is the tough part. Empathy and compassion towards your parents might feel like the last thing you want to do. But here’s the thing: empathy isn’t about giving a free pass. It’s about trying to see things from their shoes.

And compassion? It’s about treating them with kindness, even when it’s hard. Why bother? Because hate and anger take a lot out of you. They drain your energy and your happiness.

Empathy and compassion, on the other hand, can bring peace. It’s like healing a wound. It doesn’t happen overnight, but every bit of kindness and understanding is like medicine that helps it heal faster.

• Little steps count: Start small. Maybe that means just thinking about what their life was like, what struggles they might have had.
• Kindness first: Be kind to yourself as well. This journey is tough. If today’s not the day, that’s okay. There’s always tomorrow.

The journey of forgiveness, especially towards your parents, is deeply personal and can be tricky. It’s filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. The key is to keep moving forward, at your own pace, in your own way.

Recognize They Likely Learned from Their Parents

Our grandparents cast a long shadow, don’t they? Often, our parents’ parenting style was handed down to them from the generation before. It’s a kind of inheritance – sometimes rich with wisdom, other times with patterns that maybe should have been left behind.

So, some things they did or said to us? They’re echoes from the past, things they picked up from their childhood. This doesn’t make it right, but it does give us a bit of context.

Understanding this can be a game-changer. It’s not excusing their actions but rather seeing the bigger picture. This insight can be a key to unlocking forgiveness. You start to see patterns, not just random acts of hurt.

"Your parents probably didn't want to act that way toward you, but that's what they learned. Just as you are a product of your parents, your parents are a product of their parents. They learned how to act according to how their parents acted with them, and even as adults, they did not understand that the forms of upbringing they have are not the healthiest."

— Aura Priscel De Los Santos | BA in Clinical Psychology | MA in Higher Education | Clinical Psychologist, WonderBaby

Consider the Hardships They Faced

Life throws curveballs at everyone, and our parents are no exception. Maybe they struggled with their own issues or faced challenges we never knew about. Jobs can be lost, money can be tight, and health can fail.

These struggles can shape a person, sometimes in ways that aren’t the best for raising kids. Recognizing the hardships they faced doesn’t erase your pain but adds a layer of understanding to it. It’s about seeing them as people, flawed and dealing with their own battles, just like the rest of us.

• Think about it: Just knowing what they went through can change your perspective a bit. It’s not making excuses but understanding reality.
• Talk about it: If you can, talk to them about their past. You might uncover stories you never knew.

"The reality is that your hours of interaction with your parents were limited. You may even feel that they didn't prioritize spending time with you. As an adult, you realize they had demanding jobs and were trying to support the family. It could be that they did not have control over when they could leave work."

— Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC | Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor | Co-founder, The Marriage Restoration Project

Find the Lessons and Growth Opportunities

If we are open to it, every experience we have, whether it’s a pleasant one or not, can teach us something important. This includes the experiences we have with our parents. Even if our relationship with them is difficult, we can still learn a lot about ourselves and about life.

For example, tough times can show us how to be resilient. When we go through a variety of strong feelings, we often become stronger. We also get the chance to find our own voice and figure out how to confidently ask for what we need and set limits.

Dealing with emotional pain can change us in big ways. The hard times we’ve been through with our parents can make us grow a lot.

When we think back on these things, we can find valuable lessons that help us develop in ways we never thought were possible. This way of thinking doesn’t ignore the pain we’ve felt, but rather it recognizes that even when we’re hurting, there can be healing and even gifts of wisdom and strength.

Accept Their Imperfections

Nobody’s perfect, right? We hear this often, but when it comes to our parents, sometimes we hold them to a higher standard.

Accepting their imperfections is a bit like realizing your superheroes have weaknesses. It’s a big step towards forgiveness. They’ve made mistakes, sure, but haven’t we all? By seeing them as humans with their own struggles and flaws, we start to foster a sense of forgiveness. This doesn’t mean you forget the hurt or pretend it didn’t happen.

Instead, you acknowledge they’re not flawless, and neither are you. This mutual understanding of imperfection can lead to deeper connections and healing.

Separate the Person from Their Actions

It’s easy to mix up what someone does with who they are. But here’s a thought: can we dislike what they did but still care for them? Absolutely. When we separate our parents’ actions from who they are, we allow space for forgiveness.

This doesn’t mean you condone what was done. Instead, you recognize that their actions aren’t the whole story. Everyone has the capacity to change and grow, including them. Giving them and yourself this space can be incredibly freeing.

Remember the good: Sure, there were tough times, but there were also good moments. Balancing the bad with the good helps in separating the person from their actions.

Overcome Anger Through Understanding

Let’s talk about anger. It’s a natural feeling, especially when we’re hurt. But holding onto it? It’s like clutching a hot coal, hoping the other person feels the heat. The only person who gets burned is you.

Overcoming this anger often starts with understanding. Why did they do what they did? What was going on with them? This doesn’t excuse their actions but understanding the context can lessen the grip of anger.

Taking steps towards understanding brings you closer to peace. Plus, it’s healthier for you. Dropping that hot coal of anger means you can move on, lighter and with less burden.

Reflect on the why: Sometimes, understanding their motivations or what they were going through can take the edge off the anger.

Focus on healing: Remember, this journey is about you finding peace and healing, not just about them.

Focus on Their Positive Qualities

It’s easy to get bogged down by the negatives, but what if we switched gears and focused on the positives? Every person has positive qualities, and our parents are no exception.

• Perhaps it’s your father’s work ethic or your mother’s sense of humor.
• It could be their ability to make the most delicious meals from the simplest ingredients.
• Maybe it’s the way one of them could always make you laugh, even on a bad day.

Consciously focusing on these attributes isn’t about ignoring the problems. It’s about creating a more balanced view of who they are. Accepting their imperfections doesn’t mean we forget their strengths. By paying attention to their positives, you give yourself a chance to see them in a more rounded, fair way.

Hold on to Positive Memories

Remember that one holiday when everything just clicked, and your family had a blast? Or those quiet afternoons doing something simple together? Those memories are like treasures.

Holding onto positive memories doesn’t mean you forget the tough times. It’s about choosing not to let those tough times overshadow everything else. It’s natural to focus on the hurt because it’s heavy, and it sticks.

But those light, happy times? They’re important. They show that darkness isn’t the whole story. Cherishing those happier times can be a beacon of hope and a step towards healing.

List them out: Sometimes, jotting down those happy memories can really help. It’s a way of reminding yourself that good times existed too.

Learn and Appreciate Their Life Stories

Getting to know your parents’ life stories can change a lot. You see, everyone has a journey – a mix of highs and lows, triumphs and struggles. Learning about your parents’ journeys, their dreams, their setbacks, can really open your eyes.

Maybe your mom gave up something she loved to provide for the family, or your dad struggled with his own issues but tried to hide them to keep things stable at home.

When you start to unpack these stories, understanding and compassion tend to follow. It’s not just about seeing them as your parents anymore. It’s about seeing them as people who’ve lived, tried, and sometimes failed. This perspective can really bridge gaps and soften hearts.

Acknowledge and Accept Their Limitations

Just like everyone else, our parents aren’t superheroes. They have their limits. Maybe it’s patience, understanding, or just knowing the right thing to say. When you start to see these not as failures but as limitations, something shifts. It’s a bit like realizing that no one, not even our parents, can be perfect at everything.

This doesn’t make the hurtful moments okay, but it helps to understand that some things weren’t about you; they were about their own struggles. By acknowledging this, you’re not lowering your expectations but aligning them with reality, which is a step towards healing.

Own Your Role in the Dynamics

This part is tough but important. In any relationship, it’s always a two-way street. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re to blame for any hurtful things that happened. Not at all.

But sometimes, our reactions or the way we deal with things can add another layer to the situation. Taking a step back and looking at your part in the family dynamics doesn’t mean you’re taking all the responsibility. It’s about understanding that relationships are complicated.

By acknowledging your part, you’re opening up a space for honest reflection and, hopefully, a dialogue that can lead to healing and understanding.

Think about how you respond: Sometimes, changing our approach can change a lot. It’s about breaking old patterns.

Reflect on Happy Childhood Moments

Despite the ups and downs, there are usually some bits of sunshine in our childhoods. Remember those moments? Maybe it was a day out at the park, a bedtime story, or just feeling safe and content in a quiet moment.

These memories, these bits of happiness, they’re precious. They remind us that not everything was bad. Holding onto these moments doesn’t deny the hurt but adds a layer of balance to our memories. List your happy moments. Writing them down can be powerful. It’s a way to remind yourself that there was good among the bad.

Find Inner Peace Through Prayer or Meditation

Finding peace often requires going inward, and both prayer and meditation are powerful tools to help us find calm in the storm. It’s about connecting with something greater – whether that’s a higher power or the deep well of silence within.

• Prayer can be a conversation where you lay out your struggles and seek comfort or guidance.
• Meditation might be the practice of sitting with your feelings without judgment, finding peace in the stillness.

Both can offer a sanctuary for forgiveness to grow.

Write a Letter to Your Parents

Writing a letter to your parents can be an incredibly healing exercise. You’re not even required to send it. It’s about getting your feelings out. In this letter, you can say everything you’ve wanted to—no holding back. It’s a safe space for your thoughts and feelings.

You can express your pain, your love, your disappointments, and even the steps you’re taking towards forgiveness. This letter is for you. Through this, you’re allowing yourself to acknowledge and work through your feelings.

And who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll feel ready to have a conversation with them, or maybe you’ll find that writing the letter was enough for you to start moving forward.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw to protect our well-being and foster healthy relationships. Setting healthy boundaries with your parents shows respect for yourself and for them. It’s about knowing where you end, and they begin.

Communicating these boundaries clearly can help create a healthier relationship. It shows that while you’re working on forgiveness, you also respect yourself enough to protect your peace. Remember, it’s okay to say, “I’m not comfortable talking about this right now.“

"Depending on your history with your parents, this could mean: Re-engaging with your parents. Maintaining distance to protect yourself emotionally."

— Rayna Sanghvi, PhD | Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Decide What Relationship You Want

What kind of relationship do you envision with them? It doesn’t have to be perfect. Maybe you’re aiming for a relationship where you can share a meal without tension, or perhaps you want something deeper.

Having a clear picture in your mind can guide you on how to navigate your interactions with them. It’s like having a map before you start a journey. You might not follow it exactly, but it gives you a sense of direction.

This clarity can be a beacon as you work through the process of forgiveness.

Have an Honest Conversation

An honest conversation can be one of the most direct routes to healing. It’s about sitting down and sharing your feelings, your hopes, and your desires for your relationship moving forward.

Maybe start with, “I’ve been thinking a lot about us and how we can improve our relationship.” Remember, this talk might not solve everything, but it’s a step. And sometimes, that one step is the hardest to take.

"By all means, communicate with a parent if they are living to see if the possibility of understanding what happened exists. Be prepared that it may not. All encounters of this type do not have a Hallmark ending."

— Peter E. Gradilone, MAT, LMSW | Licensed Psychotherapist, Clarity Therapy NYC

Allow Space Before Reconciling

Sometimes, after a heart-to-heart, you might feel like everything should be okay now. But here’s the thing: it’s totally fine if it’s not. If you or your parents need a bit of space to process everything, that’s okay.

Think of it like letting a garden breathe. You’ve planted the seeds (that’s your honest conversation), but now you need to give it some time and space to grow. This space is not about creating distance; it’s about giving everyone a chance to reflect, understand, and come back with a clearer mind.

So, don’t rush it. Healing and rebuilding take time.

View Forgiveness as a Process

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s more like a journey with ups and downs. Some days, you’ll feel like you’ve made great strides. Other days, not so much. And that’s alright.

Viewing forgiveness as a process helps you to be kinder to yourself. It removes the pressure to get it all sorted out right away. Each step, no matter how small, is part of the journey.

Sometimes, just reminding yourself, “I’m working on it“, can be a huge relief. So, take it one day at a time, and recognize that every effort you make is part of the process of forgiving.

Understand That Forgiveness Takes Time

If there’s one thing I want you to take away, it’s this: forgiveness takes time. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You’ve got a whole lifetime of emotions and memories tied up in this relationship.

You can’t hurry the process of dealing with strong feelings, and saying “I forgive you” is a big part of that. It might take a while to move forward, even just a little bit at a time, but that still counts as moving forward. As time goes by, you often start to see things differently, and that can make it easier to forgive.

Be Patient with Yourself

Patience is a form of self-love, especially when you’re working through something as tough as forgiveness. It’s all too easy to get frustrated if you don’t feel you’re moving forward quickly enough.

• Remember that healing isn’t linear; some days will be better than others.
• Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a good friend.
• Celebrate the small steps and recognize that even contemplating forgiveness is progress.

Healing is not a race. It’s more about taking the time you need to understand, accept, and let go in a way that feels right for you. So, give yourself the grace to move through this at your own pace.

Forgive Without Needing an Apology

One big hurdle in the journey of forgiveness is waiting for an apology that might never come. It’s tough, but forgiveness can still happen even without those words you might be longing to hear.

Think of forgiveness more as a gift you give yourself. It’s about setting down the heavy load of resentment so you can move forward lighter and with peace. This doesn’t mean what happened was okay, but it means you’re choosing not to let it hold power over you anymore.

This step requires a lot of strength and self-love, but it’s incredibly freeing once you’re able to embrace it.

Focus on the Present

The past can’t be changed, but the present and future are in your hands. Focusing on the now can be a powerful step toward forgiveness. It’s about creating new, positive experiences that can help redefine your relationship with your parents.

It doesn’t mean forgetting the past but choosing not to let it dictate your current happiness and wellbeing. Enjoy the moments you have now, whether it’s alone, with friends, or with family. Embracing it fully can usher in peace and a sense of freedom from the burdens of the past.

The present is where we live, love, and grow.

Create New Positive Memories Together

Building new, happy memories with your parents can make a big dent in the wall of past hurts. It’s like adding fresh paint over an old, chipped surface. You don’t forget what was there, but you start to see the beauty of the new.

Try doing something together you all enjoy, or start a new tradition. It could be as simple as a weekly phone call, a movie night, or cooking a meal together. These moments give both of you the chance to create a new narrative, one where joy and connection are at the forefront.

It’s these positive experiences that can slowly fill the gaps and bring light to previously shadowed relationships.

Prioritize Your Own Healing

At the end of the day, the journey to forgiveness is really about you and your peace. It’s crucial to prioritize your own healing above all else. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or finding solace in activities that make you feel whole and joyful.

Remember, it’s okay to take breaks and give yourself space when needed. Your well-being is the foundation upon which forgiveness and improved relationships are built. Like nurturing a garden, your healing journey requires attention, care, and, sometimes, a little space to breathe.

The healthier you are, emotionally and mentally, the more you can bring to your relationships with your parents and others.

Consider Family Counseling

Sometimes, talking things out on your own just doesn’t cut it, and that’s completely fine. This is where family counseling can really be a game changer. It’s like having a guide when you’re not sure of the way forward.

A counselor can help each person get their feelings out in a safe and constructive environment. It’s not about pointing fingers but understanding each other better and learning how to communicate more effectively.

This step can be big, but it’s also brave—it shows a commitment to working on the relationship and moving past old hurts.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People

The company we keep can make all the difference on our journey to forgiveness. Surrounding yourself with supportive people means having cheerleaders and confidants who can offer encouragement and understanding.

• Look for friends who listen well and give thoughtful advice.
• Lean on family members who respect your process and offer love without judgment.
• Engage with communities, whether in person or online, that share your values and goals.

So, don’t hesitate to lean on your support network. Their belief in you can be the strength you need on the days when forgiving feels too hard. Remember, it’s okay to lean on others—that’s what they’re there for.

Embrace the Freedom of Forgiveness

Forgiveness can feel like opening a window in a room that’s been shut tight for too long—the rush of fresh air is invigorating. It’s freeing, not just for the person being forgiven but for you, too. Holding onto anger and resentment ties you down and keeps you stuck in the past.

Letting go allows you to move forward. It’s not about forgetting what happened but about allowing yourself to live fully in the present and look forward to the future.

Embracing forgiveness is embracing freedom—the freedom to be happy, to love, and to live without the weight of old grudges dragging you down.

"Forgiveness is not making the person who has hurt you feel good — it is freeing yourself from what they have done to you and understanding that the situation that has caused you so much pain no longer has control over you, and it is time to move on."

— Aura Priscel De Los Santos

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Frequently Asked Questions

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Final Thoughts

Remember, forgiveness is for you, not for your parents. As you work on forgiving your parents, remember to take care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy, spend time with people who make you feel loved and supported, and be kind to yourself.

You are worthy of forgiveness, and you are capable of giving it to yourself and others. It’s about letting go of the weight you’ve been carrying so that you can live your life fully and freely.