How to Get Over an Abusive Relationship (28 Ways + Expert Insights)

Realizing you’re in an abusive relationship is a tough awakening. Making the decision to leave? That’s another story, and it’s often packed with mixed feelings and ‘what-ifs.’ 

It’s easy to get caught up in memories of the good times and hang onto the slim hope that the person you care about might change. You might even catch yourself making excuses for their behavior or, harder still, believing that you’re the one to blame.

But hope and love cannot repair abusive behavior, and more often than not, the cycle of abuse continues. Taking the brave step to move away from the relationship is more about giving yourself a chance at a better, healthier life.

Are you ready to look beyond the shadows of hope that keep you tied to the past and step into a life where your safety and happiness are prioritized? I bet you do.

Recognizing the Abuse in Your Relationship

Sometimes, the toughest moments are the ones that push you to see the true nature of your relationship — that what you’re dealing with is abuse. It can sneak up on us because it doesn’t always look the same. It’s not just about shouting matches or physical fights; it can worm its way into your life in quieter, more harmful ways.

• Physical Abuse: This might be the first thing that comes to mind. This includes any form of physical harm, however minor it may seem. Examples can be hitting, pushing, or even forceful grabbing.
• Emotional Abuse: Often harder to identify, this involves any behavior that manipulates, degrades, or invalidates your emotional well-being. For example, constant criticism, humiliation, or being ignored.
• Financial Abuse: This type of abuse happens when one partner exerts control over the other’s financial resources, limiting their ability to use, acquire, or maintain financial assets. 
• Sexual Abuse: This doesn’t have to be violent but involves any non-consensual sexual behavior.

It stings to admit it, but recognizing that you’re in an unhealthy situation is the starting line of getting to a better place. It might bring mixed feelings of relief and sadness—both are totally normal. You’re not being dramatic, and you definitely aren’t alone in this. 

Trust that feeling in your gut when things don’t feel right. It takes guts to listen to that inner voice and even more to act on it. That’s step one—recognizing things that need to change.

"An abusive person focuses on winning at all costs and on getting you to submit to their agenda. To do so convincingly, they may apologize, show remorse and say they will try to improve their behavior.

The difference between abusive and healthy is that when hurtful things happen in loving relationships, both partners make changes that allow the partnership to remain safe and satisfying for the other.

One of the best books for helping you understand the strategies used by abusive men (and how those strategies may keep you stuck in an abusive situation) is Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

This book has been a lifesaver for countless women who have struggled to let go of the emotional pull to stay with an abusive partner."

— Tamara Ridge, LMFT | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Founder, The Center for Healthy Relationships

Accept That “The Good” Cannot Outweigh “The Bad”

It’s common in abusive relationships to hold onto the good moments and use them as a buffer against the bad. However, acknowledge that these moments, no matter how sweet, do not cancel out the trauma and pain of the abuse.

Remind yourself that a few happy snapshots don’t make up for the times you felt scared, controlled, or hurt. The good memories shouldn’t be used as a reason to doubt your decision to leave.

The bad was bad enough, and you deserved better—end of story.

Face Your Fear

Fear can come in many shapes and sizes, especially in an abusive relationship. You might be scared of what’s to come, worried that you’re destined to be alone, or struggling with the thought that you’re somehow to blame for what happened. There could be a nagging worry that you won’t find better or that you don’t deserve better.

Take each fear and confront it head-on. When you peel back the layers, often you’ll find that fear is uncertainty in disguise. The fear of the unknown is natural, but the unknown is also where new opportunities and happiness live.

And being alone? Sometimes, it’s in solitude that we find our strongest selves. As for blame, know that abuse is never the victim’s fault, not ever.

"Many people stay in abusive relationships fearing that they can’t find or don’t deserve anything better. This is a common belief that fades away when you commit to doing the work of healing your traumas—both past and present.

Often, childhood traumas lead to lies that feel true, and those lies include the belief that you aren’t worthy of relationships that nurture you instead of hurting you.

Challenge yourself to believe that you deserve someone who will never hurt you. Hold on to that belief even if you need therapy or a support group to help you get to the point of belief that allows you to forget about your abusive partner."

— Tamara Ridge, LMFT | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Founder, The Center for Healthy Relationships

Create a Safe Exit Plan

Creating a safety plan is kind of like putting together an emergency kit. It’s something you hope you never need, but boy, does it give you peace of mind if things go south.

First, think about who you can call at 3 AM, no questions asked. Maybe it’s a trusted friend, a family member, or a hotline. These are your ‘In Case of Emergency’ contacts. Lock their numbers in your phone and maybe even memorize them, just in case.

Lastly, plan your exit. Think about how you would leave your home safely and quickly. What doors or windows would you use? Where would you go at 2 a.m. if you had to leave? It could be a friend’s place, a family member’s house, or a shelter. Having the address and phone number written down is a good idea, too.

And hey, this plan isn’t set in stone. Review and adjust it as your situation changes. The most important thing is that you feel secure knowing it’s there. It’s all about making sure you have the power to decide what comes next for you.

Consider Safety Measures if Necessary

Once you’ve made the move away from an abusive relationship, your safety must still stay on your radar. 

• Change your routine: Mix up your daily activities. Use different routes for commuting, shop at new places, or even adjust your routine slightly. It’s harder for your ex to find you if your schedule is unpredictable.
• Stay private online: Change all your passwords, especially for social media and email accounts. Consider enhancing your privacy settings or taking a break from social platforms to lower your online visibility.
• Secure your new home: Double-check your locks and perhaps install a better security system. Simple steps like adding a peephole, security camera, or improved lighting can make a big difference in feeling secure.
• Local authorities: Don’t hesitate to inform the police if you feel threatened. They can offer advice and assistance, and they’ll take a report in case you later decide to pursue legal action.

You can never be too careful, and it’s always better to cover all your bases when it comes to your safety.

Consider Legal Measures if Necessary

If you’re worried that your ex-partner will not respect your new boundaries, legal measures might be a good option.

Start by documenting everything. Keep logs of messages, calls, or other contacts from the abuser. They could be useful if you ever need to make a legal case.

Getting a restraining order might sound extreme, but it could be necessary to keep your abuser away. This sends a strong message that you’re taking back your power and drawing a serious line that they can’t cross.

Talk to a legal expert. Learn about your rights and the best steps to protect yourself. Laws can be tricky, and having someone who knows their stuff can make all the difference.

File for Custody of Your Children

When kids are part of the picture, their safety and happiness are your number one priority. Filing for custody can be a complex process, but remember, it’s all about creating the best environment for your mini-yous. Make sure to keep their routine as normal as possible during this transition—kids love predictability.

The courts love details like these. It shows who’s really in their corner day to day. And don’t forget to log any instances where your ex’s behavior could be called into question concerning the kids.

During custody battles, staying calm and collected is key. Your ex might try to push your buttons to prove you’re unfit. Keep your cool, and let your lawyer do the heavy lifting.

And remember, it’s all about what’s best for the kids. They need to feel loved and protected, away from conflict and fear. Moving forward with filing for custody can be a concrete step towards that safe future they deserve.

File for Divorce

Deciding to file for divorce is no small decision, especially if your relationship was abusive. It marks the legal end of your marriage and is a concrete step toward a new beginning.

Hire a reputable lawyer who can guide you through the process. They’ll help you understand your rights and what to expect, turning a mountain of legal jargon into manageable steps.

Gather all the necessary paperwork, like financial documents and marriage certificates. It sounds kind of dry, I know, but having everything in order will smooth out the bumps in this rocky road. Plus, being organized helps you feel in control during a time that can feel quite the opposite.

Take things one day at a time and lean on the people who have your back. It’s okay to take the time you need to process things and to accept help along the way. You’re moving towards a future that’s all your own, and that’s something to be proud of.

Cut All Possible Contact

If you don’t have to stay in touch for legal or parenting reasons, cutting ties is usually the best option. You might want to start by blocking their number and social media profile. Keep it out of sight and, hopefully, out of mind.

Sometimes, though, it’s not possible to cut off all contact, especially if there are kids involved. In these cases, keep communication short and only about the necessary stuff. There are even apps designed to help co-parent without having to get into anything personal. Remember, your ex doesn’t need a backstage pass to your life anymore.

And if you feel tempted to, just don’t. Stay strong. The more space you put between yourself and the past, the more space you open up for new things in your life. This step isn’t easy, but it’s worth it for your well-being.

Related: Why Is the No Contact Rule so Effective?

"If you're reading this, you already know that rebuilding life on your own can be an emotional rollercoaster. There are good days full of hope, confidence, and optimism. There are bad days full of overwhelm, isolation, and what-ifs.

You don't want your ex to be able to get into your head at a moment when you're feeling lonely, vulnerable, and at risk of taking them back.

Abusive ex-partners often don't want to let you go simply because they don't want to relinquish control over you. In the mind of an abusive partner, you belong to them. The way they see it, they own you just like any other possession you might find in their house. 

At some point, they're going to want to try to collect what they think is theirs.

The classic way an abuser will try to get you back is to try to convince you they've changed. They may tell you that they've seen the error of their ways and promise that things will be different.

The other strategy an abuser often uses is to try to convince you that you need them, that you can't manage without life. Often they plant the seeds for this self-doubt during your relationship, telling you that you're just too anxious, fragile, damaged, and incapable of functioning without them or to be wanted by someone new. 

None of these things are true. It's just manipulation and attempts to control you. The best way to deal with these attempts is to avoid them and prevent them with good boundaries."

— April Boyd | Social Worker and Psychotherapist | Podcast Host, Bold as Love

Avoid Social Media Stalking

We’ve all been there—just a quick peek at their profile to see what they’re up to. But here’s the deal: It does no good to see what they’re eating for lunch or whether they’re hanging out with new people.

Instead, consider a social media cleanse. Taking a break from these platforms can help clear your mind and stop the temptation to check in on them. Plus, it’s a good time to reconnect with the real world. Nature, books, face-to-face chats—there’s a lot out there that’s not filtered through likes or posts.

If you do stay online, tweak your settings to avoid seeing their updates—unfollow, block, whatever it takes. Fill your feed with positive vibes—pages that inspire you, friends who make you laugh, or groups that align with your hobbies. Turn that screen time into me-time.

Your curiosity will calm down after a while, and you’ll find yourself more interested in your own life—which, by the way, is getting more fabulous by the minute because you’re in charge.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

Leaving an abusive relationship is a bit like losing a piece of yourself. It’s okay to feel that loss deeply. Sometimes, you’ve got to let the tears flow to wash away the hurt.

Give yourself the space to grieve the relationship, even if it was harmful. It’s okay to feel sad, to miss the good times, or even to feel a bit lost. This is a normal part of the healing process.

It might feel like you should just be happy to be out of the situation, but emotions aren’t that straightforward. You’ve lost a part of your life, and it’s natural to mourn that loss. In these moments, be gentle with yourself. Take it one day at a time, and don’t rush your healing.

And you know what? Finding new ways to express these emotions can be super helpful. Maybe jot down your thoughts in a journal or talk them out with a friend or a counselor. Getting those feelings out there means they’re not bottled up inside.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

After leaving an abusive relationship, you’ll likely feel a storm of emotions: relief, anger, sadness, confusion, and sometimes joy. All these feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel:

• Relieved that it’s over.
• Angry about what happened.
• Sad about the loss of what could have been.
• Confused about your next steps.

Sometimes, just naming your feelings can take away some of their power. Say it out loud or write it down. “Today, I feel sad” or “Today, I am struggling” helps you acknowledge and manage these emotions.

Allow yourself the time to process these emotions. There’s no set timeline for healing, and no one can tell you to just “get over it.” Embrace your feelings as part of your healing process.

Validate Your Experience

Sometimes, people might try to downplay what you went through. Even though someone else might say, “It wasn’t that bad,”—if it hurt you, it was bad enough. You’re not making a mountain out of a molehill by acknowledging this. You’re simply facing the facts.

What you went through was tough, and you don’t need to prove the worthiness of pain to anyone. Sometimes, just saying out loud, “Yes, this happened to me, and yes, it was bad,” is a powerful step in your recovery journey.

It’s a way of owning your past, not letting it own you.

Keep in Mind that You Are Not to Blame

In the aftermath of an abusive relationship, there’s often a sneaky little voice that tries to put the blame on you. “Maybe if I had…” or “I should have seen the signs.”

Let’s set this straight—you are not to blame for the abuse. Not a bit, not at all. Nobody asks for or deserves to be treated that way, period.

Abuse is always the choice of the abuser, not the fault of the person abused. It’s crucial to remind yourself of this, especially during low moments when self-doubt tries to creep in.

You might find yourself thinking about different choices you could have made. That’s normal, but remember, you were doing the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.

Forgive Yourself

It’s time to ease up on yourself. Look, it’s natural to replay the “what ifs” after leaving an abusive situation, thinking about all the could-haves and should-haves. But right now, what you need most is to treat yourself with kindness.

Being gentle with yourself means recognizing you did the best you could with the information and strength you had at the time. Abusive relationships are complex, and getting out of one isn’t easy.

You faced immense challenges, and you’re still standing—that’s not a small feat. Offer yourself some grace. You’re learning and growing every day, and that’s something to be proud of.

"Realize that in order to move on, you must forgive that past version of you that you thought didn't know better or that you thought to let the abuse go on for so long. Visiting the past as a way to make yourself feel worse than you are now is complete self-sabotage.

Tell yourself each day, "I forgive me, and it's okay. I can move on from this."

You are allowed to forgive yourself as many times as it takes to find yourself again."

— Ndambi Mushonga | Wellness Blogger, Content Creator, and Mindfulness Expert, The Good Feeling Place

Reflect on What You’ve Learned

Walking away from an abusive relationship is a major life lesson, though not the one anyone signs up for. Yet, within the mess, there are valuable insights that you can carry forward.

You’ve picked up a lot of lessons along the way. Lessons about who you are, about the kind of treatment you deserve, and about how to stand up for yourself. Maybe you’ve also learned who you can really count on when times get tough. Keep these lessons in mind.

Going forward, you can use what you’ve learned to make better choices for yourself. Realizing what you now know can help guide you towards happier, healthier relationships in the future.

Talk About Your Feelings

When you’re coming from an abusive relationship, you’ve probably kept a lot inside. Now’s the time to start talking. Whether it’s anger or relief, sharing what’s on your mind helps you process and move on.

Find someone you trust—a friend, a family member, or even a pet—and just start talking. Sometimes, the act of voicing your feelings helps reduce their intensity.

It can be tempting to keep everything locked up inside, but that only leads to more stress. Speaking up can initially feel scary or embarrassing, but it’s like releasing a pressure valve. You might surprise yourself with how much lighter you feel after sharing.

And if you’re thinking, “What if I start and can’t stop?” Well, that’s totally fine too. It means you had a lot to say! Letting those emotions flow is healthy, and doing so consistently can speed up your healing process.

Rebuild Your Social Support System

After an abusive relationship, rebuilding your support network is important. These are people who uplift you and remind you of your worth when you forget. Start by reaching out to old friends or family members you trust. It’s okay if you feel like you drifted apart; genuine connections can be rekindled.

This can be family, old friends, or new acquaintances who really get what you’ve gone through. Joining support groups, whether online or in-person, can link you with people who won’t need to ask why you didn’t “just leave” because they understand the complexity of it all.

As they say, shared pain is half the pain, and shared joy is double the joy.

"Many abusers intentionally create tension, distance, and damage in your social circle. By separating you from the people who care about you, an abuser is able to maintain greater control over you by reducing the risk that someone will call out the abuse, challenge the relationship or help you start a new life without them.

Maybe they gave you such a hard time every time you went out with your friends that you just stopped going and eventually fell out of touch.

Maybe they caused fights between you and your family. Maybe you avoided the people you cared about because you didn't want them to see what you were really going through.

While it can feel a bit uncomfortable when you start re-engaging with your circle after you've been distant... Don't be afraid to reach out and be honest with them. You need to start surrounding yourself with people you can trust and who want what's best for you. "

— April Boyd | Social Worker and Psychotherapist | Podcast Host, Bold as Love

Consider Professional Help

Sometimes, the road to healing needs more than just friendly support—it might need some professional guidance. Seeing a therapist or counselor can provide you with tailored tools to navigate your emotions and put together a plan for recovery that suits just you.

If you’re unsure about where to start, try looking up therapists who specialize in dealing with trauma or those who have experience with survivors of abuse. And if the first one you try isn’t a great fit, don’t get discouraged. Finding the right therapist can be like dating—it might take a few tries to find the right match.

Insurance, healthcare providers, or local support organizations often offer therapy options. If you’re worried about cost, look for sliding-scale fees or free community services. Taking this step is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Start Afresh

It’s about time to give yourself the chance to redefine who you are and what you want your life to look like.

Start by setting goals for yourself, no matter how small. Maybe it’s learning how to cook a new dish or planning to read a book every month. These goals help create a path to the new and improved life you deserve.

The little changes count, too. Rearrange your furniture, add some plants, or change your morning routine. It’s all about carving out a new normal that feels good and is all you. And remember, it’s fine to start small and let those changes gain momentum over time.

Create a Safe for Yourself

After leaving an abusive relationship, creating a space where you feel secure and at peace is super important! Think of it as your personal haven, a place that shelters you from storms.

Part of feeling safe is knowing you have control over who enters your space. Be selective with guests, and don’t feel pressured to host anyone you’re not fully comfortable with.

Your home, your rules. Your environment should be a reflection of the new life you’re carving out for yourself.

And lastly, remember that creating a safe space isn’t just physical—it’s emotional, too. Surround yourself with positivity, keep things in your home that only contribute to good vibes, and make it a no-negativity zone as best you can.

Practice Self-Care

Self-care means taking care of your body, mind, and spirit. It involves doing things that promote well-being and reduce stress.

Start with the basics: ensure you’re eating nutritious foods, getting enough sleep, and doing some physical activity. It sounds simple, but these basic steps are the foundation of good health.

Keep in mind that self-care isn’t a one-size-fits-all outfit; what works for others might not work for you, and that’s okay. It’s about listening to your needs and meeting them without guilt.

Invest Time in Yourself

A simple routine, like morning coffee in silence or an evening stroll, can help you clear your mind and focus on your inner needs. It’s about listening to yourself and giving your well-being the priority it deserves.

Nurture your interests, education, or personal goals that perhaps got overshadowed in the past. Maybe take up that online course you’ve been eyeing or start planning a small solo trip. Every step you take for yourself builds confidence and reaffirms your worth.

Moreover, this is a perfect time to explore new aspects of your personality. Often, abusive relationships suppress parts of ourselves. Rediscovering these can be both enlightening and fun. Dance like nobody’s watching, sing in the shower, or start a blog—embrace the freedom to be unapologetically you.

Channel Your Energy Into Hobbies

Hobbies help you focus on something positive and enjoyable, providing a much-needed break from stress. It doesn’t matter what the hobby is, as long as it’s something you truly enjoy.

It’s fulfilling to see yourself getting better at something. Even on days when it seems tough, your hobby is that friendly nudge reminding you that there’s more to life, and you’ve got the chance to explore it.

Set Your New Boundaries

Boundaries are the clear lines that show where you begin and others end. After an abusive relationship, knowing and communicating your limits is important to your well-being.

Having clear boundaries is not just about keeping others out—it’s about letting the right ones in on your terms. This can be an empowering step that reaffirms your self-worth and commitment to your new life.

Set Personal Goals

Life after an abusive relationship can leave you feeling like you’re standing at a crossroads with an unclear path. 

Start with small, achievable goals—this could be anything from improving your physical health with regular walks to learning a new skill that interests you. These goals help create a positive focus and can rebuild the sense of control that might have been diminished.

Next, think bigger. What are some things you’ve always wanted to do but never started? Maybe it’s going back to school, starting a new career, or even traveling solo. Setting these more significant goals can often feel inspiring, giving you something exciting to work towards.

Write your goals down, pin them on your fridge, or keep them in your phone—somewhere you can see them and be reminded that you’re on a mission. These are the waypoints on your journey to a new life, markers that celebrate your ability to dream and make those dreams real.

Celebrate Your Every Progress

Celebrating your progress, no matter how tiny, reinforces that you’re doing awesome.  Even small victories like making it through a tough day, setting boundaries, or spending an evening out with friends are worth acknowledging.

• Keep a journal of your successes. Writing down your progress can help you see how far you’ve come, even when you feel stuck.
• Share your successes, whether with a counselor, friend, or a supportive community group. Sharing your victories can reinforce your achievements and remind you that you’re not alone in this journey.
• Treat yourself when you hit significant milestones. This could be anything from a new book to a day out—it’s a way to remind yourself that your efforts are worthwhile.

Don’t wait for others to notice—be your own cheerleader. Pat yourself on the back for being brave enough to take on new challenges.

Embrace New Relationships

Now, when the time feels right, opening up to new relationships can be a breath of fresh air. Fresh bonds can help support and validate your new way of living. Just remember, you’re wiser now, and you can use that wisdom to form connections that are healthy and uplifting.

Start with friendships. Building strong, supportive friendships can provide a healthy foundation for any future romantic relationships. Having reliable and caring people around can also boost your confidence in your judgment and your ability to set boundaries.

When you do feel ready to explore romantic relationships, take it slow. Communicate openly about your past and your expectations. A good relationship should feel supportive and add positively to your life without rushing you or making demands that you’re uncomfortable with.

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Frequently Asked Questions

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Final Thoughts

Loving someone should never mean losing the love and respect you have for yourself. The hurt they caused belongs to them, not you. But healing? That’s in your hands now.

And the best part? That’s in your hands now. You have a say in how you mend and grow and who gets to be part of your world from here on out. You’re in control of your recovery, and you can shape it just the way you want.

At the heart of it all, remember that you deserve happiness and safety. Invest your love and energy in people who reflect that same love and respect back to you. You’ve got this, and you’ve got what it takes to build a future that’s all about the love you have for yourself and the love you share with good people.