Watching a friend struggle through a breakup can feel just as heart-wrenching as going through one ourselves. Often, we’re caught up in a whirlwind of wanting to help but not quite knowing how.
So, how exactly do you ‘be there‘ for someone swept up in the storm of a breakup? Could your well-intentioned advice actually make things worse?
Stick around, and we’ll explore the dos and don’ts of navigating this delicate journey alongside a friend whose heart is on the mend.
Table of Contents
- Listen Actively Without Judgment
- Encourage Them to Express Their Feelings
- Offer a Shoulder to Cry On
- Offer Warmth and Physical Comfort
- Be a Reliable Presence
- Stay Available for Late Night Calls
- Encourage Professional Help If Necessary
- Remind Them of Their Strengths and Worth
- Provide a Healthy Distraction
- Plan Fun Outings
- Keep Them Active and Physically Healthy
- Plan a Day of Self-Care Together
- Keep Them Connected Socially
- Offer Practical Help with Daily Tasks
- Help Them Rediscover Their Interests
- Encourage Positive Self-Talk
- Help Them Establish a Supportive Routine
- Join Them for New Activities or Hobbies
- Continue Checking In
- Help Them Stay Off of Their Social Feeds
- Avoid Speaking Ill of Their Ex
- More Insights from the Experts
- Final Thoughts
Listen Actively Without Judgment
When a friend is pouring out their heart after a breakup, the best thing you can do is listen. I mean, really listen with all your attention and without jumping to conclusions.
I know it’s tempting to throw in your two cents—especially if you’ve been there before. But trust me, holding off on the advice and just being a sounding board can be a huge relief to someone who’s feeling all the feels. They’ll appreciate the safe space to vent without worry.
Encourage Them to Express Their Feelings
Breakups can bring a tornado of emotions, and acknowledging them can lead to a healthier emotional state. Start by gently encouraging your friend to share what they’re comfortable with, whether it’s anger, sadness, or even relief. “It’s okay to feel this way” is a powerful assurance you can offer.
Creating activities that naturally elicit expression can also be helpful. How about a movie night with films that tug at the heartstrings or a simple evening walk? You could also suggest journaling—sometimes, writing down thoughts can help make sense of the chaos in one’s mind.
Offer a Shoulder to Cry On
When a friend is navigating through the heartache of a breakup, don’t underestimate the power of a hug or a pat on the back. It’s a non-verbal way of saying, “I’m here for you.” You’re literally giving them a shoulder to lean on, and that can mean the world.
Remember, offering a shoulder is not just about physical comfort; it’s about showing empathy and understanding without any strings attached. It can be the most straightforward yet most powerful gesture during a tough time.
Offer Warmth and Physical Comfort
In the aftermath of a breakup, the world can feel like a cold place to your friend. In moments like this, the simple act of offering warmth and physical comfort can make a huge difference. It’s not just about a hug—it’s about conveying, “I’m here with you, and you’re not alone.”
Think of it this way:
- A cozy blanket when you’re both on the couch can make the environment more comforting.
- Offering to hold their hand during a particularly rough moment.
- Sometimes, just sitting close enough to reassure them that they’re not physically alone can be soothing.
Be a Reliable Presence
Consistency is key when helping a friend through a tough time like a breakup. Let them know you’re there for them, not just today, but for as long as they need. That might mean regular check-ins via text or a standing coffee date every week. It’s about showing up, physically and emotionally.
Here’s how you can be that dependable friend:
- Send a quick message every other day. Just a simple “Hey, how are you today?” can remind them they’re not alone.
- Make plans that give them something to look forward to, whether it’s a movie night or a trip to a local cafe.
- Be patient. Some days might be tougher than others, and that’s okay.
"Be there in each state of grief. Know your friends will go through all of the stages of grief post-breakup. Try to be there for them during each one, which may require different aspects of your friendship. The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance."
— Dr. Tricia Wolanin, Psy.D. | Clinical Psychologist | Author | Yoga Instructor
Stay Available for Late Night Calls
Breakups have a way of making the night hours especially hard, and that’s often when the loneliness hits the hardest. So, let your friend know that if they’re staring at the ceiling at 1 AM, wondering where it all went wrong, they can pick up the phone and give you a ring.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your own sleep every night, but offering this kind of support can anchor your friend through those lonely night-time hours. Just imagine the relief they may feel, knowing that you’re just a call away when the silence becomes too loud.
Encourage Professional Help If Necessary
Sometimes, no matter how much we want to help, our friends need a bit more support than we can provide. If you notice that the breakup is taking a heavy toll and your friend is struggling to cope, it might be time to suggest professional help.
This doesn’t mean you’re not doing enough; in fact, acknowledging when to step back is a sign of a caring and thoughtful friend.
- Approach the topic with sensitivity and support, not as a judgment.
- Share resources or offer to help find a therapist or counselor.
- Reinforce that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Remind Them of Their Strengths and Worth
Breakups have a way of making people doubt their self-worth and forget their strengths. That’s where you come in—to remind them of the amazing person they are. Encourage them by highlighting their past triumphs and the challenges they’ve overcome.
Maybe your friend is great at their job, maybe they’re the most compassionate person you know, or they have a talent for making people laugh. Remind them that they’re valued beyond their relationship status and that their worth is intrinsic and unchangeable.
Provide a Healthy Distraction
While dealing with feelings is necessary, there are moments when distraction can be just the relief your friend needs. A healthy distraction can give them a break from their thoughts and emotions. But remember, distractions are like spices—best in the right measure; you don’t want to overwhelm them or encourage avoidance.
Here are a few ideas:
- Exercise together, whether it’s a brisk walk in the park or a yoga class.
- Engage in a creative project together, like painting or DIY crafts.
- Plan a movie marathon with some feel-good films.
Plan Fun Outings
Sometimes, a change of scenery is just what your friend needs to lighten their mood. Think of places your friend loves or has been wanting to visit and make a day of it.
Here’s the trick, though—it should be something that grabs their attention and suits their tastes.
For one friend, it might be a surprise trip to a comedy club because laughter truly is great medicine. For another, it might be hunting down the best food trucks in town because great flavors can be a real mood lifter. The key is to tailor the outing to what lights up your friend’s soul.
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Keep Them Active and Physically Healthy
It’s easy to let self-care slide after a breakup, but keeping physically active can be a huge boost to both the body and mind. I’m not just talking about hitting the gym or running marathons—unless that’s your friend’s jam, of course. It’s about finding ways to move that feel good to them, like dancing around the living room or even just going for a walk together.
Not only does staying active help distract them from overthinking about the breakup, but it also helps build a routine and brings a sense of normalcy back to their life.
Plan a Day of Self-Care Together
When times are rough, a day dedicated to self-care can do wonders. It’s not just about indulging; it’s about reminding your friend to love and take care of themselves—something they might have put on the back burner.
A self-care day doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. It’s about taking the time to slow down and do things that make you both feel good. Plus, it’s a great opportunity for some deeper, supportive talks in a relaxed setting.
Keep Them Connected Socially
After a breakup, it’s easy for your friend to slip into isolation. Help them stay connected with the social world. This doesn’t mean pushing them into crowded places or noisy parties.
Start small. Maybe a quiet dinner with a few close friends or a relaxed game night at home. The goal is to keep them around supportive people who make them feel loved and valued.
Offer Practical Help with Daily Tasks
Right after a breakup, even the simplest tasks can seem like mountains. That’s where offering a helping hand with day-to-day chores can really show your support. It’s not about being a personal assistant; it’s about being a friend who sees a need and steps up.
You could help with:
- Grocery shopping or meal prep to make sure they’re eating well.
- Running errands that might feel overwhelming for them to tackle alone.
- Organizing or cleaning up their space to create a more peaceful environment.
"As a physical move is often required as a result of a breakup, showing your support by offering to pack, clean, or sort through items is often tremendously helpful. Not only is the physical support often much-appreciated, but the bonding action of helping a friend move can feel truly uplifting."
— Dr. Carla Marie Manly | Clinical Psychologist | Author, "Joy from Fear"
Help Them Rediscover Their Interests
People often lose a piece of themselves in a relationship, including certain hobbies and passions. Help your friend reconnect with the things they loved before the relationship or discover new interests. This can be an exciting way to redirect their focus and energy towards positive and fulfilling activities.
Getting back into what they love doing not only helps your friend rebuild their sense of identity but also injects happiness and fulfillment back into their life. These activities aren’t just hobbies; they are powerful reminders that personal joy doesn’t rely solely on being in a relationship.
Encourage Positive Self-Talk
It’s human nature to be our own toughest critic, especially in tough times like a breakup. That’s why encouraging your friend to practice positive self-talk can be a game-changer.
You might catch your friend saying things like, “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never find someone else.” Gently challenge these thoughts and help them flip the script to something more positive, like “I am worthy of love” or “I grow stronger from my experiences.”
Help Them Establish a Supportive Routine
Creating a routine after a big life change, like a breakup, can bring back a sense of normalcy and control. Help your friend by brainstorming activities that could become part of their daily or weekly schedule.
This could include morning walks, reading before bed, or weekly movie nights with friends. The key is consistency and something to look forward to each day or week.
Join Them for New Activities or Hobbies
After a breakup, there’s a unique opportunity to try new things, and your friend doesn’t have to do it alone. Joining them in trying out a new activity or hobby can be an exciting way to explore and broaden their—and your—horizons.
- Have you both ever wanted to try rock climbing? Find a local gym and give it a go.
- What about a pottery or painting class? It’s both creative and therapeutic.
- Or maybe take a language course together. It can be challenging and fun, plus it opens up a world of travel opportunities.
Continue Checking In
Let’s not forget that healing isn’t a linear process; good days can be followed by tough ones. A simple message saying, “Hey, just thinking about you. How are you today?” can be a game-changer. It shows you haven’t forgotten about the struggles they’re facing or assumed that they’re all better just because some time has passed.
Regularly touching base with your friend demonstrates that you’re in it for the long haul. It can be especially meaningful on dates that may be sensitive for them, like anniversaries or holidays.
Help Them Stay Off of Their Social Feeds
Social media can be a minefield after a breakup, with potential emotional triggers just a scroll away. Encourage your friend to take a little break from social media to avoid painful reminders or the temptation to check on their ex’s activities.
Here’s how you can support them with this:
- Suggest a social media detox and maybe join them in it, turning it into a challenge you can both tackle.
- Encourage activities that fill the time normally spent scrolling—like diving into a good book or working on a fun project.
- If they’re really struggling, explore apps or settings that temporarily block access to certain platforms.
Avoid Speaking Ill of Their Ex
As friends, we might think that trashing the ex will help our friend feel better, but in truth, it can often make things more complicated. Resist the temptation to bad-mouth their former partner.
Instead, stay neutral if they come up in conversation. Offer support without adding fuel to the fire. It shows respect for your friend’s feelings—they may still care for their ex, after all —and helps them to heal without additional drama.
"I remember after one of my own breakups, a friend asked me to list off all of the things I didn’t like about my ex and I couldn’t think of one thing. It made me feel worse that I got dumped by someone I couldn’t speak badly about. Also, you never know when a friend is going to get back together with their ex so trashing them could cause problems in the future."
— Kendra Allen | Founder, Break Up Bestie | Host, Heal Your Heartbreak Podcast
More Insights from the Experts
“Breakups are hard enough on their own, without the drama that sometimes accompanies them. While it’s important to listen empathetically and let your friend express the host of emotions that naturally follow a breakup – pain, hurt, sadness, confusion, anger – it’s also important to protect them from needless drama!”
— Vindy Teja, B.A. LL.B. | Professional Life & Divorce Coach | TEDx Speaker
“Before you start offering suggestions or solutions, clarify if they are welcome. Sometimes people do not want advice. They just want to be heard and are not ready to listen.”
— Pam Mirehouse | Certified Divorce Coach, The Separation Project
“You can honor their anger without taking sides. It’s likely that you’re friends or acquaintances with your friend’s ex. It might feel really messy to navigate your role in supporting potentially two friends through a difficult ending.
If you find yourself feeling caught in the middle, let them know that you’re all about supporting both of them, but you won’t join in speaking poorly of either of them and stick to it.”
— Amalia Miralrio, LCSW, LMSW, M.Ed | Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Amity Detroit Counseling, LLC
“Once your friend has calmed down and gotten all their anger out, have your friend write down their list of what an ideal relationship would be like. This exercise will give your friend a deer in the headlights kind of awareness. It’s important to urge your friend to think beyond their ex.”
— Tamie Wilson | Certified Life Coach | Inspirational Speaker
Final Thoughts
Being there for a friend through a breakup can be as simple as being there—really there. It’s about showing up, tuning in, and standing by their side. Whether it’s through listening, offering a distraction, or just sitting together in silence, your presence is a powerful gift.
And don’t forget, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution here. Every friend and every breakup is different. So trust your instincts, ask when in doubt, and keep that heart of yours open. Your friend’s path to healing is unique, but with you by their side, it’s a journey they won’t have to take alone.
