Life can throw us some serious curveballs, leaving us feeling bitter and resentful. It’s tough, but you’re not alone in facing these emotions. The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
I’ll share some practical, straightforward tips to help you turn things around. Curious to see how you can start feeling lighter and more at peace? Keep reading to find out.
Table of Contents
- Learn to Forgive (At Your Own Pace)
- Don’t Forget to Forgive Yourself
- Figure Out Why You Feel This Way
- Talk About Your Feelings in a Healthy Way
- Recall the Hurt in a Mindful Manner
- Engage in Mindfulness and Meditation
- Live in the Present, Not in the Past
- Let Go of Grudges
- Try to Understand Other People’s Points of View
- Identify What You Need to Feel Safe Again
- Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
- Spend Time with People Who Lift You Up
- Seek Professional Help If Needed
- Give Yourself a Pat on the Back for Small Wins
- More Insights from the Experts
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Final Thoughts
Learn to Forgive (At Your Own Pace)
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve of what they did, but it’s more about giving yourself peace of mind than anything else. It’s about freeing yourself from the negative emotions holding you back.
Think of it like this: you’re carrying around a heavy backpack full of rocks (grudges)—each time you forgive, it’s like removing one heavy item at a time. You start to feel lighter and more at peace.
Remember, forgiveness is a powerful tool, but take your time with it. If today feels too soon, that’s okay. There’s no rush; it’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive right away. Just be open to the idea and move at your own pace.
Don’t Forget to Forgive Yourself
We often focus on forgiving others but forget to forgive the most important person—ourselves. Maybe you’re kicking yourself for trusting the wrong person, for not seeing the signs sooner, or for allowing someone to hurt you. But the truth is, we all mess up sometimes, and that’s totally okay!
Self-forgiveness is part of overcoming bitterness too. Holding onto self-blame and guilt only makes you feel worse and it can be just as toxic as external grudges. It’s important to cut yourself some slack and remember that you did your best with what you knew at the time.
Here’s what you can do:
- Take a moment each day to reflect on something you did well, no matter how small.
- Celebrate those moments and remind yourself of your worth.
- Write a letter to yourself, highlighting all the things you’re proud of and the growth you’ve made.
Figure Out Why You Feel This Way
Understanding why you feel bitter or resentful is crucial. Ask yourself what specific events or actions led to these feelings. Was it a betrayal, a broken promise, or something else? Identifying the cause helps you address the problem directly.
Try this: Write down what happened, how you felt, and why it impacted you so deeply. This reflection can be eye-opening and may reveal patterns or triggers you hadn’t noticed before. Once you know why you feel a certain way, you can start addressing those feelings head-on and begin healing.
Talk About Your Feelings in a Healthy Way
Keeping everything bottled up inside can make bitterness and resentment worse. That’s why speaking up about your emotions—in a healthy way—is a crucial step towards healing.
Let’s say a close friend did something that hurt you. Instead of bottling it up, try having a calm conversation where you explain how you felt. This isn’t about making them feel guilty but helping them understand your perspective as well.
Remember, it’s how you talk about your feelings that counts:
- Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming the other person.
- Talk when you’re calm, not in the heat of the moment.
- Be clear about what actions or words hurt you and why.
"Practice verbalizing directly to the source of your hurt and anger. Say what they did that hurt and angered you. If they’re a true friend, they’ll care about your feelings and listen. Talking is the glue that holds people and relationships together.
Most folks also need a physical expulsion of their aggressive impulses. Beat a punching bag, take a kickboxing class, pound a handball against your garage door, or lock yourself in your bathroom and scream at the top of your lungs! Get it out!"
— Dr. Fran Walfish | Beverly Hills Family and Relationship Psychotherapist | Author, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child | Regular Expert Child Psychologist, The Doctors on CBS TV
Recall the Hurt in a Mindful Manner
Recalling past hurts doesn’t have to be about reliving the pain. When those memories come up, don’t push them away. Instead, try to observe them without getting swept up in the emotions. Notice how they make you feel and what thoughts arise.
Think of it like you’re watching a movie of your life. Take a step back and observe the scenes that made you feel hurt. This distance can provide you with new perspectives.
- Set aside a quiet time to reflect on a specific incident that left you feeling bitter.
- Observe your thoughts and feelings as if you’re an outsider, without judgment or attachment.
- Ask yourself: What can I learn from this? How has this experience shaped the person I am today?
Identifying the lessons in these experiences can help you process the emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
"Recalling the hurt in a mindful manner allows you to observe the events of the transgression objectively. During this time, you aren’t minimizing or maximizing the event, but working to see the reality of the situation as best you can... Write down all you can remember and in the end, write a letter to the perpetrator explaining how it made you feel, but do not send the message."
— Elizabeth Louis | Mindset Coach and Consultant | Founder of E. Louis International
Engage in Mindfulness and Meditation
Engaging in mindfulness and meditation isn’t just trendy—they’re real tools that help manage emotional turmoil. They help you stay grounded and focus on the here and now rather than dwelling on the past. Even just a few minutes a day can make a big difference.
Here’s how to get started: Set aside a few minutes each day to sit quietly and focus on your breathing. When your mind starts to wander (and it will!), gently bring it back to the present moment. There are plenty of apps and online resources to guide you if you’re new to meditation.
Live in the Present, Not in the Past
Living in the present is closely linked to the mindfulness techniques discussed earlier. When you catch yourself stewing over past grievances, gently remind yourself to come back to the now.
What you can do:
- Engage in activities you enjoy, like a hobby or spending time with loved ones.
- Keep your thoughts anchored in the present. When thoughts of the past pop up, acknowledge them, then shift your focus to something immediate, like the texture of the desk you’re working at or the sound of your breathing.
- Practice gratitude. Every day, jot down three things you are thankful for right now. This habit can shift your perspective from what went wrong to what’s going right.
- Set small daily goals that make you feel accomplished and focused on today.
Let Go of Grudges
Holding onto a grudge can feel like holding a coal with the intent to throw it at someone else; ultimately, the only person who gets burned is you. Letting go isn’t about saying what happened was okay—it’s about deciding not to let those negative feelings control your life anymore.
How to start letting go: Recognize that letting go is for your benefit, not for the other person. Write out what you feel and why the grudge hurts, then think about what holding onto this resentment costs you emotionally and physically.
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"Holding a grudge comes out of the inability to express anger directly. Grudges are held by people who have a certain rigidity in their personality structures. Rigidity is considered unhealthy in the field of psychology.
Flexibility, openness, and fluidity are healthy, particularly because feelings change from moment to moment. A strong ego can move with the flow and be able to deal with disappointments, life’s inevitable ups, and downs, and daily letdowns."
— Dr. Fran Walfish | Beverly Hills Family and Relationship Psychotherapist | Author, The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child | Regular Expert Child Psychologist, The Doctors on CBS TV
Try to Understand Other People’s Points of View
Often, bitterness stems from miscommunication or misunderstanding. Taking a moment to consider another person’s perspective can open up new ways of thinking. This is not about excusing their behavior but about understanding the context, which might help you see why they acted the way they did.
Imagine a situation where someone hurt you. Ask yourself why they might have acted that way. Were they going through something tough? Were they misunderstood?
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their actions, but understanding their POV can soften your anger and help you find empathy.
Identify What You Need to Feel Safe Again
Finding safety emotionally after you’ve been hurt is key in moving past bitterness. Take some time to think about what will make you feel secure and protected. It could be physical space, emotional distance, or even specific actions from those around you.
Consider what makes you feel vulnerable. Is it certain situations or behaviors from others? Recognizing these can help you understand what changes need to be made. For instance, if public confrontations upset you, knowing this can help shape your approach to setting boundaries.
Practical steps to start:
- List down the things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
- Next to each item, write what change needs to happen to resolve this feeling.
- Discuss these needs with someone you trust, or if required, with the person involved.
Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
Once you know what makes you feel safe, it’s time to set boundaries. Boundaries are your personal limits that help protect your emotional well-being. They let others know what is acceptable and what isn’t.
For instance, if someone repeatedly brings up topics that upset you, it’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m not comfortable discussing this subject. Let’s talk about something else or give each other some space.”
Other examples of what this looks like:
- Saying “no” when you feel uncomfortable about something.
- Asking for a raincheck when not in the mood for socializing.
- If you need quiet time to recharge, let your family or friends know you need some alone time.
Setting these boundaries helps others know your limits and respects your emotional space.
Spend Time with People Who Lift You Up
Being around people who bring out the best in you is so refreshing, isn’t it? That’s why surrounding yourself with positive people are crucial because they don’t just make you feel better in the moment; they can do wonders for your mental health, too.
Take a minute to think about the people in your life. Who are the ones who encourage you, make you laugh, and support you? Make it a habit to spend more time with them. They are the people who genuinely care about your happiness and well-being.
Seek Professional Help If Needed
Sometimes the weight of bitterness and resentment feels too heavy to handle alone, and that’s perfectly okay! It’s important to recognize when you need extra help. And if you’ve tried various methods and still feel stuck, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional.
Therapists and counselors can offer you tools and strategies that perhaps you hadn’t considered. They can offer you new perspectives, coping skills, and a safe space to talk about your feelings without judgment.
A few things to consider:
- Schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in emotional issues or personal relationships.
- Consider online therapy options if finding time or commuting is a challenge.
Remember, this is about you getting better. No one else needs to know unless you choose to tell them.
Give Yourself a Pat on the Back for Small Wins
Celebrate your progress, no matter how small it may seem. Overcoming bitterness and resentment is a journey, and every step forward is worth acknowledging.
Did you successfully manage a conversation without feeling upset? Did you manage to forgive someone a little? Did you say “no” to something that hurt you? Great job! These are significant moments!
Recognizing small victories can boost your confidence and keep you motivated. Keep a journal and jot down these small wins. It might seem trivial, but seeing your progress on paper can be incredibly encouraging. You could also try treating yourself occasionally. Maybe a piece of your favorite snack, a movie night, or whatever feels like a little celebration to you.
Acknowledging your progress, no matter how small, motivates you to keep pushing forward. It’s a way of telling yourself, “Hey, I’m doing better than I thought!”
"The thoughts of the past will come, but we are to live in the present, not the past. When they come to take the thought captive, think of it as a moving cloud and remind yourself you have forgiven the person and move forward with your life."
— Elizabeth Louis | Mindset Coach and Consultant | Founder of E. Louis International
More Insights from the Experts
“Forgiveness is not forgiving and then forgetting. Forgiveness is not about avoiding consequences. It isn’t about them saying, “Sorry.” Forgiveness is about the person doing the forgiving. Here is what forgiveness can look like:
Understand how we were hurt: Look at what offended you. What about that situation got to you the most? What were personal values offended or threatened? Why are those values important to you? That is the core of what you need to address to forgive.
Identify what you need: Identify what you need to feel safe again. Think about the offense and what it would take to trust again. To know that you probably won’t be hurt again.
Do you need to talk to the other person? Do you need an acknowledgment that they hurt you? Do you need them to understand the impact of what they did to you? Will concrete boundaries help? Or something else?
Decide to let go: Decide that you’ll protect yourself from future hurt and pain, but that you won’t continue to hold on to the hurt and pain.
Take action: How can you safely, legally, ethically, etc. get what you need to feel safe again (items from ”Decide to let go’)? Start taking action on this.
As you go through this process, the bitterness will start to dissipate. This will happen because the roots of the bitterness – the offending values – will come to light and can be directly addressed.”
— Rob Magill, MA, ICAADC, CCPG, DOT-SAP, LPCT | Founder, Magill Counseling Associates, LLC | BHI Certified Tele-behavioral Health Practitioner
“See that what they did was terrible, but they themselves are not. We must separate the person from their choice to participate in a sinful act…Besides, practicing mindfulness, compassion, and acceptance is a terrific way to help gain insight into what they were thinking or what drove them to do the immoral act…
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leader in self-compassion research, tells us that three elements compose self-compassion: Self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
- Self-kindness encourages warmth, understanding, and love towards ourselves when we fail or have to face painful situations.
- Common humanity reminds us that we all fail, we all make mistakes, and we are all works in progress. Primarily we’re all suffering, and we all participate with dysfunctional behavior to one degree or another. Therefore we all do immoral things to varying degrees, and we all want forgiveness when we do it.
- Mindfulness is maintaining a gentle observation of ourselves where we don’t avoid or suppress our emotions.“
“…The funny thing about forgiveness is the more you can practice forgiving, and the more you can take your thoughts captive, the easier forgiving someone becomes. Forgiveness is like a muscle we have to strengthen. Many people will tell you to forgive, but do not forget. Well, that isn’t how heart forgiveness – the attitude of forgiveness – works.
When you forgive but do not forget, you cannot forgive in your heart because, as a man thinks in his heart, so he is. When you think or dwell on the fact someone has hurt you, you’re reinforcing potential bitterness and anger within yourself…”
“…Remember, you have two choices: either forgive the perpetrator and move forward in your life or refuse to forgive the individual and allow your emotions to eat away at you.”
— Elizabeth Louis | Mindset Coach and Consultant | Founder of E. Louis International
“I think one of the best ways to overcome bitterness and resentment is to increase understanding and empathy for the person whom we feel has transgressed us. However, I know this is not easy.
Trying to understand and look for the causes of why someone may be acting a certain way based on their history and experiences may help you to reduce resentment. Once we can see these transgressions in a more empathetic approach, we may be able to reduce the personalization we’re experiencing.”
— Eva Goode, LCSW | Primary Therapist for Trauma, All Points North Lodge
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I am harboring bitterness or resentment?
You may notice feelings of anger or sadness when thinking about certain events or people. You might also find yourself dwelling on past hurts or feeling defensive often. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing them.
How long does it take to overcome bitterness and resentment?
Everyone’s journey is different. For some, it might take a few weeks or months, for others, it might take longer. The important thing is to be patient with yourself and acknowledge your progress along the way.
What are some daily habits that can help me stay positive?
Practice gratitude: Start each day by listing a few things you’re grateful for.
Stay active: Physical exercise can improve your mood and reduce stress.
Healthy diet: Eating well helps maintain overall health.
Mindfulness: Take a few minutes daily to practice mindfulness or meditation.
How can I avoid falling back into old patterns of bitterness?
Stay mindful of your thoughts and feelings. When negative emotions arise, address them quickly rather than letting them fester. Surround yourself with supportive people and continue practicing the strategies that help you stay positive.
What if my bitterness stems from a traumatic event?
If your bitterness is linked to trauma, it’s essential to seek professional help. Therapists trained in trauma can guide you through your healing process and provide specialized support to help you overcome these deep-seated feelings.
Final Thoughts
Overcoming bitterness and resentment isn’t an overnight journey, but remember, every small step counts. It’s all about making conscious choices to let go of negativity and embrace a more positive mindset.
You’re not alone in this, and it’s perfectly okay to seek support when you need it.
The most important thing is to be kind to yourself. Healing takes time, and it’s a process that’s unique to each person. Try out the tips we’ve shared and see what works best for you. Bit by bit, you’ll find yourself feeling lighter and more at peace. Keep moving forward, and remember, brighter days are always ahead.
