We asked experts to give us an insight on how to identify “victim mentality,” and how to eventually overcome it.
Lin Anderson, LMHC, M.A., Ed.M and Aaron Sternlicht, LMHC, CASAC
Psychotherapists | Family Addiction Specialist
Uncover how and why they feel like a victim
While it’s psychologically healthy to acknowledge negative experiences that come from circumstances of powerlessness, such as rape or robbery, for example, it is not healthy to constantly and continuously believe one is powerless.
Such people have a victim mentality, constantly thinking and feeling as if things are happening to them. Such feelings of victimhood have a negative effect on one’s well-being and on their recovery process from mental health issues and addiction.
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If such individuals always feel that their life is controlled externally, they will not be able to engage in the internal work that is necessary for healing. It is often difficult for such individuals to change their mindset, but taking ownership and responsibility for their life is essential.
There are a variety of techniques and strategies that can help individuals regain the power of their life through therapy. For example, cognitive behavioral techniques can help individuals separate fact from fiction by looking at their irrational beliefs and replacing them with healthier, more accurate ones.
Through psychotherapy, individuals can explore the root cause of their powerlessness, and uncover how and why they feel like a victim.
They can then be empowered to begin to take responsibility and control of their life and learn assertive techniques such as boundary setting. Victims should also work on having a more positive mindset in order to work on letting go of their suffering.
This can be accomplished through meditative work, practicing gratitude, journaling, and other self-care and therapeutic practices.
Clinical Psychologist | Author, “Love Now ~ Untangling Relationships“
The cause of victimhood
All people have the task of granting themselves the “right to exist” – as evolving life forms, for that is the nature of all life – we start small and grow as much as genetics and environment allow. Each of us is intimately aware of our ignorance and fallibility, despite what anyone else might think.
If we know our imperfection and yet do not have understanding and acceptance for ourselves as ignorant and growing beings, we might “disappear” before the seeming certainty of another and inadvertently make ourselves their victim.
Unless someone jumps out from behind a bush and holds a gun to my head, I always have the power to choose my actions and to learn from my experiences what I simply did not know before. I can trade victimhood for the stance of Student of Consciousness.
The solution
The way to overcome this self-induced victimhood is simply to claim our right to exist: I have my thoughts and feelings and would rather risk losing you (although I don’t want to) rather than to guaranteedly lose myself.
If we focus on deep personal growth and transformation, we will create a powerful foundation to face every kind of situation we may encounter in life. People need to change their consciousness (which is an internal process) rather than simply change their behavior. Only when we address the fundamental issues of existence is real change possible.
Most people are led into a futile pursuit of help from psychologists and authors who have not pursued their own personal growth deeply enough to have arrived at the truth of the human condition.
Their superficial, behavioral solutions are worse than ineffective – they tragically kill the hope of those they purport to help, attempting to “train” people to act differently rather than guiding them to truly understand why they have the reactions and feelings they do.
Rather than focus on what the other person is doing, we can look to whether or not we are being the person we like to be, and explore the feelings and reactions that interfere with that self-actualization.
Psychology Degree Holder | Writer | Author, “The Gift of Crisis: How I Used Meditation to Go From Financial Failure to a Life of Purpose“
A shift in consciousness
The inability to assume personal responsibility is one of the primary behavioral patterns for playing the role of the victim. In perceiving yourself as the victim, you feel cheated and convinced someone, other than you, should do something to help and/or “save the day.”
In victim consciousness, the primary perception is that life is happening ‘to you’ because there is no awareness of personal responsibility.
In order to shift out the perception of being a victim, what is needed is a shift in consciousness – a shift in self-awareness. You have to be willing to let go of blame.
Whether it’s getting to the point of being tired of re-living painful circumstances, or if you’ve run out of excuses and there is simply nowhere else to go, there will come a time when you must realize that as long as you continue to make others responsible for your circumstances, you are giving away your power.
Einstein said, “We cannot solve a problem with the same level of consciousness that created it.”
When you let go of the need to blame anyone (including yourself), you can begin to shift into the next stage of awareness to discover that you are far more capable than you realized. You come to see and experience that you are not a victim of circumstance but rather a creator of it.
Dr. Nancy Irwin
Clinical Psychologist and Trauma Recovery Expert |Primary Therapist & Certified Hypnotherapist, Seasons in Malibu
Unresolved trauma can allow victims to stay in the mindset of “poor me”
It is a natural phase, and one that ideally should not be rushed, for it is only in identifying and validating those feelings that one can begin to process them and allow them to transmute into a healthier mindset.
People who are stuck in this mentality appear to be fearful and “frozen” and feel they cannot move on or get ahead in life, physically, emotionally, psychologically.
Many are arrested developmentally at the age of the trauma. They may appear as dissociated, anxious, depressed, addicted, overweight/underweight, exhausted, passive, aggressive, and more.
Victimhood can feel very empowering
This is because it can attract sympathy, attention, and can be used as a great excuse to be irresponsible and blame others for anything else difficult that they encounter.
I am in no way blaming victims; they certainly were victims of circumstances at one time, but they are no longer so. You can choose to be a victim of your own mindset, or not.
Victims, however, can become victors
It is completely possible to turn victimization into self-empowerment, reaping lessons learned (resiliency, modeling healing for others, self-transcendence, etc.). It takes readiness, time, and willingness to be responsible, walk through the pain, and keep the wisdom and letting the pain go.
Tiffani Purdy
Life Coach | Emotional Authority Podcast | Author, “The Ego Death Experience: How to Boldly Face Death & Achieve the Ultimate Rebirth”
A simple shift in awareness
One of the quickest ways to recognize when you’ve allowed yourself to slip into the role of “victim” in your life is by transparently asking yourself:
“What is it that I really want to experience, and why do I believe I’m not allowed to have that?”
Our unconscious psyche has a built-in defense mechanism that will draw invisible boundaries around ourselves to keep us from feeling potential pain.
Instead of facing rejection or failure, our unconscious mind convinces us that it would be much easier to just not try and have the things and experiences we truly desire – placing us in a passive “victim” role in our lives.
We convince ourselves that we aren’t beautiful enough, that we aren’t smart enough, that we aren’t qualified enough, that we aren’t wealthy enough – ultimately creating a hard separation between ourselves and the desired outcome, proving to ourselves that we “can’t have that” or that it is only reserved for people who are “enough.”
A simple shift in awareness from the unconscious mind to the conscious mind, pulling ourselves away from the automatic response of “I can’t have this” to the active, solutions-oriented response of “how can I have this,” is all it takes to leave behind your victim mentality for good.
Adina Mahalli
Certified Mental Health Expert and Family Care Professional, Maple Holistics
Take responsibility for your life
A major indicator for victim mentality is the constant tendency to place blame on everyone else but yourself. But when you blame others, you give them power over your life. It’s easier to blame someone else for everything that goes wrong, but it’s about time you started to take responsibility.
Living as a victim will damage many parts of your life like relationships, ambitions, and achievements. Any pain you’re feeling will never go away if you can’t take responsibility for your own life.
The only way to feel better about yourself is to take responsibility. With this positive outlook, you’ll begin to build a stable environment that will help you not be bothered by what other people do or say around you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is victim mentality?
Victim mentality refers to a mindset where a person sees themselves as a constant victim of circumstances, events, and the actions of others. They tend to feel powerless, often believing they have no control over their lives or situations.
This mindset can result in a person adopting a passive attitude, focusing on the negative aspects of life, and feeling trapped in their problems. Recognizing and addressing this mentality is important to foster personal growth and a more proactive approach to life.
What is typical victim behavior?
Victim behavior can manifest in various ways, but some common patterns include:
• Blaming others: A person with a victim mentality often blames others for their problems and refuses to take responsibility for their actions. They might constantly find fault in the actions of others without considering their own role in the situation.
• Excessive complaining: Constant complaining about their situation is another typical behavior. They tend to focus on their problems and hardships, rarely acknowledging the positive aspects of life or taking steps to improve their circumstances.
• Helplessness: A sense of helplessness is prevalent in those with a victim mentality. They often feel powerless to change their situation and may avoid taking action or making decisions, believing that they have no control over their lives.
• Pessimism: Pessimism often accompanies a victim mentality. People with this mindset might have a negative outlook on life and expect the worst in most situations.
• Emotional manipulation: In some cases, individuals with a victim mentality may use their perceived victim status to manipulate others emotionally. They might seek attention, sympathy, or validation from friends and family by portraying themselves as helpless.
What makes someone have a victim mentality?
Several factors can contribute to the development of a victim mentality, such as:
• Past experiences: Traumatic events or difficult circumstances in a person’s past can lead to a victim mentality. These experiences may cause them to feel powerless and vulnerable, shaping their outlook on life and relationships.
• Learned behavior: Sometimes, a victim mentality can be a learned behavior. A person might have grown up in an environment where victimhood was modeled by family members or caregivers, making it a familiar and comfortable mindset to adopt.
• Coping mechanism: For some people, adopting a victim mentality can be a way to cope with stress, anxiety, or overwhelming emotions. By focusing on external factors and blaming others, they may feel a sense of relief from the burden of personal responsibility.
• Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to developing a victim mentality. They might feel unworthy or undeserving of happiness and success, leading them to view themselves as perpetual victims.
• Need for validation: A victim mentality can also stem from a deep-seated need for validation and attention. By portraying themselves as victims, individuals may receive sympathy, support, and attention from others, which can temporarily boost their self-esteem.
Why can’t I stop playing the victim?
• Comfort zone: Playing the victim can feel like a safe and comfortable space because it allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your actions and decisions. It can be challenging to step out of this comfort zone and face the reality of your choices.
• Habitual thinking: Over time, victim mentality can become ingrained in your thought patterns. Breaking free from these habits requires conscious effort and practice, as well as a commitment to changing your mindset.
• Fear of change: Change can be scary, especially when it involves confronting aspects of yourself that you may not be proud of. Embracing personal responsibility and letting go of the victim mentality means facing these fears and working through them.
• Lack of awareness: Sometimes, people don’t realize they’re playing the victim. By recognizing the signs and becoming more self-aware, you can start working towards a healthier mindset.
What are common playing victim statements?
Victim-blaming statements are phrases or expressions that shift the blame onto the victim rather than addressing the root cause or the perpetrator’s actions. Here are a few examples:
• “Why does this always happen to me?”
• “No one understands me.”
• “It’s not my fault.”
• “I can’t help it, it’s just how I am.”
• “You’re always blaming me.”
• “Why do I always have such bad luck?”
• “It’s because of my upbringing/background/genetics.”
• “You wouldn’t understand, you’ve never been in my shoes.”
• “I can never catch a break.”
What are the consequences of victim mentality?
A victim mentality can have several negative consequences on your overall well-being and relationships:
• Limited personal growth: When you’re trapped in a victim mindset, it becomes difficult to learn from your experiences, grow, and evolve as a person. Taking responsibility for your actions and decisions is essential for personal development.
• Strained relationships: Constantly playing the victim can put a strain on relationships with friends and family. People may become exhausted by the negativity and emotional manipulation, causing them to distance themselves over time.
• Reduced self-esteem: Victim mentality can lead to low self-esteem, as you may feel unworthy or undeserving of happiness and success. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you unintentionally sabotage your own progress and well-being.
• Diminished problem-solving skills: Adopting a victim mentality often involves avoiding responsibility and decision-making. As a result, your problem-solving skills may suffer, and you may struggle to find solutions to life’s challenges.
• Missed opportunities: When you view yourself as a perpetual victim, you may miss out on opportunities for growth, success, and happiness. Instead of actively seeking solutions or trying new things, you might remain stuck in a cycle of negativity and passivity.
• Mental health impact: Prolonged victim mentality can take a toll on your mental health, leading to feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and depression. It’s crucial to address this mindset and seek professional help, if needed, to foster a healthier, more balanced perspective on life.