John Edmund Mulaney is an actor, writer, producer, and a well-known stand-up comedian. In 2018, he won the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special.
His style of comedy is usually a story-telling about his childhood, his love life, getting drunk as a teenager, and just making fun of himself in general.
Mulaney is best recognized for his work as a writer on Saturday Night Live as well as a stand-up comedian with stand-up specials titled New in Town, The Top Part, Kid Gorgeous, and The Comeback Kid. He was also the creator and the lead of the Fox sitcom Mulaney, which was a semi-autobiographical series about his fictional life.
He made his film debut in 2018, voicing the character of Peter Porker/Spider-Ham in a computer-animated superhero film Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Mulaney is also known for his voice acting work as Andrew Glouberman in the popular Netflix original animated show Big Mouth.
Aside from being known for his hilarious jokes and witty character, John Mulaney also shared inspirational words to his audience. Listed below are some of John Mulaney’s quotes that explore his views about life, relationships, wisdom, and much more.
Fun fact: Despite playing a chaotic man-child on stage, Mulaney is a self-proclaimed lover of punctuality and a total neat freak.
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Best John Mulaney Quotes
These are the lines fans can’t stop quoting—quick, clever, and instantly recognizable.
I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.
— Kid Gorgeous at Radio City (2018)
Mulaney jokes about repressing emotions, capturing the struggle so many feel but rarely admit. It’s self-deprecating humor at its best—funny, sharp, and deeply relatable.
You know those days when you’re like, ‘This might as well happen. Adult life is already so damn weird.’
— New in Town (2012)
He turns the ordinary into comedy gold, summing up modern adulthood with a single sentence.
I have a lot of stories to tell you. Some of them are funny, some of them are sad. All of them are true.
— From a live performance interview
Mulaney’s honesty—always tinged with humor—draws in fans who appreciate realness as much as wit.
Funny and Relatable John Mulaney Quotes
College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?’
— Kid Gorgeous at Radio City
A classic Mulaney observation: personal, awkward, and laugh-out-loud funny.
I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.
— The Comeback Kid (2015)
A meme-worthy moment that’s been quoted everywhere—Mulaney’s signature self-effacing humor shines through.
One black coffee. Same mother—. Nothing in it. Don’t give me that look!
— From “SNL” monologue
Mulaney’s coffee order is both dramatic and hilarious, highlighting his knack for turning the everyday into comedy.
John Mulaney Quotes on Life & Growing Up
In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
— New in Town
He nails the universal joy of staying in, making the everyday feel profound—and funny.
It’s so much easier not to do things than to do them. That’s how the 2008 financial crisis happened.
— Kid Gorgeous at Radio City
Mulaney cleverly connects laziness to global events, showing off his signature blend of smart and silly.
You remember being 12, right? All you wanted was a Pepsi and a moment of peace.
— Live performance anecdote
He taps into nostalgia, bringing humor and warmth to memories of youth.
John Mulaney Quotes on Comedy & Creativity
If you’re comparing yourself to others, you’re always going to come up short.
— Late Night with Seth Meyers (Interview)
A reminder for anyone in creative fields: stay in your lane, enjoy the ride.
Writing is like therapy, but you get paid slightly less.
— Writer’s Guild Q&A
A tongue-in-cheek take on the struggles (and joys) of being a professional writer.
Comedy is not about being mean, it’s about being honest.
— Netflix Is A Joke Fest
Mulaney’s philosophy in a nutshell: humor with heart, never cruelty.
John Mulaney Quotes on Relationships & Love
I love my wife so much I don’t even want to make her mad in hypothetical scenarios.
— The Comeback Kid
Sweet and hilarious—a window into Mulaney’s take on marriage.
It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. Marriage, for instance. But I’m glad I did.
— The Comeback Kid
He pokes fun at commitment, but with real affection.
Sometimes you have to be your own biggest fan. Or at least, your only one.”
— Stand-up set, “From Scratch”
A gentle reminder to practice self-love, delivered with Mulaney’s trademark wit.
John Mulaney Quotes on Life Advice & Wisdom
You can do good work for a long time and still go home at the end of the day and wonder if you’re any good.
— Interview, The New Yorker
An honest look at imposter syndrome—wise words for creatives everywhere.
You know, you’re never too old to turn things around.
— From recovery interview, 2021
Mulaney’s journey through personal challenges inspires others to seek hope and change.
It’s always a good time to be kind, and it’s never a good time to be a jerk.
— Twitter, 2017
Practical wisdom, pure Mulaney.
Laughing Through It—With John
John Mulaney’s quotes aren’t just funny—they capture the joys, anxieties, and absurdities of modern life. With his unique voice, he turns everyday moments into unforgettable punchlines and heartfelt reminders that we’re all just doing our best. Whether you’re seeking a laugh, comfort, or inspiration, there’s a Mulaney quote for every mood.
