20+ Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Woman (With Expert Insights)

Have you ever felt like you were hitting a wall in your relationship, that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t quite connect with your partner on an emotional level? This could be a sign of emotional unavailability, which is often not so obvious to spot.

So, what are the signs of an emotionally unavailable woman, and how do you approach her? I’m here to help you identify patterns and behaviors that might indicate she’s emotionally unavailable. Here are the things to look out for:

Disclaimer: The signs discussed in this article are meant for informational purposes only and may not apply to every individual. Emotional unavailability can have various underlying causes, and understanding this topic should not replace seeking professional advice or therapy.

Fear Of Intimacy

An emotionally unavailable woman might have a real fear of intimacy. Even when she’s close, there’s an emotional barrier that keeps you at a distance. It’s like she’s there but not really there. You might sense this especially when you try to get closer, and she starts to pull away.

What this looks like:

  • She avoids holding hands or eye contact in public.
  • She keeps conversations light and avoids deep topics.
  • She pulls away when you try to talk about your future together.

What you can do: Start with small steps like gentle, open-ended questions that don’t feel too intrusive. Or you might casually say, “I really enjoyed our time together today,” and see if she reciprocates the sentiment.

"As adults, emotionally unavailable women fear vulnerability, intimacy, emotional honesty, and authenticity...She may be quite comfortable with the act of sex but very uncomfortable with any form of true intimacy."

Arielle Lindsey | Dating and Relationship Coach | Matchmaker, Tawkify

Unwillingness Or Inability To Communicate Honestly

Communication is crucial in any relationship. If she’s not willing or able to communicate honestly, it leads to a lot of frustration. For instance, you ask about her day, and she gives you a short, generic answer like “It was fine” without any details. Or, when discussing relationship issues, she might become defensive or shut down completely.

So, what can you do? Instead of pushing, set a relaxed environment where she feels safe to talk—like cozy evenings at home. Also, be sure to lead by example; share your feelings openly and without judgment. This can encourage her to open up more.

"You ask an emotionally unavailable woman questions like:
'How does that make you feel?'
'How do you feel about our relationship?'
'When [xyz] happened, how did you really feel about that?'


These types of questions can cause her to:
- Shut down (stop speaking altogether).
- Become very abstract in her communication (no clear thoughts are being expressed).
- Jump from one fragmented thought to another, making it difficult for you to understand what she is talking about.
- Become frustrated or even angry, seemingly out of nowhere (she’s trying to get you to back off and drop your inquiry)."

Arielle Lindsey | Dating and Relationship Coach | Matchmaker, Tawkify

You Feel A Lack Of Emotional Intimacy

Feeling a lack of emotional intimacy can be tough. It’s like you’re there physically, but emotionally, there’s a distance. You might enjoy activities together, but when it comes to sharing your thoughts and feelings, it feels like she’s not really present. This can be frustrating and lonely.

What you can do: Show genuine interest in her thoughts and opinions. Simple gestures like asking, “What was the best part of your day?” can make a difference.

She Keeps You At Arm’s Length

This can mean she’s reluctant to share personal details or let you into her life fully. It feels like there’s always a part of her that’s just out of reach. Maybe you want to know more about her childhood or her close friends, but she always seems to dodge those topics.

To handle this, try to gently bridge that gap. Invite her to meet your friends and family first. Share stories about your past and your experiences openly. This might make her feel more comfortable doing the same.

She Becomes Distant During Conflicts

When conflicts arise, does she tend to retreat or go silent? Instead of addressing the issue head-on, she might pull away and create more emotional distance. You might notice she prefers to leave arguments unresolved, which can be frustrating and confusing.

This can look like:

  • Ignoring texts or calls after a disagreement.
  • Using phrases like “I need space” frequently.
  • Avoiding discussions about the conflict altogether.

A practical tip: Instead of forcing the issue when she distances herself, give her some space to process her feelings. You could say something like, “I understand you need space right now, but let’s talk about this when you’re ready.” Later, come back to the conversation calmly and let her know you’re there to listen.

"Emotionally unavailable people often make significant attempts to avoid discussions regarding feelings or emotions altogether. They may steer the conversation to a different point when speaking of intimate topics related to their feelings or may stop talking completely."

Dr. Bryan Bruno | Founder and Medical Director, Mid City TMS

She Lacks Empathy

A lack of empathy is another sign. This means she finds it hard to put herself in your shoes or understand your emotions. For example:

  • She changes the subject when you try to talk about how you feel.
  • She downplays your emotions or struggles.
  • She doesn’t seem to recognize when you’re upset or in need of comfort.

So, how do you handle this? Try explaining how her responses make you feel. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, like, “I feel unsupported when I share my problems and don’t get a response.” Encourage her to express her own feelings too, and maybe ask how she would like to be supported. Building empathy can be a two-way street.

"An emotionally unavailable woman may respond in anger instead of the empathy desired. Anger can be present when an individual becomes frustrated or uncomfortable. I’ve had clients share that being around individuals who are crying or upset causes discomfort, and they may lash out simply because they won’t get the crying to stop."

Melanie Preston, LMHC, LPC | Relationship Therapist and Owner, Matter of Focus Counseling

She Changes The Subject When Emotions Come Up

You might notice that she quickly changes the subject whenever emotions come up. It’s almost as if she hits an “eject” button the moment things get personal. For example, share a tough day, and she starts talking about her latest project at work. Or, you mention feeling down, and she diverts to a funny story.

What you can do: If this happens often, gently steer the conversation back. Show her that discussing feelings doesn’t have to be daunting.

She Struggles To Comfort You When You’re Upset

When you’re upset, does she find it hard to provide comfort? She might seem unsure of what to say or do, leaving you feeling unsupported. It’s like she wants to help but doesn’t know how, which can be tough for both of you.

Think of a time when you were visibly upset and instead of offering a comforting word or gesture, she simply gave you space or avoided the topic entirely. It feels extra tough because in moments of vulnerability, you’d want your partner to be there for you.

To deal with this:

  • Express your needs: Sometimes, a little guidance helps. Tell her, “I’d feel better if you just listen or give me a hug.”
  • Model the behavior: When she’s the one struggling, show empathy and support. This can set a good example.
  • Be patient: Understand that comfort might not come naturally to her, and she might need time to learn.

She Often Uses Humor To Deflect Serious Topics

Humor is great, but when it’s used to dodge serious topics, it can be a sign of emotional unavailability. Imagine bringing up a serious concern in the relationship, and she cracks a joke instead. It can feel like she’s not taking your feelings seriously or avoiding the heart of the matter.

Instead of laughing along, gently guide the conversation back. Say something like, “I love your sense of humor, but this is important to me. Can we talk about it seriously for a moment?” This way, you’re validating her but also emphasizing the seriousness of the topic.

"While engaging in deep conversation with this woman, you may notice that she utilizes humor to deflect the acknowledgment of your emotions. As you express your feeling to her, she will find a way to:
- 'Lighten the mood' (through humor or sarcasm).
- Invalidate the way you feel, 'You’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think?'
- Express her nervousness through giggling, fidgeting, etc."

Arielle Lindsey | Dating and Relationship Coach | Matchmaker, Tawkify

She Prefers Surface-Level Interactions

You talk, but it feels more like chatting with an acquaintance than a close partner. Conversations revolve around work, the weather, or funny videos, but never really dive into deeper topics.

What you can do: If you want to break through, start by gently introducing deeper topics. Share something personal about yourself and see if she follows suit. Sometimes, leading by example can gradually encourage more meaningful conversations.

She Has a History of Short or Tumultuous Relationships

If she has a trail of brief or rocky relationships in her past, it could mean she struggles with emotional availability. Maybe she mentions how past relationships ended quickly or were full of drama, and you start to see a pattern emerge.

Here’s what you might notice:

  • She casually mentions multiple short-term relationships.
  • She talks about past partners in a negative light frequently.
  • She doesn’t seem to learn from past relationship mistakes.

What you can do is take things slow. Encourage open communication about her past and her feelings towards relationships without being pushy.

She Avoids Talking About The Future Of The Relationship

Talking about the future is natural in any growing relationship, so if she avoids these conversations, it could mean she’s not ready to commit emotionally. Maybe you bring up future plans like vacations or living arrangements, and she always finds a way to steer clear of the discussion.

Try saying something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you and would love to make some plans together. What do you think?” This opens the door without feeling too heavy.

Her Self-Worth Is Defined By Her Achievements

If she places a lot of value on her achievements, her focus might lean more toward work or personal goals than the relationship. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you, but rather that her accomplishments play a big role in how she sees herself.

Here’s what this looks like:

  • She might spend hours talking about her accomplishments but rarely about her feelings or personal life.
  • She might often cancel plans due to work commitments.
  • She might see downtime as unproductive and trivial.
  • You might feel like you’re in second place, always competing for her attention.

What you can do: Celebrate her successes but also encourage her to enjoy the present moment without the pressure of achievements. Plan activities that are purely for fun and relaxation. Say something like, “I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished! What about we take a break this weekend and just enjoy each other’s company?”

"Emotionally unavailable women often use their drive and accomplishments as a shield/distraction. Being a workaholic, overachiever, or perfectionist are all culturally acceptable behavioral patterns that can easily be utilized to create distance between themselves and the people who wish to get close to them."

Arielle Lindsey | Dating and Relationship Coach | Matchmaker, Tawkify

She Is Overly Independent

Being independent is great, but there’s a point where it might become a barrier. If she insists on doing everything by herself and finds it hard to accept help or support, she might be keeping you at a distance. You offer to help with something simple, and she always declines, insisting she can handle it.

Try to recognize:

  • She rarely asks for your input on decisions.
  • She downplays the need for emotional support.
  • She rarely asks for help, even when she might need it.

In these cases, try showing that partnerships are about sharing both burdens and joys. You might say, “I really admire your independence, but remember I’m here for you too. We can tackle things together. We’re a team.”

"...She is fiercely independent and knows the bitter taste of disappointment. Her superpower is self-reliance. It has not been emotionally safe to trust, so she often hurts others before they can hurt her. If you are her partner, perfection is expected and, of course, can never be achieved."

Christine Kotlarski, LCSW | Psychotherapist and Founder, High Note Counseling LLC

She Rarely Makes Future Plans With You

You try to make plans for future outings or trips, but she’s hesitant or always gives non-committal answers. It feels like she’s unsure about a future that involves both of you, which can definitely raise concerns about her emotional availability.

Instead of feeling disheartened, acknowledge her hesitance but remain positive. Start with short-term plans and gauge her comfort level. For example, you can say, “I know planning ahead can feel a bit much, but how about we schedule a fun day trip next month?”

This shows your willingness to include her in future plans without overwhelming her.

"...She might be hesitant or avoid making plans with others. She may generally avoid commitment, or if she does make plans, she may cancel at the last minute or ghost. She might be very limited in the personal information she discloses to others, which might make her seem like she is hiding something.

It is hard to get close to someone who is emotionally unavailable because they cannot allow themselves to match the level of vulnerability that someone else is providing."

Rachel Davidson, MA, LPC-A | Licensed Professional Counselor Associate, Malaty Therapy

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

When stress hits, does she resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms? This can be a sign she’s emotionally unavailable. Maybe she avoids dealing with problems by drinking, binge-watching TV, or even working excessively. These habits can be a way to escape dealing with deeper emotional issues.

What you can do: Offer to share activities that can alleviate stress together, like a walk in the park or a fun hobby. You might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been really stressed lately. How about we try doing something relaxing together?” Showing support without being pushy can foster a healthier approach to managing stress.

"There is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. These are all forms of self-care, but in excess can be damaging:
- Having a drink with friends
- Going to the gym
- Socializing
- Relaxing in front of the TV

As a general rule, if it’s having a markedly negative impact on someone’s life, it’s most likely unhealthy. How it shows:
- Turning towards activities that lead to disconnection
- Numbing with substances
- Distracting with digital stimulation (i.e., pornography, video games, social media)
- Distracting with the need for validation from others (social media)"

Laurie Gatti | Licensed Professional Counselor | Lead Clinician and Owner, Emerge Therapy 

She Has Difficulty Trusting You Or Others

Trust issues can be a significant barrier to emotional availability. She might question your actions or intentions frequently, or she’s hesitant to open up about herself. Trust issues can stem from past experiences, making it hard for her to feel secure in new relationships.

What this looks like:

  • She often questions your whereabouts or friendships.
  • She seems suspicious of your intentions without valid reasons.
  • She takes a long time to share anything personal.

Instead of getting defensive, try to build trust slowly and steadily. You could say, “I understand that trust takes time, and I am here to show you through my actions that you can rely on me.”

She’s Highly Judgmental And Critical

Constant criticism and judgment can stem from her own insecurities and a desire to keep emotional distance.

For instance, she might frequently point out your faults or criticize your actions or choices, she might also respond harshly or be dismissive when you share something, or maybe you just have this overwhelming feeling like you can’t do anything right in her eyes. This behavior can push people away, making it hard to form a close connection.

To address this:

  • Point out the behavior calmly when it happens. Saying, “I feel hurt when criticized without understanding” can open a dialogue.
  • Encourage a positive and supportive environment by acknowledging her good qualities and actions.
  • Be constructive instead of confrontational, helping her see the value in positive reinforcement.
"An emotionally unavailable woman is never satisfied with anything and is quick to find flaws. This arises from her perfectionist behavior:

- She is constantly striving for perfection, whether it be on a date, with a partner, or in a conversation.
- She easily gets upset or finds a person undeserving over minute imperfections.
- You will discover that she has an excuse to find something wrong with whatever relationship she might be asked to enter.
- She always makes a conscious effort to be pessimistic about everything and to criticize everyone she meets.

The issue is that she is unable to tolerate even slight flaws. She will find a flaw before anything else starts...This usually stems from their fear of being hurt, rejected, or relationships not working out that may have come from past traumas."

Laura Herman | Consultant and Writer, Seniorstrong

She Has A Controlling And Domineering Behavior

When she exhibits controlling and domineering behavior, it can feel like she’s trying to manage every aspect of your life. This behavior often stems from a need to maintain control to avoid vulnerability. It might make you feel stifled and like you’re walking on eggshells.

Here’s what you might notice:

  • She tries to dictate your daily activities or decisions.
  • She gets upset when things don’t go her way.
  • She constantly checks up on you and criticizes your choices.

What you can do: Express how her behavior makes you feel without being too confrontational. For example, say, “I feel like I don’t have a say in our plans, and it makes me feel undervalued. Can we talk about ways we can both feel more comfortable and respected?”

This opens a more balanced approach to decision-making, as well as setting clear boundaries so both parties feel respected and acknowledged.

She Often Cancels Or Postpones Plans With You

If she often cancels or postpones plans, it might feel like you’re not a priority in her life. This behavior can be frustrating and lead to feelings of rejection. Perhaps you’ve noticed she frequently cancels dates at the last minute, citing work or personal issues, or maybe there’s a pattern of unmet promises.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, try to understand her reasons. You might say, “I noticed we’ve had to reschedule quite a bit lately. Is everything okay?” This shows concern without being accusatory and can open up a dialogue about underlying issues.

"She struggles to stick to plans. She could leave everything up in the air when prospective plans are imminent, which keeps you wondering and waiting for a text or call. If you bring up potential plans, she can start to feel awkward or lose interest. 

This is typically not the case when someone is prepared to be open and vulnerable. When someone likes you and is emotionally available, they’ll make sure you know it through consistent communication and by expressing excitement about organizing future activities with you."

Marlena Del Hierro, MA, MDiv, LPC, LCMHC | Certified Clini-Coach® with a Masters Degree in Counseling | Spiritual Love Life Expert and Dating Coach

She Doesn’t Share Personal Issues Or Life Events With You

When she doesn’t share personal issues or life events with you, it feels like she’s keeping a part of her life separate. It can feel like there’s a barrier between you. While you’re open about your day and experiences, she keeps things to herself, leaving you in the dark about significant aspects of her life.

This could look like:

  • You learn about important events in her life much later, often from someone else.
  • She’s vague or secretive about her past or what’s currently happening in her life.
  • She avoids discussing important details about her day-to-day life.

What you can do: Lead by example and share your personal stories. You could start by saying, “I had a tough day at work and could really use some advice.” This openness might encourage her to drop her guard and start sharing more about her life.

She Minimizes Or Invalidates Your Feelings

It’s particularly hurtful when she minimizes or invalidates your feelings. You express something important to you, and she brushes it off or tells you it’s not a big deal. This can lead to frustration and may make you hesitant to share openly in the future.

What this might look like:

  • You share that you’re upset, and she says, “You’re overreacting.”
  • You tell her you’re stressed, and she says, “Don’t be silly, it’s nothing to worry about.”
  • You share an accomplishment, and she downplays it as not important.
  • She interrupts you when you’re talking about your feelings, shifting focus to something else.

To handle this, calmly explain how her responses make you feel. You might say, “When you minimize my feelings, it hurts. It makes me feel unheard and unimportant. Can we try to listen to each other’s feelings more openly?”


More Insights from the Experts

“…Unavailability may be caused by various factors in women and men. Some common causes women suffer that may incite emotionally unavailable behavior include:

  • Past trauma: Either family-related or from an abusive partner before – Women demonstrating this behavior may be doing so in response to an abusive partner they’ve had in the past or as a result of prior family-related trauma.
  • Gender roles in the society – In a traditional view of gender roles in society, women are often cast as being more emotional or sometimes less resilient than their male counterparts. This leads to many women feeling ignored, neglected, or simply not believed when they begin communicating emotions to their partners or anyone else. Experiencing this response can lead women to hide their emotions to avoid the responses they’ve experienced in the past.
  • Miscommunication – Love language and other forms of communication always differ from person to person, and sometimes miscommunications can be misunderstood as unavailability.”

Dr. Bryan Bruno | Founder and Medical Director, Mid City TMS


“Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean being void of emotion. It means that someone doesn’t engage with emotions that move them toward intimate connections but rather engages with reactions that keep them in a state of self-protection.

Emotionally unavailable women live in a state of reactivity. What is reactivity? It is an emotional reaction to something rather than an intentional response. This reactivity is a biological response to stress or trauma.

Often, people who respond reactively are:

  • Hurt
  • Suffering
  • Having unresolved pain or trauma
  • Utilizing reactivity as a form of self-protection

Reactivity in relationships will lead away from intimate connections and towards isolation and instability, ultimately increasing reactivity again. You might see the following traits in someone we call “emotionally unavailable.”

Disclaimer: All below are totally normal human emotions and experiences; the intensity, frequency, and level of destruction call for concern.

1. Trait: Anger – Anger is a typical form of reactivity. If someone is angry, it’s tough for them to listen, support, empathize, be patient and exhibit traits that allow for them to connect.

How it shows:

  • Violence
  • Name-calling
  • Yelling
  • Reckless behavior

How to interact with it: If it’s gotten to the point of outward anger, it’s best not to engage. Do not escalate the anger with more escalation.

2. Trait: Insecurity – We have all experienced a sense of insecurity in life… A small dose of it can be helpful for humility and to stoke the fire for hard work and preparation, but too much of it may lead to relationally destructive behaviors.

How it shows:

  • Possessiveness
  • Jealousy
  • Lack of trust

How to interact with it: Speak to the wound rather than the behavior. Understand it’s a subterfuge for pain. Affirming words may help.

3. Trait: Distancing – This trait is a bit harder to identify both in self and others because it’s more passive. It’s an internal “closing off.” Typical behaviors accompany it, but at its core, it can only be recognized by the person experiencing it.

How it shows:

  • Withholding affection
  • Closing off
  • Dismissive of someone else’s emotions
  • Behavioral cut-off (not listening, not empathizing, not returning calls, etc.)

How to interact with it: The antidote to emotional distance is to engage with vulnerability. This is very scary. It requires a safe environment and a degree of risk. An example of this would be having a conversation and calmly sharing feelings (and calmly listening, too) when every impulse is telling you to ignore the call, not to text back, cut the person out, etc.”

Laurie Gatti | Licensed Professional Counselor | Lead Clinician and Owner, Emerge Therapy 


“When a woman is emotionally unavailable, she may make you feel that the relationship is not up to her standards. You may feel hurt, left hanging, and confused about the situation.

If you try to make her your priority partner, she will tell you that isn’t good for either of you. She will always prioritize her own needs and happiness over anyone else’s. This could mean that she is not ready to be in a relationship and doesn’t want it right now… An emotionally unavailable woman is someone who:

  • Has unrealistic expectations of others.
  • Has low self-esteem.
  • Uses manipulation as an emotional outlet.
  • Doesn’t take responsibility for her actions in relationships.
  • Is most likely to be uninterested in having a close intimate relationship with anyone.”

Dr. Jeff Ditzell, D.O. | CEO and Lead Psychiatrist, Jeff Ditzell Psychiatry


“The first signs of an emotionally compromised woman are exhaustion and being overwhelmed. Having too many tasks and not enough time to do them affects us at a deep level.

Responsibilities at home and work can lead a strong woman to isolate herself from friends and family. This can be done consciously or unconsciously…People get used to our strengths, so much so that they forget that strong people sometimes need help and support also.

Women in hurtful places need dependable, strong, and capable resources and reinforcements. If a woman does not have this assistance built into her life, she starts to pull back…Emotionally, she can “appear” to be:

  • Unapproachable
  • Coy
  • Brooding
  • Angry
  • Quiet
  • Absent
  • Stoic

Now we see clearly why people think this woman is “unavailable,” right? She has pulled away at home and isolated herself from her friends, family, and co-workers. Carrying the extra weight of the “hurtful place” has caused all relationships to become exhausting.

Tory L. White, M.S., MFCT, EMDR | Registered Psychotherapist, Creative Pathways Counseling, LLC


“Emotional unavailability at its core is an inability or lack of desire to be intimate, which in this case is defined as close and not only sexual. Someone emotionally unavailable does not respond to your emotional needs or cues.

Some signs of emotional unavailability to look for are:

  • Difficulty expressing and handling emotions.
  • Inability to make and keep plans or their word.
  • Discomfort when getting emotionally close to other people.
  • When others attempt to get close to them, there is withdrawal or avoidance.

Emotionally unavailable women include but aren’t limited to, and as always, there is nuance to these:

  • Little to no communication about deep topics or really anything of substance.
  • Low frequency of communication because that means connecting, and connecting is scary.
  • Less likely to share feelings or reciprocate when emotions are expressed by their partner or date.
  • Wanting attention and being angry or disappointed when she doesn’t get it.
  • Inability to effectively communicate core needs and instead passive-aggressively acts out in an attempt to get needs met.
  • Career and work are a top priority as nothing feels as good as business.
  • Controlling and domineering behavior, strong masculine energy.
  • Doesn’t trust, which goes with the strong masculine energy, and therefore won’t ask for help or, if she does, will do it herself anyway.
  • She is seeing someone else, hung up on an ex, or both.
  • Doesn’t want to settle down or involve family and friends in the relationship.

Talia Bombola, LMFT | Certified Psychodynamic LMFT | Licensed Psychotherapist | Confidence and Assertiveness Specialist


“When a woman is in an emotionally unavailable state, this may show up as:

  • Being vague
  • Flaky
  • Unclear
  • Inconsistent
  • Canceling plans
  • Not committing to plans
  • Defensiveness
  • Objectifying
  • Avoiding any sharing of real feelings
  • Keeping things surface level; hot and cold behavior

Emotional unavailability is a coping mechanism driven by fear of love and closeness to avoid deeply meeting oneself and others, which is a must for intimacy.

Sivan Katz | Trauma + Somatic Informed Coach | NLP Practitioner | Matchmaker, Tawkify


Final Thoughts

Remember, noticing these signs doesn’t automatically mean the end of a relationship. Sometimes, these behaviors stem from past hurts, personal struggles, or even her own unique way of expressing love. It’s all about communication.

If you’re concerned, I encourage you to talk with your partner openly and honestly. Tell her how you feel and see if you can work together to build a stronger and more fulfilling connection. Remember, understanding and communication are the foundation of any successful relationship.

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Leah is a creative soul with a passion for telling stories that matter. As an editor and writer at UpJourney, she channels her natural curiosity and imagination into thought-provoking articles and inspiring content. She is also a registered nurse dedicated to helping others and making a positive impact.

In her free time, she indulges her artistic side as a hobbyist photographer, capturing the world's beauty one shot at a time. You can also find her in a poor-lit room playing her favorite video games or in a corner somewhere, reading and immersing herself in the rich worlds of fantasy and dark academia.

At home, Leah is surrounded by love and laughter, living peacefully with her partner and their three adorable shih tzus.