Delving into a romantic relationship requires the two people to “click”. Chemistry is an important part of all romantic relationships.
But how do you know if a man and a woman have chemistry?
Here are 28 signs according to 11 experts.
Bear in Mind the Infatuation Phase
There are a few signs which indicate there is good chemistry between a man and a woman. However, there is one caveat which should not be ignored and that is the infatuation phase of a new relationship.
During this period both people tend to be on their best behavior to impress each other and try to avoid doing or saying anything which might “blow it“.
The word “no” is seldom if ever used, conversations and laughter flow easily, cards and token gifts are given “just because“. Romantic weekend dates or getaways are planned and sex is spontaneous and off the charts!
A novice dater could easily start to believe they have met their “soulmate“. Unfortunately, it is not until an emotional investment has been made or commitment established whereby people reveal their “authentic selves”. At that point, they start to relax and feel safe enough to be themselves without the fear of their mate automatically walking away.
It’s almost a cliché to hear someone later say: “He/she is not the same person I fell in love with.” Therefore keep in mind those first two to three months of spending time with someone may not be a true indication of who they are.
As important as natural compatibility is it is actually our differences and our ability to accept those differences that will determine if a relationship succeeds.
Below are a few traits we typically look for early on to determine good chemistry:
Almost everyone wants to date someone they find attractive. Thankfully beauty is truly is in the eye of the beholder. Men, in particular, are very visual creatures. Very few men are dying to spend money and time with women they find absolutely physically unattractive.
Attractiveness is usually the initial impetus that causes a man to ask a woman out. Everything else about her is icing on the cake.
It may not be what a lot of people want to hear but dealing with truth adjusts expectations and reduces the odds of heartache. Nevertheless, some people would rather attempt to change the world than to change themselves.
When two people find each other to be physically attractive it is only natural for them to sense that they have chemistry.
Have A Similar Sense of Humor
One of the best indications things are going well on a date or in a relationship is when two people find the same things funny. Show me two people on a first date where there is no laughter or smiling and I will show you two people who won’t be having a second date.
Smiling, laughter, flirtatious banter, and maybe some sexual innuendo are usually a good sign there is chemistry. Ultimately if both people are not having a good time they are not going to want to repeat their experience.
Eye Contact & Undivided Attention
Another sign there is good chemistry is when a person drops everything to give their date their undivided attention.
If one person is talking to another while he or she is scrolling through their phone, reading a magazine, or otherwise distracted there is a disconnect.
In order to feel as though there is chemistry one has to believe they are important to the other person and vice versa. Especially in the beginning.
Share the Same Values
There is no amount of work or communication that can overcome being with someone who simply does not want what you want.
Ideally, you want to choose someone who wants the same things for the relationship you do and naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things.
Compatibility trumps compromise. Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys! The goal is to find someone who already is the kind of person you want to be with. Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Have a Similar Libido & Erotic Nature
As I mentioned earlier during the infatuation phase of new relationship sex is oftentimes off the charts. Both people are always ready and willing to have sex in as many different ways as possible in a new relationship.
However, a year or two later is when they will discover who actually wants to have sex four times a week and who is content with once a week. There is a big difference between having sex 208 times versus 52 times a year. It also does not help if one person is much more adventurous or open to trying new things in bed than the other.
It is not uncommon for long-term relationships and marriages to settle into a rut. They have the same “go to moves” with each sex session, engage in sex the same time of day/night, in the same room, and on the same days of the week. Monogamy becomes boring when couples become lazy.
A Mutual Desire to be Together Throughout the Day
Whether it is being together in person, talking/texting on the phone, or email exchanges when there is chemistry couples find a way to connect daily. They share what is going on with one another as well as possibly flirt or tease each other.
A day without being in contact with each other in some way is like a day without sunshine. In essence, they miss not being together!
Each of Them Likes Who They Are When They Are Together
Ultimately good chemistry comes down to how each person feels about themselves when they are together. At the risk of sounding corny, they feel at home when they are together regardless of whatever activity they may or may not be engaged in.
Some of the most intimate moments a couple experiences can take place in silence. Watching a sunset together, holding hands while walking, or snuggling on the sofa while watching TV together.
One Final Reminder
You really will not know what you actually have in each other until after the infatuation phase has ended. It takes time to truly get to know someone.
Good chemistry during those first few weeks or months of dating is not always a true indication of the natural chemistry between a man and a woman.
It is only after having some major arguments, misunderstandings, and finding out how you resolve them together that will reveal if the chemistry is real.
If you or your partner has to change your core being in order to make a relationship work you’re probably with the wrong person.
“Infatuation is when you find someone absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize they aren’t perfect and it doesn’t matter.” – Anonymous
“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen
Read Related Article: Best Relationship Books
Pure Force Enterprises Publisher for Wynter Sommers, PhD
Good chemistry can be detected by total strangers. It is body language but also that certain feeling of comfort with the other that you project as a couple.
Read related article: The 10 Best Books on Body Language
Has anybody approached you both and said you were a cute couple or reminded them about what true love is all about? That is because you conveyed respect for your partner. You focused on what they were saying, really listening. You sat closely, held hands or touched them in a gingerly gentle manner as if they were a precious crystal item for which you cared tenderly.
This bond cannot be created by force. It develops naturally.
You cannot force a partner to love you. You can coerce them, threaten them, seduce them, guilt them, bribe them…into being WITH you, that will only serve to get their attention and time… it does not give you their heart. Natural love must be given freely, nourished daily, and maintained. That maintenance comes in the form of daily actions which convey respect and that the other person is important to you.
If two people are focused on each other and really listening to what the other says…good or bad… that shows chemistry when you share a full spectrum of topics and know the other person will still accept you.
The small everyday courtesies doled out to the other really makes a difference. It creates a bond that others can see from across the room- literally from across the room.
- Others can tell you value what the other is saying
- Good or bad, you pay attention and respond to what your mate is saying
- You feel comfortable enough that you can sing along together in public, which is a sign that you can be playful and have fun.
- Total strangers comment on what a cute couple you are.
Psychotherapist, | Relationship Coach
Good relationship chemistry consists of three elements—physical attraction, intellectual attraction, and friendship.
Physical attraction alone is what many people mistakenly consider good chemistry.
It is the easiest one to spot due to the feelings of excitement, surging chemical reactions, and even obsessive thoughts.
However, over time physical chemistry gives way to attachment, which releases the cuddling hormone. This is when two people feel a deeper connection brought on by a sense of comfort and mutual understanding—which is the basis of all good friendship.
They laugh at the same things, get one another’s meanings easily, and there is a feeling of complete acceptance.
Intellectual chemistry is when two people challenge, inspire, and interest one another.
I recall an interview given by the late actor Paul Newman, who was married to the actress Joanne Woodward for many years; which is almost unheard of in Hollywood. He was asked how they had managed this.
His response was essentially that he “woke up with a different woman every day.” Clearly, he felt challenged and never bored with Joanne, and this helped keep the spark alive for so long.
If a couple has at least some measure of these three elements, they have good relationship chemistry.
Professional Relationship Expert | Strategist | Life Coach, Love Me Right
Ahhh chemistry! Everyone is looking for that heart racing, palm sweating, butterflies in the stomach kind of chemistry that you see in the movies. It always ends with a happily ever after. Chemistry can be a great starter to a deeper relationship.
Signs of Good Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman
- Calling In Sick: When you are willing to use a vacation day to be spontaneous and spend time together in the middle of the workday for a picnic or a walk on the beach.
- No Reservation: Most adults have experience heartbreak and are caution of being vulnerable. When you find yourself with no reservations about giving your heart to them right away.
- Absolute Passion: More than romance but the release of any judgment of experience. Everything that happens in the relationship is seen as an opportunity to grow closer.
- Creating Life Experiences: Your dates or not the ordinary movie and dinner. However, your date nights are creating moments that you will share with your grandchildren one day.
- Ability to Create: Creating a connection that allows you to be totally accepting, open-minded, and wholly joyful when you are thinking about your future together.
- Harmony Together: When you experience a permanent sense of pleasure, satisfaction, and ecstasy when you are intimate.
- Being In The Flow: You have never felt as excited and innovative in life and love as you are now.
Irina Baechle, LCSW
Relationship Therapist | Dating Coach, Irina Baechle Counselling LLC
Good chemistry between a man and a woman doesn’t involve only sexual attraction. Good chemistry is also about the ability to connect on every possible level: it is about the feeling that you are understood, supported, and accepted for who you are. Moreover, it’s about the freedom to show vulnerability without the fear of being rejected.
When you are in love not only with your partner but also with the person you become when you are around them – you may be sure that you have good chemistry with this person.
- This person feels like coming home. You have a feeling you have known your partner for years: she simply sparks your soul.
- You could stand in the rain with him. You and your partner enjoy spending time together.
- There is a deep emotional connection. From the very beginning of your relationship, you feel close and connected to each other.
- There is strong sexual chemistry. You feel a strong physical attraction and simply can’t get enough of each other.
Certified Relationship Coach
I love this question because it opens the door for people to understand the three types of chemistry that come into relationships: Physical, Intellectual, and Emotional.
Because there are three types of chemistry, it is paramount that people ask themselves if they have all three types, this instead of settling for one or two of them.
Think about it: How many times have you met someone for whom you have physical chemistry and yet you two could not have a strong, consistent, intellectual or emotional bond.
There are three signs that people have true chemistry that encompasses all three types:
#1 They have true comfortable silence.
When two people have physical, intellectual, and emotional (PIE) chemistry, they can be together without saying a word and not feel as though they are lacking or bored.
#2 One of the pieces of the chemistry PIE is in play and they are automatically thinking about the others.
For instance, they are having a deeply emotional moment and because of the strength of their chemistry, they automatically want to have sex or foreplay. Or, they are in sex and they automatically think about how emotionally connected they are. In other words, one of the chemistry areas does not occur without the others lingering terrifically in the background.
#3 Their chemistry has been tested and endured.
There will always be points in a relationship wherein the intellectual feels flat or the emotional feels lost and yet their overarching chemistry has them both yearning to repair and their strength does just that.
Health and Wellness Expert, Maple Holistics
As the saying goes, “time flies when you’re having fun.” The same goes for chemistry. When there’s chemistry, you won’t feel like any time has passed at all. You’re so engrossed in one another’s company, that no amount of time will ever be enough.
You’re Drawn To One Another
You can’t explain it but it feels like you two are magnets that seem to always find each other or bump into one another. You may have only ever spoken a few words to one another, but you can’t get them out of your head because what you felt when you saw them is called chemistry.
No Words Needed
You feel comfortable just looking at each other. You don’t need to communicate with words. You feel comfortable enough to just speak with your eyes and smile. The silence between you is never awkward because there’s a lot being said even though nothing can be heard.
Shirin Peykar LMFT
Licensed Psychotherapist | Founder, “Let’s Talk Divorce” Support Group
- You feel comfortable being yourself.
- You can talk about anything.
- You feel at ease in their presence.
- Your eyes are searching for one another.
- There’s a strong physical attraction that is ignited with any touch.
- You cannot help but want to touch them when you are in their presence.
- There’s a sense of familiarity even though you may have just met.
- Your bodies tend to face each other when communicating.
Celebrity Matchmaker | Relationship Expert
If you want to hold someone’s hand when walking together or putting your arms around each other’s shoulders at the movies and other signs of PDA.
It may sound old fashioned, but gazing into each other’s eyes can be the best sign of all that there is a genuine connection and good chemistry.
It’s not all about crazy sex and in fact, I’m a firm believer that on a scale of 1-10, you should choose the 8 or 9 instead of the 10! It can be unhealthy and can have you thinking unrealistically of nothing else…but sex! Great sex is great bonding, but real chemistry is founded on a deeper level.
Also, shared interests can create good chemistry, enjoying a few of the same activities and doing them together deepens chemistry.
Private Investigator, Pink Lady Investigations
I believe people confuse “butterflies” for good chemistry, they believe that their nervous stomach is a sign that they found “the one”.
Unfortunately, it can also be a physiological reaction, a sign your body is trying to screen at you to run, your body can sense when something is off.
So, how do we know when we have that real chemistry?
I can only speak to my own experience; this is how I knew the difference between an abusive relationship and a healthy one:
We finished each other’s sentences and would say the same things at the same time. It was a sign that we were “on the same page”.
We laughed at the same things. The same sense humor is a wonderful thing to have and a good sign of good chemistry.
We both had the same belief in how to treat people, you can’t have good chemistry when one person believes in human respect and one has a major lack of morals.
Dating Coach for Men | Founder, The Wing Girl Method
Chemistry is not just connecting and bonding over shared likes. Chemistry in this situation is what typically makes for a great friendship.
When women are wanting romantic chemistry they’re looking for that roller coaster sensation feeling in their stomach. A feeling that isn’t just warm or just exciting or just nice.
They want the ups and downs of it all. Romantic chemistry is when you click on many levels of shared interests, attraction, and excitement.