19 Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Parents (+ Ways to Cope)

Growing up, we all look to our parents for love, comfort, and guidance. But what if those needs are met with silence or a shrug? It’s like trying to connect with someone who is physically there but emotionally distant.

You might feel lonely, misunderstood, or unloved despite having a parent right beside you. Parents are humans, too, and sometimes, they struggle with their own emotions and fail to be there for us the way we need them to be.

Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability in a parent is the first step toward understanding your experiences and emotions. This article lays out clear signs to identify such behaviors and offers solid ways to cope with them. After all, managing these relationships better can help improve your emotional health.

Dismissive of Their Child’s Emotional Needs

When children try to express how they feel, talking about their worries or even their day, and the parent brushes them off or changes the subject, it’s like saying their feelings don’t matter.

Imagine a child trying to share a story about their day or maybe something that’s bothering them, and the parent either changes the subject or brushes it off with a “That’s nothing to worry about.”

Growing up with your feelings brushed, you’ll get used to dealing with problems on your own since you figure no one else will listen. Many people end up not looking for help when they’re older because they expect the same old cold shoulder.

If you find yourself in such a situation, it’s important to recognize that your feelings do matter, and this isn’t about you not being worth it—it’s about your parent not knowing how to connect with you on that level.

Look for people who will lend an ear, like a teacher you trust or a cool aunt or uncle. It’s also a good move to talk to a counselor. They’re trained to listen and can give you good ideas on how to handle your feelings and know they’re totally okay.

Withholds Affection or Praise

In homes where congratulations and hugs are scarce, kids can feel pretty overlooked. Sure, parents might think being strict with praise will push their kids to try harder. But when your little victories don’t seem to matter to your own parents, it’s like you’re just not important enough to make them proud.

Not getting that pat on the back from your mom or dad is a real downer. It can lead you to look for approval in all the wrong places or to feel like you never measure up because the people who should be rooting for you just aren’t. This can really mess with your self-confidence.

The way forward? Start by telling yourself you’re awesome no matter what. Even if your parents aren’t giving you the thumbs up, it doesn’t mean your achievements aren’t great. Here are a few tips:

Celebrate your own wins—have some ice cream or do a little happy dance to mark the occasion.
Share your good news with friends who cheer you on.
Give yourself a high-five in the mirror, and don’t forget to tell yourself, “Good job!”

Unconcerned with Their Child’s Daily Life

Kids feel it when no one at home seems to remember the details—like that math test they spent all week studying for or the art project they’ve been excited about. It’s a lonely feeling when you’re buzzing about your day, and there’s no one to share it with at home.

These regular, caring conversations are the glue that bonds families together. Without it, a child can feel more like a guest in their house instead of a key member of the family.

Seek out people who make time for you. This could be friends, other family members, or maybe a cool teacher who always asks how you’re doing. Your interests and daily life matter, so surround yourself with people who think so, too!

Reluctance to Engage in Their Child’s Life

It can be disheartening when it seems like your parents are always on the sidelines of your life, not really wanting to jump in and participate. You might wonder if they’re really interested in being a part of your life or if they’re just going through the motions because that’s what parents are “supposed” to do.

This distance can feel even wider during special occasions like birthdays or holidays. Maybe you notice that they don’t put much effort into these events, which can sting, making these times less joyful. It feels as though if you didn’t bring it up, they might not even think about celebrating.

Now, if you’re nodding along to this, know that it’s okay to feel upset about it. You’re not asking for the moon—just for a bit of interest in what you do. But their lack of interest is not a reflection of how amazing you are.

Limited Expression of Love or Affection

Let’s face it: When your parents rarely show love or affection, your home can feel more like a boarding house—everyone is just living together but not really connecting.

You might long for a hug, a pat on the back, or even a warm smile. This scarcity can leave you wondering why you don’t seem to get the same affection that you see your friends receive.

Parents might show love in different ways, and maybe for them, it’s doing things like fixing your bike or making sure you have what you need for school. However, without those words of affirmation or physical touch, it can feel empty inside.

Coping with this might involve learning to appreciate the different ways people express love while also seeking out and forming bonds with others who communicate affection in ways that meet your emotional needs.

"If a child is excited about being accepted into their college of choice, the parent responding with a warm smile, saying "Congratulations!" and giving a hug provides emotional availability. It is essentially saying to the child, "I am with you in this emotion!"

On the flip side, in this same scenario, these may communicate that parents were unable to provide emotional availability in celebrating alongside their child:

- They don't respond,
- They give the child with a still, flat-faced expression,
- They say, "Nice" in a low, flat voice tone, and then exit the room.

This may communicate to the child that their excitement is an overreaction, that it isn't something to celebrate, or  the parent doesn't value what is important to the child.

While we can't always be emotionally available all the time, it is important to note that a parent's goal is to be emotionally available more often than not. The goal here isn't perfection. Good enough is good enough!"

— Tyler Keith | Child-Parent Psychotherapy | Licensed Clinical Social Worker,  Thriveworks in Wilmington

They’re Emotionally Abusive

Emotional abuse is not often talked about because it doesn’t leave a bruise like physical abuse might. But it hurts all the same. This kind of treatment can include:

Regularly calling the child names or using insults.
Consistently belittling the child’s achievements or interests.
Threatening or using manipulation to control the child’s behavior.
Blaming the child for problems outside of their control.
Isolating the child from friends and activities is a form of punishment.

These behaviors can make you feel worthless or scared to speak up. Kids who go through this often think it’s their fault. They worry that something’s wrong with them, but that’s just not true. No one has the right to mess with your feelings or make you feel bad about yourself.

Remember, you have the right to feel safe and respected. There are hotlines and services that can offer help. Reach out when you’re ready. It’s a brave step to take.

Harshly Critical

Harsh criticism can feel like you’re living under a microscope, with a parent who’s always focusing on what’s wrong instead of cheering you on. This relentless scrutiny can be about grades, the way you dress, your friends—almost anything.

Instead of constructive guidance, you hear only how you’ve messed up or could do better. It’s like never getting a break, always having to prove yourself, and still not making it to the cut.

This constant criticism can beat down a kid’s spirit. You might try to perfect every little thing to avoid that harshness, but often, it feels like you’ll always fall short. It creates a loop of stress and disappointment for wanting something as simple as a word that says, “Hey, you did a good job there.”

If this is all too familiar, give this a shot:

Set goals for yourself, and celebrate when you meet them, no matter what anyone else says.
Keep track of compliments you get from others or just the things you did well, and review them when you need a boost.

You are way more than the sum of someone else’s comments. Your achievements, small and big, are worth celebrating, even if you’re the only one clapping.

Unpredictable Mood Swings

Living with a parent who has unpredictable mood swings can feel like you’re never sure which version of them you’re going to get. One minute, they might be in a great mood, and the next, they could be completely shut down or upset.

This kind of home environment can make kids really anxious. You’re always on the lookout for the next mood shift, reading into every little thing as a possible warning. It’s exhausting, and it takes your attention away from just being a kid. You might even find yourself trying to be the peacemaker or the mood-lifter, even though that’s really not your job.

To handle a parent’s mood swings:

Create a space that feels safe for you, something you can control. This could be your room, where you can relax and feel at ease no matter what’s going on outside of it.
Learn stress-management techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness. These can help you stay calm in the face of your parent’s changing moods.

You are not responsible for your parents’ moods. You have your own life to live, and you should be able to enjoy it.

They Display Distant Behaviors

When a parent is often emotionally distant, it can feel like they’re just going through the motions of daily life without really connecting. This might make you feel like you’re missing out on a deeper, more supportive relationship. They might handle interactions with you more like tasks to check off rather than opportunities to bond, which can be pretty disheartening.

They rarely initiate conversations and give brief, non-engaging responses when you try to talk.
They often stay in their room or a specific part of the house, away from where you spend your time.
They rarely, if ever, attend your school functions or extracurricular events.
They seem uninterested in your hobbies and don’t ask to see your projects or achievements.

More than anything, don’t close up—your life is full of interesting stories and milestones, and finding people who appreciate it helps you remember how much you have to offer.

They Don’t Listen

There’s a hollow feeling when you’re talking and realize your parents aren’t really listening. Their eyes might glance at the clock, or they’ll nod without really hearing you.

When your voice seems to vanish into thin air around your mom or dad, you might start to think your stories aren’t worth sharing. Maybe you begin to talk less or stop sharing what’s on your mind altogether. It’s not pleasant to feel like you’re talking to a brick wall, so you might just give up on trying to knock it down.

To cope with this, finding other adults or friends who hear you out can be a relief and a reminder that your voice is valuable. Also, getting into the habit of writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them by yourself, which is pretty empowering.

Lastly, if you feel up to it, try expressing to your parent how their behavior makes you feel. Sometimes, people don’t realize the impact of their actions until it’s clearly spelled out. It might help them see the importance of listening more attentively.

They Always Make Things About Them

It can be really annoying when parents keep shifting the focus to themselves, even when you’re talking about your things. You might be in the middle of explaining why you felt upset by a friend, and suddenly, the talk shifts to that time they had a similar experience years ago.

This constant redirect can be draining. It’s as if there’s only enough room for their feelings, not yours. You start wondering if it’s even possible to carve out a little space for yourself.

Sometimes, just recognizing that this is your parent’s way and it’s not about you can take some of the sting out of it. Keep bringing your stuff to the table, and remember that your part in any conversation is just as important as anyone else’s.

"They may give themselves credit for your successes, compare your successes to their own, and may not make an effort to show up for your activities or important events and steal the show, so to speak, when they are there.

- These parents may not listen or ask about your day.
- They may not congratulate achievements or may redirect to their own achievements.
- They may care more about their own happiness or pleasure than your own.
- They may not be responsive to your complaints and rather defensive, make excuses or blame you."

— Carrie Krawiec | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Birmingham Maple Clinic

They’re Unable to Apologize for Their Behavior

Dealing with a parent who won’t say sorry when they’ve done something wrong is really tough. They might make excuses or act like nothing happened. This can hurt and make you feel like your feelings don’t matter to them. It’s like they dropped your ice cream and then just walked away.

Without an apology, it’s hard to move past hurts and misunderstandings. You might end up holding onto grudges or feeling like trust is a bridge that’s too broken to cross.

Here’s how you might deal with it:

Set clear boundaries about what behavior you can accept from them and stick to these limits.
Understand that their inability to apologize likely stems from their own issues and doesn’t reflect their self-worth.

And maybe learn a lesson from their book—apologize when you make mistakes. It’s a powerful thing to say sorry, and it’s a step towards healing and building stronger bridges with the people around you.

They Can’t Commit to Plans

If making plans with your parents feels like writing on water, you might be dealing with emotional unavailability. It’s like asking them to watch a movie on Friday, and they say yes, but when Friday rolls around, they’ve got other things happening.

It’s not just annoying; it’s disappointing—like getting ready for a party that gets canceled at the last minute. This can make it difficult to trust their word down the line.

You might stop expecting anything to happen, even when they say it will. It’s rough, but it’s also a way to protect yourself from more letdowns. After a while, you might not bother making plans with them and just focus on friends or activities that are more reliable.

So, what can you do when plans fall through? Build a support network that counts—people who stick to their word and show they value time with you. And sometimes, go have fun on your own. You don’t always need a plus-one to make memories.

They Consistently Break Promises

There’s a piece of you that breaks, too, every time a parent breaks a promise. Maybe they said they’d come to your game or that you’d go out for ice cream, and then it never happens. Their words start to feel like empty promises.

This pattern can make you think twice before getting excited about any promise they make. You might brace yourself for the letdown, or you don’t believe it till you see it—because history tells you otherwise. It’s a way to guard your heart against disappointment.

But here’s something to hold onto: Keep your own promises to yourself. Your trust is precious—keep it for those who treat it with the respect it deserves.

Overly Focused on Their Own Needs

A parent who is overly focused on their own needs often leaves little room for the needs of others. This might mean prioritizing their interests or problems so much that your needs and concerns seem to always take a back seat.

Living with someone like this can be tough because it might feel like your role is to support them while your own needs for support and attention go unmet.

Pushing back is not always easy, but it’s worth trying to carve out a space for yourself. When it’s time to make decisions, speak up about your preferences. Remember that your needs are just as important, and taking the driver’s seat sometimes is okay.

"The realization that we have an emotionally unavailable parent can happen quite slowly. Some may experience a sense of closeness with their parent, but in more of a friendly way, where the parent seems to enjoy their company and may even confide in their child.

But if the child needs their parent to be more emotionally supportive or if the parent has been hurtful toward the child, their friendly attitude may disappear, and they can become withdrawn or defensive."

— Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT | Program Manager, Thrive Therapy & Counseling

Difficulty Handling Stress or Conflict

Living with a parent who can’t handle stress or conflict well can make home life unpredictable and often uncomfortable. Simple disagreements might turn into big arguments, or they might withdraw completely, avoiding conflict resolution altogether.

This instability can be unsettling. Home is supposed to be your safe place, but when stress creeps in, it can feel like you’re stuck in a storm with no umbrella. You learn to navigate carefully, sometimes putting aside your own problems because it seems like one more raindrop could cause a flood.

What to do, then?

Find stability elsewhere. Maybe there’s a coach, neighbor, or school counselor who’s steady and calm, someone who can teach you and model for you how to manage when life gets stormy.
Practice handling stress in a healthy way, such as through exercise, music, or talking things through.

Buying Their Child’s Happiness

Some parents think the easiest way to make everything okay is to buy you stuff.

Got an ‘A’ on your report card? Here’s a gift.
Feeling sad? Let’s go shopping.

It might feel good for a bit, but soon, it becomes clear that these are substitutes for time and emotional connection. The stuff and things pile up, but they can’t replace a genuine bond.

It feels shallow like they’re missing the point. You don’t just want the newest gadget—you want to share the excitement, victories, and even defeats, expecting a listening ear, not just presents.

To cope with this, it’s important to cultivate relationships with others who appreciate you for who you are—not just for what you can give or receive materially. Engaging in activities that build your skills or nourish your spirit, like sports, arts, or volunteering, can also help validate your intrinsic worth.

Not Talking About Real Issues with Their Child

They stay clear of topics about feelings, the future, or anything that’s significant. It can make you feel like you’re living on the surface when there’s a whole world underneath that you want to explore with them.

This refusal or inability to wade into deeper waters with you can be tough to navigate. You might have questions or need advice on stuff that really matters, but instead, you’re met with small talk.

Building your own circle of support is key here. Friends, older siblings, or even online groups can be brilliant at discussing the heavy stuff when your parents aren’t up for it. And remember, seeking professional help like a counselor or mentor can be a lifeline—they’re there to dive into the depths with you.

They’re Friendlier to Other People

Seeing a parent who is friendlier or more open with others than they are with their own family can sting. It might make you feel less appreciated or loved, wondering why you don’t receive the same warmth and attention. This behavior can lead to feelings of jealousy or inadequacy, especially if you crave a closer relationship with your parent.

If this sounds familiar, try to build your own network of warm connections. Also, it’s worth mentioning how you feel to your parents—sometimes, they’re not even aware of how they come across.

Above all, don’t let their cool demeanor dictate the warmth you share with the world. Be the friendly face for others, and you’ll find it reflected back at you.

Ways to Cope

Go to individual therapy and work on bettering your emotional and overall mental health.
Go to family therapy if they will, and you want to. Some parents act this way because they honestly don’t know any better. However, once you point it out and behaviors don’t change, they’ve told you what they think about their actions.
Write a letter to your parents explaining specific events and times where they hurt you or didn’t show up for you. Sleep on it for a few days, then go back to the list and write the ‘parental response’ that you would have loved to hear and reparent your inner child.
Do inner child work. I can speak from personal and professional experience that this type of self-work is profoundly beneficial and therapeutic. You can go about this in all sorts of ways, like meditation retreats, traditional therapy, creative arts therapy, reading on the topic, etc.

— Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC | Licensed Clinical Psychologist | Health Service Psychologist | Adjunct Professor | Author, “For What It’s Worth“

Set time limits and practice consistent self-care. When this is the case, it can be helpful to think about how much time and energy you want to put into this relationship and set up some clear boundaries with your parent, especially if they expect you to be there for them emotionally but can’t reciprocate. Set time limits for how long and how often you can speak with them and practice consistent self-care.

— Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT | Program Manager, Thrive Therapy & Counseling

Know that you are loved. Family is much more than flesh and blood. It’s the people you surround yourself with that support and love you, even when you are not at your best. This means that if a parent can’t show you the love you deserve, you can still find love from others.
Consider talking to a professional who can help you to realize what your upbringing did to you and how you can stop the cycle. Having an emotionally unavailable parent is difficult, but you are not your parent. In time you can learn how to best handle having an emotionally unavailable parent so you can be your best self.

— AJ Silberman-Moffitt | Senior Editor, Tandem

Frequently Asked Questions

Can an emotionally unavailable parent still love their child?

Yes, an emotionally unavailable parent can still love their child. They might just have a hard time showing or communicating their love in ways that you can feel and understand.

Is emotional unavailability the same as neglect?

Not necessarily. Emotional unavailability means a parent has difficulty connecting on an emotional level, while neglect is a form of abuse where a child’s basic needs aren’t met. However, emotional unavailability can feel like neglect to a child.

Why are some parents emotionally unavailable?

There are many reasons, including their own past traumas, stress, mental health issues, lack of understanding about emotional needs, or not having had good role models themselves.

Final Thoughts

It’s never easy to realize that your relationship with your parents might have gaps, especially emotional ones. Still, knowing these signs and figuring out ways to deal with them is a big step in the right direction.

Just remember that your feelings are as real as it gets, and you deserve to have them heard and felt, even if it’s not at home. There’s a big world out there filled with people who want to listen and support you—never forget that.

And so we wrap this up with a simple thought: Your voice matters, your heart matters, and you matter—through and through. Keep that knowledge close, and you’ll find your way to brighter days.

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