40+ Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Parents (+ Ways to Cope)

When you’re young, your parents are meant to be your rock. They’re the ones who you rely on to be supportive and unconditionally loving.

However, if the parents are emotionally unavailable, it can leave their children feeling unsupported, insecure, and alone. If this is your experience, it’s important to know that you’re not alone, and there is help available.

According to experts, here are possible signs of emotionally unavailable parents, as well as effective ways to cope:

When something positive happens in your life, they minimize, ignore, or make it about them

At least one or more of your friends have lived this. Believe them and don’t push them to be kind to family because it’s family.

The sad, unfortunate truth is that, sometimes, family are the ones that wound you the deepest, for the longest, and take no blame, shame, or responsibility for it or change.

Related: 20+ Signs of Toxic Family Relationships and What You Could Do About Them

Why should someone be exposed to this toxicity just because they share genetics or legal paperwork? In my opinion, you don’t. Emotionally unavailable parents can come in many sizes, shapes, and flavors. Humans aren’t born wanting to live a life void of feelings.

Quite the contrary, babies need more than food and a place to sleep. To thrive, little humans need gentle and kind touch, a responsive parent who comes when they cry, who says “I love you” without conditions, and someone emotionally available and mature.

The trauma they endured was too much for them; they shut off most or all emotions

When a parent is emotionally unavailable, there are reasons why.

Maybe their parents weren’t emotionally available, or the trauma they endured (every human experiences trauma to some degree, and how each person responds and copes is different) was too much for them, and they didn’t have someone to guide them through or talk about it.

I am not giving these parents an out. I’m merely saying there is a reason they are who they are. That being said, we all have the choice to either work through the trauma or avoid it.

One way people avoid dealing with the emotional turmoil trauma leaves in its wake is by shutting off most or all emotions. Another is by trying to make others feel as miserable as they do.

What to do when you have emotionally unavailable parents

They cannot be empathetic for your grief, sadness, loneliness, pain, and anger

First, we’ll look at some common signs of emotionally unavailable parents and how that may have affected you, and then we’ll discuss important elements required for change.

To stay in a relationship with your parents, you may put their needs first and become their caretakers, putting your own needs and desires aside and living your life for them.

You may decide you need to grow up quickly to get your independence from them

You may experience overt anger about what happened but even deeper grief for how you missed experiencing true connection and care.

How to begin healing from this early conditioning

Having emotionally unavailable parents is a type of developmental and complex trauma.

• Get professional support to address the loneliness and unintegrated anger, and grief

One key aspect of the healing journey is addressing the unintegrated anger and grief that may be lurking in your system. If not addressed, they are likely to fester and make you sick.

• Make space for your true feelings and authentic needs and expressions

Emotions and needs are essential to human beings, so making space for your authentic emotions and needs is crucial.

• Seek and create relationships where you’re actually feeling met emotionally

As you work through and process them, you’ll feel more confident in your own value and be able to cultivate healthier relationships with others where your needs and feelings are honored, valued, and held.

It’s also really important that you unwind old beliefs and shame about there being something wrong with you so you can feel confident and worthy of love and support. This is an identity shift, and it happens from the inside out.

I think getting professional support is the most effective approach for this. Otherwise, you’re likely to continue with unhealthy relationship patterns.

The safety and learning under the guidance and support of a mental health professional, especially someone trained in a somatic approach to developmental and complex trauma, can help you shift on a much deeper level than you are likely from other means.

They’re unable to take any responsibility for or apologize for their behavior

One of the most common signs of this is the parent’s inability to take any responsibility for or apologize for their behavior.

Set time limits and practice consistent self-care

When this is the case, it can be helpful to think about how much time and energy you want to put into this relationship and set up some clear boundaries with your parent, especially if they expect you to be there for them emotionally but can’t reciprocate.

Set time limits for how long and how often you can speak with them and practice consistent self-care.

They don’t see your need for empathy and validation; they are dismissive

Another sign of emotionally unavailable parents is that they can be quite dismissive.

You can certainly try to tell your parent that their comments aren’t helpful and that what you really need is their empathy and validation. But if they don’t have it within them to give, it might be time to find alternative sources of support.

They can become withdrawn or defensive

The realization that we have an emotionally unavailable parent can happen quite slowly.

Some may experience a sense of closeness with their parent, but in more of a friendly way, where the parent seems to enjoy their company and may even confide in their child.

But if the child needs their parent to be more emotionally supportive or if the parent has been hurtful toward the child, their friendly attitude may disappear, and they can become withdrawn or defensive.

Their dismissiveness and lack of accountability cause you to blame and shame yourself

Realizing you have an emotionally unavailable parent can also be a slow process because their dismissiveness and lack of accountability cause you to blame and shame yourself. You may even believe there’s something wrong with you.

A perpetual feeling of not being good enough (which can be part of depression, anxiety, or relationship problems) often brings adult children of emotionally unavailable parents in for therapy.

Related: How to Feel Good Enough

Regardless of your parent’s response, your emotional needs are important, and you are deserving of care and compassion — especially from yourself.

Reach out to a therapist with experience treating childhood emotional neglect

If this is a struggle for you (which is very common in people with emotionally unavailable parents), don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist with experience treating CEN (childhood emotional neglect) and someone who can help you with boundaries and self-compassion.

Emotional availability is, at its heart, feeling felt. Over the last 20 years, it has been particularly more researched and discussed.

Researchers have developed a more concrete understanding that emotional availability involves two individuals exchanging varying forms of communication, be it verbal or non-verbal, to express and understand more than just the thoughts shared in the conversation (Saunders et al., 2015).

A key part of emotional availability is empathy. Empathy is the ability to take on another individual’s perspective to better understand and value their experience as evidence of their discussion.

Placing value on one another’s experience is then permitted to influence how someone thinks, feels, and acts as a result of the interaction (Riess, 2017).

A better understanding of how researchers and therapists evaluate both emotional availability and empathy help us better understand what parent-caregiver child relationships look like when there are challenges with the lack thereof.

The consequence of emotional unavailability has impacts on children as they grow up and eventually become parents themselves.

Through the research and intervention of mental health within the construct of families and relationships, we can take a better look at the social psychology of the phenomenon of feeling lonely or misunderstood as children.

Your parent may struggle to provide emotional availability if:

They struggle to accept or react to your expression of emotions

When a parent is presented with their child’s emotion, be it a more positive or negative feeling, it is helpful for the child to receive some sort of reaction to the form of expression.

The idea here is that there is a mismatch between the child’s bid for attention and the parent’s attempt to respond to the initiation of conversation or interaction. One individual is excited, and the other appears depressed.

A parent’s ability to meet their kid where they are at with their emotions first and foremost demonstrates strong emotional availability. This may also play out in other scenarios.

While we can’t always be emotionally available all the time, it is important to note that a parent’s goal is to be emotionally available more often than not. The goal here isn’t perfection. Good enough is good enough!

When a parent regularly and consistently shuts down, avoids, dismisses, or shames a child for expressing their emotions, it typically represents the parent’s inability to handle the overwhelming actions that the child is putting out.

As a result, the parent retreats or intimidates the child into a more comfortable zone where the parent can cope, yet the child feels unseen and alone.

How to cope:

Let them know what you need from them to prime the conversation

When you are seeking to express yourself with your parent or caregiver, first let them know what you need from them. This helps set the expectation with your caregiver and primes the conversation for success.

They regularly have difficulty in providing empathy or understanding boundaries

When infants, toddlers, and young children grow up with caregivers who struggle to provide empathy, they learn to be self-sufficient as a survival technique.

When crying does not bring a mother to the crib to help soothe, what is the point in crying? The infant will learn to avoid social cues and, later throughout young childhood, not prioritize the social skills that grow empathy into emotional availability.

Related: Why are Social Skills Important?

These connections are not merely observations in the therapy room. Such findings about the impacts of neglect on development are supported by research performed at the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, as printed in their article in 2012.

The idea is that when a caregiver struggles in providing care for basic needs, it can lead to long-lasting impacts that can change the neural development of children well into their teen and adult years.

Science has proven time and time again that love, connection, warmth, and security are just as basic of a need as food itself (Bowlby, 1969).

Through scientific studies of families, we have discovered that children who do not receive empathy are more likely to develop an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style.

With these developments, we better understand how our relationships with our caregivers create the social templates of how we interact with others in the future (Ainsworth et al., 1967).

These varying attachment styles demonstrate behaviors of emotional unavailability as evidenced by children, and later adults exhibit difficulty in managing the fight or flight response that impacts their ability to successfully navigate conflict with themselves and others.

We can draw strong connections that children who received parenting lacking emotional availability have an increased chance of having challenges providing emotional availability to their own children.

When children are not exposed to something to learn and practice and, as a consequence, experienced failure, judgment, and rejection throughout childhood and adulthood. They are faced with significant barriers in learning how to understand their own wants and needs, let alone the needs of their own children better.

It takes all the effort of the individual to sustain themselves, and as a result, it can be challenging to extend emotional availability as it is not a practiced skill.

Emotional unavailability is rarely a character flaw. It reflects an individual who requires additional patience and support in both experiencing and providing a basic need.

How to cope:

Don’t rely on your parent’s relationship for that area of socio-emotional need

Creating boundaries with a parent about what discussions are good to discuss and what topics are off the table is a helpful way of avoiding disappointment, hurt, confusion, or anger.

It can be helpful to include the parent in this discussion of what boundaries they would like to have respected as well. The same could be said for topics your parent may wish to discuss with you if they are struggling with emotional availability.

Parents who struggle with emotional availability may struggle with seeing your perspective and overlook the boundaries you set for them to meet their own needs.

If it is still not respected, it is best to explain why you are ending the discussion. A parent’s ability to provide emotional availability is a two-way street.

They have a history of acting on their own wants and needs before yours

By doing this, the parent prioritizes the child’s wants and needs as it is age-appropriate for them to be the helper and the child to be the one who is supported.

When the child takes the role of the helper at a young age, it can lead to challenges later in the late teen and early adult years.

How to cope:

Children who grow up being the caretaker, problem solver, and crying shoulder of a parent frequently develop strong emotional intelligence as they are more likely to be exposed to intense emotion and unrealistic difficulties that are not age-appropriate for young kids.

As a result, they mature more quickly in some areas of development, while other areas become stunted.

Children of parents who struggle with emotional availability frequently develop a warped perspective on what is genuinely their fault or struggle in conflict resolution.

Have a friend or partner who can be a good sounding board

If this rings true to you, finding a friend and partner who is direct and honest is helpful. It may be even more beneficial to find a therapist.

Having a friend or partner who can be a good sounding board or a therapist to help you think out loud is a great way to get these thoughts running through your head out in a space where you can take a look at what fallacies are in your self-narrative.

Doing some good self-work helps you maintain objectivity and take the blame out of yourself

Doing some good self-work helps you maintain objectivity as you make sense of past experiences that cause you hurt, make you feel anxious or angry, or even impact your overall self-esteem.

It helps you take the blame out of yourself and see yourself differently so you can rebuild the way you think and feel.

In turn, you can then navigate your present relationship with your parent, who lacks emotional availability.

_{References:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M., Waters, E., and Wall, S.. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1, Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. The Science of Neglect: The Persistent Absence of Responsive Care Disrupts the Developing Brain, 2012.
Riess H. The Science of Empathy. J Patient Exp. 2017 Jun;4(2):74-77. doi: 10.1177/2374373517699267. Epub 2017 May 9. PMID: 28725865; PMCID: PMC5513638.
Saunders, Hannah & Kraus, Allison & Barone, Lavinia & Biringen, Zeynep. (2015). Emotional Availability: Theory, Research, and Intervention. Frontiers in Psychology. 6. 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069.}

Emotionally unavailable parents can hurt the trajectory of a child’s life. This often isn’t even purposeful. It’s just that the parents don’t have the time or emotional capacity to be there for their kids.

Maybe their own parents weren’t there for them, and they don’t know how to be good parents. They could be dealing with their own issues and trauma.

This may result in not being able to be there for anyone else, including their kids.

Signs of emotionally unavailable parents may include:

Consuming a lot of alcohol (or drugs)

Using substances to check out of reality does not solve anything. It is a way to escape from life’s problems and feel better at the moment. Some people use this as relaxation or recreational fun. But it always points to deeper issues.

If there are things parents aren’t willing to face themselves, how can they help their own kids face life’s problems?

Buying their kids’ happiness and favor

Many parents do this instead of spending quality time with their kids or asking them about their day. They buy expensive toys or gadgets, thinking this is enough.

It is enough to stave off the parents’ guilt. But not enough for the kids’ emotional and personal development. Kids need to feel loved more than anything.

Too much time in daycare or with a babysitter

The reason for this is almost always work. This is legitimate. But at least one parent should spend quality time with the kids daily.

Never going to kids’ activities

Everyone has the same 24 hours a day; we have to choose where we spend it. If a parent never shows up to extracurricular activities like sports, recitals, or concerts their kid participates in, it’s a huge letdown.

The kid may not say anything, but they notice that their friends’ parents showed up, but theirs didn’t.

If the parents don’t enroll them in extracurricular activities, this is even worse. It means they wouldn’t take time out of their schedule.

This leads to less car time together to drive their kids to the activities. It also lessens the chance the kids will develop natural talents they may possess.

Not talking about real issues with their kids

If kids don’t feel comfortable telling their parents about personal life problems, this isn’t a good sign. It probably means their parents never ask or encourage them to open up. The kids may even think their parents don’t care.

These kids usually turn to other people for support.

What to do as a concerned adult:

Encourage the parents to spend more quality time with their kids

If you see this, you can try to encourage the parents to spend more quality time with their kids. Just know they may have excuses.

If you’re an adult and able to be there for the kids, consider being a mentor for them.

But the parent may not even realize they are neglecting their kids.

If this is the case, give them examples in a non-threatening way if they seem interested. Point out any of the above things they may be engaging in, and say what they can do differently instead.

The parent may want to improve but not know how. If they want more targeted suggestions, improving themselves is the first step. Hiring a therapist or parenting or life coach may be a great option for them.

As soon as they heal themselves, they’ll be able to be more present for their own kids.

We, as therapists, see signs of emotionally unavailable parents in the parents/caregivers themselves, as well as in their children.

They act in a solution-driven mindset

Parents/caregivers I work with often act in a solution-driven mindset. They view their role in therapy as bringing their child to therapy to have them fixed rather than learning to support and love their child throughout their development.

They appear uneasy showing affection; they may struggle to balance criticism with praise

Emotionally available parents understand the benefit of not spending their time in their child’s session completely focused on what’s going wrong, even when a child has been having frequent behavior problems.

Children of emotionally unavailable parents will often look for validation from their therapist that they’re not receiving from a parent/caregiver.

They’ll also ask questions related to norms of parent-child relationships as they attempt to reconcile the actions of their parent or caregiver with what they observe of emotionally available parents to their friends, peers, relatives, etc.

Working with emotionally unavailable parents/caregivers can be difficult. This mindset was likely passed down to them and engrained by their parent/caregiver and likely the only way they know how to operate.

Help them find positive behaviors their child has had

It’s beneficial to help them find positive behaviors their child has had, even during the most challenging weeks. Let them know that actions like this are important for their child’s mental health.

Reassure that they can hold their child accountable while not being totally negative. Most importantly, praise emotional availability when you see it without going overboard.

The parent/caregiver is going outside of their comfort zone, so you want to recognize it without making things more uncomfortable by patronizing and seeming inauthentic.

There are various contributing factors and presentations of emotionally unavailable parents.

The end result may be the same for the child in these relationships may feel unloved, unworthy, lonely, and uncertain of who to trust in healthy adult relationships.

They may be immature or narcissistic

They may be inexperienced as parents

Children who didn’t experience their own affection and love in their household may feel anxious, uncertain, and out of practice with showing it as they become parents.

They may feel socially awkward or uncomfortable with any form of emotional expression, positive or negative.

Related: How to Not Be Socially Awkward?

They may work to be problem solvers to try to avoid unpleasant emotions and distract or reduce emotions as much as possible instead of being understanding, listening, and consoling; they may try to sweep feelings away.

They may be uncomfortable with giving and receiving compliments and thus have a hard time making their child feel special.

They may be anxious and rigid

They value work and achievements over emotional experience

Emotionally unavailable parents often perpetuate childhood emotional neglect. The impact of childhood emotional neglect can persist into adulthood and present itself in adult relationships.

If emotionally unavailable parents have not done the work and engaged in self–reflection, they will likely remain emotionally unavailable.

There are several ways to approach this as an adult.

Recognize that people cannot be changed without wanting to create change for themselves

First, it is crucial to recognize that other people cannot be changed without wanting to create change for themselves. Continuing to attempt to change emotionally unavailable parents usually results in more hurt and frustration.

Examine how childhood emotional neglect continues to show up

It is also important to examine how childhood emotional neglect continues to show up.

Although we cannot change others, we have the capacity to put the work in to transform ourselves and break intergenerational cycles of emotional unavailability.

They are absent physically

Parents who are not physically present do not have the opportunity to be emotionally available.

While these circumstances may not always be within a parent’s control, they can still have a negative impact on the parent-child bond.

Their children are more likely to experience anxiety and depression

Children of emotionally unavailable parents are more likely to experience anxiety and depression. They may also have difficulty forming positive emotional attachments and trusting others.

They don’t say, “I love you”

They may not express love or ask about their child’s feelings. Saying “I love you” is more than just three little words. It’s a way of showing your child that you care about them and that they are important to you.

Unfortunately, some parents withhold this phrase from their children, either because they don’t feel it themselves or because they want their children to earn their love.

Not saying “I love you” is a clear sign that a parent is emotionally unavailable. This can be extremely damaging to a child’s self-esteem and sense of worth. After all, if your own parent doesn’t love you, who will?

It sends the message that their feelings are unimportant and that their relationship with their child is based on conditions.

This can lead to a lifetime of insecurity and self-doubt.

They quickly dismiss feelings

Emotionally unavailable parents may also be dismissive of their child’s feelings or be unresponsive to their needs.

In other words, they may act like the child’s feelings and needs don’t matter.

This can be extremely confusing and hurtful for a child who is trying to figure out how to cope with difficult emotions without any guidance from their parents.

It can also lead to a feeling of isolation and shame, as the child begins to believe something is wrong with them.

All of these signs can cause the child to feel invisible and unimportant.

Ultimately, emotionally unavailable parents may struggle to form a strong emotional bond with their children. However, it is important to remember that every parent-child relationship is unique. Some parents who are emotionally unavailable may still be loving and supportive in other ways.

Try reaching out to them and sharing your feelings

If you suspect that your parents are emotionally unavailable, try reaching out to them and sharing your feelings. They may not be aware of how their behavior is affecting you.

Communicating openly and honestly is the key to any healthy parent-child relationship.

They have difficulty holding emotional bonds; they don’t engage in their child’s life

They have difficulty holding emotional bonds, as evidenced by not engaging in the child’s life.

Due to the lack of emotional support received from the parents, children of emotionally unavailable parents feel unimportant.

What to do if you have an emotionally unavailable parent:

Set healthy boundaries with the emotionally unavailable parent

If you have an emotionally unavailable parent, it is important to remember that you will not be able to change your parent’s behavior.

We can only control our own behavior; therefore, we must change by developing boundaries with the emotionally unavailable parent. Healthy boundaries will help protect yourself from getting hurt, and they will give you what you need.

Setting healthy boundaries will allow you not to take on your emotionally unavailable parent’s problems. It is important that you know when you need to remove yourself and recognize that you do not need to take on their problems.

From friends and acquaintances to coworkers to siblings or even our significant others, there are many times when we come across emotionally unavailable people. These individuals may seem standoffish or avoid confrontation.

What if the emotionally unavailable person is someone you need to be there? Someone like a parent that you want to rely on.

What are the signs of emotionally unavailable parents?

They aren’t there for you

If you are having a difficult time and are looking for a parent to lean on for support, but you can’t rely on them because they just aren’t there, it could be that they are emotionally unavailable. Not being there could be referring to their physical presence or their mental presence.

They can’t commit to plans

You have your first band concert, and you are incredibly proud because you got the first chair, so you make sure to tell your parents all about it.

Your mom and dad say they will go, but you find out that your dad can’t make it on the day of the performance. Occurrences like this may be due to emotional unavailability.

No “I love you” in return

As a child, you want to feel the love and adoration parents should unconditionally give you. But when you tell your parent, “I love you,” and they can’t say it in return, it might be because that parent is emotionally unavailable.

The above are just some of the many characteristics that emotionally unavailable parents might exhibit. If you find that your parents are this way, there are some things you can do.

Don’t blame yourself

Your parent being emotionally unavailable wasn’t caused by you or something you did. Never take the blame for their behavior.

Know that you are loved

Family is much more than flesh and blood. It’s the people you surround yourself with that support and love you, even when you are not at your best. This means that if a parent can’t show you the love you deserve, you can still find love from others.

Understand your feelings

Your feelings and emotions were probably highly affected due to how you were raised. Consider talking to a professional who can help you to realize what your upbringing did to you and how you can stop the cycle.

Having an emotionally unavailable parent is difficult, but you are not your parent. In time you can learn how to best handle having an emotionally unavailable parent so you can be your best self.

Failure to be respectful of other people’s boundaries

Your parents often operate or deal with situations from an egotistical standpoint when they are emotionally unavailable, so they feel entitled and selfish most of the time.

Practice healthy detachment from your parents

The best way to cope is to practice healthy detachment from your parents by being assertive of your own boundaries, so you avoid absorbing all their negative energy and keep your self-respect intact.

They don’t take ownership of shortcomings or problems in their relationships

This often stems from all your parents’ relationships, not just yours.

Any attempts to emotionally connect with others fail, and they will easily blame you or others and are incapable of being emotionally immature about it. Understandably, this may affect a child’s emotional ability to connect with others.

Seek friendships that fill up the emotional support you deserve

One of the ways to cope is to consider attending support groups or seeking friendships that fill up the emotional support you deserve.

Be open and transparent about what you’re feeling from your parents, so your friends understand where you’re coming from.

Your choices are not respected or valued by your parents

A typical excuse they will make is that parents know best or just want the best for their children. However, they don’t give their children space to grow and make mistakes by themselves.

This typically results in parents being ignorant of their children’s needs or considering them as a waste of time and attention.

Find healthy ways to express yourself especially your needs

One way to cope or avoid being negatively affected by this is to learn to express yourself, especially your needs. Find healthy ways to express yourself the way you couldn’t to your parents, like writing a diary or other painting/drawing.

You become aware of your own feelings this way, and you are able to healthily release pent-up emotions instead of dumping them on other people like friends or a partner.

They leave their children in the dark about their thoughts and feelings

Many signs can indicate that a parent is emotionally unavailable, but there is one sign in particular that seems to manifest in the children of those parents themselves.

Emotionally unavailable parents often leave their children in the dark about what they are feeling and thinking.

Their children learn to read the subtle signs that their parent’s mood is changing. The uncertainty and confusion caused by emotionally unavailable parents are distressing for kids.

However, kids are resilient, and they learn how to keep themselves emotionally (and sometimes physically) safe by detecting these little shifts that indicate a parent’s mood.

Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents are often empathetic

Adult children of emotionally unavailable parents are often extraordinarily empathetic. After all, they have had extensive training in picking up on signals about how others feel.

They have a unique ability to see the subtle signs that a friend is feeling down or that someone in a group setting is feeling uncomfortable. In some ways, it’s a superpower.

Empathy is great, but it can also be a burden. Adult children are often made anxious by the constant onslaught of emotional signals they are taking in and processing.

What to do with an emotionally unavailable parent

If you are an adult child of an emotionally unavailable parent, there are a few things you can do to break the cycle.

Stop; try not to expend your emotional energy

First, if you have been taking action based on the emotional signals you receive from a parent, stop.

For example, if you notice a parent seems annoyed during a family dinner, try not to expend your emotional energy trying to remedy that for your parent.

Make it clear that you need them to communicate their feelings to you explicitly

Instead, try talking to them after dinner in more explicit terms about what happened. You can say, “I noticed that you seemed upset during dinner. Was something wrong?”

Make it clear to your parent that you need them to communicate their feelings to you clearly and explicitly to act. Many people report that a weight has been lifted once they free themselves of the responsibility of reading their emotionally unavailable parent’s mind.

Unfortunately, many parents are emotionally unavailable to their children. This can be for a variety of reasons, ranging from trauma and abuse in their own childhoods to simply being overwhelmed by the demands of parenting.

Whatever the cause, it’s important to remember that you can still have a strong, meaningful relationship with your parent(s) even if they’re emotionally unavailable.

Here are some signs that your parent(s) may be emotionally unavailable to you:

They consistently cancel plans or break promises

If your parents regularly cancel plans with you or make promises they don’t follow through on, it’s a sign that they’re not prioritizing your relationship. This can be hurtful and leave you feeling unimportant and unloved.

They’re distant or critical

If your parents are always busy or distracted and don’t seem to be interested in hearing about your life, it’s a sign that they’re emotionally unavailable.

They may also be critical of you or regularly point out your flaws. This can make you feel like you’re never good enough and that your parent(s) don’t truly love you.

They’re emotionally abusive

If your parents regularly put you down, call you names, or make you feel bad about yourself, it’s a sign of emotional abuse. This kind of abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and leave you feeling worthless and alone.

If any of these sound familiar, it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault and that you can’t change them, but you can take steps to protect yourself and thrive despite their emotional unavailability.

Set limits on how much of yourself you’re willing to give physically and emotionally

First and foremost, it’s important to establish boundaries with your emotionally unavailable parents. This means setting limits on how much of yourself you’re willing to give physically and emotionally.

Distance yourself from them when necessary

It also means distancing yourself when necessary, whether that means spending time with friends or family instead or simply taking some time for yourself. It’s also important to build a support system of people who love and accept you for who you are.

These people can be anyone from close friends to extended family members. A supportive network will help you weather the tough times and feel loved even when your parent(s) are unavailable.

Reach out for support and take care of yourself

Finally, it’s crucial to focus on taking care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. This means eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and making time for activities that make you happy.

It also means seeking professional help if you’re struggling to cope with your parent(s) emotional unavailability. A therapist can provide support and guidance as you navigate this difficult situation.

If you’re struggling with an emotionally unavailable parent, know you’re not alone. Some resources and people can help you through this tough time. Reach out for support and take care of yourself. You deserve it.

The signs of emotionally unavailable parents can be difficult to identify, especially for children with no other reference point. But, it is possible to notice the signs and prevent them from affecting the child’s development.

They might be indifferent toward their child’s feelings and needs

The first sign is that they cannot show or express emotions in a healthy way. They might be cold or indifferent toward their child’s feelings and needs.

They are unable to acknowledge their own emotions; they cannot help their child through theirs

They are unable to acknowledge their own emotions, so they cannot help their child through theirs. They might also use anger to deal with stress or frustration instead of talking about it with their child.

They cannot empathize with their child

Another sign is that they are not able to empathize with their child. An example of this would be parents who are either unable to understand the situation or the parents tell the child that they made a mistake and things will return to normal soon.

Another example is when a parent blames their child for their misbehavior.

These signs are not definitive, and there are always exceptions to the rule, but they can help identify emotionally unavailable parents. This can help you understand your family and yourself better.

What to do:

Look back on your childhood and see if there are any patterns that stand out

The first step is to identify the problem. If you feel like you have emotionally unavailable parents, it can be helpful to look back on your childhood and see if there are any patterns that stand out.

Keep your reactions positive and supportive

Be as kind and understanding as possible when they are interacting with them. They might not understand why they behave the way they do, so it’s important to keep your reactions positive and supportive.

Seek out other adults who can provide emotional support

Seek out other adults who can provide emotional support. It is also important for the child to learn how to regulate their own emotions so that they don’t become dependent on their parents for emotional support.

Emotional availability can be an evasive thing to discern. With parents, particularly for adult children, I suggest you look at how your parental figure(s) have responded to their own childhood traumas.

Are they able to talk openly about difficulties of their past, past hurts, past abuse? Additionally, what is their ability to speak with awareness of their own emotional spaces of being?

They can’t speak with clarity and vulnerability about their own emotions

I have seen people move with anger, but the anger was a masking emotion to underlying hurt and fear.

When we are not able to speak with clarity and vulnerability about our own emotions, it leaves room to question our overall emotional availability.

They deflect when emotionally labor-filled conversations are had

Beyond responding to one’s own hurts, the second question to ask is how are they able to respond to yours?

Parents who either deflect or dismiss when emotionally labor-filled conversations are had are often moving from a place of discomfort and self-protection.

While I believe it is not wise to look to change our parents, I do believe it is worth being aware of their ways of being (including emotional availability) in an effort to see how it has informed and impacted our own.

Different children grow up in different conditions. They all grow up; the question is what and how many problems they have later.

Most of it can be worked out by working on yourself. The only question is how many adults work on themselves or still resent their parents without doing anything to forgive them and ultimately help themselves.

Some parents never have time for their children — either they are too busy or have excuses.

Related: 9 Great Books for Busy Parents

Many claim that they have to take care of finances and consider that part of being the only concern for children. Some others will prefer to buy and do everything materially for the child just so they don’t have to deal with him, physically or mentally.

They will outwardly show care for the child out of duty and obligation

An emotionally unavailable parent will outwardly show care for the child, and do everything they need for the child, but out of duty and obligation. It is easier for such a parent to do any activity for the child, provide or buy whatever they need, just not to get emotionally attached to the child.

Emotional attachment is not good because you will be separated from the child anyway, and he will leave sooner or later.

They may be emotionally wounded in childhood

These are people who were emotionally wounded in childhood. Either emotionally cold parents raised them, or they were repeatedly hurt. They decided to protect themselves by not showing their emotions to anyone.

They do everything from an emotional distance

With childlike naivety and pure love, it is not easy to remain emotionally unavailable.

They will turn their attention to something else

Such people will turn their attention to something else, to toys or promises, just so they don’t have to deal with the child’s emotions and how he feels now when he is in pain.

Talking about emotions is a sign of weakness for them

For them, talking about emotions is a sign of weakness, and they would rather criticize a person than praise and compliment them.

At the same time, they will not admit that they are emotionally unavailable because they are unaware of it but will claim that others are too emotional, dramatic, and demanding.

That is why sometimes, with them, you get the impression that something is wrong with you or that you are too emotionally open. In fact, everything is fine with you, and they need to work on themselves.

It is important to recognize in time that you are living with such a person so that they do not impose wrong beliefs on you that something is wrong with you.

They are verbally dexterous

Emotionally unavailable people are verbally very dexterous, while an emotional person will burst into tears when accused and blamed. That is why they will often feel guilty about an emotionally unavailable person as if something is wrong.

Everything is fine if one respects and accepts a person’s character without encroaching on someone else’s character, belittling and insulting any family member.

Frequently Asked Questions