What to Do After a Fight With Your Partner (17 Helpful Tips)

Tension in the air, a bit of silence on the couch, and you’re probably wondering, “What just happened?” Don’t worry; it happens to the best of us. But boy, does it sting when things calm down, and you’re left wishing you could rewind and take back what was said and done.

I’ve been in your shoes more times than I can count. It’s rough, but believe me, knowing what to do after a fight can really turn things around. And that’s what I’m here to talk about. I’ve gathered some tried-and-true tips that will get you two back on track.

I’ll also let you in on a little secret—some of these simple gestures say, “I’m sorry,” louder than words ever could. Curious yet? Let’s get started.

Give Each Other Some Space If Necessary

Ever had that feeling where you just want to scream into a pillow after a heated argument? Yep, I’ve been there. It’s a sign you might need a little breathing room, and that’s totally okay!

Giving each other some space can prevent the fight from escalating and give you the time to cool down, gather your thoughts, and make sure you’re in the right headspace to address it thoughtfully.

I mean, think about it; how often have you said something in the heat of the moment that you later regretted?

What this looks like: It could be as simple as going for a walk, heading to different rooms for a bit, or even just sitting silently together. Everyone cools down at their own pace, and acknowledging that is key.

"It can be difficult to think clearly when your emotions are heightened and reactive in the aftermath of a fight, so give yourself and your partner time and space to breathe, think and calm down. It can take time to process emotions and accept your partner’s perspective.

If, when you come back together, the argument picks up where it left off, take a longer break until both parties are open and ready to hear one another’s perspectives."

— Dr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych. | Clinical Psychologist | Author, “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas“

Think About What Really Upset You

While giving each other some space, it’s time to dig deep and figure out what actually upset you. Sometimes, the thing we’re arguing about isn’t the real issue. For example, was it that they forgot to take out the trash again, or is it that you’re feeling taken for granted?

This might sound obvious, but sometimes during a fight, we get caught up in the heat of the moment and lose sight of the real issue.

Here’s what to do:

Pinpoint the trigger: What was the tipping point of the argument? What triggered your response?
Look beyond the obvious: Is there a pattern that’s getting under your skin? Was it a word, an action, or perhaps a lack of something?
Seek the emotion beneath the reaction: Are you hurt, feeling ignored, or perhaps, overwhelmed?

Understanding the actual cause of your emotions can really help you address the actual issue rather than just the symptoms.

"While you are on that break from your partner, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Reflect on the situation. Process your thoughts and emotional triggers. Identify what you are feeling and experiencing. Notice what body sensations arise and the emotions tied to these sensations."

— Dr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych. | Clinical Psychologist | Author, “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas“

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Once you’ve figured out what really bugged you, now’s the time to talk it out with your partner. And I’m not talking about beating around the bush or dropping hints—I think we all know that doesn’t work out well.

Having an honest and open communication is crucial during this time. You both have to be clear, direct, and, above all, constructive. How you say something is usually as important as what you say.

Here are a few pointers to keep it productive:

Make sure both of you are really ready to talk things out.
Find a comfortable setting where you can talk without interruptions.
During the conversation, make sure you don’t sound like you’re accusing your partner. For instance, say, “I felt hurt when you dismissed my concerns,” instead of, “You always do this…”

If the temperature rises, take a pause. It’s okay to take breaks during a discussion.

Listen to Your Partner’s Side of the Story

While having the discussion, listen to your partner’s side of the story. Be honest, sometimes we get so caught up in our own narratives that we forget there are two sides to every story.

So, what do you do? Put yourself in their shoes and listen—really listen. I’m talking about that full-on, no-interruptions, no-thinking-about-your-comeback type of listening.

Also, resist the urge to correct them or defend yourself right away. You can ask questions later on to clarify if something doesn’t make sense, but always focus on understanding their side first. It shows respect and tells them their feelings matter.

"Rather than pretend to listen while you are thinking of the next thing you want to say, really listen to what your partner is saying. When you bring full awareness to another person, not only will you understand them better, you will notice nonverbal cues as well – if your partner is upset, nervous, or agitated.

And your partner will notice—and even if they don’t say so at the time—appreciate that you are giving them your full attention. When you bring your full awareness to a situation, you will sense if it is wise to take a break and allow yourself and your partner to cool down before continuing."

— Dr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych. | Clinical Psychologist | Author, “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas“

Acknowledge Each Other’s Feelings

Recognizing your partner’s feelings ties up with listening to their side of the story. It’s not just about agreeing; it’s about understanding where they’re coming from and truly validating your partner’s emotions even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them.

So in your conversation, try to validate their feelings by saying things like:

“I see why that upset you.”
“I hear you.”
“I understand that you felt hurt.”

Or if you want something more specific, say something like, “It sounds like you felt ignored when I didn’t ask for your opinion, am I right?“ This not only shows you’re paying attention but also that you care.

Remember though, during this time, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions; sometimes, people just need to be heard.

Use ‘I’ Statements to Express Feelings

Saying something like, “You make me so angry” actually puts a lot of pressure on your partner, which can make them feel defensive. A better option? Use ‘I’ statements.

This simple switch can make a world of difference in how your messages are received. This means swapping out those accusatory “you” statements for more personal “I” statements.

Instead of:	Say:
“You made me angry.”	“I felt angry when…”
“You never listen to me!”	“I feel ignored when I talk and it seems like you’re not listening.”
“You always ignore my texts.”	“I feel worried when I don’t hear back from you.”

See the difference? It’s less about blaming or accusing your partner and more about expressing your feelings, which makes it easier to discuss the issue calmly.

Also important to remember: Stay away from absolute words like “always” and “never” as these can escalate tensions. Stick to specifics instead.

"'I' statements make it about what happened for you in the argument rather than what you think your partner experienced in the argument.

If you use statements such as “I think,” “I feel," and “I believe,” it will help your partner to know that you are not blaming them or making assumptions about their experience in the argument; you are just giving your experience."

— Kierstyn Franklin, CMP and Tiffany Denny | Certified Life + Health Coach, The Relationship Recovery

Reflect on Both Your Behavior During the Fight

Fights are usually not a solo act. So after an argument, take some time to think about how you both acted during the fight. This means thinking about your own actions and words, too—not just how your partner acted towards you or how they made you feel. Did you raise your voice, interrupt, or maybe say something hurtful?

Here are some points to reflect on:

Your tone: Was it respectful or aggressive?
Your actions: Did you listen or were you just waiting to speak?
Your words: Were they constructive or hurtful?

Reflecting on your own behavior like this can be eye-opening. Maybe you realize you were more defensive than you thought, or perhaps you see that you were shutting down communication instead of opening it up.

Avoid Blaming and Finger-Pointing

This might be tough, but it’s crucial! When discussing a fight, focus on the issue, not the person. Blaming and finger-pointing can turn what could’ve been a productive discussion into just another fight.

So, instead of handing out blame, let’s do something more constructive:

Highlight behaviors, not the person. Say “When the dishes aren’t done, it piles up the chores, and it makes me feel overwhelmed,” not “You’re so lazy.”
Discuss the impact, not the intention. This ties back to the use of ‘I’ statements we talked about earlier. So rather than “You clearly don’t care,” try “When this happens, I feel uncared for.”
Focus on joint solutions: Discuss how both of you can contribute to avoiding the same issue.
Stay on topic: Don’t bring up past issues or unrelated grievances.
Keep your tone neutral: Try to keep your voice calm and avoid accusatory words.

This way, we focus on fixing the problem without making it personal. Because ultimately, the goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to solve the problem together.

"We can share our preferences without blaming or shaming our partners. For instance, instead of “In the future, I need you to stop yelling at me because you always yell when we get in a fight, and then I feel like I need to yell back,” try saying:

• “In the future, I would appreciate it if we did not yell during a heated discussion.”
• “When either of us is getting too heated in the conversation, I would appreciate it if we took a timeout to cool down and then come back and have the conversation when we are both calm.”

This is much less threatening and accusatory, which allows the other person to hear you better.

— Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC, CST | Professor and Course Creator | Licensed Professional Counselor, Courageous Living AZ

Say Sorry If You Know You Messed Up

Admitting when you’re wrong isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about acknowledging your actions and their impact on someone you care about. So if during your reflection, you realize you messed up, own it. It shows maturity and a willingness to make things right.

What this looks like: A genuine apology should be straightforward and sincere. Avoid excuses and just be honest. Say something like, “I’m really sorry for what I said. It was wrong, and I regret it.” Acknowledge the impact of your actions by adding, “…I realize I hurt you, and I’m truly sorry for that.”

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This not only shows that you own your mistake but also that you care about your partner’s feelings.

"In my experience working with couples, one of the hardest things for people to do is to apologize for their part without blaming the other person or telling them what their part is. When we come to our partner after an argument, it is important that we share what we did that was not okay and be clear in owning our part.

Instead of saying, “I am sorry for my part in the fight,” we need to say:
• “I am sorry for raising my voice, interrupting, and assuming that you…”
• “I apologize for not communicating with you that I would not be home in time for dinner.”

We do not say, “But you did…” When we blame or make someone else accountable for our behavior, we are not engaging in healthy behaviors.

— Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC, CST | Professor and Course Creator | Licensed Professional Counselor, Courageous Living AZ

Reassure Your Love and Commitment

After the storm has passed, it’s crucial to remind each other why you’re in this together. Your partner needs to feel that despite the arguments and fights, your love and commitment to each other are still strong.

Reassurance doesn’t have to be grand gestures; it’s often the little things that speak volumes about your love and commitment to each other. Here’s how you can do this:

Saying, “Fights happen, but they don’t change how much you mean to me.”
Maybe give them a hand squeeze or a tight hug, if your partner is okay with it. Actions can sometimes speak louder than words!
Send a thoughtful text or leave a handwritten note, and tell them how much they mean to you.

Let your partner know that this fight is just a bump in the road, not a wall between you.

Offer a Gesture of Kindness

Now, this is one of my personal favorite tip. It’s amazing how a small act of kindness can start to mend the gap that a fight might have created. You don’t have to go big or do something grand—it’s the thought that counts.

Here’s what to do: Think of something your partner will appreciate. Does a certain home-cooked meal always bring a smile to their face? Is there a chore that they dread which you could do for them instead?

The gesture should be meaningful, something that says “I care about you” in a way words can’t.

Rebuild Trust and Reconnect After a Fight

After a fight, take measures to rebuild trust and ensure both of you feel secure in the relationship again.

What this looks like: Be consistent in your actions and follow through on your promises. Whether it’s being on time for plans or keeping your word on small things, these acts go a long way!

Another great tip is to revisit and reintroduce some old habits that brought you two close together, like the morning coffee routine you both loved or those evening walks together. Little things matter!

Remember, rebuilding trust is a journey, not a sprint. It takes time, patience, and effort from both sides.

Plan a Small, Fun Activity Together

Nothing beats post-argument awkwardness like injecting a bit of fun back into the relationship. And it doesn’t have to be elaborate — think simple and sweet.

Here’s what to do:

Go for a casual stroll in the park and maybe grab an ice cream.
Watch a movie that you both love or one you’ve been wanting to see.
Cook a meal together. It can be therapeutic and you get to enjoy the meal afterwards!
Play a board game or a video game that you both enjoy.

The key is to have fun together and remember why you enjoy each other’s company.

Discuss Ways to Prevent Future Fights

Let’s face it, all couples fight, but not all couples take the time afterwards to talk about how to prevent future fights. Discussing this openly can actually prevent similar issues from occurring, or at least make the next fight less damaging.

How to make this work:

Talk about what usually triggers your arguments. Is it a specific action? Perhaps it’s miscommunication or unmet expectations? Is it stress from work or family matters?
Set some ground rules. Maybe agree not to raise voices or come up with a ‘time-out’ signal if things get too heated.
Decide on a ‘cool-off’ routine individually before coming back to talk things through.
Learn to listen actively and express yourselves without offending each other.
Agree on what constitutes ‘fair fighting’ and promise to stick to these rules.

Doing this shows a proactive approach to a healthier relationship. After all, a stitch in time saves nine—as they say.

Recognize Which Fights Are Worth Having

Not every disagreement needs to escalate into a full-blown fight, so make sure to pick your battles wisely. Ask yourself if the issue at hand is really worth the stress and emotional toll.

Some fights are necessary to clear the air and resolve deeper issues—those are typically the ones worth standing your ground on. Others? They’re often about the little things that, in the grand scheme, might not matter so much. Knowing the difference is key.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to figure it out:

Is this fight going to matter in a year’s time or even in a month?
Does this impact our core values or the foundation of our relationship?
Am I fighting to be right, or because something meaningful is at stake?

If the answer is no, maybe it’s not worth the energy. For example, if your partner left the toothpaste cap off again, it may be annoying, but maybe it’s not worth a heated argument.

On the other hand, if you feel consistently disrespected, unheard, or dismissed in the relationship, that’s something worth addressing. Or if the issues revolve around major decisions like finances or education for your kids, those things definitely need attention.

"You and your partner will have fights both big and small. Some of them will be worth having, and some won’t. 

If you two are in the habit of compromising and always giving in, you won’t be building a strong relationship. Instead, you’ll be creating a weak partnership that can’t survive the test of time. [...] The key, however, is to recognize which fights are worth having and which ones aren’t. "

— Dr. Ketan Parmar | Psychiatrist and Mental Health Expert, ClinicSpots

Know When to Give In and When to Fight for What You Believe In

Building on the idea of picking your battles, it’s also important to know when to stand firm and when to be flexible. This essentially ties up with recognizing which fights are worth having.

So how do you know when to stand firm and when to let it go? If the issue is about a non-negotiable value or belief or if it’s an important life decisions, it’s worth a discussion. But if it’s something that doesn’t affect your principles or the health of your relationship, sometimes showing flexibility is actually a strength.

Here’s a simple way to decide:

List your non-negotiables: What are the things you feel strongly about and cannot compromise on?
Assess the impact: Does the issue deeply affect your relationship, personal well-being, or future plans?
Consider your partner: How important is this issue to them? Can a compromise be reached without significant distress?

For example, if you’re arguing about how to spend a weekend, and it’s clear your partner needs a break more than you do, it might be wise to accommodate their needs this time around.

But if it’s a question of how to manage your household finances or serious commitments, that’s a conversation where you’ll need to find common ground without just caving in. The goal is to strike a balance between give and take.

"If you and your partner disagree on an important issue, it’s important to know when to give in and when to fight for what you believe in.

If it’s an important matter, don’t let it go just because your partner disagrees with you. But also, don’t be afraid to fight for what you believe in. At the same time, it’s important to recognize when your partner’s request is legitimate or when their opinion is valid.

If your partner makes a sincere request or has a legitimate complaint, you need to respect that. If you’re always the one who has to give in, you’ll start resenting your partner. Fight fair and be open to your partner’s side of the story."

— Dr. Ketan Parmar | Psychiatrist and Mental Health Expert, ClinicSpots

Seek Help From a Relationship Counselor If Needed

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you might hit a roadblock that you can’t resolve on your own. That’s okay! That’s when it might be time to bring in a neutral third party.

If you find yourselves arguing about the same issues repeatedly, or if either of you is feeling unheard and unsupported even after trying countless strategies you’ve read online or in books, it could be time to bring in a professional.

A counselor can provide strategies, tools, and perspectives that both of you may not have thought of on your own. Here’s what seeking help can provide:

A safe space to express your feelings without judgment.
An objective perspective on your relationship.
Guidance on communication and conflict resolution skills.
Support in identifying underlying issues that might be contributing to fights.

Think of it this way: Just like you’d visit a doctor for a persistent health issue, visiting a counselor for relationship health makes perfect sense.

Remember, seeking help from a relationship counselor doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. In fact, it shows a strong commitment to making things work.

<section data-block="SingleChoice"><h2>How important is physical intimacy in a relationship?</h2><ul><li>Absolutely essential; it's a top priority</li><li>Important, but not the most crucial aspect</li><li>Nice to have, but not a dealbreaker</li><li>Not very important; emotional connection matters more</li></ul></section>

More Insights from the Experts

“With my clients, I often use my Reflect, Response, and Repair approach.

Reflect: Reflect on the fight. What happened? What was going on before the fight? What was the fight about? Was there anything underneath the actual cause of the fight (i.e., long-standing hurt from previous situations? Was it a reoccurring theme in your fights? Old wounds from childhood, etc.?)

Response: Next, think about your response or reaction during the fight.

What might have contributed to your response to your partner? Was it a busy day at work? Hard day with the kids? Dealing with an aging parent? Was it a particular tone or comment that triggered you? What feelings came up during the fight? Try to think of all the contextual aspects of the fight.

Repair: This is where the couple comes back together to discuss what they uncovered during the Reflect and Response steps to decide how to repair the situation and do something differently next time a fight arises.

This is not easy and requires a lot of vulnerability between couples. Therefore, I always recommend that clients think about what core values are most important to them in their relationship, keep those values in mind, and perhaps verbalize them to their partner when repairing things.”

— Kristin M. Papa, LCSW, CHWC | Licensed Psychotherapist | Certified Health and Well-being Coach, Living Open-Hearted

“Once you’ve both calmed down, set a date to talk about the issue using respectful language and taking turns, like grown-ups. Don’t let the two-year-old that lives inside each of us take over when hurt or anger is triggered.

[…] The alternative is to learn new communication skills. We can read a relationship book or take one of the great online streaming courses in effective, respectful communication and anger management skills. It really is possible to talk about anything, even if we disagree, without fighting. We must be truthful about our “feelings” without attacking each other…”

— Nancy Landrum, MA | Author, “How to Stay Married & Love It“ | Creator, Millionaire Marriage Club

“Once you’re done cooling down and spending time alone, apologize. If you’re the first one to apologize, this shows strength, not weakness. Hopefully, your partner will do the same even if it was mainly one of your faults. If you are always the one apologizing, let your partner come to you first and apologize sometimes. And vice versa if your partner always apologizes first.

What to do if your partner never apologizes? This isn’t good if you have a partner who never admits any responsibility in a fight. It means they probably fully blame you.

If you think this could be the case, ask your partner gently why they don’t apologize. If they say, “I am always right,” this is a huge red flag. They are probably entitled and can’t admit mistakes. This probably means they are toxic. […] You may want to consider resolving, taking responsibility, or ending it if you don’t want to bear all the blame each time.

— Christy Piper | Coach and Speaker | Author, “Girl, You Deserve More“

“Words are great, but the real healing and accountability come when we share how we will change moving forward. It could look like: “I am sorry for raising my voice and interrupting. Moving forward, I will keep my voice calm and not interrupt. If I am struggling with those things, I will ask for a time out to calm down before we continue the conversation.”

It is not enough for us to say sorry. We need to back it up with actions.

— Jocelyn Hamsher, LPC, CST | Professor and Course Creator | Licensed Professional Counselor, Courageous Living AZ

“In attachment theory, romantic conflict is understood as a “relationship rupture” that needs repair and reconnection for both people to feel safe and loved again. Among the most important things you can do to repair the relationship are:

Take accountability and offer a genuine apology for your part in the fight.
Be clear and genuine about what you need from your partner to feel safe and loved again.
Focus on the behaviors or patterns you want to change going forward—don’t criticize the person.
Validate the relationship. Say why it’s important to you. This helps you and your partner remember the “bigger picture” and boost feelings of gratitude and security.
Commit to a small, actionable step each of you can take to rebuild trust, security, and support for each other going forward. These small actions show your partner that you’re committed to building healthier patterns together.

Note: If physical, verbal, or emotional abuse has occurred, seek help immediately. Set a firm boundary to ensure that you and others are safe.

— Dr. Jessica Stern, PhD | Psychologist and Researcher, University of Virginia

“It is difficult to come from a place of compassion and love immediately after a fight with your partner. Emotions tend to be high after an argument, so giving each other some time before discussing resolving the issue is important. Giving a timeframe on when you will come back together to talk is always a good idea.

During the break from your partner, it is a good time to reflect on what you were arguing about and take the time to really feel your feelings.”

— Kierstyn Franklin, CMP and Tiffany Denny | Certified Life + Health Coach, The Relationship Recovery

“Here are some tips to use after a fight with your partner:

Respect each other’s personal space. Allow your partner to take a break if needed.
Give time to process emotions. Allow your partner to feel what they are feeling in their own way.
Reconnect. Use this time to build upon the trust.
Talk about your expectations moving forward. Set healthy boundaries.
Take accountability and apologize. Own up for your actions and let your partner know you are working to put in the effort.

Remember that difference of opinion is not the problem. It’s how we communicate this to our partners. This is where we get stuck in the negative patterns of arguments due to becoming defensive and protecting ourselves. Think of your partner as your equal and project positive thoughts “as if” they have the best intentions for you so you can stay mindful of your reactions.”

— Dr. Jaclyn Gulotta, LMHC | Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Choosing Therapy

“Resolve your issues with them rather than developing maladaptive coping patterns. Fighting with our partner can lead to emotional wounds or psychological injury, depending on the intensity and context. From an attachment perspective, if this rupture in the bond between two people is not repaired, it could lead to a build-up of resentment, frustration, and anger.

Once both parties have had time to calm down and reflect on what happened, it is essential to process underlying feelings (whether lingering stress/tension, feeling betrayed, judged, invalidated, unheard, dismissed, etc.).

[…] From a solution-focused perspective, we can simply reflect on our behavior in the fight and take steps to work on ourselves, whether it means being:

A better communicator (not a better fighter)
Less reactive (learning not to shut down but understand other person’s perspective)
More emotionally attuned to our partner’s needs (EFT perspective)

Hope is that we can learn from our fight and become better people and partners rather than continue with the same pattern and feel stuck.

— Aditi Jasra | Registered Clinical Counsellor | Emotion Focused Therapy EFT Practitioner | Clinic Director, Wellness North Counselling

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my partner doesn’t want to talk after a fight?

It’s not uncommon for one partner to need more time before they’re ready to talk. If this happens, respect their need for space and communicate that you’re available when they feel ready. In the meantime, focus on your own well-being.

Is it normal to have frequent arguments in a relationship?

Every relationship is unique, and what’s “normal” can vary. However, frequent arguing can be a sign that underlying issues need addressing. It’s beneficial to identify these triggers and work on them together, perhaps with the help of a professional if needed.

How do I deal with feelings of resentment after a fight?

Resentment can linger if not addressed. To deal with these feelings, communicate openly with your partner about what’s bothering you. Working through the cause of resentment together is key to moving forward and healing.

What if we constantly argue about the same issues?

Repeating arguments usually means the underlying issue isn’t being fully addressed. It might help to dig deeper into why this issue keeps resurfacing and what can be done differently. Seeking advice from a relationship counselor can provide new insights and strategies.

Final Thoughts

So, there you have it, some tried-and-true tips for smoothing things over after a fight with your partner. Remember, it’s all about taking that first step toward understanding and kindness. And while it might not fix things instantly, it sure sets the stage for a heartfelt talk or that much-needed hug!

Just between us, my personal favorite is remembering why you fell for each from the beginning. After all, it’s the bumps along the way that make the journey worth it, don’t you think?

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