When to Let Go of a Long-Distance Relationship?

How do you know when it’s time to let go of a long-distance relationship? This is a question that many people struggle with.

According to experts, there are certain signs to look out for that might indicate it’s time to let go:

When it is no longer serving its purpose

You know it is time to let go of something in your life when it is no longer serving its purpose or was to serve in the beginning. This sounds simple until that something is a relationship, and that relationship involves two living breathing individuals with hopes, dreams, and feelings.

It is important to recognize that most people form a romantic relationship to meet their needs for companionship, love, intimacy, and a true sense of belonging. This is achievable when the relationship can be nurtured.

However, when the relationship is being nurtured from afar, the needs for companionship, true intimacy, and belonging tend to fall short. Unless one or both partners have money and private jets, seeing one another often enough to achieve or sustain these important elements will simply not happen.

At first, a long-distance relationship may seem exciting unless the relationship was a close distance that suddenly turns long distance due to a career move or some other life change. Sending your lover off to live across the country is not really that exciting.

But, like all new relationships, the new relationship gives a sense of (often false) hope; the possibilities seem endless. At first, you may make it work. You do the travel weekends, and then this begins to wear you down. You begin to argue over who is doing more. Inevitably, those late-night pillow talks on the phone become pillow fights.

A rule of thumb to follow is that if a couple spends more time talking about their relationship than having their relationship, they do not have a relationship. They want a relationship and the one they began with dewy-eyed hopefulness has lost its shine. So they are mourning the loss of the ideal.

When love has a chance to truly grow, it will thrive, and people will do what they must to make it work logistically if at all possible. For love to nurture, it must be present and available.

Related: 13 Tips on How to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

Think of a long-distance relationship like a newborn in a neonatal unit. That newborn is missing the essential bonding and attachment that is essential to the relationship with the parents. However, loving parents do what they can to give that newborn what it needs to feel loved.

Eventually, that baby comes home to the parents and, in most cases, can form those attachments through the normal bonding and attachment process that comes through touch, sound, sight, and smell. These sensory elements are essential to the attachment for all human beings.

When the rubber meets the road- literally – it is time for a couple to decide if this is working for them. For some, it does. For some, it is enough. Each individual must ask themselves to be honest in their assessment of whether this relationship is meeting their needs.

A word of reason here. It is probably not the wisest idea to move across the country or overseas to be with your “one true love” if the relationship did not originate in an environment where it was allowed to grow and thrive.

Think of this in these terms. An uprooted rose bush can be transplanted, fed, watered, and bathed in sunlight. It will thrive. However, cut roses can be placed in fresh water and it will be preserved for a brief period, then the color begins to fade, the petals fall to the table, dry up, and they go out in Monday’s trash.

Ultimately, the choice belongs to the individuals involved. The decision should be made with the head, not the metaphorical heart. Unless a person feels grounded, safe, secure, and confident in themselves, their partner, and the relationship, moving will not cause these things to happen.

Taking a chance on it to test the waters is a possibility but not highly probable for most. Life is about taking risks. Taking risks means being open to the possibility of loss.

Is there anything more exciting than a long-distance relationship? Let’s be honest, a steamy romance with a bit of geographical distance can be all-out perfection.

There is enough time and space to focus on the items one must do in order to run a successful life; there is no one there on a daily basis pulling our attention away from the day-to-day errands and necessities.

We can easily accomplish our morning routine, the gym, business commitments, and relationships with family and friends because we aren’t constantly working around someone else’s daily schedule.

Now, here comes the electrifying side of the coin. The reuniting is almost always absolute fire! The lead-up to those days where a long-distance couple actually spends physical time together are most often filled with an overwhelming amount of yearning and desire.

A longing to caress, kiss, make love and just be with one another. When there is true chemistry, the distance creates a microscope effect on the passion that is shared.

The finite amount of time the couple spends together is not taken for granted, and all the attention is on indulging in each other in every possible way. Whether a couple sees each other one time per month or one time in six months, there is no arguing the reunions are usually steamy and sizzling hot.

But what happens when we stop operating through the lens of fantasy? The reality is that long-distance relationships can be extra difficult for myriad reasons.

Picture this scenario, you have been planning a trip for over two months now, and during the last week, you have been talking on the phone multiple times per day out of sheer joy and excitement to see each other.

There is unbridled inspiration regarding the events you will attend, the restaurants you will frequent, and all the plans awaiting you. However, when you get there, almost immediately, it begins to feel like the cogs in the wheels are off track.

You are zigging and they are zagging, and you just aren’t sure what exactly has gone wrong. Although it unnerves you a bit, you pull yourself together and try to begin again. It doesn’t work, and it falls flat. By the time the visit is over, you can’t believe you were ever excited about this gathering, and vow never to return.

As the moment your intuition tells you to, walk away no matter who it is

I personally had a few of those steamy, long-distance romances, one of which is now my husband, and also a couple that fell quite flat. However, the long-distance relationship I had, which created the most cognitive dissonance, was the one I had with my own mother.

I left home at age 14 to attend a performing arts high school in Las Vegas, and from the time I left, I always had a dream that I would somehow “make it in the world” and return home into the loving arms of my parents to live out my days forevermore.

At almost 15, I would never admit it to myself, but I was shattered to be shipped off and away from my biological family.

It would take me over two decades to face that heartbreak, but one of the first signs I began to notice, which would offer me a clue into what was hurting me so badly, was the fact that my visits home were never, ever what I had made them out to be beforehand.

I always left feeling like I was a burden or that somehow I did something wrong, but I could never put my finger on it. Usually, my visits back home were full of watching my mother in gluttonous adoration for my brother, and simultaneously, without her muttering a word, I would catch the drift that I was more of a duty than anything.

In turn, this would push me to work harder and try to be more for her, and I often wondered if she would ever love me as much as she loved him.

At the age of 41, almost three decades after I initially left my parents’ home, I finally drew my boundaries and chose to love myself first. I did what I did to most of my previous long-distance romantic relationships – I listened to my intuition and walked away, knowing it wasn’t serving me.

To walk away from a covert narcissistic mother means I also lost my father and my brother, but I chose to stop the generational trauma in its tracks. As excruciating as it was, I can look my children in the eye and know that I am loving them and protecting them in all the ways they deserve.

The question of when to let go of a long-distance relationship can be simply answered as the moment your intuition tells you to, no matter who it is.

You sacrifice a lot to be with them

Long-distance relationships are difficult. They require a lot of time, effort, and understanding. It’s easy to be blinded and end up sacrificing what you want or need.

Sometimes it becomes clear early on, but other times it can take time to be sure whether or not your relationship is going anywhere. So what are the signs that it might be time to let go of your relationship and move on?

If you feel that you have to struggle with your partner, compromise your values, or sacrifice your happiness to be with them, then it’s time to let go. This is not healthy for you or the relationship. Your happiness is important, don’t settle for less.

Related: How to Know When to Break up

You are unhappy and overwhelmed in the relationship most (if not all) of the time

Long-distance relationships are never easy. It is hard to continue to feel connected to someone you can’t be with physically. But how do you know when it’s time to say goodbye?

When it’s no longer a healthy relationship and there’s nothing to gain from staying

You should consider ending a long-distance relationship when you notice or experience the following with your partner:

• There’s constant suspicion.
  • It’s not easy to become paranoid and wonder if your partner is seeing someone else in your absence. A little suspicion every now and then can be normal, as is the case with jealousy. But if you find yourselves getting consumed with your suspicions and if you actually have evidence that your partner may be unfaithful, it may be time to cut it loose.
  • This is no longer a healthy relationship and there’s nothing to gain from staying.
• Lack of communication.
  • Maybe you got to the point that you can go for several days without talking to your partner. Maybe you start feeling like chatting with them or video calling them has become a chore. And when you do end up talking, there’s actually nothing to talk about, or worse, there’s silence on the other line.
• Lack of effort.
  • Effort is everything in keeping a long-distance relationship alive. Both of you must go out of your way to make it worthwhile despite the distance.
  • If you suddenly notice that your partner is starting to slack off in terms of calling you and other things that keep your connection intact, it’s time to talk to each other and re-assess the relationship.
• There’s no future together.
  • Living long-distance is one thing, but if it gets to the point that there’s a dim chance of the two of you ever reuniting and sharing a life together, physically and in other aspects, you have to let it go.
• No romance left.
  • Too much distance and too much time apart can kill the romance between two people. Some can make it work, but some won’t be able to. There’s no point in continuing if you are no longer excited to talk to your partner or you actually feel nothing when you see them on video.

When you’re staying together to keep them happy

We never want to hurt our partner, and there are many times when we will put their needs in front of our own. Ending the relationship is never easy, but we manage to pick ourselves up and move on with time. The longer you don’t make the decision to let go, the more pain it will cause in the long run.

When you’re not all in

LDRs take a lot of strength and sacrifice to make them work. If you find you or your partner aren’t willing to make the same sacrifices as you once were, it shows that priorities are changing.

If you find yourself preferring or wanting to do other things than spend time with your partner (go out with friends etc.), your relationship may not be as high of a priority as before.

When an open relationship is on the table

In the situation where you have both been against it, but then it comes back as a topic of discussion. You or your partner may be trying to fill a need that the distance creates problems for, intimacy.

Communication dwindles

How you communicate will change over time as you get into a rhythm in regards to the ways you communicate and over what channels. As you become more comfortable with one another, this may mean the frequency of communication declines organically, but when you do communicate, it is more meaningful.

If you find those important conversations like planning visits and talking about the future (closing the distance) are pushed to the side, virtual date nights are continually canceled or communicating via text is infrequent and feels like a chore.

The relationship will suffer, as it creates many uncertainties around the future of the relationship. Where there are unknowns, there is no clarity, making it hard to move forward.

If you’re noticing these and other signs that make you feel like letting go of the relationship is the right thing to do, you need to stop and think. Before making any decisions, you need to talk to your partner about how these signs are impacting you.

There may be a good reason for what you’re noticing to be signs to break up, but there could also be explanations for them that you haven’t thought about.

You and your partner have to be completely honest with each other and have full transparency when it comes to these issues; otherwise, you’re putting further strain on an already complicated situation.

Having these open and honest conversations will lay the foundation for your next steps. You’ll have a better understanding of if you should end things or know that there are reasons for these signs, which you can make a plan to work through together.

Constant suspicion

You’re continuously suspicious of what your partner is up to while you’re not talking on the phone together. If you can’t get rid of your suspicions despite addressing them with your partner several times, or if you have evidence that your partner is being unfaithful, it’s definitely time to move on.

It’s reasonable to be suspicious in a long-distance relationship, but if it consumes you, the relationship is no longer good for you, or you need to examine your thoughts more closely.

You’re chasing them and you feel exhausted

Trying to reach them is starting to feel like calling a 1-800 number and speaking with a customer service representative. You keep dialing, hoping to get a simple hello on the other end. They don’t give you the time of day you deserve, and it takes ten rings for them to pick up the phone.

Even when traveling long distances, it shouldn’t be difficult to contact someone who strongly loves you. This is a warning sign that they aren’t as invested in the relationship as you are.

Related: 25+ Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Over

You’re falling behind in your personal goals trying to maintain the relationship

You scold yourself for becoming distracted and falling behind on your personal goals every time you get off the phone. Another gym day is missed, an application deadline is missing, and an important email goes unanswered.

They don’t respect your limits when you try to plan calls with them around your priorities. Don’t feel bad about pursuing your goals and striving to be the best version of yourself. If you and your partner can’t find a method to communicate without sacrificing your goals, it’s time to part ways.

Long-distance relationships can be successful if both partners work hard to make them work, but there are times when they are not, and you must know when to end a long-distance relationship.

There are a few indicators that it’s time to end a long-distance relationship, which is listed below:

Communication breakdown

Between the two of you, there is no communication. You might discover that you don’t have anything to say to your long-distance partner, or that calling or video chatting with them has become a hassle. You may also go several days without speaking with your partner, and when you eventually phone, there is silence on the other end of the line.

There are too many changes

You or your partner has changed in ways that have caused the two of you to become increasingly estranged. One or both partners may alter as a result of moving to a new city or being separated.

You and/or your relationship may no longer be compatible if you see that you and/or your partner have changed after you were separated. If considerable changes occur, it may be time to end the long-distance relationship.

There are no attempts made

The distance can make it tough to stay together in a relationship, therefore both parties must try to make things work. If you feel like your partner is no longer trying or prioritizing you, it’s time to end your long-distance relationship.

You are starting to feel bothered and insecure

It is something I am writing from my personal experience. I believe that long-distance relationships are affected by so many factors. Those factors are good as well as bad for the people involved in that relationship.

However, when a relationship starts to bother you, make you feel insecure about yourself and the second person, and create havoc in your life instead of peace, it’s time to let go of this long-distance relationship.

People know if their relationship is worth putting the effort in or not. Therefore, when you start to feel tired of the long-distance relationship or feel the second person clingy or ignorant in the relationship, it’s time to let go of it.

I understand that it’s really hard to manage a breakup and separation altogether. However, it’s harder to manage a disturbed long-distance relationship than anything else.

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