Relationships | Dating

Why Am I Attracted to Older Men? 18 Reasons You Should Know

By Leah Bayubay
Updated on

So, you’ve got a thing for older men? Is it their distinguished look, the way they carry themselves, or maybe something deeper that draws you in?

Attraction works in mysterious ways, and sometimes, we find ourselves drawn to people outside our usual age range. If you’re curious about your preference for older men, buckle up! We’re going on a journey to explore the reasons behind this attraction and what it could mean for you.

Get ready for some “aha” moments as we uncover the secrets behind your mature taste in men.

They Exude Confidence and Self-Assurance

Let’s face it, confidence is attractive! There’s something magnetic about someone who knows who they are and owns it.

Older men, having had more life experience, often exude a sense of self-assuredness that younger guys might still be developing. They’ve navigated through challenges, figured out their values, and learned to embrace their strengths and weaknesses. This inner confidence translates into how they carry themselves, how they treat others, and how they approach life – and it’s definitely a head-turner!

This isn’t to say that younger men can’t be confident or that all older men are brimming with self-assurance. But generally speaking, life experience tends to refine our sense of self, and that quiet confidence can be incredibly appealing.

"...Basically, an older man has no doubts about what he wants. And the best part is that he isn’t afraid to get it either.

- They have mastered the art of communication.
- They have reached amazing levels of self-awareness.
- They are not afraid to show their feelings.
- They are realistic.
- They have a lot more patience than average guys of your age."

— Amelia Prinn | Relationship Expert and Editor in Chief, Her Way

Older Men Are Generally More Mature and Stable

Here’s what emotional maturity and stability might look like in an older man:

  • He’s a good listener and communicator. He takes the time to understand your perspective and expresses himself clearly and respectfully.
  • He can handle disagreements calmly and rationally. He doesn’t resort to yelling, name-calling, or emotional outbursts.
  • He takes responsibility for his actions and owns his mistakes. He doesn’t shift blame or make excuses.
  • He’s dependable and reliable. You can count on him to follow through on his commitments.
  • He has a positive outlook on life. He focuses on solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Of course, not every older man embodies these qualities, but they’re definitely more common as we age and learn from our experiences.

They Have an Unshakeable Sense of Who They Are

Life has a way of shaping us into who we are. Through experiences, relationships, and self-discovery, older men have often solidified their values, beliefs, and priorities. They know what they stand for, what they want out of life, and what truly matters to them.

There’s a certain comfort in being with someone who is grounded and self-aware. It shows that they’re less likely to be easily influenced or swayed by external pressures. They’ve done the inner work to understand themselves.

"...Women aren’t looking for providers. They’re looking for equals. They want a man with an unshakeable sense of who they are so they don’t have to make themselves smaller to be more palatable.

A man with life experience is more likely to understand the complexities of identity and appreciate a woman’s emotional intelligence without feeling threatened by either."

— Christan Marashio | Certified Dating Coach and Behavior Specialist, Dateology Coach

Their Emotional Intelligence and Empathy Draws You In

Emotional intelligence—the ability to understand and manage emotions, both your own and those of others—is a quality that often deepens with age and experience.

Older men have had more time to navigate the complexities of relationships, learn from their mistakes, and develop a sense of empathy and compassion. They can pick up on subtle emotional cues, validate your feelings, and offer support when needed.

Example: An older man might notice if you’re feeling down, even if you haven’t explicitly said anything. He might gently ask how you’re doing or offer a listening ear without judgment. This level of emotional awareness can create a sense of safety and understanding in the relationship.

Now, who wouldn’t want a partner who “gets” them on an emotional level?

"Emotional intelligence and understanding of a woman that may come across as angry but is petrified can be a turn-on for women to feel understood and cared for. 

This goes for both men and women: understanding how you think and why you feel that way makes for a healthier long-term relationship."

— Megan Santiago |  Mental Health Counselor Intern | Founder, Holistic-Momma

They Have Clearer Life Goals and Direction

By the time they reach a certain age, most men have a clearer sense of who they are and what they want out of life. They’ve had time to explore different paths, figure out their priorities, and set meaningful goals for themselves.

This clarity of purpose can be very appealing, especially if you’re looking for a partner who is grounded and has a sense of direction.

Here are some signs an older man might have clear life goals and direction:

  • He has a stable career or is working towards specific professional goals. He’s not hopping from job to job or feeling lost in his professional life.
  • He has a clear vision for his future. He knows what he wants to achieve in the next few years, whether it’s related to his career, personal growth, or relationships.
  • He makes decisions with intention. He doesn’t just drift through life; he actively makes choices that align with his values and long-term goals.
  • He’s financially responsible. He manages his money wisely and has a plan for his financial future.
  • He takes care of his physical and mental health. He prioritizes his well-being and understands the importance of self-care.

You Appreciate the Reduced Drama and Emotional Baggage

Let’s be real, we’ve all encountered our fair share of drama in relationships. Whether it’s unnecessary jealousy, impulsive decisions, or emotional outbursts, it can be exhausting! Older men, with their greater life experience, have often learned to manage their emotions more effectively and navigate conflict in a healthier way.

Here’s the thing: While everyone carries some emotional baggage, younger guys might still be figuring out how to unpack and deal with it. Older men have generally had more time and experience to process their past, heal old wounds, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

They Don’t Play Games

Been there, done that with the dating games? Yeah, many of us have. The constant texting back-and-forth, the mixed signals, the wondering if he’s actually interested – it’s exhausting!

Older men, having had more experience in the dating world, often know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. They’re more upfront about their intentions and less likely to engage in mind games or manipulative tactics.

Here are some ways older men tend to be more direct in their approach to dating:

  • He initiates plans and follows through. If he wants to see you, he’ll ask you out directly and make concrete plans instead of leaving things vague or expecting you to do all the work.
  • He communicates clearly. He expresses his interest and intentions in a straightforward manner, without playing coy or sending mixed signals.
  • He’s honest about his feelings. He doesn’t shy away from expressing his emotions or letting you know where you stand.
  • He respects your time. He doesn’t leave you hanging or waiting for a response for days on end.
  • He’s upfront about his expectations for the relationship. He avoids leading you on or making promises he can’t keep.
"One thing that pushes you away from guys your age is their inconsistency. In most cases, they play mind games and send mixed signals… That is exactly why you go to older men. These men don’t have a problem putting a label on your relationship and have a clear vision of the future. They don’t play hard to get, and they see hot and cold games as a waste of time."

— Amelia Prinn | Relationship Expert and Editor in Chief, Her Way

You’re Looking for Intellectual Stimulation and Engaging Conversations

Remember those dates when you struggled to find something—anything!—to talk about? With older men, conversations tend to flow more easily. They’ve accumulated a wealth of knowledge and life experiences, giving them unique perspectives and insights to share.

Whether it’s discussing current events, debating philosophy, or simply sharing stories from their past, conversations with older men can be intellectually stimulating and enriching.

Plus, their ability to actively listen and engage in meaningful dialogue can make you feel heard and valued.

They Lack the Insecurities That Younger Men Possess

Insecurities are a natural part of being human, but they can definitely put a damper on relationships, especially when they manifest as jealousy, possessiveness, or the need for constant reassurance.

Older men, having had more time to work on themselves and build self-confidence, often exhibit fewer insecurities than their younger counterparts. This doesn’t mean they’re completely free of insecurities, but they’ve likely learned to manage them in healthy ways. They’re more comfortable in their own skin and less likely to project their insecurities onto their partners.

Here’s how this might play out:

  • He’s comfortable with your independence. He doesn’t feel threatened by your success or your friendships with other people. He encourages you to pursue your own interests and goals.
  • He trusts you. He doesn’t constantly question your whereabouts or who you’re with. He believes in your commitment to the relationship.
  • He’s secure in his masculinity. He doesn’t feel the need to prove himself or compete with other men. He’s confident in his own worth.
  • He doesn’t get jealous easily. He understands that you have a life outside of the relationship and that you’ll interact with other people.
  • He’s open and honest about his feelings. He doesn’t play mind games or try to manipulate you. He communicates his needs and concerns directly.

They Know How the World Works

Life experience is a valuable teacher, and older men have had more time to learn its lessons. They’ve seen economic ups and downs, political shifts, social changes, and technological advancements. This broader perspective gives them a deeper understanding of how the world operates.

This “been there, done that” attitude can be quite reassuring, especially if you’re looking for a partner who can offer guidance and support through life’s challenges. Plus, their experience can provide valuable insights and help you see things from a different angle.

An Older Man Knows How to Please a Woman

Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: physical intimacy.

With age often comes experience, and in this case, that experience can translate into a greater understanding of a woman’s body and her desires. Older men have likely learned what works and what doesn’t, and they’re more attuned to the subtle nuances of intimacy.

They’re also more likely to prioritize emotional connection and communication in the bedroom, making the experience more fulfilling for both partners. This isn’t to say that younger men can’t be attentive lovers, but experience does tend to refine one’s skills in this department.

"Many people will assume that younger guys are better in the bedroom. After all, they’re probably fit and have more physical strength. Little do they know that experience beats all of this... At the end of the day, you don’t want to be someone’s learning experience. You don’t want a guy who needs teaching—that is why you are attracted to men who know what they’re doing."

— Amelia Prinn | Relationship Expert and Editor in Chief, Her Way

You Like Their Sexual Experience

This point ties in closely with the previous one. Many women find the sexual experience and confidence that comes with an older man to be a major turn-on. They’ve had more time to explore their own sexuality, learn what they enjoy, and become comfortable in their own skin. This can lead to a more adventurous and fulfilling sex life.

Plus, their confidence in the bedroom can be contagious, making you feel more relaxed and empowered to explore your own desires. It’s a win-win situation!

An Older Man May Offer Financial Security

Let’s be honest, financial stability is important for most people. Older men, having had more time to establish their careers and build their wealth, are often in a more secure financial position than younger guys. This can be a significant factor for some women, especially those who value financial security and are looking for a partner who can provide a comfortable lifestyle.

This isn’t about being materialistic or gold-digging though; it’s about having peace of mind knowing that you can build a stable future together and not have to worry constantly about money.

"Being with an older man can give a woman a sense of security, as he is usually more established in his career and has achieved more financial stability than his younger counterparts. 

In this case, attraction comes from female hardwiring... It’s far easier for her to consider having children if the man has the financial means to take care of her and the kids."

— Michaela Bosquet Lambert | Transformational Love Coach, Your Second Soulmate

You’re Tired of Men Your Own Age

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of compatibility. You might find that you simply connect better with older men, whether it’s because of their maturity, life experiences, or shared interests.

You might appreciate their calmer demeanor, their ability to hold engaging conversations or their clear direction in life.

If you’ve found that dating men your own age hasn’t been fulfilling, it’s perfectly okay to explore relationships with older men. Don’t let societal expectations or age stereotypes hold you back from pursuing a connection that feels right for you.

You’re Looking to Get Married or Have Kids

For women who have marriage and family on their minds, dating an older man might feel like a more direct path to achieving those goals. Older men are more likely to be settled in their careers, financially stable, and ready to commit to a serious relationship. They might also have already experienced the single life and be ready to settle down and start a family.

However, it’s important to remember that not all older men are looking for marriage or children. It’s crucial to have open and honest conversations about your expectations and goals for the future to ensure that you’re both on the same page.

Here are some things to consider if you’re looking to get married or have kids with an older man:

  • His desire for a family. Does he want to get married or have children? Has he been married before? Does he already have children from a previous relationship?
  • His age and health. If you want to have biological children, it’s important to consider his age and overall health.
  • His lifestyle and values. Are his lifestyle and values compatible with your vision for family life?
  • His financial stability. Can he provide for a family?

You’re Looking for a Father Figure in the Men You’re Dating

Sometimes, attraction to older men can stem from a deeper psychological need for a father figure. This might be the case if you had a strained or absent relationship with your own father or if you’re seeking a sense of security and guidance that you feel was missing in your childhood.

While it’s understandable to seek these qualities in a partner, it’s important to be aware of this dynamic and ensure that you’re not projecting unresolved childhood issues onto your relationship.

"Whether your father was absent, jetted in and out of your life, or sadly passed away, daddy issues can come in any form. When you’re attracted to an older man, you may be (subconsciously or not) seeking to fulfill a void in your paternal life. It is very common to find that bond in an older man."

— Rori Sassoon | Relationship Expert | Co-Founder, Platinum Poire

It’s Because of Your Attachment Style

Ever notice how some people seem totally cool with getting close in relationships, while others are all, “Nope, independence is my middle name”? Well, that might have something to do with their attachment style. Basically, it means that the way we connect with our caregivers as babies influences how we form relationships as adults. 

If your caregivers were super responsive and emotionally attuned, you probably developed a secure attachment style. Lucky you! This means you’re comfortable with intimacy and independence, and you can build healthy, balanced relationships without too much drama.

But if your early experiences with caregivers were a bit rocky—aybe they were inconsistent, emotionally distant, or even neglectful—you might have developed an anxious or avoidant attachment style. This can affect your relationships in different ways:

  • Anxious attachment: You might worry about your partner’s feelings for you or fear abandonment. You might find yourself drawn to older men who seem stable and reliable, hoping they’ll provide the reassurance and security you crave.
  • Avoidant attachment: You might feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and prefer to keep your distance emotionally. You might be attracted to older men who respect your independence and don’t pressure you for constant intimacy.

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer! It’s also important to remember that attachment styles can change and evolve over time with self-awareness and effort. So, if you’re not thrilled with your current attachment style, don’t worry – you can totally work on developing a more secure one!

"Who we’re attracted to is often informed by our attachment style and relationship with our primary caregiver…. Sometimes we’re unconsciously drawn to older partners in an attempt to meet a need previously unmet by our primary caregiver. We repeat the pattern as a way to self-soothe."

— Christan Marashio | Certified Dating Coach and Behavior Specialist, Dateology Coach

More Insights from the Experts

“Older men have probably grown more secure in who they are and what they have become. They may have also done the self-work “to be” and “to do” and connect with others better. In the end, the knowledge that these insights are possible with older men can add to the attraction of experiencing them.”

— Kevin Thibodeaux | Dating and Relationship Coach, From Casual to Serious

“Sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Some women crave a man of experience, knowledge, and protection. They’ll feel that an older man has their best interests at heart—alongside being around the block and knowing how the world works.”

— Rori Sassoon | Relationship Expert | Co-Founder, Platinum Poire

“Finding older men attractive might seem odd to experience, but it is very typical. Most women feel a sense of security with older men as they believe they tend to be more accomplished… Another common reason is that women believe that older men usually lack the insecurities that younger men tend to possess and are more sure of themselves… Also, older men come off as easier to communicate with as women believe they have better communication skills… Plus, older men have more clarity in life which is an attractive trait for most women.”

— Sameera Sullivan | Relationship Expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the potential challenges of dating an older man?

Age-gap relationships can come with some challenges, such as differences in energy levels, lifestyle preferences, or long-term goals. It’s important to have open communication and address these potential issues early on.

How can I tell if an older man is genuinely interested in me or just looking for a fling?

Pay attention to his actions and how he treats you. Does he make an effort to get to know you on a deeper level? Does he include you in his life and introduce you to his friends and family? Does he respect your boundaries and values? These are all good indicators of genuine interest.

What if my family and friends disapprove of my relationship with an older man?

It’s natural for loved ones to have concerns, especially if there’s a significant age gap. Try to have an open and honest conversation with them about your feelings and why this relationship is important to you. Ultimately, though, the decision of who you date is up to you.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, your attraction to older men is totally your own thing. There’s no right or wrong answer here, and it’s definitely something to explore and embrace. Remember, the most important thing is to find someone who respects you, makes you happy, and shares your values – regardless of their age.

So, go out there and find the connection that makes your heart sing! Whether it’s with a silver fox or someone closer to your age, own your preferences and enjoy the journey.

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Leah Bayubay

Leah is a creative soul with a passion for telling stories that matter. As an editor and writer at UpJourney, she channels her natural curiosity and imagination into thought-provoking articles and inspiring content. She is also a registered nurse dedicated to helping others and making a positive impact.

In her free time, she indulges her artistic side as a hobbyist photographer, capturing the world's beauty one shot at a time. You can also find her in a poor-lit room playing her favorite video games or in a corner somewhere, reading and immersing herself in the rich worlds of fantasy and dark academia.

At home, Leah is surrounded by love and laughter, living peacefully with her partner and their three adorable shih tzus.