Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About My Ex? (33 Reasons)

Breakups are hard. You think you’ll move on, but your ex keeps popping up in your mind. Why does this happen, and why is it so hard to let go?

Believe me, I’ve been there, and so have many others—going through the same thing and wondering if we’ll ever move past it. It’s a mix of feelings and memories that keep us stuck.

Want to know why you can’t stop thinking about your ex and how to break free? I’ll share some reasons and what you can do about it.

Emotional Attachment

Emotional attachment to an ex can be powerful and hard to break. It’s built from spending time together and sharing meaningful experiences.

This bond doesn’t just disappear after a breakup. It often feels like your mind is stuck in a loop, replaying old memories.

What you can do: Focus on creating new memories and experiences that are not linked to your ex. This can help shift your thoughts away from the past.

Unresolved Feelings

Unresolved feelings after a breakup are common and can keep you thinking about your ex. These feelings come from things left unsaid or problems that were never fixed.

When there’s no closure, your mind tries to find answers. This mental loop can be exhausting and keep you stuck in the past.

Remember: Closure might not always come from the other person; sometimes, you have to create it yourself.

Investment in Emotional Growth

Investment in emotional growth is all about learning from your past relationship. It means taking the good and the bad and turning them into lessons for the future. It’s recognizing that pain and heartache can eventually make you stronger.

This sort of growth helps you to become a better partner in the future. It’s how you move from being stuck on your ex to building a better you.

What this looks like:

Trying new hobbies or activities.
Setting personal goals to improve your life.
Focusing on self-care and self-improvement.

"... When you've been through a separation, there's usually a lot of grief, hurt, and loss to resolve. And as you process those heavy feelings, you'll likely come across some empowering learning opportunities. Beneath the hurt, there's a pile of self-development gold."

— Jodie Milton | Relationship, Intimacy & Personal Empowerment Coach | Co-founder, Practical Intimacy

Fear of Future Relationships

After a breakup, the idea of starting a new relationship can be really scary. You may worry you’ll run into the same problems as before or that no one will measure up to your ex.

This fear can keep you from putting yourself out there again.

It can hold you up in the past because looking back feels safer than moving forward. Your concern about what might go wrong in a new romance keeps your thoughts hooked to your old one.

Example: You see a dating app on your friend’s phone and think about signing up. But then, you get that knot in your stomach and decide not to bother.

Loneliness

Feeling lonely is normal, especially after a breakup. This is when you realize how big a part your ex played in your life. The quiet moments feel the loudest because their absence is felt strongly.

Loneliness can sneak up on you, making you miss your ex more because they used to fill that space. It’s tempting to overlook the bad parts of the relationship when you’re feeling alone.

Loneliness might look like:

Missing having someone to talk to about your day.
Wishing you had someone to share special moments with as you did with your ex.
Sitting at home feeling like you should be doing something with someone.

Physical Chemistry

Physical chemistry with someone is like a spark that can light up a room. It’s that instant connection you feel with someone, the kind that makes your heart race.

This kind of bond is hard to forget, and it’s one of the reasons you might be thinking about your ex.

Your body remembers the good feelings and craves them, even if your mind knows it’s not the best idea. It’s tough when you miss the touch or presence of someone you’re used to being close to.

"Studies show that romantic partners stimulate our brain's production of dopamine, creating feelings of euphoria, and oxytocin which increases feelings of well-being and motivation. When these feelings cease following a breakup, we experience cravings for our ex-partner that mimic the feeling of drug withdrawals."

— Dr. Mary Gay, PsyD, LPC, CPCS | Evening Program Director, The Summit Wellness Group

Positive Memories

The good times you had with your ex can be strong and vivid, making them a large part of your thought process. Positive memories are the moments of the relationship you think about often, and they can bring a feeling of comfort.

Remembering the positives can overshadow the reasons why the relationship ended. These happy recollections keep your ex on your mind because they relate to times when you felt joy and connection.

Remember: It’s fine to keep the good memories, but remember to acknowledge the hard times, too. The relationship ended for a reason, and it’s important to recall both the ups and downs.

"It's easy to reflect only on the positive stuff from the relationship or the person because it provides an easy solution to the problem. We minimize the negative stuff and intensify the positive stuff because then the choice is clear."

— Jocelyn Patterson, LMHC, ATR | Licensed Mental Health Counselor | Registered Art Therapist

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is the warm, fuzzy emotion that arises when you remember the past, usually seeing it in a slightly better light than it perhaps was. It’s a comforting feeling, but it can lead you to cling to the past.

Nostalgia can keep you hooked on what was rather than what your future could be. It’s tricky because it masks the bad parts and highlights the good ones.

Example: You may find yourself listening to songs that remind you of your ex, feeling a pang of longing. It’s a pull towards “the good old days” that seems irresistible.

Habitual Memories

Habitual memories are the thoughts of your ex that come automatically and are triggered by everyday life. They’re tied to:

The daily routines
Frequent hangouts
The typical ways you used to spend time together

These memories can make it challenging to stop thinking about your ex because you were used to their constant presence. It’s your heart and mind remembering the presence of someone who used to be a significant part of your life.

For instance, you’re making your morning coffee and reach for two cups instead of one, and then you remember you’re now making coffee just for yourself. It’s a brief moment that takes you by surprise.

Loss of Identity

A relationship can shape a big part of who you are. After a breakup, you might feel lost or unsure about your identity without your ex.

This loss of identity can make you cling to thoughts of them, trying to remember who you were together. It’s hard because you invested so much of yourself in the relationship. Rebuilding your sense of self can be a challenge.

Remember: You were someone before the relationship, and you are still someone after it’s over. It’s a chance to grow and get to know yourself better. Embrace this time to learn more about what you enjoy and what matters to you.

Comfort Zone Disruption

Breaking up shakes up your comfort zone. Losing your ex’s consistent presence feels like losing stability. This disruption can make it hard to stop thinking about them because everything feels different and uncertain.

Your daily routines and habits change, leaving you to adjust. It’s normal to seek comfort in familiar memories.

What you can do: Push yourself to establish new routines that feel right for you now. Join groups or clubs to meet new people and form new supportive relationships.

Social Media Reminders

Social media can be a constant reminder of your ex. Seeing their posts, photos, or even mutual friends’ updates can trigger thoughts and emotions. This online presence keeps the past relationship fresh in your mind.

It’s hard to move on when you are frequently reminded of them in your feed. These digital memories can make letting go a struggle.

Consider this: Take a break from social media or adjust your settings to avoid unwanted reminders. You can “mute” or “unfollow” without having to block or unfriend.

"Social media can be especially triggering for many of us. As such, it is perfectly acceptable to unfollow our ex-partner in order to protect our mental health."

— Dr. Mary Gay, PsyD, LPC, CPCS | Evening Program Director, The Summit Wellness Group

Guilt or Regret

Guilt or regret after a breakup can make you replay conversations and decisions in your head. You might blame yourself for the things that went wrong or feel bad about what you said or did.

Guilt makes you wish you could go back and change things, and regret can have you questioning your choices. They are powerful emotions that can keep your ex in your thoughts, even when you’re trying to move forward.

Example: You might often think, “If only I had been more patient, maybe we would still be together.”

"... You may be preoccupied with what your ex is doing because you are checking to see if their life is doing better or worse without you. Your anxiety is looking to have control over knowing if you or the ex made the 'right choice' by ending the relationship."

— Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC | Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Clarity Through Counseling

Desire for Reconciliation

Sometimes after a breakup, there’s this tiny voice wishing for a do-over with your ex. This desire for reconciliation can be strong, especially if:

The breakup was sudden.
You felt the relationship had unresolved potential.

It’s this lingering hope that maybe, just maybe, things could work out again. This can lead to a lot of ‘what if’ scenarios playing over and over in your head, keeping the idea of your ex alive.

Fantasy of What Could Have Been

It’s common to imagine how things might have turned out if your relationship had gone differently. This fantasy of what could have been is like a story you make up in your head where everything works out perfectly.

Dwelling on these fictional scenarios can keep you stuck because you’re focused on a reality that doesn’t exist. These fantasies can make it difficult to accept the present and prevent you from noticing new opportunities.

Remember: Fantasizing about the past will not change it. Living in the present helps you appreciate what you have and build a reality-based future.

"Our brains do some pretty crazy things in order to protect us, sometimes even providing an illusion or alternate reality for us to live in."

— Jocelyn Patterson, LMHC, ATR | Licensed Mental Health Counselor | Registered Art Therapist

Attachment to Familiarity

Attachment to familiarity means you’re used to the way things were with your ex. You miss the routines, conversations, and experiences you had together because they were comfortable. It’s tough when every change reminds you that your ex is no longer around.

For instance, you miss the Saturday morning coffee runs you used to do together; now, the weekends feel incomplete. Or, you find yourself still following the same routine even though it doesn’t quite fit your single life anymore.

Romantic Ideals

Romantic ideals are the ‘perfect’ relationship scenarios you’ve created in your mind. They’re influenced by movies, books, and sometimes societal expectations.

When your real-life relationship doesn’t match these ideals, it can leave you longing for ‘more’ or thinking about ‘the one that got away.’ This can skew your thinking and lead you to dwell on your ex, wondering if they could have been your ideal partner.

Example: You might find yourself thinking that no one else will ever match up to your ex because you’ve idealized them so much.

Betrayal and Trust Issues

Betrayal in a relationship can hurt deeply and cause lasting trust issues. When someone you love breaks that trust, it’s hard to shake off the feeling of being let down.

These feelings can keep you thinking about your ex because you’re trying to make sense of what happened. You might be cautious about new relationships because you don’t want to feel that pain again.

What you can do: Recognize that your ex’s actions don’t define everyone else’s. Work on rebuilding trust gradually by sharing small things and seeing how others respect your trust.

Comparison with New Partners

After a breakup, when you start to meet or date new people, it’s natural to compare them to your ex. You may find yourself measuring up every new person against the standards set by your previous relationship.

This comparison can keep your ex in your thoughts, making it tough to appreciate who’s in front of you now. It’s a way of keeping your ex as a benchmark even when you’re trying to move forward.

Example: You might go on a date and find yourself thinking, “My ex would never have done that,” which distracts you from enjoying the present moment.

Sudden Breakup

A sudden breakup can shock your system. One day, everything seems fine, and then suddenly, you’re single. The abrupt end to a relationship can leave you with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions.

It’s tough when you don’t have time to prepare mentally for being apart, which can make you replay the final moments over and over in your head. This absence of closure due to the sudden breakup can keep your ex lingering in your thoughts.

A few things to consider:

Sudden endings are tough, but you don’t need all the answers to start healing.
It’s okay to grieve the sudden loss but also look ahead to the future.
Take the time you need, but challenge yourself to take steps forward when you’re ready.

"Research has shown that we tend to become more fixated on tasks that we have not completed than those that we have. In such cases, taking an acceptance-based approach or mindset may be a wiser choice."

— Dr. Deming (Adam) Wang, PhD | Research Academic | Personality Psychology and Biological Psychology Teacher, Singapore Campus of James Cook University

Emotional Trauma

Emotional trauma from a previous relationship can leave deep scars that aren’t always visible on the surface. It can come from hurtful experiences, betrayal, or intense arguments that leave a lasting mark.

This kind of trauma can make it really hard to stop thinking about your ex, as the painful memories are powerful and present.

What you can do: Talk to a professional who can help you process the trauma. Develop strategies for managing your emotions and reactions.

"The time we spend thinking of our ex-partner after a breakup can be attributed to the way our brain processes loss and rejection. Traumatic events like unwanted or unexpected breakups cause intense psychological distress that can lead to physiological discomfort."

— Dr. Mary Gay, PsyD, LPC, CPCS | Evening Program Director, The Summit Wellness Group

Lingering Questions

After a breakup, there are often questions left hanging, like loose threads you can’t help but pull at. You may wonder:

What you could have done differently.
What your ex really thought about things.

You keep thinking about your ex because you’re looking for clarity and closure from these unanswered questions. Not knowing can feel like an obstacle to healing and moving forward.

Reliving the Good Times

Thinking back on the happy moments you shared with your ex can be a sweet escape from reality. However, reliving these good times can also make it harder to move on. You might find yourself smiling at a memory, then feeling sad that it’s in the past.

These warm recollections of the fun, laughter, and connection are so inviting that your mind keeps returning to them. The good times you had with your ex can hold a powerful attraction, especially when the present feels less certain.

Example: You might find yourself looking at old photos and reminiscing about vacations and special occasions.

Personal Insecurity

Personal insecurity can creep up after a breakup and make you question your worth. You might start to wonder if:

You were somehow not enough.
Someone else could have made the relationship work.

These insecurities can latch onto your thoughts about your ex as you search for the validation that you once received from the relationship. The fear of not being accepted or loved by someone new can also leave you dwelling on the past.

For instance, you see your ex out with someone new, and you immediately start thinking about what they have that you don’t.

Routine Activities

Routine activities can feel different after a breakup. You’re used to doing things together, but now you do them alone, and it might feel odd.

It can be difficult to break away from the comfort and habit of these routines, and it’s natural to miss these shared activities.

What you can do: Start new routines or change how you do things to create fresh associations. Involve friends or family in activities you used to do with your ex.

Emotional Comfort

After a breakup, the loss of emotional comfort that your ex provided can be striking. You might miss the way they offered support or the simple security of knowing someone was there.

Your ex was likely a big source of warmth and reassurance when times were tough, and without them, you could feel exposed. Seeking this comfort can keep you tethered to memories of your ex.

Example: You had a rough day, and on these days, your ex would have known exactly how to cheer you up. Now, you’re left wishing for that comfort and understanding.

"Up until this point, your partner was probably someone you would turn to when feeling sad, vulnerable, rejected, or lonely, and they would typically be the ones to remedy these feelings for you."

— Jocelyn Patterson, LMHC, ATR | Licensed Mental Health Counselor | Registered Art Therapist

Seeking Validation

You might find yourself recalling moments when your ex made you feel good about yourself.

If you’re questioning your worth post-breakup, you could be holding onto the idea of your ex because they used to affirm your value. This can lead to a loop where you’re looking for their approval or a sign that splitting up was a mistake.

What it looks like:

Wondering if anyone else will ever appreciate you like your ex did.
Posting on social media in hopes your ex will see it and react.
Rereading old messages or compliments from your ex when you feel down.

"When we prioritize our partners, especially more than ourselves, our self-worth is now based on them. This external source of self-worth makes us feel loved and cared for, but when the relationship ends, it makes our self-worth crashing down, and it becomes harder to build ourselves up afterward."

— Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC | Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Clarity Through Counseling

Family Connections

Family connections can keep you thinking about your ex, especially if they were close to your family.

Shared holidays, family events, and gatherings can be tricky because everyone got used to having them around. This connection makes it hard to move on because your family might also feel the loss.

What you can do: Have an open discussion with your family about your feelings and boundaries. Encourage them to support you in moving forward by minimizing talk about your ex.

Frequent Reminders

Frequent reminders of your ex can come from all sorts of places — music, places, even smells.

They can act like unexpected jolts back into your past relationship, catching you off guard. These small but potent reminders might make you feel like you’re surrounded by ghosts of the relationship that keep your ex in your mind.

Example: You’re out for a coffee, and the café plays the playlist you and your ex loved. Suddenly, you’re not just sipping latte; you’re sipping latte with a side of memories.

"... Preoccupations are often exacerbated by cues in the environment that can serve as reminders of the very thought we are trying to avoid... These items may be mentally so strongly associated with the thought of our ex such that we feel that 'Everywhere I look, I see him/her.'"

— Dr. Deming (Adam) Wang, PhD | Research Academic | Personality Psychology and Biological Psychology Teacher, Singapore Campus of James Cook University

Love Languages

Love languages are the ways you express and receive love, and they can be deeply ingrained. You got used to their specific way of showing love, whether through:

Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

If your ex spoke your love language perfectly, the absence can leave a big void. It’s natural to think back on how your ex made you feel appreciated and loved.

Shared Future Plans

Making plans for the future with your ex can make a breakup feel like you’ve lost more than just a partner — you’ve lost a shared dream.

Whether it was vacation ideas, living arrangements, or life milestones, these plans can linger in your mind. It’s tough when you’re left with blueprints for a future that won’t be built, and it’s understandable to dwell on the “what could have been.”

Example: You might avoid attending weddings because they remind you too much of the plans you had made for your own. Or, seeing a family with children might stir feelings of the family life you had envisioned with your ex.

Difficulty Moving On

This is a common hurdle after a relationship ends. It’s like every step forward takes more effort than it should. You might find yourself stalled, lingering on your ex, even as you logically know that you need to heal and proceed with your life.

This struggle can be due to lingering feelings, fear of the unknown, or simply the comfort that reminiscing brings. It’s normal to face challenges when trying to leave a significant piece of your history behind.

Example: You plan to organize and declutter, hoping it will help you move on. But when it comes to throwing out the things that remind you of your ex, you hesitate and keep putting it off.

Comfort in the Known

Comfort in the known can keep you thinking about your ex because it’s familiar and predictable. Your ex was a significant part of your life, providing routine and consistency.

Losing that stability can be unsettling, making you long for the comfort they provided. It’s easier to dwell on what’s known than to face the uncertainty of the unknown. This familiar comfort can make moving on feel daunting.

Remember: The unknown can be a place of growth and discovery. It’s okay to look back fondly but don’t let the past keep you from enjoying the present. The more you expose yourself to new experiences, the more comfortable they will become.

Excerpts From the Experts

“The process of working yourself through a breakup is much like losing someone; there is a grieving process. During this time, you’re going to think about your ex a lot.

The best advice is to allow yourself to have all the feelings, and believe me, you will live through this… Grief is a normal part of the process. With grief come the following stages, which may vary in order:

Denial: It may feel so difficult that the relationship is over.
Anger: Why couldn’t this have worked out? If only he/she/they were different, it would have worked out.
Bargaining: You miss your ex. Why can’t you just be together?
Depression: This is when you might have difficulty finding joy in things you had before.
Acceptance: I know it feels like you won’t ever stop thinking about your ex, but you will.”

— Drew Rabidoux, LCSW | Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Licensed Psychotherapist, Counseling with Drew

“When trying to stop thinking about an ex, individuals often engage in thought suppression. Unfortunately, research has shown that thought suppression is often futile and can often make people ironically more preoccupied with the thought.

Although, in my latest research on thought suppression, I show that this ironic effect is contingent on cognitive load or some form of mental burden, the reality is that in life, we are always under ‘some form of burden.’

The omnipresent nature of mental burden means that thought suppression is simply not an ideal strategy to use when trying to forget an ex because of its futility in the short term and the possibility of rebound effects in the long run.”

— Dr. Deming (Adam) Wang, PhD | Research Academic | Personality Psychology and Biological Psychology Teacher, Singapore Campus of James Cook University

“If you are thinking about your ex a month, year, or even five years later, you may still be grieving the relationship and its ending.

Relationships make us feel excited and accepted by someone. When they end, it makes us question the relationship, our part in the relationship, and what might have ‘gone wrong.’

Sometimes nothing ‘went wrong,’ and this can make it especially hard to grieve because there is nothing to blame it on. Take the time to look at old photos, remember memories, and do not forget to grieve, cry, miss them, and be angry.

This is all a part of a healthy grieving process. If you just move on to the next person without grieving, you could be staving off intense emotions that will inevitably build up over time. Remember that you cannot outrun grief.”

— Emily Griffin, MA, LCPC, LPC | Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Clarity Through Counseling

Frequently Asked Questions

How long will it take before I stop thinking about my ex?

There’s no set time frame; it’s different for everyone. Some people might move on quickly, while others take more time. Be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.

Why do I still think about my ex even though I’m the one who ended things?

Ending a relationship doesn’t automatically shut off your feelings. It’s likely you still care about your ex, and it’s normal to wonder about the decision you made. Give yourself time to adjust to the change.

Is it okay to stay friends with an ex?

Staying friends with an ex can be tricky and depends on both of you. Make sure you both have healed, and there are no lingering romantic feelings. Sometimes, it’s better to take a break before deciding to be friends.

What should I do if I want to get back together with my ex?

Think about why you want to get back together and if it’s for the right reasons. Communicate honestly with your ex about your feelings. Sometimes, taking time apart can give you clarity on whether getting back together is the best choice.

Should I avoid places and things that remind me of my ex?

Yes, it can help to avoid places and things that remind you of your ex. Create new memories and experiences in different locations. This helps you build a new normal.

My ex has moved on, but I haven’t. Is this okay?

Yes, it is. Everyone moves on at their own pace. Focus on your own journey and the steps you’re taking to heal and find happiness again.

Final Thoughts

Thinking about your ex is normal, especially after a breakup. Give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Remember, healing doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay.

If you’re finding it really tough to move on, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist if you need to. Sometimes, an outside perspective can make all the difference.

You’re stronger than you think, and you’ll get through this!