Why Do I Need Constant Reassurance in a Relationship? (35 Reasons + Expert Insights)

Sometimes, you can’t help but ask your partner if they’re really okay with your relationship, even if you feel things are going well. You’re looking for that “Yes, all is good,” but the comfort it brings doesn’t always stick around.

It’s totally fine to want to hear that your partner is happy, too. But if you’re finding yourself needing their reassurance over and over, it could mean you’re not feeling very confident on the inside.

Hang in there—I’m here to help you figure this out. We’re going to get to the bottom of why you might be looking for extra reassurance.

Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes, in a relationship, you might not feel great about yourself. It could be like you’re always wondering if you’re good enough for your partner. This can make you ask them again and again if everything is okay between you two.

It can become exhausting for both you and your partner. But the truth is, you’re worth a lot, and you don’t need anyone else to tell you that.

Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment is when you’re really scared your partner might leave you one day. It’s normal, and many people feel this way. But it can cause you to keep checking in with your partner.

You might want them to reassure you constantly that they’re sticking around. It’s about wanting to feel safe and knowing that the person you love isn’t going to vanish.

"If someone had parents who died or were divorced, people often need reassurance that their partner won't leave them in a similar way. They seek words and physical gestures of affection that help them to feel deeply connected to someone in the present."

— Susanne M. Alexander | Relationship and Marriage Coach, Marriage Transformation | Co-Author, “Couple Vitality: Connecting with Character”

Lack of Trust in Your Partner

When you don’t fully trust your partner, you might find yourself wanting them to show you they can be trusted over and over. It’s like needing them to prove they won’t mess up or lie to you.

This lack of trust can come from past hurts or things they’ve done. Talking things out is often the way to start fixing this problem. Rebuilding trust takes time and patience.

"Your partner is doing shady behaviors that make you feel self-conscious or undesired. There’s a fine line between being needlessly jealous and having a real reason to be suspicious. Is your partner actually cheating or purposely making you feel bad?"

— Christy Piper | Coach and Speaker | Author, “Girl, You Deserve More“

High Levels of Anxiety

Having high levels of anxiety is like having a little alarm inside you that’s set off by the teeniest things, making you worry a lot about your relationship.

Unsolved Personal Traumas

It can sneak into your relationship when you’ve got some heavy stuff from the past that you haven’t dealt with. It’s like old ghosts showing up at your dinner date uninvited.

These traumas can make you need more reassurance because you’re scared the past might repeat itself.

Even though these fears come from something that happened before, they can feel super real now. This can make you cling to your partner for comfort because it feels like they’re the lifeboat in a stormy sea.

Lack of Validation From Your Partner

When you’re not getting the thumbs-up from your partner, like compliments or “good job” comments, it can make you feel unnoticed, and you might end up asking them a lot if you’re doing okay.

This need for validation is pretty normal; it’s just about wanting to be appreciated.

Example: Let’s say you’ve cooked a nice meal, and your partner just eats without saying anything. You might ask, “Did you like the food?” just to get them to say it was delicious and see that smile that means “I love what you do.”

"We constantly look for signs that tell us if we're safe or not. Validation from others, both verbal and non-verbal, does this. Reassurance from another person can help us feel better because it tells our brains everything is okay."

— Colleen Wenner-Foy​, MA. LCMHC-S, LPC, MCAP​ | Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor | Founder and Clinical Director, New Heights Counseling and Consulting LLC

Infrequent Communication From Your Partner

If your partner doesn’t talk to you much, it can leave you feeling like you’re in the dark. You might always check your phone, wishing they’d send you a message or just letting you know they’re thinking about you.

This silence can stir up all sorts of worries and doubts in your mind, and that’s when you might ask for reassurance more than usual. You just want to feel connected and in the loop with their life.

Unclear Commitment Level

When you’re unsure how committed your partner is, it’s like holding a “Will they, won’t they?” sign inside your head. You’re looking for clear signs that they’re in this for the long run, but it’s as clear as mud. It’s all about wanting to feel sure about where the relationship is headed.

Past Experiences of Betrayal

Having been betrayed in the past is like having a broken leg that healed wrong — you’re always a bit careful about it. You might be on high alert, looking for the smallest signs that history is repeating itself, even if your current partner has done nothing wrong.

This can make you ask for lots of reassurance because a pat on the back from them can sometimes feel like a band-aid for old wounds. You just want to trust again, but it’s hard when you’ve been let down before.

"There is a deep wound, which can look like low self-esteem, feeling insecure about your appearance, and worried that you need to keep earning your partner's love so they stay."

— Gaby Balsells | Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist

Misunderstandings and Poor Communication

When you and your partner don’t communicate well, it’s like stuff getting lost in translation, and before you know it, you’re both confused.

• Conversations that end with both of you just scratching your heads.
• You keep asking, “So, what did you really mean by that?” a whole bunch.
• Sometimes, an innocent comment might set off a whole drama because it was taken the wrong way.

"... If you are expressing love to each other using different languages, you may need to make an effort to speak each other’s love language."

— Christy Piper | Coach and Speaker | Author, “Girl, You Deserve More“

Sensitivity to Rejection

If the idea of being rejected feels super scary to you, it’s like going to a job interview every day but never knowing if you got the job. You might be worrying over things like not being good enough or that your partner will suddenly call it quits.

This sensitivity can lead you to look for tons of reassurance because it helps silence those fears, even if it’s just for a little while. What you’re looking for is that “Yes, you’re the one” feeling that makes you feel all warm and secure.

Feeling Unlovable

Believing that you’re unlovable is like constantly thinking there’s a sign on your back saying, “Not good enough.” This can make you crave signs from your partner that you’re absolutely lovable because it contradicts what your head is telling you.

You just want to feel that they really care about you, even when you can’t see it yourself. It’s a way of patching up those thoughts of not being worthy with a bit of positive attention from someone who matters to you.

"If you don't feel worthy of love, you will keep asking for constant reassurance that your partner loves you because you don't believe they do."

— Dr. Ketan Parmar | Forensic Psychiatrist & Psychologist, ClinicSpots

Sensing Unequal Love

Feeling like there’s more love coming from one side than the other can make a relationship feel wobbly. You might start to wonder if your feelings are stronger than your partner’s and look for signs that they’re just as into you as you are into them.

This imbalance, or even the idea of it, can make you want to hear “I love you” more, just to be sure. It’s about needing to feel that you’re both in it together, equally.

Experiencing Jealousy Frequently

Jealousy can pop up in a relationship like an annoying notification that won’t go away. It’s when you see your partner chatting with someone else, and your brain starts racing with “what ifs.”

It’s because underneath that jealousy, what you’re really looking for is a sense of security from your partner. Nobody really enjoys feeling jealous; it’s just something that happens when you want to protect what’s yours.

Needing Physical Closeness

There’s something about being close to your partner, like holding hands or snuggling up, that just feels right. When you don’t get enough of that touchy-feely closeness, it can make you a bit anxious.

This need for physical touch is a straightforward way to feel loved and connected. Being physically close is like a silent way of saying, “I’m here for you,” and that matters a lot.

Pressure from Social Media

Scrolling through social media can make you feel like everyone else’s relationship is perfect. All those happy pictures and lovey-dovey posts are like a highlight reel that never stops. It can put pressure on you to match that unreal standard in your own relationship.

This might leave you feeling like you’re not measuring up and seeking reassurance that what you have is just fine. Remember, your relationship is unique, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be wonderful.

Partner’s Unpredictability

Having a partner whose actions are all over the place can be really confusing. One day, they’re super affectionate, and the next, they’re distant, which can make your head spin.

You end up needing reassurance because their unpredictability leaves you unsure about where you stand. Stability is comfortable, so when things feel shaky, you naturally want to steady them.

Dependent Personality Traits

When you rely on your partner for a lot of things, not just the emotional bits, you might have dependent personality traits. It’s like you’re not sure you can handle the day-to-day stuff without them.

You believe that they’re the key to making decisions, big or small. This dependence can make you seek a lot of reassurance because you feel you need their okay on everything. Overcoming this means learning to trust your own choices, too.

Needing Constant Emotional Support

When you’re someone who needs constant emotional support, it can feel like you’re always looking to your partner to lift you up and keep you steady.

This continuous need can put a fair bit of pressure on your relationship because you’re heavily reliant on your partner to manage your emotional well-being.

It’s natural to seek support from someone you trust, but when it’s relentless, it might become overwhelming for them. Balancing how much you lean on your partner and developing ways to support yourself is crucial for both of you.

Wanting Frequent Romantic Gestures

We all get a kick out of those cute, lovey-dovey things that make a relationship feel special. If you’re someone who really digs those romantic moments, not having them can make you feel a little empty.

Conditioned Behavior From Childhood

Growing up, we learn a lot from our families, like how to ask for attention and make sure we’re heard. If you were taught as a kid that you have to ask for love or make some noise to be seen, those habits can tag along into adulthood.

You might find yourself easily slipping into those learned behaviors in your relationship, wanting your partner to show you care in the ways your family did, or didn’t. It’s like living out an old family script, and it feels like the way things should be done.

"Relationship anxiety can surface when a person does not necessarily receive stable or consistent validation while growing up. If you had emotionally or physically absent parents, felt as if your needs/interests were not nurtured, or verbal abuse occurred, these early childhood and adolescent experiences can shape the level of anxiety."

— Rachel Ann Dine, MA, LPC, LMHC | Licensed Professional Counselor & Forensic Mental Health Evaluator, Humanitas Counseling and Consulting, LLC

Needing Frequent Affirmation of Partner’s Attraction

It’s pretty normal to want to feel attractive to your partner. If you find yourself always asking if they still find you pretty or handsome, it’s like needing that mirror nod all the time.

You might need them to throw compliments your way often just to feel good about your relationship.

It’s not about fishing for flattery, but more about needing that connection and assurance that the spark is alive and well. You want to keep hearing that you’re still the one they fancy, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Influence of Previous Emotional Abuse

If you’ve been emotionally hurt by someone in the past, it can leave some deep marks. These experiences can make you very cautious in your relationships, like walking on eggshells even when everything seems okay.

You might seek reassurance from your partner because the old wounds have taught you to doubt yourself and your worth. You’re looking for signs from your partner that it’s a different story this time, a safe one.

"If you need constant reassurance from your partner, you may be dealing with low confidence, anxiety, or guilt. It may also be a trauma response if you've had very painful relationships with family or partners before."

— Kara Nassour, LPC, NCC | Licensed Professional Counselor, Shaded Bough Counseling

Having Attachment Issues

When you have attachment issues, your relationship can feel like there’s a fear of being either too close or too distant. Depending on your attachment style, you might cling on a little too tight or keep a bit too much space.

It can lead you to look for constant reassurance because you’re trying to manage those fears and find a happy medium. You want to know your partner is there for you, but you’re not always sure how to be okay with the way they show it.

"People with Anxious Attachment deeply desire connection and safety in their relationship. They long to feel secure but often will get in their own way because, deep down, they carry a big fear that their partner will leave them/ or not want to be with them."

— Gaby Balsells | Clinical Psychologist & Couples Therapist

Overthinking Relationship Issues

When your brain won’t stop analyzing every little thing your partner does, that’s overthinking. Even the smallest actions can make you wonder if there’s a hidden meaning you’re supposed to figure out.

This habit of over-analyzing can lead to you asking your partner for reassurance repeatedly. You’re basically looking for peace of mind because your brain keeps telling you puzzles need solving.

Need for Control in the Relationship

If you find yourself needing to manage every detail of the relationship, that’s wanting control. It’s like you’re the director of a play, and you feel everything needs to go as scripted.

This need can come from a place of anxiety—you want to make sure nothing goes wrong, so you end up micromanaging. The upside is you care a lot, but the downside is it might get overwhelming for both you and your partner.

Personal Insecurities

Everyone has insecurities to some degree, and they can be about anything—your looks, your job, your charm. These personal doubts might have you turning to your partner more often than you’d like to, looking for that boost of confidence.

"You've learned to doubt yourself and your perceptions of things ... you may feel like you need reassurance that things really are as okay in the relationship as you think they are."

— Larissa House, LCSW | Licensed Clinical Social Worker | California LCSW | Florida Telehealth Provider

Unmet Emotional Needs

Not getting what you need emotionally in a relationship is like trying to fill a cup with a hole in it. No matter how much water you pour, it never gets full.

When your partner isn’t meeting your emotional needs, you might feel a bit empty or lonely, even when they’re right there. It’s about wanting to feel connected and valued, and when it’s missing, you naturally seek extra reassurance to feel okay.

Sensitivity to Your Partner’s Tone

Tone can say a lot, sometimes even more than words. If you’re sensitive to how your partner says things, it’s like you’ve got a built-in tone radar that goes off with any slight change.

For instance, when your partner answers the phone with a “What’s up?” instead of the usual “Hey, love!” it could throw you off. You end up asking if they’re annoyed with you, just to check.

Partner’s Busy Schedule

When your partner’s always busy, it’s like there’s less room for you in their day-to-day calendar. It can feel lonely watching them rush from one task to the next.

You might start to wonder if they still have time for you and the relationship with everything else on their plate. Everyone wants to feel important, especially to those we love, right?

Feeling Emotionally Disconnected

Sometimes, it’s like you and your partner are on different emotional planets. You’re just not clicking on that deep level, and it makes you feel alone, like sitting by yourself at a crowded party.

This gap can be hard because sharing feelings is a big part of being close. You might try to bridge this gap by seeking reassurance, to remind yourself the connection is still there. It’s about trying to get back onto the same emotional wavelength.

Difficulty with Relationship Changes

Such changes can shake up your relationship dynamic. Maybe there’s a new job, a move, or just a new phase in life, and it’s throwing you off.

You like how things were, and now it all feels uncertain. Because of this, you might ask for more reassurance. You’re looking for something familiar and comforting when everything else is in flux.

Lack of Shared Interests

Not having much in common with your partner is like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole — it’s a bit awkward. If you love art and they’re all about sports, you might find yourself in the stands instead of a gallery, feeling out of place.

You might look for reassurance that this interest gap is okay and doesn’t mean you’re drifting apart. It’s about finding a way to feel connected when you’re not sharing the same activities or hobbies.

Struggles With Personal Identity

Dealing with who you are or what you want to be is like wearing a bunch of different hats and not knowing which one fits best. You might be looking at your partner to help you figure it out, using their reactions to you as a mirror.

When you’re unsure about yourself, you might lean on them more, asking for reassurance about the “you” they see. It’s a way to feel secure while you’re figuring out your own stuff.

Responding to Your Partner’s Subtle Changes

Little things can sometimes speak volumes, like a change in daily texts or a new habit that pops up. Maybe your partner starts working out more or picks up a new hobby, and it has you wondering why.

You look for reassurance because these small shifts could feel like signs of bigger things, and you want to be in the loop. It’s not that you’re nosy — it’s more about wanting to feel connected and knowing what’s going on with them.

Example: Your always chill partner has started working out like it’s their new job. It makes you curious, so you ask, “What’s up with the gym obsession all of a sudden?” hoping it’s not about wanting to look good for someone else.

---

---

Frequently Asked Questions

---

Final Thoughts

Needing reassurance from your partner occasionally is normal, but constantly seeking it can be a sign that you need to work on building self-confidence.

Take a moment to appreciate yourself for wanting to understand and improve your relationship. Remember, it’s okay to share your worries and doubts with your partner; they likely want to help you feel more secure.

You’re in this together—support each other through good and bad times. With understanding, love, and open communication, you two can face anything as a team!