It sucks, ain’t it? How we often resort to pushing away the very people we desperately want to keep close, all because we’re scared.

Maybe we’re scared of being hurt, maybe we don’t feel like we deserve love, or perhaps we’re just trying to guard our hearts. These reasons often have deep roots in our past experiences and can be tough to overcome on our own.

Fear sure does have a way of shutting down our open arms. We end up building these invisible walls to keep others at a distance, even when everything in us is screaming to hold them close.

Yet, there’s always room for hope.

Maybe today is when you decide you’re done closing doors just because that’s what you’re used to. Sure, it’s not easy. It feels risky. But true friendship, love, and support are absolutely worth that leap of faith.

Let’s begin to identify those fears and tackle them—step by step, side by side. Continue reading and take that leap!

Why Do You Push People Away?

You Have Unresolved Past Traumas

Sometimes, the ghosts of our past like to join us at the dinner table long after we thought we’ve shut the door on them. These traumas can stem from a range of experiences—childhood issues, previous heartbreaks, or even betrayals that have left a deep mark.

And sometimes, those experiences can impact how we behave in our relationships. But hey, it’s okay to admit that sometimes these things hurt us more than we wish they did.

Unfortunately, walking through life with these heavy burdens can unconsciously lead us to push people away as a kind of self-protection mechanism. It’s as if our minds are trying to protect our hearts by building walls so tall that even we can’t peer over them.

But here’s the thing: While it may feel like these walls keep us safe, they also keep us isolated. It can be tough, but addressing these traumas can help break this cycle.

You Fear Vulnerability That Entails Intimacy

Vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand, and let’s be honest, that can be pretty scary sometimes. When you open yourself up to someone else, you’re practically saying, “Hey, here’s my heart. Please don’t break it!”

It’s a big risk, and it’s totally normal to feel a little hesitant about taking that leap.

This fear of being seen can trick us into thinking it’s better to push others away rather than risk the potential to be hurt. We end up not getting too close to anyone because we’re scared that if they see who we are beyond the surface, we might just scare them off.

You Have Low Self-Worth

These whispers of little lies at the back of your head can keep you from reaching out, taking risks, or investing in others because why bother if you’re not up to par, right? But this mindset plays a big part in the push-away game you end up playing with those around you.

You Have Trust Issues

When you’ve been betrayed or let down in the past, it can be really hard to trust anyone again. It’s like every time someone gets close, an internal alarm goes off, screaming, “Intruder alert!”

These issues could stem from a betrayal you experienced or maybe promises that were broken one too many times. It’s like having a mental note stuck on your fridge that keeps reminding you to be wary, even when it’s not necessary.

The thing is, not everyone is out to get you. Just because you’ve been burned before doesn’t mean that every person you meet is going to be the same way. It’s important to remember that each new relationship is a clean slate, and it’s okay to take things slow and build trust over time.

You Have Attachment Issues

Sometimes, we get into a tangle with our attachment styles. Maybe you find yourself getting really clingy really fast, or maybe you tend to keep people at arm’s length because you’re afraid of getting too attached. Either way, it can make it tough to form healthy, stable connections with others.

But where do attachment issues come from? Well, a lot of the time, they stem from our early childhood experiences. If you grew up in an environment where your emotional needs weren’t consistently met or where you experienced a lot of instability or trauma, it can affect the way you attach to others as an adult.

When these issues linger unaddressed, they can lead us to push people away as an almost reflex action. It’s tricky because deep down, there’s this yearning for connection, but it’s like there’s an invisible force field keeping everyone at arm’s length.

You Have a Fear of Abandonment

When you’ve experienced a lot of loss or rejection in your life, it’s natural to want to protect yourself from feeling that pain again. You might find yourself pushing people away before they have a chance to leave you, or you might cling to relationships even when they’re not healthy for you.

The thing is, this fear of abandonment can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, it can put a lot of strain on your relationships. You might become overly needy or controlling, or you might pull away altogether.

You Have a Fear of Commitment

‘Settle down’—Now, there’s a phrase that sounds lovely on a hallmark card but can send shivers down the spine of a commitment-phobe. 

Fear of commitment is often rooted in past experiences of abandonment, betrayal, or hurt. We’re scared of locking ourselves into a choice that we can’t undo. Be it in relationships or careers—the idea of sticking to one thing can be oddly terrifying.

If any of that sounds familiar, don’t beat yourself up. Your brain is just trying to protect you from going through that pain again.

But here’s the thing: Avoiding commitment altogether isn’t the answer. In fact, it can actually keep you from experiencing the depth and richness that comes with a truly intimate relationship.

You Have a Fear of Rejection

Rejection sucks, plain and simple. It seems small, but oh boy, does it sting! And the fear of it is enough to make pushing people away seem like the better option. After all, why put yourself out there just to get a “Thanks, but no thanks”?

Now, I know it’s easier said than done, but hear me out: rejection is a part of life. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re not worthy of love and connection. It’s simply a mismatch of circumstances, timing, or expectations.

It’s okay to want to feel accepted and part of the tribe—that’s human too. But maybe, getting comfortable with the idea of ‘no’ can open your eyes to all the ‘yeses’ in life.

You Have a Fear of Getting Hurt

Let’s admit it—getting hurt sucks. Whether it’s a breakup, a betrayal, or just a really disappointing letdown, emotional pain can be tough to bounce back from.

And if you’ve been through it before, it’s natural to want to avoid going through it again by pushing people away. It makes sense—pain is uncomfortable and inconvenient, and frankly, who has the time?

But much as I don’t want to disappoint, getting hurt is part and parcel of life. We can’t control other people’s actions or the curveballs that life throws our way. What we can control is how we respond to that hurt and what we learn from it.

You Witnessed an Unstable Relationship With Your Parents

Watching your parents’ relationship go through ups and downs like a roller coaster can be tough as a kid.

Maybe you saw your parents constantly fighting and putting each other down, or maybe one parent was always threatening to leave. Maybe there was a lot of emotional manipulation or even physical violence. Whatever the case, those early experiences can shape your beliefs about what love and commitment really mean.

“This is how it always ends, right?” you might ask.

Well, no. You are not your parents. Their story doesn’t have to be yours. Just because you witnessed an unstable relationship growing up doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat those patterns in your own life.

You Have a Fear of Losing Your Independence

It’s cool to make your own choices, call your own shots, and live life on your own terms. But sometimes, this can go into overtime, and before you know it, you’re avoiding relationships to keep that freedom fizzing.

It’s not easy to share your life with someone else when you’re worried they might cramp the life you’ve worked hard to build.

But guess what? Relationships are not about giving up your favorite things or changing who you are. It’s possible to be with someone and still do your own thing. You can go for a jog alone, take a trip with your buddy, or enjoy that cereal.

You don’t have to stick to someone like glue. Relationships—a healthy one, for that matter—are meant to add to your life, not squeeze the fun out of it.

"The truth is that there is beauty in being able to create connections without losing yourself. In fact, real connections with others shouldn't take away from your independence or individuality but enhance it."

— Adina Mahalli | Certified Mental Health Consultant, Enlightened Reality | Relationship Expert, Maple Holistics

You Have a Fear of Being Judged or Criticized

No one enjoys being on the wrong end of a pointing finger. Feeling like you’re constantly being sized up can make you want to steer clear of people altogether.

It makes sense, right? If no one’s around, no one can say anything about the way you live your life. It’s tough out there with all the silent critics and their eyebrows raised. You just want to stay in your safe zone where no one can throw shade at your choices.

Now, let’s cut through those worries. Most people are too tangled up in their own stuff to judge what you’re doing…all the time. And those who do throw judgment your way just for fun? Well, that’s on them, not you.

When you know your own worth, and you’re confident in who you are, it’s a lot easier to brush off other people’s opinions. And remember: anyone who judges or criticizes you without compassion or constructive feedback is probably dealing with their own insecurities. It’s not really about you at all.

You Have a Fear of Being Overwhelmed

Life’s like a juggler with too many balls in the air sometimes, and thinking about adding even one more (like a relationship) can seem like too much. You’ve got enough on your plate.

It’s tough to let someone in when you’re barely keeping up with your own stuff. Who wants more to handle? Your days are already full, your to-do list is endless, and you might feel like you just can’t deal with someone else’s needs on top of that.

But hold on a second. Relationships don’t have to be another chore. They can actually be what helps you through the crazy days. Think of them as a helping hand or a listening ear—you don’t have to shoulder everything alone.

You Have a Fear of Being Exposed

Keeping your true self hidden can seem like the best way to protect yourself, huh?

When you let someone see the real you—the messy, imperfect, sometimes downright weird parts of you—it can feel like you’re standing naked in front of them. What if they don’t like what they see? What if they reject you or judge you or use your vulnerabilities against you?

You might think it’s easier this way—safer. I get it. These fears are totally normal, but they can also be the reason you miss out on the chance to be truly seen and loved for who you truly are.

Believe me, the people who care about you aren’t going to run away just because you’re not perfect—nobody is. You don’t have to throw open all the doors at once, but letting someone peek into your life a little might just strengthen your bond.

You Want to Appear Strong and Capable

We live in a society that equates vulnerability with weakness, it’s no wonder so many of us feel pressure to appear strong and capable all the time. We don’t want to be seen as needy or dependent or—god forbid—emotional.

"The more vulnerable we feel, the more we desire to feel strong and independent, the more we push others way so that we can feel this way. We think, "If someone is helping me, then I'm not capable of doing this by myself.""

— Anna Yam, Ph.D. | Clinical Psychologist in Private Practice, Bloom Psychology

But the truth is, we all have moments of weakness and uncertainty—and that’s okay! Pretending otherwise is just a recipe for burnout and disconnection.

Being vulnerable doesn’t automatically mean you’re weak. In fact, it takes a whole lot of courage to let people see the real you, flaws and all. Pushing people away might feel like a kind of strength, but it’s really just a defense mechanism.

The truly brave thing is to open yourself up to connection, even when it’s scary. That’s the kind of strength that will serve you well in all your relationships—romantic, platonic, and everything in between.

You Are Not at Peace With the Narrative You Tell About Yourself

We all have a story we tell ourselves about who we are. Maybe you tell yourself you’re not the relationship type, or you’re better off flying solo. This story has probably been with you for a while, and over time, it starts to feel like the only story you’ve got.

It’s comfortable because it’s familiar, but deep down, you might feel like you’re sticking to a script that doesn’t fit anymore.

Well, you don’t need to ditch the whole narrative. Just tweak the bits that feel off, like the parts where you think pushing people away is staying true to yourself. Why not flip the page to where you’re open to letting people closer?

You’re the author here. You get to decide how your story goes, and it can definitely include some solid friendships and relationships that make you feel good about who you are.

You Avoid Conflict That You Rather Choose to Disappear

Ever felt like it’d be easier to vanish than face an argument? It’s like hearing the start of an argument and suddenly remembering you’ve got to be… anywhere else.

Nobody looks forward to arguments or tough chats, and sometimes, the idea of conflict is so off-putting that it seems better to just fade out than to deal with the squabble.

The truth is healthy relationships require honest communication. It doesn’t mean you have to love fighting or arguing, but it does mean being willing to speak up for yourself, listen to your partner’s perspective, and find compromises that work for both of you.

It’s not always easy, but it’s so much better than letting things fester and pushing people away because you’re afraid of a little discomfort.

You Feel Like a Burden

When you’re struggling with your own stuff—whether it’s mental health issues, financial problems, or just a general sense of inadequacy—it’s easy to feel like a burden on the people you love.

Truth be told, everyone has moments when they could use a hand or a shoulder to lean on. But when you feel like you’re too much trouble, you might stop reaching out. The logic’s something like: “If I’m not around, I can’t weigh them down.”

Little do you know that pushing them away or trying to hide your struggles is only going to make you feel more alone and disconnected.

The people who love you want to be there for you, even when you’re not at your best. They care about you and want to support you through the tough times, just like you would do for them.

You Are Drained

Sometimes, after a long stretch of work, problems, and day-to-day grind, you’re just out of juice. When you’re this drained, the idea of keeping up with conversations, meetings, or even casual chats can feel like running a marathon on an empty tank. So, you pull back and cancel plans just to catch a breath.

But this constant folding back into your shell might have friends wondering if you’re playing hide and seek with them. It’s okay to need downtime—everyone does—but it’s also important to let the folks around you know what’s up. A simple, “Hey, I’m really beat and need to recharge” goes a long way.

You Finally Realized What You Want—and Deserve

Sometimes, pushing people away is a sign that you’re finally starting to realize what you want and deserve in your relationships. Maybe you’ve been settling for less than you really want, or maybe you’ve been putting up with behavior that doesn’t align with your values and needs.

When you start to get clear on what you really want, it can be hard to tolerate anything less. You might find yourself pulling away from people who don’t meet those standards or setting firmer boundaries around what you will and won’t accept.

This can be a really positive shift, even if it feels scary and uncomfortable at first. It means you’re starting to value yourself and your own happiness more, and you’re willing to make changes to create the kind of relationships you really want.

You Hope to Get More Love and Attention

We all crave a bit of the spotlight now and then—feeling seen and appreciated is a basic human need. Maybe you’ve been feeling a little ignored and start pulling away, hoping it’ll make those around you take notice and shower you with the attention you’re missing.

The twist? When you drift away, it can come off like you’re not interested in being close to them at all. They might just respect your need for space and not realize you were actually hoping for the opposite.

Instead of playing riddles, why not reach out directly? A candid conversation could let others know what exactly you need. People aren’t mind readers, and sometimes they need a little nudge to know when you’re feeling left out.

Imagine a child who only gets attention when something is wrong. The child cries, and her father picks her up. The child settles down, and the father puts her down and goes back to doing whatever he was doing,..

As long as she is quiet, no one spends much time with her at all. This creates a situation where a child will cry and be very difficult to console because she knows that as soon as she settles down, she's not going to receive any more love. 

The child learns very quickly, "If I push you away, then you will keep loving me. I can actually get more of you by making myself less available to you."" 

— Natalie Burtenshaw, LCSW, LCDC | Women’s Embodiment Therapist | Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Own Your Colors Counseling

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How to Stop It

Name and Acknowledge Your Fears

Facing your fears starts with putting a name to them. Often, we’re not even fully aware of the fears driving our actions, but once we identify them, they lose a lot of their power. So, grab a notepad and start jotting down what you’re afraid of in your relationships.

• Is it the fear of getting hurt?
• Is it the fear of being judged?
• Maybe a fear of not being enough?

Whatever it is, acknowledge it and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t make you weak or broken—it just makes you human.

This list is just for you, so be honest.

Next step, read each fear out loud to yourself in a mirror or during a moment of quiet. It may feel odd, but it can help make these fears feel more manageable.

Acknowledging your fears helps you understand and confront them instead of reacting by reflex and pushing people away. It’s about facing those fears directly, having a heart-to-heart with them, and then saying, “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.”

Learn How to Communicate Your Feelings and Needs

This can be a tough one, especially if you’re used to keeping things bottled up or putting on a brave face all the time.

But the truth is, no one is a mind reader. If you don’t tell people what’s going on inside your head and your heart, they won’t know how to support you or meet your needs.

So, how do you start communicating more effectively? Here are a few tips:

• Use “I” statements. Instead of saying “You always…” or “You never…,” try saying “I feel…” or “I need…” This helps you take ownership of your own experiences and emotions without putting the other person on the defensive.
• Be specific. Instead of saying, “I’m just feeling off,” try saying, “I’m feeling really anxious about this project at work, and I could use some extra support right now.” The more specific you can be, the easier it will be for the other person to understand and respond to your needs.
• Practice active listening. Communication is a two-way street. When the other person is sharing their own feelings and needs, make sure you’re really listening and trying to understand where they’re coming from. Ask questions, reflect back on what you’re hearing, and show that you’re making an effort to see things from their perspective.

By openly expressing what’s going on inside you and listening to others, relationships can deepen. Communication bridges the gap between people, so instead of pushing them away, you’re inviting them in.

Work on Your Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Listen up, you are worthy of love and respect, period.

I don’t know what that little voice in your head might be telling you or what some jerk in your past might have said but you certainly deserve to feel good about yourself and to be treated with kindness and compassion.

Just keep showing up for yourself, one day at a time, and trust that you’re worth the effort. You got this!

Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationships

First off, setting boundaries is not synonymous with pushing people away.

Some might think it’s about building walls, but it’s more about drawing lines that help everyone understand where they stand. Having clear boundaries in your relationships allows you to preserve your energy and maintain respect for one another.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about being mean or selfish—it’s about taking care of yourself and creating the kind of relationships that feel good and healthy for everyone involved. 

Challenge Your Negative Beliefs About Relationships

Many of us carry around beliefs about relationships that aren’t helping us. These might come from past experiences, things we’ve learned growing up, or messages from society.

This process might take time, and it’s not always easy. But as you replace your negative beliefs with ones that serve you better, you’ll begin to approach relationships with more hope and less fear, naturally drawing people closer rather than pushing them away.

Take Things Slowly and Gradually

When you’re learning to stop pushing people away, it’s essential to take things slowly and gradually. Rushing into things can be overwhelming and may trigger the urge to withdraw or push others away even further.

• Share small things about yourself over time rather than everything all at once.
• Plan meet-ups and deepen conversations at a comfortable pace for you.
• Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you’re making—every step forward is a win.

Remember that it’s okay to take breaks or step back if you start to feel overwhelmed. The goal is to create sustainable, long-lasting changes in your relationships, not to burn yourself out by trying to do too much too soon.

Engage in Self-Reflection

Think of it like this: if you want to stop pushing people away, you’ve got to start getting curious about why you’re doing it in the first place. And that means taking a good, hard look at yourself – your thoughts, your feelings, your patterns of behavior.

It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it.

To engage in self-reflection:

• Set aside time regularly to review your day, considering both the highs and the lows.
• Ask yourself how you contributed to the positive moments and what you could learn from the negatives.
• Keep a journal to record your self-reflection. Might be a little too cheesy for your liking, but this can help you track your growth over time, believe me.

Reflecting on your experiences helps you learn from them, which is essential for personal development. As you grow personally, you’ll likely find it easier to keep doors open to others and not shut them out.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions and Emotions

If you want to stop pushing people away, you’ve got to start taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions. I know it’s tempting to blame others or play the victim when things get tough, but the truth is, you’re the only one who can control how you show up in your relationships.

Now, I’m not saying it’s easy. We all have our own baggage and triggers, and it’s totally normal to get defensive or reactive sometimes. But the more you can start to own your own stuff, the more power you have to change it.

Remember, taking responsibility isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about empowering yourself to make positive changes and show up as your best self in your relationships.

Surround Yourself With Supportive People

The people we choose to spend time with can greatly influence our perspectives and emotions. Being around supportive individuals can help improve our outlook on relationships and, in turn, reduce the likelihood of pushing people away.

A network of caring, understanding friends can provide a safety net when you’re feeling down and can remind you of your worth. Their support can empower you to face challenges and nurture your relationships instead of isolating yourself.

Learn to Compromise and Find Balance in Relationships

When you’re in a relationship with someone, you’re essentially agreeing to share your life with them. And that means you’re not always going to get your way 100% of the time. There will be times when you have to make sacrifices, find a middle ground, and learn to give and take.

Now, I know that might sound a little bit like losing yourself or giving up your autonomy. But the truth is compromise and balance are actually about honoring both your own needs and the needs of the relationship. It’s about finding a way to be interdependent, not codependent.

Seek Professional Help to Address Past Traumas

If you’ve been through some tough stuff in your past, it’s not something you have to deal with alone. In fact, seeking professional help can be one of the bravest and most powerful things you can do for yourself and your relationships.

I know, I know—the idea of opening up to a stranger about your deepest, darkest moments can be scary as hell. But a good therapist isn’t there to judge you or make you feel worse. They’re there to listen, to support you, and to help you work through those painful experiences in a safe and healthy way.

So, how do you go about seeking professional help? Well, it might look a little different for everyone, but here are some general steps you can take:

1. Start by doing some research and asking for recommendations. Talk to your doctor, your friends, or your family members to see if they know of any good therapists or counselors in your area.
2. Look for someone who specializes in the areas you’re struggling with, whether it’s trauma, relationship issues, or personal growth.
3. Don’t be afraid to shop around and find someone who feels like a good fit for you. It’s okay to try out a few different therapists until you find someone you really click with.
4. Be honest and open with your therapist about your goals and what you hope to get out of therapy. The more they know about what you’re working on, the better they can support you.
5. Remember that therapy is a collaborative process. Your therapist is there to guide and support you, but ultimately, you are the expert on your own life and experiences.

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Final Thoughts

I know pushing people away feels like the only way to protect yourself sometimes but trust me, it’s not doing you any favors in the long run.

You’ve probably figured it out by now—people aren’t like boomerangs. Give them too much of a push, and they might not come back. And when it comes to those you really care about, keeping them at bay is no way to show love.

Your traumas? They’re not your fault, and they definitely don’t define who you are. But healing from them is something that only you can do. Wanna hear the good news? Healing from them is something that only you can do—your call, your way, your pace.

Your fears—they matter, they make sense, but don’t let them rob you of the chance to be with the people who could make your life so much better. There are too many amazing moments with people who could make your life so much richer, waiting just on the other side of those fears.