Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships? (18 Reasons)

Whether it sparks from seeing your partner laughing with someone else or from an unanswered text, jealousy can make your heart race and your mind whirl. But why does this happen? Why do we get jealous even when we know our loved one cares about us?

Stay tuned as we dive deeper into the complex feelings of jealousy—why it happens, when it’s harmful, and how to handle it.

What if recognizing and understanding our jealousy could actually make our relationships stronger? Let’s find out.

Lack of Trust in the Relationship

Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship. When it’s missing, you might find yourself questioning your partner’s words, actions, and motives.

And it’s not a great place to be—I mean, who wants to play detective in their own love story?

But what does a lack of trust look like? Well, you might:

Second-guess your partner’s compliments.
Feel the need to check up on them constantly.
Doubt their commitment even when there’s no clear reason to.

Fear of Losing the Relationship

No one likes to think about losing something precious, especially not a loving relationship. This fear can trigger jealousy even in very confident people.

Let’s say you notice your partner chatting often with a new coworker. They laugh together, share jokes, and seem to click. Such scenarios might flick the switch of fear in your mind—what if my partner finds someone better?

This reaction can, unfortunately, backfire, making the relationship feel strained and under constant scrutiny.

Past Experiences with Betrayal

If you’ve been betrayed before, whether in a romantic relationship or by a close friend, those experiences can color how you see things now.

Consider this: maybe in your last relationship, you were cheated on. Now, even when your current partner is just late from work, your alarm bells start ringing like crazy. It’s natural but also oh-so draining.

But here’s what I’ve learned: it’s crucial to tackle these ghosts of relationships head-on. While our past shapes us, it doesn’t have to define our present. Acknowledging the pain, maybe with a therapist or a trusted friend, and gradually learning to give your current partner the benefit of the doubt can ease that haunting fear of betrayal.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can have you doubting your own worth in the relationship—wondering why your partner is even with you.

You might think, “I’m not funny enough,” or “I’m not as interesting as their ex.” These self-created stories can make anyone’s jealousy spike because you end up feeling like you’re in constant competition with… well, everyone.

So, what can you do? Start by celebrating your wins, no matter how small. Whether it’s making a great meal, succeeding at a task at work, or just managing to get out of bed on a rough day—acknowledge these moments!

Miscommunication or Lack of Open Dialogue

Miscommunication, or the lack of any real talk, can lead to assumptions that breed jealousy. Imagine you’re expecting your partner home at 7 PM, and they roll in at 9 PM without explanation. Your mind might go through the jealousy gymnasium, flipping from one worry to the next.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Clarify before you qualify. Ask what happened before assuming why it happened.
Share your concerns. A simple “I was worried when you didn’t show up as expected” can open the door to understanding each other better.
Remember, it’s not about blaming but about bridging the gap between what you know and what you assume.

"Unless your partner does something that crosses the line, such as touching someone or getting someone’s phone number, the best way to handle it is together with open communication. Use this time to become aware and conscious of your feelings and where they are coming from and determine if they are valid. Have a healing and clarifying conversation and move forward."

— Dr. Brenda Wade | Clinical Psychologist | Relationship Advisor, Online for Love

Sensitivity to Perceived Threats

Our brains are hardwired to protect us, and that’s a good thing—when there’s an actual threat. But when it comes to relationships, sometimes our alarm system gets a false reading.

We pick up on something—a look, a comment, even a tone of voice—and suddenly, we feel as though our relationship is under siege. This sensitivity can catapult us into a storm of jealousy over, honestly, nothing at all.

Let’s say your partner starts a new hobby, and they’re super excited about it. Instead of sharing in their joy, you might start feeling sidelined. These feelings stem from perceived threats to your time and connection with your partner.

Social Media Influence

Seeing endless pictures of happy couples can sometimes make us look at our own relationships through a harsh lens. Not to mention the jealousy when your partner likes someone else’s photos. It feels like a small thing, but it can sting quite a bit.

Here’s a small tip: remember that social media is often just a highlight reel, not the full story. Everyone tends to share their best moments, so what you see isn’t the complete picture of someone’s life.

Comparisons with Others

Do you ever catch yourself looking at other couples and thinking, “They’ve got it all together”?

Comparing our relationship to others is a fast track to feeling jealous and dissatisfied. It’s as if we’ve got this mental measuring tape, sizing up our love life against everyone else’s. But let’s be real, every couple has their struggles, even if they’re not posting about them on Insta.

What to do instead? Try these:

Celebrate Your Uniqueness: Every relationship is unique. Focus on what makes yours special.
Communicate Your Desires: Instead of stewing in silent jealousy, tell your partner about the experiences you desire. You might discover new activities you both enjoy!
Compliment Don’t Criticize: Try to compliment your partner and your relationship. This builds a positive environment and reduces the urge to compare.

Unclear Boundaries

It’s not always obvious where the line is between being sociable and overstepping boundaries. When these boundaries aren’t clear, jealousy can easily pop into the picture.

You might see your partner’s friendliness with someone else, and suddenly, your mind’s cooking up all sorts of scenarios. Is their friend crossing a line, or is it harmless?

Discussing comfort levels can go a long way:

What kind of hangouts are okay?
How much sharing is too much?

Friends’ Influence on Perceptions

It’s not just what happens within the relationship that matters—sometimes, our friends can have a megaphone to our insecurities.

They might drop comments or share opinions that color how we see our partner’s actions. If a friend says, “Aren’t you worried why your partner is always working late?” it might plant a seed of doubt where there wasn’t one before.

Let me tell you, it’s totally normal to take our friends’ opinions to heart, but it’s also important to remember that they’re seeing things from the outside. By all means, hear your friends out—sometimes, they can offer some gems of wisdom. But at the end of the day, it’s your gut feeling and your comfort with your relationship that matters most.

Unequal Attention or Affection

Maybe your partner has been super busy with work or has other commitments, and you feel like you’re not getting enough attention or affection. This imbalance can make you feel less loved and more likely to get jealous.

Here’s the kicker, though: it’s not merely about wanting more attention. It’s about what that lack of attention signals to you. It might make you feel less valued or, worse, ignored. And nobody likes feeling like they’re second best, right? Especially in your own relationship.

Differences in Relationship Expectations

We all step into relationships with our own set of expectations—some spoken and some hanging out in the back of our minds. The mismatch of your ideas of the perfect relationship and your partner can lead to feelings of jealousy, especially if one person expects more time together while the other is content with a bit of distance.

The key here is negotiation and compromise. Lay your cards on the table and figure out where you can meet halfway. It doesn’t have to be a tug-of-war—rather, think of it as co-creating a relationship that gives both of you a chance to thrive.

Insecurity About the Relationship’s Future

When the future of your relationship feels as uncertain as a weather forecast, it’s natural to feel a bit of relationship anxiety. You might ask questions like, “Where are we heading?” or “Will we make it through the ups and downs?” It’s like you’re trying to read a map in the dark, and that can absolutely fuel feelings of jealousy.

Here’s a simple and straight approach to handle this:

Talk it out: Just a simple conversation about where things are heading can clear up a lot of confusion.
Set goals together: Talk about both short-term and long-term goals. It’s like putting down stepping stones on your path forward.
Reassurance is key: Sometimes, a little reassurance from your partner that you’re both in this together can ease your worries.

Unresolved Issues from Past Relationships

If you’ve been hurt before, you might find yourself expecting the worst, even when your current partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them. This is a common root of jealousy, as those old fears and hurts trigger defensive and anxious reactions.

Let’s not forget that it’s completely normal to have past experiences shape how you see things, but it’s also empowering to start fresh. Holding onto old wounds only makes it harder to embrace the love you have now. Shake off that old suitcase and make room for the shiny new experiences waiting just around the corner.

Projection of Personal Insecurities

Sometimes, the insecurities we feel inside don’t just stay in our heads—they spill out and color how we see our relationships. If you’re not feeling great about your own career or looks, it’s all too easy to start thinking your partner might prefer someone who’s got these things all figured out. This type of thinking is a pretty common reason why jealousy can take hold.

What can you do about this? Here’s a straightforward plan:

Self-reflection: Take a moment to think about what insecurities are bothering you. Is it about your job? Your looks? Your talents?
Communicate: Talk to your partner about your feelings. They might not even be aware you’re feeling this way.
Build Confidence: Work on areas that make you feel insecure. Maybe join a class, start a new hobby, or talk to a counselor.

Differences in Personal Values

What we value deeply—such as honesty, loyalty, or ambition—shapes how we view the world and expect others, especially our partners, to behave. When these values don’t line up, it can feel like we’re not on the same page, leading to feelings of jealousy.

For example, you might really care about spending quality time together while your partner values their independence and alone time. Or perhaps you’re all about open and honest chats, and they tend to keep things more private. It’s in these gaps between our value systems that jealousy can sneak in.

Attachment Styles and Dependency Issues

Our early experiences with attachment—how we were cared for (or not) as kids—can seriously influence our adult relationships. If your attachment style veers towards insecurity, you may find yourself needing a lot of reassurance or, on the flip side, pushing your partner away because closeness feels like a risk.

Dependency issues, whether it’s being too dependent or too independent, can also shake up the jealousy jar:

If you’re leaning on your partner for your emotional needs, seeing them share a laugh with someone else can set off alarm bells.
Or if you’re the more solitary type, your partner seeking comfort from others might trigger worries of inadequacy.

Obsessive Thinking

In relationships, when our brains get stuck on a loop of “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, that’s often when jealousy takes the driver’s seat. It’s like when your partner is late to text back, and your mind races faster than a high-speed train to conclusions that they’re chatting it up with someone else or they’ve lost interest.

Breaking the cycle of obsessive thoughts is about:

Catching yourself in the act—realize when you’re spiraling and pause.
Shifting focus—engage in activities that require concentration and keep your mind busy elsewhere.
Practicing mindfulness—staying present can help you escape the clutches of “what if” and “why.“

"Another relatively common cause of jealousy in romantic relationships is obsessive thinking... Someone with obsessive thought patterns has a brain that works on overtime continuously. As a result, it generates new concerns and anxieties on an ongoing basis. This way of thinking is applied to every situation in that individual’s life, and their romantic relationships are no exception."

— Dr. Marcia Longley | Relationship Psychologist, The Eternity Rose

More Insights from the Experts

“Jealousy is a normal human emotion; it comes from us feeling like something, or someone is more important than we are while being paired with a feeling of being out of control. Our mind and physical body may interpret this as “losing something” and becomes hyper diligent with protecting ourselves from further loss.”

— Annemarie Lafferty, CECP | Neuro Emotional Therapy Specialist | Owner, Healing Within Wellness

“It is important to note the distinction of jealous versus envious. Jealousy is related to fear of someone taking something you perceive as yours, whereas envy is the belief that someone else has something you lack.”

— Talia Bombola | Certified Psychodynamic LMFT | Licensed Psychotherapist | Confidence and Assertiveness Specialist

“If you grew up in a household with parents who displayed jealousy, lack of boundaries, and unhealthy communication styles, then that environment likely became your norm for how you expect relationships to function.”

— Silva Depanian, MA, LMFT, CAMC | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Certified Anger Management Counselor, Sessions with Silva

“Cognitive distortions are just any thought that is unhelpful and negatively biased. The narrative that goes on in our head – the story and interpretation that you tell yourself – greatly increases the intensity of jealousy. And it is these thoughts that have the power to influence how you ultimately act.”

— Albert Nguyen, LCSW, PPSC | Licensed Psychotherapist | Founder, OptiMind Counseling & Consulting

“According to biologist Richard Dawkins, jealousy is an evolved behavior that has been programmed into our DNA through time. The basic idea behind his hypothesis is that our jealousy is fueled by the fear of others poaching our possessions or partners. So when we’re jealous, we’re not simply acting irrationally—we’re responding rationally to what our genes have evolved to tell us over thousands of years.”

— Andrew Gung | Relationship and Dating Coach | CEO, Core Confidence Coaching

Final Thoughts

Jealousy isn’t just a simple emotion; it signals that something needs our attention in our relationships. It often tells us about our fears, self-image, and desires for security and love. Recognizing and addressing these feelings honestly can lead us to healthier, stronger relationships where trust and understanding thrive.

Let’s use our feelings of jealousy not as reasons to fight but as opportunities to grow closer. By talking openly about what triggers these feelings, we can build deeper connections with those we care about. Remember, understanding and managing jealousy is a journey we must often take to safeguard our emotional bonds.