How to Shutdown a Narcissist (25 Tips + Expert Insights)

Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly draining and frustrating. They often dominate conversations, disregard your feelings, and seek to control every situation. But you don’t have to let them get the best of you.

But be warned: shutting down a narcissist requires patience and a willingness to put your own needs first. In this article, I’ll walk you through the tips to recognize narcissistic behavior, set healthy boundaries, and ultimately shut down a narcissist’s negative influence on your life.

_{Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. If you are facing serious challenges with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), we recommend seeking help from qualified mental health professionals.}

Table of Contents

Understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

While not all narcissists have NPD, understanding the disorder can provide valuable insight into their thought processes and motivations. Some key features of NPD include:

Grandiose sense of self-importance.
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or beauty.
A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
Need for constant admiration and attention.
Sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations of favors or special treatment.
Exploitation of others for personal gain.
Lack of empathy and unwillingness to recognize others’ needs or feelings.
Envy of others or belief that others are envious of them.
Arrogant or haughty behaviors and attitudes.

It’s important to note that NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition that requires professional treatment. While understanding the disorder can help you navigate your interactions with a narcissist, it’s not your responsibility to diagnose or treat them.

Spot Narcissistic Behaviors

Spotting narcissistic behaviors can be subtle or obvious. Look out for patterns of manipulation, such as gaslighting, where they make you doubt your reality. They might frequently seek admiration, lack empathy, or have a grandiose sense of self-importance.

Another practical example is noticing how a narcissist consistently turns conversations back to themselves. Suppose you share a personal achievement, and they quickly pivot to their own stories or diminish your success.

As mentioned earlier, this is a typical narcissistic trait. Be mindful of these actions so you can spot narcissistic behavior and react appropriately.

"Narcissists cannot love you fully because they are people already in a love-hate relationship. Someone who has narcissistic personality disorder has a strong need for attention, validation, praise, admiration, and affirmation. 

When trying to examine the behavior of someone around you that you feel may be a narcissist, look for two distinct styles of speech:

First of all, remember that NPD sufferers want all of the recognition of being seen as superior without any of the necessary hard work, efforts, and achievements that go along with it.

Secondly, when they are not achieving success, narcissists always find a way to blame everybody else, never themselves.

Pay attention to people who are overly braggadocious and blaming, they may be on the narcissistic spectrum. Narcissists do not fight fairly, they become consumed with discrediting you and smearing your good name."

— Christine Scott-Hudson, MA, LMFT, ATR | Licensed Psychotherapist | Marriage and Family Therapist | Owner, Create Your Life Studio

Establish Firm Boundaries

Once you’ve identified narcissistic behaviors, the next step is to establish firm boundaries. As we talked about earlier, narcissists often have a sense of entitlement and may try to push your limits. That’s why it’s necessary to be clear and consistent with your boundaries.

Here’s what establishing firm boundaries might look like:

Clearly communicate your needs and expectations.
Don’t allow the narcissist to dictate your actions or decisions.
Be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are violated.
Maintain consistency in your interactions with the narcissist.

Setting boundaries prevents narcissists from pushing you into uncomfortable zones, ensuring your interactions are on your terms.

"Narcissists like to be in control, so it can be difficult to communicate effectively with them. Set clear boundaries and don't compromise on them. Sticking to the boundaries you have created is more about you than it is about the narcissist.

They will inevitably cross boundaries, and solidifying the boundaries in your mind, or even in writing, is the only way to ensure that they stay in place."

— Adina Mahalli | Certified Mental Health Expert | Family Care Professional, Maple Holistics

Prioritize Your Emotional Health

Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, that’s why you have to prioritize your emotional health.

This means protecting yourself from their toxic influence and focusing on self-care and personal growth. One of my favorite ways to do this is to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as reading a book or spending time in nature.

Remember, taking care of yourself is necessary for your overall well-being. Find what works for you and make it a regular part of your routine.

Recognize When to Cut Ties

There may come a time when you need to make the difficult decision to cut ties completely. This is especially true if the narcissist’s behavior continues to be toxic and harmful despite your efforts to establish boundaries and protect yourself.

What these toxic behaviors might look like:

The narcissist’s behavior escalates to verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.
You realize that the relationship is causing significant harm to your mental health and overall well-being.
You’ve repeatedly communicated your boundaries, but the narcissist continues to violate them without remorse.
You’ve sought support from loved ones or professionals, and they encourage you to distance yourself from the narcissist.

Recognizing when to cut ties can be challenging, as narcissists often use manipulative tactics to keep you invested in the relationship. But it’s important to trust your instincts and prioritize your well-being.

"People that are narcissistic want things from you—they want your attention and your emotional reaction. They don’t care if that attention from you comes in the form of loving them or if it comes in the form of buying into their flagrant abusive behavior.

As long as all of your thoughts and emotions are geared toward them—they are happy—even it’s negative. For this reason, if you want to shut a narcissist down, you need to go no contact and give them zero attention and zero of your emotional reaction."

— Dr. Sherrie Campbell | Clinical Psychologist | Inspirational Speaker |  Author, But It’s Your Family: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

Limit Contact with the Narcissist

Reducing your interactions with a narcissist can significantly reduce the stress and emotional strain they may cause. Consider these actionable steps:

Saying “no” to requests or invitations that make you uncomfortable.
Decide on necessary levels of contact depending on contexts, like work or family occasions.
Plan your responses in advance to maintain control during necessary interactions.
Opt for communication methods that allow you control, such as texts or emails, rather than engaging in face-to-face encounters, which might lead to manipulation.

Remember, you have the right to set limits on your availability and engagement with the narcissist. Don’t feel guilty about prioritizing your own needs and well-being.

"Ignore the narcissist. This really gets under their skin because they view themselves as all-important. They would rather be hated than ignored. Their worst fear is being completely irrelevant.

When we ignore them and refuse to react and don't care anymore, they are deflated. Responding to their button-pushing in a calm manner will throw them off-center and annoy them."

— Ann Sharpsteen | Speaker | Author, How to Leave an Asshole: A Practical Guide on How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

Maintain a Calm Demeanor

When dealing with a narcissist, maintain a calm demeanor, even in the face of their provocative behavior. Narcissists like creating chaos and drama, and they often use emotional outbursts as a way to control and manipulate their victims.

Here are a few go-to phrases you can use:

“Let’s discuss this later.”
“I hear what you’re saying.”
“I’m not comfortable with this conversation.”
“I need a moment to think about this.”

Remaining calm helps you handle the situation better and sets a positive example for others around you. Keep your cool, and remember, you’re in control of your responses, even if you can’t control the narcissist’s behavior.

Seek Expert Guidance

Dealing with a narcissist can be overwhelming. That’s why seeking expert guidance from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can be helpful. These experts can provide insights, strategies, and support tailored to your specific situation.

You will gain a deeper understanding of narcissistic behavior and its impact on your life. They can help you recognize patterns, set boundaries, and develop coping mechanisms to protect your emotional well-being.

Additionally, a therapist can guide you through the process of healing from narcissistic abuse and rebuilding your self-esteem. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness because it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that you need support.

"Find a psychotherapist who is well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You will need a healthy support system to remind you that you are not crazy and to help you detach from this toxic dynamic."

— Christine Scott-Hudson, MA, LMFT, ATR | Licensed Psychotherapist | Marriage and Family Therapist | Owner, Create Your Life Studio

Build a Strong Support Network

Surrounding yourself with caring, understanding people who validate your experiences and feelings can provide a much-needed source of strength and encouragement during difficult times.

To build this support network, reach out to trusted friends and family members. You can also try joining a support group for individuals dealing with narcissistic relationships or participating in online forums or communities focused on narcissistic abuse recovery.

Having a solid support system can help you reduce feelings of isolation and remind you that you’re not alone in your struggles. It’s important to be selective about who you include in your support network, choosing people who are empathetic, non-judgmental, and wish for your well-being.

Detach from Their Behavior

One of the most effective strategies for shutting down a narcissist is to detach from their behavior. This means learning to separate yourself emotionally from their actions and reactions and focusing on your own well-being and goals.

Here are some phrases to help you detach from a narcissist’s behavior:

“Your words and actions are a reflection of you, not me.”
“I choose not to engage with this behavior.”
“I am not responsible for your happiness or success.”
“Your opinion of me does not define my self-worth.”

Remember, detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care about the person or the relationship. It simply means you’re prioritizing your own emotional health and refusing to let their toxic behavior control your life.

"People who are narcissistic are stubborn, want to fight, they want to go around and around on the never-ending Carousel, they "win" when whoever they are fighting with feels like the "crazy" person on the Carousel all night long.

If we do not engage, stay detached, and keep a safe distance from that Carousel, then the narcissistic person will give up and go on to other prey."

— Maryellen Dance, LMHC | Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Avoid Arguments and Debates

One of the most important things to remember when dealing with a narcissist is to avoid engaging in fruitless arguments. Narcissists like attention and drama, and they often use arguments as a way to assert their dominance and control.

Instead of getting sucked into pointless debates, try using phrases like:

“I understand you have a different perspective, but I respectfully disagree.”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing this further right now.”
“I’m not interested in arguing about this.”
“Let’s agree to disagree and move on.”

Your goal is to shut down the narcissist’s attempts to engage you in a power struggle, not to convince them that you’re right.

"Make calm, peaceful statements and then the crazy-making behavior and gaslighting on their side will stop... Keep talking calmly and then they can’t say why are you yelling? You’re so crazy? No one can target you if you step off the battlefield. 

Don’t argue. It’s pointless to try to prove your point. They’re baiting you and beating you if you fall in this trap."

— Mary Joye, MA, PA | Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Put Your Safety Above All

Narcissistic behavior can sometimes escalate to physical or emotional abuse, and it’s important to recognize the warning signs and take steps to protect yourself. If you feel unsafe or threatened in any way, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This might involve:

Contacting a domestic violence hotline or local support services.
Developing a safety plan with the help of a trusted friend or professional.
Documenting any incidents of abuse or harassment (more on that in the next section).
Seeking legal advice or assistance if necessary.
Removing yourself from the situation if possible.

Remember, your safety and well-being are always the top priority. Trust your instincts, and don’t downplay your concerns.

Document Narcissistic Interactions

Documenting these encounters provides you with concrete evidence of their behavior, which can be essential if you need to confront them, seek legal action, or validate your experiences.

Here are some tips for documenting narcissistic interactions:

Keep a journal or log of incidents, including dates, times, and any witnesses.
Save text messages, emails, or voicemails demonstrating abusive or manipulative behavior.
Take photos of any physical evidence, such as damaged property or injuries.
Record conversations or interactions if they are legal in your state (check your local laws first).

Enforce Consequences Consistently

Enforcing consequences means clearly stating that there are repercussions when those boundaries are crossed. Consistency in enforcing these consequences helps signal to the narcissist that you mean business and won’t tolerate their manipulative behavior.

The key is to choose realistic, proportionate, and easy consequences for you to follow through on. For example, if your partner repeatedly ignores your requests for respectful communication, you might end the conversation and leave the room until they can speak to you calmly.

Sticking to these consequences can be tough, especially if the narcissist tries to charm or guilt you into giving them another chance. But remember, consistency is the key. By enforcing consequences consistently, you reduce the narcissist’s ability to manipulate you.

Communicate with “I” Statements

Using “I” in conversations makes statements more about your feelings and reactions than accusatory. It also reduces the defensiveness in the conversation and keeps the focus on your experiences and perspectives.

For instance, instead of saying, “You don’t listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when my points aren’t acknowledged in our discussions.” This method involves structuring your phrases so that they are easier for the narcissist to hear and digest without feeling attacked.

By focusing on your own experiences and emotions, rather than attacking the narcissist’s character, you can communicate more effectively and reduce the risk of a defensive or hostile response.

"Use diplomacy and make statements when you have to speak with them
Never ask a question such as, "Why are you doing this to me" or "why are you being so mean?" The answer will always be some version of "It's your fault"

Again, they are baiting you. Make statements such as, "When you stop being cruel, I will speak with you." Calmness and diplomacy is the narcissist's enemy."

— Mary Joye, MA, PA | Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Refuse to Own Their Emotions

Narcissists are skilled at manipulating others’ emotions and shifting responsibility for their own feelings and actions. They may try to make you feel guilty, ashamed, or responsible for their happiness and well-being.

However, always remember that you are not responsible for a narcissist’s emotions or behavior—only they can control those things. Here are some phrases to help you refuse to own a narcissist’s emotions:

“I’m sorry you’re upset, but I’m not responsible for your feelings.”
“Your happiness is not my responsibility.”
“I can’t control how you feel about my decision.”
“I understand you’re angry, but I won’t accept blame for something I didn’t do.”

Focus on Solution-Oriented Thinking

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s easy to get bogged down in the problems and frustrations of their behavior. However, I’ve found that shifting your focus to solution-oriented thinking can be a game-changer in shutting down their manipulative tactics.

Instead of dwelling on the issues, try to direct your energy towards finding practical, actionable solutions. Here are some tips for cultivating a solution-oriented mindset:

Identify the specific problem or challenge you’re facing with the narcissist.
Brainstorm potential solutions or strategies for addressing the issue.
Consider the pros and cons of each option, and choose the one that aligns best with your goals and values.
Break down the solution into manageable steps and create a plan of action.
Celebrate your progress and successes along the way, no matter how small.

By focusing on solutions rather than problems, you can take back control of the situation and feel more empowered in your interactions with the narcissist.

"When dealing with a narcissist, every encounter must be thought of as a business deal. You always have to be two steps ahead of his thinking. You must be proactive, not reactive. You must make a plan and have a strategy.

To shut down a narcissist, you must perform the MAGIC, a formulaic approach disengages the power struggle:

MAGIC is to…

M – Map their Persona
A – Assess their fears and insecurities
G – Goal Set
I – Identify your words
C – Communicate"

— Lindsey Ellison | Relationship Coach | Author, MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist

Assert Yourself When Necessary

While it’s important to pick your battles when dealing with a narcissist, there will be times when asserting yourself is absolutely necessary.

The key to effective assertiveness is to communicate your message clearly, calmly, and confidently. Use “I” statements to express your thoughts and feelings, and avoid blaming or attacking the narcissist. For example:

“I need you to respect my privacy and knock before entering my room.”
“I feel disrespected when you interrupt me constantly. Please let me finish speaking.”
“I have the right to make my own decisions, even if you disagree with them.”

It’s also important to be prepared for pushback or resistance from the narcissist. They may try to argue, guilt-trip, or manipulate you into backing down. However, by staying firm in your convictions and reiterating your message calmly, you can assert your boundaries and protect your well-being.

"Call them out on their bad behavior. However, a note of caution is in order. They will become very angry when their bad behavior is exposed to others. However, if your objective is to end a relationship with a narcissist, consider this approach."

— Ann Sharpsteen | Speaker | Author, How to Leave an Asshole: A Practical Guide on How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

Master the “Grey Rock” Technique

One of my favorite strategies for shutting down a narcissist is the “grey rock” technique. This approach involves making yourself as uninteresting and unreactive as possible to the narcissist, becoming like a boring, grey rock.

What the “grey rock” technique looks like in practice:

Keeping your responses brief, neutral, and monotone.
Avoiding sharing personal information or opinions that the narcissist could use against you.
Redirecting the conversation to mundane topics like the weather or your grocery list.
Disengaging from arguments or debates by simply refusing to participate.
Maintaining a calm, unruffled demeanor, even in the face of provocation.

It’s important to note that the “grey rock” technique is not about being rude or dismissive. By becoming a less interesting target, you can minimize their impact on your life and emotional well-being.

Guard Personal Information

Narcissists are skilled at using sensitive details to manipulate, control, or even exploit their victims. They may twist your words, reveal your secrets, or use your vulnerabilities against you to maintain power in the relationship.

Avoid sharing details about your financial situation, relationship problems, health issues, or your deepest fears or insecurities. Instead, keep your conversations focused on neutral, superficial topics that don’t give the narcissist anything to use against you.

If you’ve already shared sensitive information with a narcissist, don’t beat yourself up—it’s a common mistake many of us have made. Instead, focus on setting clear boundaries around future disclosures and seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist to process any feelings.

Employ De-escalation Techniques

Narcissists often seek to provoke emotional reactions from their victims. When tensions run high, it’s essential to have de-escalation techniques in place to prevent the situation from spiraling out of control. Here are some strategies I’ve found effective:

Take a break: If you feel yourself getting emotionally triggered, excuse yourself from the conversation and take some deep breaths or go for a short walk to clear your head.
Use humor: Sometimes, a well-timed joke or lighthearted comment can diffuse tension and help you regain control of the situation.
Validate their feelings: While you don’t have to agree with the narcissist’s perspective, acknowledging their emotions (e.g., “I can see you’re feeling frustrated”) can help de-escalate the situation.
Redirect the conversation: To prevent further escalation, try steering the discussion towards a neutral, less emotionally charged topic.
Set a boundary: If the narcissist continues to push your buttons, calmly and firmly restate your boundaries and disengage from the conversation if necessary.

"Validate their greatness. Not in the overt way of saying how great they are. When they are discussing an event in which they feel wronged or they were accused of something, simply verify that they are better than that. 

I was working with a narcissistic client and he was all upset about how this receptionist treated him. I took this approach the following: "Well, let's take a look at how smart you are." 

Sometimes, you just have to play the game and yes people. The thing is, you are just saying yes to get what you want and not because you are necessarily agreeing with them. Therefore, you will have the upper hand in the situation and they won't even know it and no arguments will ensue."

— Dr. Tony Ortega | Clinical Psychologist | Author, #IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to Be With

Create a Plan for Future Encounters

Shutting down a narcissist often requires more than just one-time strategies—it involves ongoing planning and preparation for future encounters. Creating a proactive plan makes you feel more in control when navigating difficult interactions. Your plan might include:

Identifying your triggers and developing coping strategies to manage your emotional responses.
Scripting and practicing assertive responses to common manipulative tactics.
Establishing clear boundaries and consequences for boundary violations.
Designating a safe space or exit strategy for situations that feel unsafe or overwhelming.

By planning ahead, you will feel more confident and in control of the situation. This preparation ensures that you can handle confrontations more effectively, keeping your cool and not being caught off-guard.

Accept You Cannot Change Them

One of the hardest things about dealing with a narcissist is coming to terms with the fact that you cannot change them. No matter how much you love them, reason with them, or try to help them see the error of their ways, a true narcissist is unlikely to change their nature.

You may hold out hope that if you just say the right thing or do the right thing, the narcissist will finally see the light and change their behavior. But the truth is, real change has to come from within, and most narcissists lack self-awareness and motivation.

That’s why accepting that you cannot change a narcissist is an essential step in shutting them down and protecting yourself from further harm. Let go of the idea that things will get better if you just try harder and instead focus on what you can control—your own choices, boundaries, and well-being.

"When he has made his point, and you've made yours, and no agreement has been reached, stop engaging with him. 

For instance, after you tried the "I hear you" approach and told him you need to think about it, he might not be satisfied with your response. 

So, he might go to Defcon 2 and up the ante by name-calling or insulting. This is where you walk away and say nothing."

— Lindsey Ellison | Relationship Coach | Author, MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist

Prepare for Manipulation Attempts

As we’ve discussed throughout this article, narcissists are skilled manipulators who use a variety of tactics to control and exploit their victims. From gaslighting and love-bombing to projection and triangulation, their manipulative behaviors can be both subtle and overt.

One of the most important things you can do is to educate yourself about common manipulation tactics and red flags. This might include:

Love-bombing: Showering you affection and attention early in the relationship, only to withdraw it later.
Gaslighting: Denying or distorting reality to make you doubt your own perceptions and memories.
Projection: Accusing you of the very behaviors or intentions they are guilty of.
Triangulation: Pitting you against others or using third parties to control or manipulate you.
Guilt-tripping: Making you feel responsible for their emotions or actions.
Intermittent reinforcement: Alternating rewards and punishments to keep you off-balance and seeking their approval.

By familiarizing yourself with these tactics, you’ll be better equipped to spot them when they occur and take steps to protect yourself. This might involve setting clear boundaries, seeking support from others, or disengaging from the situation altogether.

Redirect to Safe Topics

When conversations starts going into sensitive or personal areas, steering them back to neutral ground can save your emotional energy and keep things civil. Safe topics are those that are unlikely to trigger emotional outbursts or manipulative tactics.

Some examples of safe topics might include neutral current events or news stories, shared interests or hobbies, upcoming plans or events, positive memories or experiences (as long as they don’t involve the narcissist’s past traumas or grievances), and light-hearted jokes or observations.

Of course, it’s not always possible to avoid sensitive topics entirely, especially if you have a close relationship with the narcissist. In these cases, make sure you have clear boundaries and exit strategies in place.

Listen Without Being Manipulated

Listening is helpful in any relationship, but when dealing with a narcissist, they use language and emotions to control and exploit their victims, often by twisting words, playing on sympathies, or gaslighting.

Here are some tips for listening without being manipulated:

Pay attention to actions, not just words. Narcissists are often charming and persuasive, but their behavior may not match their promises or apologies.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off or too good to be true, it probably is.
Ask clarifying questions. Don’t be afraid to probe deeper or request specific examples to back up the narcissist’s claims.
Set and maintain boundaries. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate certain behaviors or topics of discussion, and be prepared to end the conversation if necessary.
Seek outside perspectives. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist to get an objective view of the situation and your interactions with the narcissist.

More Insights from the Experts

“‘I hear you‘: A narcissist’s top agenda is always to be heard or seen. Being heard is a drug to him—he can never get enough, and should his supply run low, he will do anything to get his next fix.

So when you see your narcissist displaying child-like behavior such as a temper tantrum, incessant texting, or trying to get his way, try responding with, “I hear you,” and then repeat back to him exactly what you heard (or read).

“I hear you. You are concerned that if I take half of your 401K, I am not deserving of it because I didn’t work and chose to stay home with the children. I see how this upsets you. Let me think about that and get back to you.”
“I hear you. You are concerned that if my mother watches the children instead of having them in aftercare, you won’t have access to them on your days. I can see why this might be perceived as a problem. Let me talk with my mother about your concerns and get back to you.”

‘I trust that‘: Narcissists are notorious for being pathological liars. The more they lie, the more they believe their lie as a truth… In the past, you may have called your narcissist a liar out of frustration or anger. Naturally, this approach didn’t work because calling him a liar only threatens his false sense of self.

If you want something from him, you must appear to be playing along with his fictional narrative.

“I trust that we will co-parent through this.”
“I trust that your agreeing with me on this will show our son how much you support him.”
“I trust that you’ll drop the kids off on time because I know how punctual you like to be. Thank you.”

‘Everything is going to be okay‘: When narcissists don’t feel as if they’re in control, they get anxious, panicky, or hyper-focused on the issue at large. You might have once made the false assumption that you both will logically and rationally discuss the issue, only to find yourself back in his vortex.

Should a problem or concern arise, take a step back and observe his behavior. If the issue requires mutual problem-solving, the worst thing you can say is, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.” You’re just setting him up for another temper tantrum.

See him as a child and use the phrase, “Everything is going to be okay,” and then explain why all is under control. This isn’t a patronizing voice but one that is truly sincere. […]

“Everything is going to be okay. I realize you can’t attend our child’s doctor’s appointment, but I will take notes and text them to you the moment the appointment is finished.”
“Everything is going to be okay. We already agreed to 50/50 custody, so my taking the kids on a trip this weekend only means that you will gain a weekend another time.”

— Lindsey Ellison | Relationship Coach | Author, MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist

“When offering a suggestion to a narcissist, make them think it is their idea somehow. For example, you can say something like, “Would you consider trying this….” If you know this narcissist well enough, tie it back to something you know they love like.

A narcissist will never take a suggestion from someone else. They need to take the credit for this idea. Give them that opportunity by offering a suggestion instead of giving it to them or telling them to do something.”

— Dr. Tony Ortega | Clinical Psychologist | Author, #IsHeHereYet: Being the Person You Want to Be With

“If the above survival tactics fail, and going no contact is impossible, which it usually is, then limit your time with them to expand on the time you spend on yourself enjoying your life. I use this equation for my clients in Narcissistic abuse: Less exposure = More composure.”

— Mary Joye, MA, PA | Licensed Mental Health Counselor

“Cut off their supply. That means no contact with you. “Going no contact” is the term used to describe distancing yourself from a narcissist. Narcissists need continuous “supply” and to feed off the attention of others.

When they don’t have the attention they crave, they are starved for the very thing that sustains them. When you reject them, and they are alone, they will very quickly move on to find a supply in someone new.”

— Ann Sharpsteen | Speaker | Author, How to Leave an Asshole: A Practical Guide on How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship

“Ask for behavioral-based evidence supporting their claims. Because their behavior is not based on reality, the solution is to constantly question their claims, asking for examples that show they are the greatest.

The questions themselves will begin to bring the self-doubt to the surface even if he or she provides a response. […] Sometimes this leads to violence against themselves or others so be prepared.”

— Dave Popple, Ph.D. | President, Psynet Group

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

While it’s not impossible, having a healthy, balanced relationship with a narcissist is extremely difficult. Narcissists often prioritize their own needs and feelings over their partner’s, making mutual respect and compromise challenging.

What should I do if the narcissist becomes hostile or threatening?

If you feel unsafe or threatened, trust your instincts and protect yourself. This may involve creating a safety plan, documenting incidents, and seeking support from loved ones or professionals.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to local authorities or domestic violence resources if necessary.

Is it better to confront the narcissist or simply distance myself?

In most cases, it’s better to distance yourself and limit contact with the narcissist rather than attempting to confront or change their behavior.

Narcissists often respond defensively to criticism and may escalate the situation.

What if the narcissist is a family member or someone I can’t avoid entirely?

If you can’t completely cut ties with the narcissist, aim to minimize contact and set firm boundaries around your interactions. Communicate your limits calmly and assertively, and avoid engaging in arguments or emotional reactions.

What should I do if a narcissist tries to provoke me into an argument?

If a narcissist tries to provoke you, keep your responses neutral, and don’t take the bait. Making calm, peaceful statements and redirecting the conversation to neutral topics can prevent the argument from escalating.

What if I have to co-parent with a narcissist?

Co-parenting with a narcissist requires setting very strict boundaries and having clear, documented communication, often through text or email.

Court-mandated parenting plans and third-party communication services can also be instrumental in managing interactions.

Can therapy or counseling help a narcissist change their behavior?

While therapy can be beneficial for some individuals with narcissistic tendencies, true change requires significant self-awareness, motivation, and effort on the narcissist’s part.

Many narcissists are resistant to seeking help or admitting fault, making lasting change difficult. It’s important to focus on your own healing and well-being rather than trying to change the narcissist.

How can I heal and move forward after a relationship with a narcissist?

Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences.

Consider seeking therapy or joining a support group to process your emotions and develop healthy coping strategies. Remember that healing is possible.

Final Thoughts

I know that dealing with a narcissist is never easy. It can make you feel like you’re not good enough or like you’re going crazy. But I want you to know that you’re not alone, and you have the strength to overcome this.

You can’t change the narcissist, but you can change how you react to them. Focus on taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and surrounding yourself with people who love and support you.

The key here is finding balance—knowing when to walk away and when to hold your ground while keeping your peace. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion—never settle for less.