23 Signs You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship + How to Stop

We all want happy and healthy relationships, but sometimes, without even realizing it, we do things that hurt our chances of having one.

Self-sabotaging behaviors can quietly erode the bond we share with the people we love most. These actions often come from our own fears or insecurities and can cause more harm than we might think.

If you’ve ever wondered why your relationship feels stuck or why conflicts keep coming up, it could be because of self-sabotaging behaviors. These actions can creep in without us even noticing, often driven by fear, insecurity, or past experiences.

In this article, we’ll uncover the most common self-sabotaging behaviors in relationships, explore why we fall into these traps, and, more importantly, how to break these cycles.

You Find It Hard to Trust Your Partner

If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner, it might be a sign you’re unintentionally stirring up some trouble in your relationship. Having trust issues makes you a bad person—we all carry some baggage from past experiences. But, when mistrust becomes a recurring theme, it creates a barrier.

Often, this lack of trust manifests in various ways: questioning their motives, second-guessing their truths, or even feeling uneasy about their commitments. This isn’t just exhausting for you; it’s pretty tough on them too. They might feel they’re always under the microscope, which can lead to tension and distance.

Sometimes, the issue isn’t about your partner at all but rather unresolved issues from your past. Addressing this head-on can be the first step toward building a healthier, more trusting relationship.

You Engage in Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the hardest things to bounce back from because it strikes a blow to the core elements of a healthy partnership: trust and commitment.

When you engage in infidelity, whether it’s emotional or physical, you’re breaking the trust that your relationship is built on. You might think it’s just a fling or something that won’t have long-term consequences, but even small breaches of trust can lead to significant damage.

Addressing why you felt compelled to look elsewhere can unearth some uncomfortable truths about your needs and desires. Are they not being met? Why? These are tough questions with even tougher answers. But they’re worth exploring if you’re serious about understanding the roots of your actions.

You Avoid Difficult Conversations

Let’s be real: no one loves tough talk. It can feel way easier to sweep things under the rug than to tackle them head-on.

Avoiding tough talks often comes from a place of fear. Maybe you’re scared of conflict, worried about the outcome, or perhaps you fear that you won’t be able to handle the emotional intensity. Whatever the case, the avoidance can create a barrier so strong that it keeps your relationship from growing.

For example, if you feel hurt by something your partner did but never voice it, they won’t know how you feel or have the opportunity to make things right. Over time, these unspoken issues pile up, creating a mountain out of what could have been a small hill.

Starting to tackle these issues doesn’t have to be a dive into the deep end. You could start small, acknowledge the discomfort, and remind each other that the goal is understanding and improvement, not winning an argument.

You Expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind

We often think that if someone truly loves us, they should just “know” what we want or how we feel. But let’s be real—none of us are mind readers. When you expect your partner to magically understand your thoughts or feelings without you expressing them, you’re setting both of you up for frustration and disappointment.

This mindset often leads to situations where one partner feels neglected or misunderstood while the other feels confused or accused of not caring enough. It’s a classic setup for miscommunication.

If you’re feeling something, say it. If you need something, ask for it. When you openly share your thoughts and needs, you give your partner a fair chance to meet them. This doesn’t mean they’ll always get it right, but it does open the door to a healthier dialogue.

You Give the Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior in which one partner tries to punish the other without verbal expression. It’s a nonverbal standoff in which the message is clear: “I’m upset with you, but I won’t tell you why.”

Breaking the habit of giving the silent treatment means recognizing it for what it is—a defense mechanism. Instead of shutting down, try to express why you’re upset, even if it feels difficult.

Start small if you need to. A simple “I’m not ready to talk right now, but I will be soon” can make a big difference. It shows your partner that you’re not shutting them out completely, just taking a moment to gather your thoughts.

You Refuse to Compromise

Relationships thrive on balance and give-and-take. When you’re unwilling to meet your partner halfway, it’s like saying, “My way or the highway,” which isn’t exactly a recipe for harmony or mutual respect.

Compromise doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your values or surrendering, but rather finding a middle ground where both partners can feel satisfied with the outcome. It shows a commitment to the relationship above individual desires.

It’s about give-and-take. Maybe you alternate decisions or find a third option neither of you had considered. Remember, the goal is to build a life together, not apart. Showing a willingness to bend a little can make your relationship stronger and more resilient.

You Refuse to Apologize Even When You Are Wrong

Admitting you’re wrong isn’t just about saying “I’m sorry”—it’s also about acknowledging that your actions have impacted someone else, especially someone you care about.

When you refuse to apologize, it can make your partner feel undervalued and unheard. This refusal can stem from pride, stubbornness, or even fear of appearing weak.

However, apologizing is actually a sign of strength and maturity. It shows you’re capable of self-reflection and big enough to admit mistakes. An authentic apology can bridge gaps and heal wounds, paving the way for forgiveness and a stronger bond.

Sometimes, saying sorry is the bravest thing you can do.

You Blame Your Partner for Everything That Goes Wrong

Blame can be toxic in a relationship because it often leaves little room for understanding and growth. When you blame your partner for everything that goes wrong, it creates an environment of defensiveness and resentment.

This approach can prevent both of you from seeing the full picture and addressing the root causes of problems. Blame shifts focus from solving the issue to defending personal turf, which rarely leads to a constructive outcome.

Instead, try to approach problems with the mindset of “us against the issue” rather than “me against you.” This shift can help both partners feel supported and understood, making it easier to work together towards a solution rather than driving a wedge between them.

You Isolate Yourself from Your Partner

When you pull away emotionally or physically, you’re creating distance that can be hard to bridge. It’s like putting up a wall between you and your partner, leaving them feeling shut out and disconnected.

This isolation can happen gradually, often without you even realizing it, as you retreat into your own world to avoid dealing with issues or to protect yourself from getting hurt.

• You spend more time alone or with friends instead of with your partner.
• You avoid talking about your day or sharing your thoughts and feelings.
• You choose to sleep in separate rooms after a disagreement.

It’s important to recognize why you’re isolating yourself. Are you afraid of conflict? Do you feel overwhelmed by emotions? Identifying the root cause can help you address it more effectively.

You Keep Score of Mistakes

When you keep score, it implies that the relationship is contingent on a tally of rights and wrongs rather than unconditional support and love. This can create a hostile environment where each partner feels they have to constantly defend themselves or one-up the other.

• You remember every time your partner forgot something important, like an anniversary or a promise.
• You mentally note every time you had to pick up the slack around the house.
• You keep track of every argument you “won” or every apology your partner “owes” you.

This kind of behavior makes it hard to move on from past issues, causing resentment to build. It also prevents you from seeing your partner’s positive efforts because you’re too focused on the negatives.

Instead of keeping score, try to practice forgiveness and appreciation. Remember the things your partner does right and give them credit for their efforts. If something is truly bothering you, address it directly instead of letting it add to the list of grievances.

You Set Unrealistic Expectations

Setting unrealistic expectations in a relationship can be like setting a bar so high that neither you nor your partner can reach it. These expectations often stem from idealized notions of love, influenced by movies, books, or even social media.

Such lofty standards can lead to frequent disappointments, where your partner feels constantly under scrutiny and unable to meet your demands. It’s important to reflect on whether these expectations are truly fair or if they’re more about your ideal vision of a partner rather than the person in front of you.

Understanding that both of you are human, with flaws and limitations, can help you set more realistic, achievable expectations that contribute to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

You Constantly Criticize Your Partner

Constant criticism can wear down even the strongest of bonds. It’s one thing to offer constructive feedback, but it’s another to constantly find fault with your partner’s actions or choices.

Criticism, when not balanced with positive reinforcement, can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and an increase in resentment.

It’s crucial to check how you deliver your concerns: Are they wrapped in kindness and a genuine desire for improvement? Or are they harsh judgments that chip away at your partner’s self-worth?

Balancing your critical insights with acknowledgment of what your partner does well can change the tone of your interactions. Try to practice more appreciation and less fault-finding—it might just make all the difference.

Related: How to Stop Being Critical of Others?

You Dismiss Your Partner’s Emotions and Needs

When you brush off their feelings or ignore their needs, you’re sending the message that their experiences aren’t important to you. This behavior can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust, as your partner may begin to feel isolated, unheard, and unvalued in the relationship.

It’s important to actively listen to your partner and validate their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them. A simple acknowledgment, like “I see that this is important to you,” can go a long way in making your partner feel heard and supported.

You Show Jealousy Unreasonably

Unreasonable jealousy isn’t just about feeling insecure—it’s about letting those insecurities take the wheel, often leading to possessive or controlling behaviors. This can feel suffocating for your partner, who might feel they’re constantly being doubted or surveilled.

Communicating openly about your feelings can help. It allows your partner to understand where you’re coming from and reassures you of their commitment, helping to ease those pangs of jealousy.

Remember, a little jealousy is natural, but when it starts dictating how you interact and trust each other, it’s time to address the underlying issues.

Related: Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships?

You Do Things to Purposefully Hurt Your Partner

Acting in ways that you know will hurt your partner is a serious red flag in any relationship. This behavior is often a sign of deeper issues, whether it’s unresolved anger, hurt, or a desire for control. It can manifest as spiteful comments, actions meant to provoke, or even emotional withdrawal at critical moments.

These behaviors might give you a momentary sense of satisfaction or control, but they ultimately erode trust and intimacy. When you hurt your partner on purpose, it creates an emotional wound that can take a long time to heal.

If you notice yourself engaging in these behaviors, pause and reflect on why you’re doing it. Are you reacting out of pain, frustration, or a desire for control?

Remember, a healthy relationship is built on kindness, empathy, and understanding. Hurting your partner intentionally only serves to weaken these foundations.

You Prioritize Work or Hobbies Over Quality Time

When you don’t make time for your partner, it’s easy for them to feel like they’re always second to everything else in your life. This can lead to feelings of resentment, loneliness, and a lack of emotional intimacy.

To avoid this pitfall, make a conscious effort to prioritize your partner and your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to give up your passions or your work—it’s about finding a balance that allows for both.

Schedule regular date nights, make time for daily check-ins, and look for ways to include your partner in your interests. Remember, quality time doesn’t have to be grand gestures—it can be as simple as a walk together, a shared meal, or just talking about your day.

You Neglect Small Gestures of Love and Appreciation

It’s the little things that often make the biggest difference in relationships.

Small gestures of love and appreciation, like a thoughtful note, a quick check-in call, or a simple “thank you,” can significantly enhance the sense of being valued and loved in a relationship. When these gestures are neglected, it can make your partner feel taken for granted or invisible.

This neglect doesn’t necessarily come from a place of malice but often from complacency or being overly comfortable in the relationship. However, the impact remains the same—it chips away at the affection and closeness you share.

Reintroducing these small acts of kindness can rejuvenate the relationship and show your partner that they are indeed a cherished priority in your life.

You Are Looking for Ways Out of the Relationship

This behavior is perhaps the most definitive sign that you’re sabotaging your relationship, whether consciously or subconsciously.

When you’re preoccupied with thoughts of leaving, you’re not fully present in your relationship. This can cause a lack of effort and enthusiasm, making your partner feel like you’re not interested in building a future together.

Sometimes, this realization can lead to a constructive conversation about whether the relationship can adapt to meet both partners’ needs or if parting ways might indeed be the healthiest choice.

You Don’t Respect Their Boundaries

When boundaries are repeatedly crossed, it can make your partner feel disrespected and unsafe, leading to a breakdown in trust and communication.

This disrespect might manifest in various ways—overstepping privacy limits, pushing for things they’ve expressed discomfort with, or disregarding their need for personal time.

It’s important to understand and honor the lines your partner draws. Checking in with your partner about their boundaries, and genuinely respecting them, can help your relationship grow stronger and more trusting.

You Are Acting Like the Victim

When things go wrong, it’s easy to play the victim. If you’re always saying, “This always happens to me!” or “You never consider my feelings!” without acknowledging your own role in situations, you’re playing the victim.

This stance can make it hard for your partner to feel seen and heard. After all, if everything is always your fault, where does that leave them? It’s a one-sided view that prevents real understanding and resolution.

Plus, it can be exhausting for your partner to navigate, feeling like they have to tiptoe around your feelings all the time.

You Compare Your Relationship to Others

Comparing your relationship to others can be a slippery slope that can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. It’s easy to look at other couples and think, “Why isn’t my relationship like that?” or “We should be happier, like them.”

However, this mindset overlooks the uniqueness of your own relationship and the fact that every couple has their own struggles, which aren’t always visible from the outside.

You Feel Unworthy of Love

When you believe that you’re not deserving of your partner’s love, it’s easy to start sabotaging the relationship, often without even realizing it. This feeling can stem from past experiences, self-esteem issues, or negative self-talk, making you doubt your worthiness and pushing you to act in ways that create distance instead of closeness.

When you feel unworthy, you might unconsciously test your partner to see if they really cares or pull away to protect yourself from potential rejection. This puts a strain on your partner, who may feel like they’re walking on eggshells or constantly needing to prove their love.

Addressing these feelings often requires personal reflection and sometimes professional help, like therapy. Remember, recognizing your worth is the first step towards accepting the love and affection your partner is eager to share with you.

You Often Talk About Past Relationships

Constantly bringing up past relationships can strain your current one, making your partner feel like they’re in perpetual competition with ghosts from your past. This can lead to feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or even resentment.

This behavior can stem from unresolved feelings or simply from a habit of comparison. However, it’s crucial to focus on the present and future with your partner rather than dwelling on what has been. Rehashing old stories can prevent you from fully committing to and appreciating the relationship you are in now.

If past relationships are still taking up significant mental and emotional space, it might be helpful to explore why. Sometimes, discussing these feelings with a therapist or counselor can provide clarity and help you move forward more focused on the present.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships

• Identify Your Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
  
  The first step in making any change is awareness. Take an honest look at your relationship dynamics and identify patterns that may be harmful. Are you constantly avoiding difficult conversations? Do you find yourself getting jealous for no real reason? Identifying these behaviors is the first step to changing them.
  
• Pinpoint the Root Cause
  
  Understanding why you engage in self-sabotage is next. Are these behaviors stemming from past relationships, low self-esteem, or fear of vulnerability? Pinpointing the root cause can help you address the underlying issues.
  
• Learn to Let Go of the Past
  
  Holding onto past hurts can cloud your judgment and affect your current relationship. Learning to let go is a vital step towards healing and moving forward. This might involve forgiveness (of both yourself and others) and the acceptance that the past cannot be changed—only learned from.
  
• Focus on Self-Improvement
  
  Self-improvement is about becoming the best version of yourself, not just for your partner but for you. Engage in activities that boost your confidence and self-worth. This could be through hobbies, education, fitness, or anything else that enriches your life and makes you feel good about yourself.
  
• Work on Your Attachment Style
  
  Your attachment style influences how you relate to others in relationships. Understanding your attachment style can lead to healthier interactions with your partner. Consider reading up on attachment theory or working with a therapist to explore this further.
  
  Related: The 4 Different Types of Attachment Styles
  
• Learn Your Triggers
  
  Identifying what triggers your self-sabotaging behaviors can help you manage them better. These triggers could be certain words, actions, or even specific situations that evoke strong emotional responses. Once you know your triggers, you can work on strategies to deal with them constructively.
  
• Communicate Openly and Honestly
  
  Open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Share your feelings, fears, and concerns with your partner. Honest conversations can help strengthen your connection and reduce the need for self-sabotaging behaviors.
  
• Develop Your Own Social Support System
  
  Having a strong network of friends and family can provide emotional support outside your relationship. This support can help you feel more secure and less dependent on your partner for all your emotional needs.
  
• Talk to a Therapist
  
  Sometimes, the best way to work through deep-seated issues is with the help of a professional. A therapist can offer insights and strategies that you might not have considered and can guide you through the process of changing your behavior patterns in a structured, supportive way.

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Final Thoughts

Remember that breaking the cycle of self-sabotage in relationships starts with you. It’s about being honest with yourself and open to change. Every step you take towards understanding and altering your behaviors can lead to a more loving and fulfilling partnership.

Whether you choose to talk things out with your partner, seek help from a therapist, or simply start by being kinder to yourself, each effort counts. You have the power to shape your relationship’s future.

So, why not start today? Your happiness and the health of your relationship are worth it!