Let’s be honest: Feeling unlovable is awful. It’s like having a constant voice in your head saying you’re not good enough and don’t deserve love. It’s tiring, but don’t worry — we can work this out together.
In this article, we’ll look at why you might feel this way and share steps to help you cope. Seeing your own value is definitely possible. By the end, you’ll realize that you are absolutely capable of being loved and worthy of love.
Table of Contents
- Childhood Emotional Neglect
- Low Self-Esteem
- Unresolved Trauma
- Negative Self-Talk and Beliefs
- Lack of Self-Compassion
- History of Toxic Relationships
- Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
- Lack of Self-Acceptance
- Perfectionism and Self-Criticism
- Feeling Undeserving of Love
- Difficulty Trusting Others
- Comparing Yourself to Others
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries
- Seeking External Validation
- Holding Onto Past Hurts
- Difficulty Forgiving Yourself
- Lack of Self-Care and Self-Nurturing
- Unmet Emotional Needs
- Fear of Vulnerability
- Feeling Disconnected From Others
- Struggling With Self-Identity
- Fear of Intimacy
- Feeling Like a Burden to Others
- Difficulty Accepting Love and Support
- Feeling Unworthy of Happiness
- Fear of Being Alone
- Struggling With Self-Doubt
- Difficulty Expressing Emotions
- Experiences of Bullying or Social Rejection
- Lack of Positive Role Models or Support Systems
- Excerpts From the Experts
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Final Thoughts
Childhood Emotional Neglect
When you’re a kid, your feelings need to be noticed and cared for. If this didn’t happen for you, it might be called childhood emotional neglect. This kind of neglect can make you believe your feelings are not important.
For instance, think of a time when you were sad, but nobody asked why. This might lead you to believe your sadness isn’t important.
Later in life, this can lead you to think you aren’t worthy of love. But that’s not true; your feelings and you are important.
"The core belief that 'I am unlovable' again, formed in childhood, could have been formed by many different childhood experiences and most likely was not formed by just one experience but many that only reinforced and galvanized that belief in a young mind."
— Bethany Webb, LCSW-C | Private Practice Owner and Anxiety Therapist, Grounded Roots Therapy and Consulting, LLC
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem makes you feel like you’re not good enough. This can come from you comparing yourself to others and thinking you fall short. It might stop you from:
- Trying new things.
- Meeting new people.
Sometimes, you might think that you don’t have anything special about you. But everyone has something they’re great at, including you!
Remember, you are enough just as you are. Your worth isn’t based on what you do or don’t do.
"Borderline personality disorder tends to include wide vacillations in mood and difficulty maintaining stable relationships. However, it also often involves a negative perception of the self and, in particular, feelings of being unlovable."
— Dr. Krista Jordan, PhD | Board Certified Clinical Psychologist | Writer, Choosing Therapy
Unresolved Trauma
Unresolved trauma is when you have painful stuff from the past that you haven’t dealt with. It can make you feel like there’s a guard up around your heart.
This can make love and friendships hard. It’s not your fault you have this trauma. And it doesn’t mean you can’t be loved or love others.
Example: After a really bad breakup, you might have trouble trusting someone new. You might even push people away without meaning to.
"A particularly tough breakup can lead you to believe that no one else will love you ever again. It can even cause depression. The heartbreak and loneliness that can sometimes follow a breakup have the potential to affect how some people view themselves."
— Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC | Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director, Mind By Design
Negative Self-Talk and Beliefs
Talking to yourself in a bad way can make you feel unlovable. If you keep thinking you’re not good enough, eventually, you might start to believe it.
This negative talk can come from doubts or past failures. It can really drag you down. It’s like having a critical voice in your head that won’t shut up.
This can appear as the following:
- You always focus on your flaws.
- You second-guess yourself a lot.
- You have trouble accepting compliments.
"People who feel unlovable often talk to themselves in a very negative way, such as 'I'm such an idiot' or 'Gosh, I'm so fat.' Replacing these negative and hurtful statements with more loving ones can go a long way toward changing expectations of how others see us."
— Dr. Krista Jordan, PhD | Board Certified Clinical Psychologist | Writer, Choosing Therapy
Lack of Self-Compassion
Not being kind to yourself can make you feel unlovable. When you’re hard on yourself, you don’t give yourself the same kindness you’d give to others.
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care and understanding during tough times as you would a good buddy. It’s really important to feel okay about yourself. Without it, you might be your own harshest critic.
What you can do: Next time you’re feeling down, ask yourself what you’d do for a friend in your situation. Do that for yourself.
History of Toxic Relationships
Having bad relationships in the past can make you feel unlovable now. If you’ve been around people who treated you poorly, it’s easy to think you don’t deserve better. These kinds of relationships can make you doubt your worth.
It’s hard to feel lovable when you’re used to being put down or mistreated. But the truth is, how someone treats you says more about them than it does about you.
Here are some examples:
- You might stay in a relationship even when it’s harmful, thinking you don’t deserve better.
- You push people away because you’re scared of getting hurt again.
"Holding a victim mentality can produce many maladaptive thoughts and behaviors, including being in a constant state of vigilance, becoming passive, and responding to small or imagined slights with suspicion, anger, and frustration. This is often caused by parents who are aggressive, vindictive, and rejecting."
— Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC | Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director, Mind By Design
Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
Being scared of rejection and abandonment can make you feel unlovable. This fear can stop you from getting close to people because you think they’ll just leave you in the end. It might make you avoid relationships or not ask for what you need in them.
It’s tough because everyone needs to feel connected, but this fear can keep you alone. And let’s be real, nobody wants to feel left out or ditched.
Becoming okay with the possibility of rejection takes practice. It might feel scary, but it really does get easier.
Lack of Self-Acceptance
Lack of self-acceptance might include:
- Your personality
- Your body
- Your choices
- Your past
If you’re constantly wishing you were different, it’s tough to feel worthwhile or lovable. This often results in feeling disconnected from yourself and unsure about your place in the world.
However, remember that being different is what makes you, well, you — and that’s a good thing. Nobody is perfect, including the people you think are “perfect.” Learning to be okay with all parts of yourself is key to feeling more lovable.
Perfectionism and Self-Criticism
When you’re always trying to be perfect and beat yourself up over the smallest things, that’s perfectionism and self-criticism at play. This can lead you to believe that you need to be flawless to be loved.
You might not try things unless you know you can do them perfectly. This can keep you from having fun or feeling good about what you do manage to do. Trust me, nobody is perfect, not even those who seem like they are.
Feeling Undeserving of Love
Sometimes, people think they’re not good enough for love. It’s like there’s this voice in your head saying you’re not worth someone’s time or affection. This feeling can be a heavy weight, making it hard to accept love when it comes your way.
You might push people away or not try to get close, to begin with. But here’s the thing: everyone deserves love, including you.
For instance, you might brush off someone saying they love you, thinking they don’t mean it. Or, you could end a relationship because it feels too good to be true.
Difficulty Trusting Others
Having a hard time trusting people can make relationships tough. You might always be on the lookout for signs that someone will let you down. It’s like having a wall up that stops you from really connecting.
This can come from past hurt or betrayal, and it’s not easy to just “get over.” But without trust, it’s hard to feel truly close to anyone.
You will most likely:
- Question others’ motives.
- Keep your guard up.
- Have trouble sharing personal info.
Comparing Yourself to Others
Looking at others and thinking they have it all can make you feel less than. You see their successes and think you’re not doing as well. It can feel like everyone’s ahead, and you’re just trying to keep up.
This comparing game can make you miss out on the good things you have going for you. And honestly, most people are too busy with their own stuff to be the perfect picture they paint online or in person.
What you can do: Focus on what’s good in your life, no matter how small. Congratulate yourself for the progress you’ve made.
"Known as social comparison, you may contrast yourself with others, which many people tend to do... People who compare themselves to those they believe are better than them can come to feel worse about themselves... Frequently engaging in negative social comparison can make you feel bad about yourself, even if you are not unlovable."
— Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC | Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director, Mind By Design
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Not being able to set boundaries can leave you feeling stepped on. It’s like you’re always saying “yes” to others and “no” to yourself. You might worry that if you tell someone “no,” they won’t like you anymore.
This can lead to feeling used and not respecting your own needs. But your needs are important, and setting boundaries is about taking care of you!
Start practicing saying “no” to small things. Notice how it doesn’t make people like you any less. Having clear boundaries is actually a way to show self-love — it’s saying “I matter.”
Seeking External Validation
Seeking external validation means you rely on others to feel good about yourself. When you always look for approval from others, you might never feel truly satisfied. This can lead to feeling unlovable because you don’t trust your own worth.
Constantly needing validation can be exhausting. It’s important to find validation from within.
Try this: Give yourself some credit for what you do well. Keep track of things you’re proud of, no matter how small.
"While many people think of narcissistic personalities as being overly confident, in fact, deep down, they have tremendous self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness. This is what propels them to seek out external validation on a constant and exaggerated basis."
— Dr. Krista Jordan, PhD | Board Certified Clinical Psychologist | Writer, Choosing Therapy
Holding Onto Past Hurts
Letting past hurts hang around can weigh you down and really make you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes, you might think about old pain, and it feels as bad as when it happened.
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Letting go is tough, but holding on can keep you feeling stuck and unlovable. Remember, you deserve to let go and to feel happy. For instance, talk to someone who understands those past hurts. Work on forgiving yourself and others who’ve hurt you.
Difficulty Forgiving Yourself
Finding it hard to forgive yourself is when you keep beating yourself up for past mistakes. This can stop you from seeing how good you really are. It might look like:
- Dwelling on things you wish you had done differently.
- Feeling guilty all the time, even for small mistakes.
- Believing that your mistakes define who you are.
Try to talk yourself through it like you’d talk a friend down if they were upset with themselves. It’s important to know that everyone messes up sometimes; it’s part of being human.
Lack of Self-Care and Self-Nurturing
Not taking care of yourself can leave you feeling run-down and, yes, unlovable. It’s like you’re always last on your to-do list.
Maybe you skip meals, don’t get enough sleep, or always put others’ needs before your own. This can make it hard to feel good about yourself. Remember, it’s not selfish to take care of you — it’s necessary.
What to do: Set aside time each day to do something just for you, even if it’s just 15 minutes. Pay attention to what your body and mind need and act on it.
Unmet Emotional Needs
When your emotional needs aren’t met, feeling lovable can be really tough. Emotional needs are like food for your heart; without them, you start to feel empty inside. These needs can be things like:
- Feeling heard
- Feeling understood
- Feeling appreciated
If your needs are not being met, you might feel unimportant and question whether you’re worthy of love. But your needs are important, and it’s okay to ask for them to be met.
Fear of Vulnerability
It might feel safer to keep your guard up than to risk being hurt. This fear might stop you from opening up and sharing what’s really going on inside with others.
When you hide your true feelings, it can be hard for others to get close to you. But being vulnerable is also the way that deep connections are made.
You can try this: Open up about small things first and see if it’s usually okay. Let a trusted friend know that you’d like to share more but find it difficult.
Feeling Disconnected From Others
When you don’t feel connected to people, it’s easy to feel unlovable. Maybe you’re around people, but things just don’t click. This might make you wonder if there’s something wrong with you.
You’re not weird or odd for feeling disconnected; everyone feels that way at some point. Remember, sometimes it’s about finding the right people, not changing who you are. Stay open to meeting new people; your next best friend might be around the corner.
Struggling With Self-Identity
You might be questioning things like:
- What you like.
- What you believe.
- Even your purpose.
Without a solid sense of self, you can feel lost, or like you’re just blending into the background. Start spending some time thinking about things you love, no matter what others think. Try new activities that interest you, just for the fun of it.
Fear of Intimacy
Having a fear of intimacy can make getting close to someone feel frightening. You might shy away from deep relationships because they seem too risky. This fear can make you feel isolated and prevent you from forming the loving connections you actually want.
Feeling comfortable with intimacy often starts with feeling comfortable with yourself. Keep in mind that not everyone is out to hurt you—many people value and respect your boundaries.
Feeling Like a Burden to Others
Feeling like a burden to others occurs when you believe that your problems, needs, or presence negatively impact other people’s lives. This is a common feeling among those who struggle with self-worth and can deeply affect how lovable you feel.
This perception can lead you to withdraw from others, refuse help, or apologize excessively, which reinforces the feeling of being a nuisance rather than a valued friend or loved one.
Remember: You are not a burden. Your needs are as important as anyone else’s. People who care about you are usually more than willing and happy to offer support.
Difficulty Accepting Love and Support
If you have a hard time accepting love and support, you might brush off kind gestures or compliments. Maybe you’re not used to getting this kind of positive attention. It can make you uncomfortable or even suspicious, like, “What do they really want?”
Learning to accept love and support usually starts with feeling like you deserve it. And trust me, you do deserve it—everyone does.
Practice just saying thank you when someone gives you a compliment. Allow yourself to believe that you’re worthy of kindness.
Feeling Unworthy of Happiness
Sometimes, you might catch yourself thinking you don’t deserve to be happy. This thought can be a real downer, making every good moment feel like it wasn’t meant for you. It might even stop you from chasing the things that would make you smile.
For instance, you win a prize, but instead of feeling excited, you feel like you haven’t earned it. You’re quick to downplay it, even to yourself.
It’s a tough spot to be in, feeling like happiness is something you can’t have. But guess what? Happiness is a personal thing, and it looks different for everyone. Start noticing what makes you happy, and give yourself more of that.
Fear of Being Alone
Worrying about being alone can feel super scary. You might stick with people or situations that aren’t good for you just to avoid being by yourself. Being alone might make you feel like you’re not loved or wanted.
But being alone doesn’t always mean you’re lonely—you can be your own great company. Remember, being alone can be a time to get to know yourself better. It’s okay to enjoy solitude; it doesn’t mean you’re forgotten. And who knows better what you love than you?
Struggling With Self-Doubt
Struggling with self-doubt means frequently questioning your:
- Decisions
- Abilities
- Worth
This can paralyze you, make you hesitant to take risks or assert yourself, and can deeply affect your sense of being lovable and competent.
Self-doubt often comes from a fear of failure or from internalizing negative feedback or experiences. Overcoming this challenge involves building confidence and learning to trust your own judgment and capabilities.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions
Having trouble showing how you feel can be pretty confusing for you and the people around you. It’s like having a lot of different apps open in your head, but none of them are working right.
You might be feeling lots of stuff on the inside, but on the outside, you seem calm or even cold. This can make it harder for others to connect with you.
What to do: Try writing down your feelings if saying them out loud is too hard. Practice sharing your emotions with someone safe, like a family member or close friend.
Experiences of Bullying or Social Rejection
Experiences of bullying or social rejection can have a profound impact on your self-image and feelings of worthiness. This might look like:
- Thinking there must be something wrong with you because you were treated badly.
- Reluctance to engage in new social opportunities.
- Finding it hard to feel good about yourself after being put down so much.
This might lead you to expect rejection in other areas of life, affecting your ability to form healthy relationships. Healing from these wounds is crucial for building a positive self-image and feeling lovable.
Lack of Positive Role Models or Support Systems
Growing up without someone to look up to or without a support system can make adulthood trickier. It’s like trying to do a tough job without the right tools. You might not have had examples of how to deal with problems or how to love yourself.
This can leave you feeling a bit lost at times. Everybody needs help now and then, and it’s totally okay to look for that help on your own.
Try this: Seek out mentors or people you admire who can provide guidance and encouragement. Join groups—online or in real life—that foster positive growth and community.
Excerpts From the Experts
“Growing up without sufficient validation and attunement can easily lead a person to believe that they are unlovable. The first people to show us that we matter and to invest in us are typically our caregivers.
If they were consistently unable to provide us with a sense of being loved and cherished, it only stands to reason that we will worry that no one else will feel that way towards us either.
The reality, of course, is that our parents were just two people on a planet of 8 billion, so they are not necessarily representative of what is available once we leave our homes.
However, since early experiences make such a deep impression on us, it usually takes doing some deep therapy work to heal from developmental trauma.”
— Dr. Krista Jordan, PhD | Board Certified Clinical Psychologist | Writer, Choosing Therapy
“Maybe you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents or emotionally immature parents, and thus, your basic human needs of connection were not met.
As children, to survive, we must connect with our caregivers, so if we have caregivers who are emotionally immature, abusive, or unavailable, the mind of the child will not allow the blame to be put on the caregiver.
The mind of the child instead finds the solution of blaming oneself. And thus, the core belief ‘I am unlovable’ is created.”
— Bethany Webb, LCSW-C | Private Practice Owner and Anxiety Therapist, Grounded Roots Therapy and Consulting, LLC
“Some people with an unhealthy but inaccurate view of themselves often assume that others think about them the way they do about themselves.
Many people with poor self-esteem lack self-confidence, are full of self-doubt, and engage in negative self-talk. Examples of negative self-talk include statements such as ‘I’m so stupid!’ or ‘I can never do anything right.’
… If you are someone who has the proclivity to engage in negative self-talk, you may find yourself feeling as if you are unlovable—a terrible thing to tell yourself.”
“Ways to cope with feeling unlovable include raising your self-esteem. This can include giving yourself credit for your talents, achievements, skills, etc.
… Instead of thinking you are stupid or incompetent, the next time you make a minor mistake, consider why it may not be the major blunder you feel it is.
You could tell yourself, ‘Everyone makes mistakes,‘ or ‘I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone else. That’s okay.’“
— Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC | Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director, Mind By Design
“The message you constantly receive within abusive relationships is that you are unloveable in the form of both direct and indirect language and behaviors.
This can cause a cyclical nature of thought: ‘I am unlovable. This person treats me like I’m unlovable. Therefore, I must be unlovable’… You don’t deserve that treatment, and making you feel unlovable is a tactic they use to keep you in their abusive loop.
- Therapy can help you to evaluate your circumstances, feelings, and behaviors in a safe and non-judgmental environment. Find a support group for your specific experience.
- Journaling can help us explore our feelings and look back on how we experience our world and our thoughts. When we can evaluate patterns and focus on changing the negative cycles, we become aware, and awareness breeds change.”
— Christina Powell, LMHC-QS, LPC | Owner and Psychotherapist, Mental Perk Therapy
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a person really be unlovable?
No way! Everyone is lovable. Sometimes, it’s our own feelings or past problems that make us think we’re not. It’s about working through those tough thoughts and seeing that we deserve love just like anyone else.
Is it normal to push people away when I feel unlovable?
It’s pretty common. Sometimes when we feel unlovable, we push people away to protect ourselves from getting hurt. But this can also make us miss out on good relationships. Learning to let people in can help change these feelings.
Why is it hard for me to accept compliments or kindness?
This can be because you don’t see yourself the way others do. If you’re used to feeling down about yourself, it’s tough to believe nice things people say about you. Practice accepting kindness with a simple ‘thank you’ and remind yourself you’re worth it.
How do I stop comparing myself to others?
Focusing on your own path is key. Remember that everyone’s life is different, and what you see on the outside might not be the full story. Concentrate on what you like about yourself and your own achievements.
Is it okay to seek professional help if these feelings persist?
Absolutely. If feelings of being unlovable persist and affect your daily life, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor is a positive step. They can provide the support and tools you need to feel better.
Final Thoughts
You’re ready now, ready to see that you’re worth it. And hey, it’s totally fine if you’re not feeling 100% yet. Work on small steps to change your thoughts and practice self-love. You’re stronger than you think.
Keep these tips close and use them when you need to. Remember to be kind to yourself. With a bit of time, you’ll start to really feel it. Keep going, and you’ll see how lovable you are.
