There are healthy ways in which we can process our feelings and move on from the past without hurting ourselves or others.
Here’s how to get over an ex you still love, as advised by experts.
Love Strategist and Relationship Coach
If you’re reading this, it’s likely you are struggling with a recent breakup or maybe contemplating ending a relationship. With both scenarios, it can be incredibly tough to get over someone you love.
However, it’s often in loss, especially of someone you love, that you think more about what you will miss and love about them versus what led you or them to end the relationship. And, by the way, all of these feelings are completely normal.
I have a few ideas that will give you a jumpstart as you get over an ex you still love. There is a saying, “An ex is an ex for a reason.” It’s likely there were a series of events that led you to end your relationship with this person you loved or them to end it with you. And it’s likely these reasons outweighed the benefits of staying in the relationship.
I’ll come back to this thought as I walk you through the process of getting over an ex you still love.
The crucial step in your healing process is to learn to go with the flow of your feelings
It’s easy to want to just think you can get over a relationship quickly or dull out the pain. But, taking the time to give yourself a chance to heal is a necessary step and will help you bring a healthier mindset when you enter into future relationships.
When a breakup is fresh, you will feel a range of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, crying spells, and some depression are quite normal. It’s ok to feel this range of emotions. Just don’t languish in your feelings. It might literally feel like a part of your heart is broken.
Take the time you need to cry, reflect, laugh, and feel frustrated. This time is based on what will help you come back healthy and whole. But, also find ways to balance out these feelings where you don’t get stuck in them indefinitely.
The longer you’ve been in the relationship, you should expect that you may need more time to heal and recover.
Journal your breakup
Sometimes, writing out the reasons, including the pros of being out of the relationship, versus staying in the relationship, can help bring you some clarity. Putting your thoughts down in black and white on paper can help you soothe through the emotional highs and lows that come at the end of a breakup with a bit more clarity.
Emotions can make you feel stagnant and lament what could be versus the reality of what the relationship was to you. Writing it out brings a more objective rationale as to why you decided to end the relationship or why the relationship ended.
As you’re writing and processing, you’re releasing your emotions. All of these things are cathartic.
You’re airing out the “what if’s” with the reality of “what it was.” This thought process will help you recognize what didn’t work in the relationship and help you stay grounded in reality, allowing you to move forward.
Look at your breakup as a time for self-development
When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal for you to put time into developing that relationship, which has likely taken time away from your personal development. However, during the time you’re single, that energy can be transferred more so to you.
Being single is a unique time to pursue new goals and dedicate time and effort to other relationships you may have neglected during your relationship, i.e., friends, family, personal goals, etc.
While you might naturally following a breakup, figuratively speaking, focus on that closed door, i.e., your relationship with your ex, I want you to try something different. Refocus on the fact that there will be other open doors of other relationships in the future. It may not feel that way. But, it will happen. And the great part is you can wait until you’re ready for this next step.
In the meantime, you are single, which means you have no relationship obligations.
If there is something you’ve been wanting to do, a hobby you haven’t had time to focus on, or a place you’ve wanted to travel and visit, you now have free rein to do so. Take this time and refocus the energy you were putting into your relationship into cultivating new experiences, developing yourself, and enjoying this time as you figure out what comes next.
When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, it means you’re way too focused on yourself
My mother used to say to me, “When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, it means you’re way too focused on yourself.” She would always advise me that I instead focus on how I could help someone less fortunate when I felt at my worse. She advised me to think of how I could lift someone else’s spirit or perform a kind gesture for someone else.
She was right. The best way to turn that around feelings of despair for yourself is by doing good for others.
Often, when you are so focused on feeling down, you realize it takes more energy to feel down after some time, especially during a breakup. You might consider doing volunteer work, helping others in the community, i.e., seniors, a single parent who could use some help juggling childcare or errands, etc.
The goal is to take yourself out of your own negative headspace by doing something positive for someone else.
Take the time after a breakup to be self-reflective and become more self-aware
This one is often a neglected area of focus, but there is one thing that you can control even after a breakup with someone you love. That would be, “You.” You are the foundation for your relationship. Your partner and who you attract are reflective of you too.
Taking the time after a breakup to be self-reflective, introspective, and become more self-aware around your dating and relationship patterns, especially unhealthy ones, is crucial as you close out this chapter and move on to the next one.
If you have a pattern that repeats itself in your relationship, that is often the universe’s way of telling you, you haven’t learned the lesson you need to learn. But it’s when you realize this lesson that you truly can align and recognize the right partnership. Or you can reach the realization that there are still some things you need to develop within yourself to help you build a healthy relationship.
What does self-reflection look like? It’s asking the difficult questions of what you see are patterns in your relationships.
- Do you choose emotionally unavailable people?
- Do your relationships end in the same way?
- Do you struggle with communication through conflict?
Be honest with yourself and seek out counseling if you cannot do it on your own.
Once you can master these five things, I promise you that while it might not seem easy at first, these steps will help you get over your ex you love, and most importantly, put you on the path to having a healthier relationship.
At some point, you’ll have your heartbroken. Six months – even six years – later, you still can’t stop thinking about them. You just can’t seem to get over your ex that you still love. Why? Why do so many of us struggle to bounce back when it comes to heartbreak?
The truth is: We’re approaching it all wrong.
Getting over an ex becomes easier if you change your mindset and take steps to minimize your own suffering. These five tips can help you get over an ex you still love.
Treat yourself like an addict
The withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our minds and bodies as an addict withdrawing from substances. Similar to an addict, we start looking for a fix to soothe our intense cravings.
- Spending hours thinking about them is a “fix.”
- Replaying memories is a fix.
- Trying to understand why the breakup happened is a fix
- Looking at pictures, texts, paraphernalia – all a fix.
- Stalking them on social media is a fix.
- Are there still some folks who drive past an ex’s house? A no-no and a fix.
But this fix only deepens your emotional pain and complicates your recovery. Just like addicts do, you need to acknowledge and be real about what has happened and, most importantly, accept that it is over. This is the first step to healing.
Don’t obsess over the why
Studies show that knowing why a breakup happened is important to help us move on. The problem is that when our heart is broken, we can’t trust our mind. When someone tells us why we reject it.
Because the heartbreak is so emotionally painful, we think the “why” has to be equally painful. But the “why” could be as simple as timing, or they’re not interested in you in the same way that you are in them. Instead of accepting the why, we recount every aspect of the relationship, looking for the “real” reason.
We go down rabbit holes trying to figure it out, making up stories, and more.
But don’t obsess over it. Don’t keep searching for it. Don’t wait for a reason to be given that makes sense. There is no explanation that is going to give you what you need. So, accept the reason that was given. Make one up if you need to. If not, you’ll obsess over it and remain stuck. Let the reason give you closure and move on.
Feeling alone can impact our logic. We’re tempted to look back at the relationship through rose-colored lenses. This intensifies the desire to be back with our ex.
But remember the good and the bad. Compile an exhaustive list of all the ways your ex is, was, and will be bad for you – and keep the list on your phone. When you start romanticizing, pull the list out.
Your mind will tell you they were perfect. But the written facts will prove they really weren’t. This will also help if you decide to try and get back with the ex in the future. If no change has occurred internally on their part, the revisited relationship will end just as the first did.
Fill the voids
To get over an ex, you must identify the voids and find ways to reestablish healthy bonds with yourself and others after the relationship has ended. Your ex was a significant part of your life—from the things you did to the friends you hung around. So, you need to spend some time establishing your identity outside of the relationship.
Disassociate your ex from people, places, things, dreams, and hobbies – and reclaim them!
Pictures of your ex that were once on your console (please take them down if you haven’t already) need to be replaced by new pictures of you enjoying life with friends, making new memories! Your brunch spot needs to be disassociated from your ex and reclaimed as your brunch spot with your friends.
Don’t give your ex a starring role in your current or future life. Reclaim that space and fill it with people, things, and new experiences you love!
Accept that you may not get over the pain
Instead, you may have to learn to live it. But living with it doesn’t mean that you have to suffer. Just like when you grieve a parent or another major loss in your life (job, friend, etc.), sometimes that pain never goes away.
If you’ve ever lost someone or something important, you know that life does go on, and you can still lead a happy and full life. But that person (or job, or car, that thing you were once attached to) will always hold a special place in your heart. And keeping that special thing or person in that special place in your heart is enough. Enough for you to keep going!
If you want to let go and get over your ex, take steps to minimize your suffering. Stop seeking a fix and searching for the why idealizing them all the while. And stop giving them a lead role in the next season of your life.
This next season should be full of new reasons to live, new experiences, new foods, new habits, new friends, new love. Then you will find that your life is really just beginning!
Wellness Expert and Love Coach, Orion’s Method
It’s okay to wallow — for a while
In many religious traditions, the recently bereaved have a set period of time in which to mourn their loss. This gives them the time and space in which to grieve, after which they are encouraged to get back to living their lives.
While this might seem an extreme comparison, there are lessons to be learned here when you still love your ex. It’s okay to wallow after the end of a relationship — it gives you a chance to come to terms with the breakup and express your raw emotions.
- Listen to a sad album
- Go for long walks by yourself
- Watch soppy films with ice cream
Do whatever helps you through this period, but this should be done within limits. Allow yourself time to grieve for the end of your relationship, but after a week or so, you need to pick yourself up and start leading the life that you deserve.
Focus on yourself
When your heart still belongs to someone else, it’s easy to let our minds and bodies fall into a state of neglect.
As we pine for someone who no longer cares for us, they take up all our attention, and we forget to take care of ourselves. This creates a vicious circle that just makes us feel even worse.
Remember to practice self-love. This doesn’t just mean treating yourself to a nice meal or a spa day (although this is also important). Self-love means treating your body well — exercising regularly, showering daily, eating well and regularly, spending time with friends and family.
Related: Why Is Self Love Important?
These are simple things, yes. But the body is like a car. Without regular maintenance and check-ups, it will fall into disrepair and stop working. Look after your body, and your pain will struggle to find a foothold, and gradually diminish.
Immerse yourself in something new
Lying on the sofa watching repeats of Friends on Netflix won’t help you out of your rut. The best way to distract yourself from those thoughts of your ex swirling around your head is to immerse yourself in something new.
Embrace a new hobby or activity. It might be something simple, such as salsa dancing or, to borrow a tip from Monica Geller, making jam.
But it could well be something more extreme too. Trying an extreme sport such as zorbing or rock climbing is a great way to get out of the house and break that negative cycle of thoughts in your head.
Focus on the horizon
Finally, remember that time is the ultimate healer. This might seem like cold comfort when you’re poring over old photos and texts from your ex, firm in the belief that this pain will go on forever.
But while it might feel that way right now, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s essential that you remind yourself of that. I can’t emphasize this enough.
You literally need to look in the mirror and say to yourself: this won’t last forever.
With this in mind, make plans for the future. Book holidays with friends, meals at restaurants, visits to new places — create a future to look forward to, and everything else will fall into place.
If nothing else, prioritize yourself. We only get one life, and this is yours. Don’t let another person’s departure prevent you from leading it well.
Relationship Expert | Author, “Sis, Be Nicer to Yourself”
When a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean the feelings end. You may still love your ex and even want what’s best for them, but you understand the relationship must come to an end. Getting over an ex, you’re still in love with can be challenging.
The following tips will help you heal, recover from heartbreak and get over an ex you still have feelings for.
Be patient with yourself as you heal from the breakup
Understand it’s normal to miss your ex and have love for them. However, don’t allow those feelings to interfere with your decision to move forward in your life and end the relationship. Stand firm on your decision and love yourself through the process.
Become more nurturing and caring towards yourself, you may have sad feelings of loneliness, and love and attention from yourself can go a long way.
Give yourself closure from the relationship
Make peace and give yourself closure from the relationship. Forgive yourself and forgive all unwanted experiences from your past relationship.
Make peace with what was and honor your desire to create a new story
Once you can be grateful for the experience, the relationship gave while no longer feeling the feelings of rejection, shame, and guilt, you can begin to make peace with the relationship ending.
Embrace “me time”
My time with yourself for yourself. Spending time meditating, journaling, walking in nature, and enjoying music can all enhance your mood. Become intentional about prioritizing time to do things you enjoy.
Create “no contact” boundaries
When you stay in contact with your ex, you slow down your healing process. It makes it hard to heal when you are in constant connection with your ex. Create boundaries that remove direct access to you.
Consider blocking his phone number, removing social media access with your ex, and consider relocating if necessary.
Take care of yourself
Make the health of your mind, body, and spirit a top priority. Rest when you’re tired, spend time with positive people who uplift you and eat power energy foods and exercise your body.
When you take care of yourself, life will reflect that love and care back to you.
Avoid rebound relationships
Take your time through your healing process. As tempting as it may be to quickly jump into another relationship, take your time. Slow down and analyze the relationship.
What went right, and what went wrong?
If you don’t properly understand what you experienced in the relationship, you may find yourself going through it again or something worst in a rebound relationship; heal first.
An excerpt of my upcoming book, “Sis, Be Nicer to Yourself: How Self-Sabotage and Codependency Blocks You From Manifesting Love, Happiness and Money”:
“Why does it feel like a struggle to be in love, why does it feel like a struggle to have financial abundance, and why does it feel like a struggle to be happy and enjoy your life in a state of peace and calm? The reason it’s a struggle is because you’re not naturally aligned to easily receive those things. For so long, you have been conditioned and aligned to struggle, by striving and going through pain in order to feel some level of peace and accomplishment. If you really understood how powerful you are, you would never doubt your capability to have any and everything your heart desires.”
Relationship Expert and Matchmaker, Exclusive Matchmaking
When it comes to getting over an ex you still love, it can be quite difficult, but something you must do. If you want to be happy in life, sometimes you just need to pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
Some feel the way to get over your ex is to move on with someone even hotter. That’s not true at all. That’s a way to set you back because if that goes wrong, it’s going to make you feel even worse.
When it comes to getting over an ex you still love, try the following:
- Process what went wrong so that it doesn’t happen again. Whatever the reason, think of how you got here. Maybe your ex is abusive, maybe they don’t feel the same way about you, or maybe they have addictions, and you can’t be with them. You need time to reassess this relationship no matter the cause to heal.
- Stay off their social media. This is something people don’t understand. You don’t need to see what they are up to on Instagram, so resist the urge. The sooner you can do this, the sooner you can heal.
- Don’t try to be friends at first. It never works. It doesn’t mean at some undefined time in the future you can’t be, but now isn’t it. Friendship now is just one foot in the door with hope. It’s not good for you.
- Don’t drink and dial or text. Remember, nothing good can come of this.
- Fill your life with people you feel good around. It’s important to only be around healthy people at this time. They are your sunshine and will make you feel better.
- Enlist the help of a friend or therapist so you can vent. Talking it out and over with someone may help.
- Fill your life with new adventures and hobbies. Do things that take your mind off of your situation but help you to feel more interesting while giving you confidence. Just do you and be kind to yourself.
Dr. Meghan Marcum
Chief Psychologist, A Mission For Michael
Getting over a breakup can be one of the most emotionally challenging hurdles we face as human beings. Losing a relationship is often like processing any other significant loss; there is grief and a host of other emotional responses that we must navigate.
It’s important to understand there is no right way to “get over someone,” and individuals respond differently depending on the circumstances. When you care for someone deeply, those feelings do not magically disappear overnight; it takes time, and it is common to continue caring for our partners even after the relationship ends.
The process of healing is not linear, meaning the emotions we feel ( like frustration, sadness, or anger) may come and go like a roller coaster. Some days you may feel strong and spend little to no time thinking about your past relationship. On other days, the pain may feel almost unbearable.
If you’re struggling to get over an ex, here are a few tips to help you manage your feelings:
- Hang out with supportive friends. Spending time with others helps you to connect, while isolation can make negative emotions like grief and anger intensify.
- Work on yourself. Self-care activities like exercise or getting a massage can help you feel recharged and remind you of your value.
- Allow yourself to experience the feelings that come. Don’t try to block out feelings or push them aside. Grieving is a normal process.
- Avoid interactions with an ex, including indirect ways of interacting like social media. If you don’t want to block your ex, make their profile invisible to you.
- Accept that your relationship is over. Living in a world where you fantasize about getting back together will only prolong the time it takes to heal and move forward.
- If you’re having difficulty functioning or feel hopeless or like life isn’t worth ending, see a mental health professional who can help you during the adjustment period.
Relationship Expert and Trauma Counselor
It is important that you find a code of living, a system of self-love and peace that you can depend on when things don’t go your way- or you suffer from a bad breakup. This is the time to bring out the spiritual concepts that can carry you through a storm and heartache.
Here are some mantras/concepts you can use:
- Remember that everything happens for the highest good and best – Trust and have patience in the higher laws of life. If you break up and he/she does not come back, then he/she is not for you. If they do, well then you know.
- Use the time to heal and become magnificent and your best self –
- Get moving, get going and stop pondering and wondering.
- Get into your life and start living.
- Put your focus on other things – you!
- Know that when you focus on positive things and living your best life- only the best can happen.
- Stop worrying and ruminating and distract yourself with a new dream/mission/job/ plan.
- Put your attention on your dreams. This will ease the focus and thus the pain.
- Get in great shape – Beautify yourself, so you feel like a million dollars. Nothing helps a breakup than looking and feeling great. Join a gym, a dance class, or start running the track. Exercise and a health plan can save your soul and help you look amazing. Looking great is the best revenge.
- Start making that dream job happen – Go for your life mission and purpose and put love away for a while. Let your heart heal. Do other things, and life will bring the answers you need.
- Get out of your PJs and sweats and call your friends – Don’t talk about the breakup (only if you have to) and get involved in life and what others are doing.
- Know that time heals all wounds – Know it will all make sense later on.
Dr. Jake Porter
Licensed Professional Counselor | Founder & President, Daring Ventures Counseling, Coaching, and Consultation, LLC
Grieve right the first time
When a relationship ends, we don’t just lose that person, but we also lose the future we’d come to expect, the storybook ends we’d dreamed of for the relationship. This is worth grieving.
Grief is hard, painful, and exhausting, but it is a necessary process of healing. The process of grief requires us to make sense of our losses, and this meaning-making process sets us up to envision a new future. Grief allows us to reclaim our story, revised as it may be.
If you try to move forward apart from the hard work of grief, you’ll end up repeating that same story again and again.
Each challenge and heartache comes with an important lesson to carry forward, and without walking through grief, we will get into our next relationship with the same blind spots, hurts, and hang-ups we had in the last one.
Below are what I consider the absolute best ways one can get over an ex they still love. I’ve seen these things work firsthand with most of my clients and the hundreds of readers with who I conversed till now.
I know, I know. You’ve seen meditation listed on just about every other post on getting over an ex, and you’re probably sick to the stomach reading about it. But let me ask you this: have you tried it yet? And if you did, have you at least stuck with it for one month?
Most people never start and thus, never experience the results the practice gives. Don’t be one of those people. Try it. Stick with it. You’ll see results, I promise.
Not only will meditation help you recover faster, but it will also lessen your anxiety and worry and make you more productive, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent.
The benefits of mediation transcend breakups and help improve most, if not all, the essential areas of your life. So, please do yourself a favor and try it out. My best advice is to use an app like Calm or Headspace at the start, then once you’re comfortable, try the practice without it.
Journaling is one of the best ways of making your unconscious thoughts, worries, and emotions conscious. This further leads to more clarity and faster recovery, even though you still love your ex.
Also, journaling doesn’t have to be complicated. You can simply start by writing down what you feel and think at the moment. Then you can start writing about the lessons your breakup taught you, the hopes you have for the future, the insecurities you have to deal with to not face another heartbreak, and all the things you’re grateful for.
An excellent resource for starting with journaling is a site called TheDailyStoic. It’s where I’ve learned it. But you can always opt-in for other websites. These days it feels like every other self-help blogger and their dog writes about journaling.
At its core, a dream diary is a simple notebook (or a computer file) where you write down the contents of your dreams every morning. Then based on what you’ve written, you seek patterns on what your dreams are trying to communicate. No, not in a spiritual kind of sense, but a psychological one.
Dreams give us insight into what post-breakup emotions and worries we need to focus on and process. On top of this, the simple act of jotting our dreams down has a therapeutic effect on us, making us feel more at ease despite our heartbreak. Put differently, knowing what one dreams about helps them get over their ex faster.
Related: Why Do I Keep Dreaming About My Ex?
Accepting the breakup
While this may sound abstract, complicated, and in your state probably unachievable, it really is none of those things. Accepting your breakup doesn’t mean you forget your ex, stop loving them, or make yourself like the emotional place you’re in right now.
Accepting a breakup simply means you accept your situation. You are where you are. You don’t fight this feeling, nor do you try to suppress or deny it. You’re simply okay with it, even though it hurts.
Letting yourself feel the pain
There’s a profound yet simple saying floating around many psychology and self-help books, “you’ve got to feel it to heal it.” I couldn’t agree more.
I know you feel pain right now, but in order to heal it, you’ll have to feel the depths of it instead of trying to suppress it or bottle it up. Let’s face it, pain is a constant in life, and you can’t simply remove it like you would remove chalk from a chalkboard with a wet sponge. You have no other choice but to endure the pain.
So whenever you feel a lot of is, I recommend you go somewhere you won’t be disturbed, like a car or a bedroom, and let yourself cry, scream, and even punch, claw and choke the tear-stained pillow. That’s how you feel the depth of your pain.
Keep at this act until you can’t cry anymore. You’ll see that you’ll feel better after you’ve let yourself feel your pain. But, there’s a catch! Most of the time, especially if you’re fresh out of the breakup, the pain you felt prior to this exercise will return. And when it does, just remember to repeat this exercise.
In fact, keep repeating it until you got over your ex. You’ll know you got over them when you don’t grow indifferent to the whole breakup.
Qi-gong is an ancient Chinese system of physical exercises and breathing control. It’s like meditation; only it consists of more movement.
Also, there’s a vast amount of scientific studies backing up the effectiveness of the practice. Studies ranging all the way back from 1964 to recent years report that qi-gong highly benefits one’s mental and emotional health.
If you’d like to learn how to perform qi-gong, I highly recommend reading, “The Way of Qigong: The Art and Science of Chinese Energy Healing“ by Ken Cohen.
Improving one’s lifestyle
If you want to get over your ex, you have to recover your wounds and improve as a person. The way you do both is by improving your lifestyle.
So, if you’re out of shape, throw yourself into the gym. Take up jogging. Maybe sign up for hiking classes. Do what resonates with you. The point is to start moving your body, for movement will help you get out of your head — where your ex probably keeps floating around — and into your body, into the present moment.
Also, maybe change your diet.
If you’re basing your entire lunch on, let’s say, McNuggets, fries, and coke, then try switching out the meal with a healthy salad and a green smoothie. And of course, if you feel overworked, nervous, and on the brink of burning out in your professional life, take some time off from work to relax and unwind. Obviously, all of the things above are easier said than done, but they can be done.
The only thing you should keep an eye on is that you don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by improving your lifestyle. It’s all about the baby steps.
For example, if you never exercised before, don’t feel like you need to visit the gym five times a week. One or two times is enough. If you’ve been living your whole life on junk food, don’t try to suddenly eliminate every instance of it from your daily menu.
Start with only eliminating an unhealthy breakfast, per se. And if you’re a hard worker or a generally busy person, but tired and worn out at the same time from all the stress, maybe take only a full weekend off instead of one or two weeks as is the norm (at least where I’m from).
Executive Luxury Matchmaker, Select Date Society
Block and delete the person
Letting go is a sense of releasing anything and everything that could potentially remind you of that person. Perhaps you are still connected on social media. To establish a healthy break and move on, the person should be blocked and deleted, so the temptation is not there to reach out.
People often hold on to those things because they still want to see what the other person is doing or keep an eye on what is happening in the other person’s life. That alone will hinder any of your own progress and keep you in a constant state of limbo.
Lean on your friends and family
Surrounding yourself with people that you know love you and care about your overall wellbeing can truly be beneficial. Most people during this time, want nothing more than to be by themselves, but self-isolation can only make matters worse.
If you find it difficult to make it through your day-to-day life, sometimes taking the time to speak with friends is all that you need to relieve the pain.
Redirect your energy and focus on your goals
Start that project! Perhaps you have a career goal that you have been waiting to tap into, or maybe even a passion project that you have not had the time nor the attention span to focus on; now is the best time.
Shift gears, redirect your energy, and focus, then begin to work on accomplishing those goals. That within itself can make you feel proud, accomplished, and give you that renewed sense of happiness!
Constantly think about them
There are many ways to get over an ex you’re still in love with, but one answer is both unbelievably scary and oddly necessary. What is it? Constantly think about them.
I know what you’re thinking, “What?! That seems counterproductive! No, that is just a self-inflicted wound.” Well, no. Not really.
After a breakup, the first thing people do is to rip up photos of their ex, delete messages, block them, etc. Do you know what happens next? You end up thinking about them reluctantly.
- You drive by your favorite restaurant, you think of them.
- Their birthday comes, you think of them.
- The holidays come, you think of them.
Nevertheless, you get the point. You’re going to think of them anyway. What’s the difference? My advice is to do it on purpose.
When you think of them on purpose, you can actually grow tired of their existence. The mere thought of them can become numb. It no longer becomes a shock or reason for tears. All that will be left is a reminder of what used to be and what is no more. How does it help?
As long as they own real estate in your mind, you will never own your mind. Without ownership of your mind, you’re bound to make the mistake of:
- Convincing yourself to date them again
- Make a fool of yourself to gain their attention
- Regressing from any progress made to get over them
So, therefore, think about them — the memories, the great times and bad. More importantly, reminisce about why you broke up, to begin with. Take back your mind.
Harvard-Educated Wellness Expert | Children’s Book Author
Bring more love into your life
The most enjoyable way to get over an ex is to bring more love into your life. There’s just one catch. In order to be able to bring more love into our lives, we first need to understand what love is.
According to ancient Jewish wisdom, love is appreciating the virtues of another. Therefore, to get over an ex, practice focusing on the virtues of other people in your life. That’s right, feeling the warm, uplifting, and energizing feeling of love is not dependant on anyone else at all!
Love is totally empowering.
You can fill your life with love right this moment by focusing on the virtues of another. (And if you want to get over your ex – it would be better to focus on what you appreciate about other people besides your ex.)
The more that you experience feelings of gratitude for others, the more that feeling of scarcity, estrangement, and loneliness will soon be replaced with feelings of abundance, connection, and love. The neurons in our brain that fire together soon wire together, making it even easier to access the pathways of gratitude that we create in our minds.
You will joyfully discover that there is less time, energy, and space to focus on your ex as you fill your days up with gratitude by focusing on the virtues of other people in your life.
Exercise and strengthen your gratitude muscles. It can help give you the power to fill your life with everlasting joy and love.
How to Get Over an Ex You Still Love
How long does it typically take to get over an ex?
The time it takes to get over an ex varies for each individual, depending on factors like the length and depth of the relationship, the personal healing process, and the support system. However, some studies suggest an average of 3-6 months to start feeling better. To make this process smoother, consider the following:
• Acknowledge your emotions: Accept that it’s normal to feel sad, angry, or confused after a breakup.
• Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings.
• Establish a routine: Maintain healthy habits, such as exercise, nutrition, and proper sleep.
• Engage in self-care: Prioritize your well-being and practice self-compassion.
• Set goals: Focus on personal growth and plan for your future.
How do I know if I’m not ready to move on from my ex?
• Constantly thinking about them: If your ex occupies your thoughts frequently, it may mean you’re not ready to move on.
• Comparing new partners to your ex: If you’re dating but always comparing others to your ex, you might still be attached.
• Stalking their social media: If you find yourself checking your ex’s social media often, it’s a sign you haven’t moved on.
• Strong emotional reactions: Experiencing intense emotions (anger, sadness, or jealousy) when thinking about your ex.
• Wishing to rekindle the relationship: Hoping for reconciliation even when it’s not healthy or realistic.
What if I keep remembering the good times with my ex?
It’s natural to remember the good times with your ex, but it’s essential to maintain a balanced perspective. To do so, consider the following:
• Accept your past: Cherish the good memories, but understand that the past cannot be changed.
• Focus on the present: Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you live in the moment.
• Create new memories: Spend time with friends, explore new hobbies, and develop new interests.
• Practice gratitude: Reflect on the positive aspects of your life and what you’re grateful for.
• Recognize the negatives: Remind yourself of the reasons for the breakup and why it didn’t work out.
How do I know when I’m truly over my ex?
Knowing when you’re truly over your ex can be a gradual realization, but several signs can help you determine if you’ve reached that point:
• Emotional stability: You no longer feel intense emotions, such as anger, sadness, or jealousy, when thinking about your ex or past relationship. It’s natural for memories to linger, but they shouldn’t trigger strong emotional reactions.
• No longing for reconciliation: You don’t secretly hope for your ex to return or wish things could have been different. You’ve accepted that the relationship has ended and are at peace with that decision.
• Focus on yourself: You’re investing time and energy into your own growth and well-being rather than dwelling on the past or ruminating about the breakup. This includes pursuing hobbies, setting new goals, and nurturing relationships with friends and family.
• New connections: You’re open to forming new romantic connections and can genuinely enjoy dating without constantly comparing new partners to your ex.
• Lessons learned: You’ve reflected on the relationship and taken valuable lessons from it, allowing you to grow and improve for future relationships. You’re not stuck in a cycle of blame or resentment.
Is it possible to fully heal without starting a new relationship?
Absolutely! Healing is a personal and introspective process that doesn’t require a new relationship to be successful.
Taking the time to work on yourself and addressing any issues or patterns that may have contributed to your past relationship’s demise can be incredibly beneficial. This period of self-reflection can lead to personal growth, a better understanding of your needs, and a stronger foundation for future relationships.
Is it normal to feel guilt or regret about a past relationship?
Feeling guilt or regret about a past relationship is completely normal. Relationships are a learning experience, and it’s natural to look back and recognize areas where you could have made different choices.
Instead of dwelling on negative emotions, use them as an opportunity for growth. Reflect on the lessons you’ve learned and strive to apply them in your present life and future relationships. Nobody is perfect, and it’s important to forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made.
What if my ex wants to get back together?
If your ex wants to get back together, take a moment to pause and reflect on your feelings and the reasons the relationship ended in the first place. Consider the following factors before making a decision:
• Reflect on your emotions: If you’re not completely over them, it might be worth exploring the possibility of rekindling the relationship. However, if you’re genuinely over them and have moved on, getting back together might not be in your best interest.
• Reasons for the breakup: Why did the relationship end in the first place? If the breakup was due to irreconcilable differences or unhealthy patterns, it’s crucial to evaluate whether those issues have been resolved or if they’re likely to resurface.
• Personal growth: Have both you and your ex grown and changed since the breakup? Personal growth is vital for a healthy relationship, so consider whether both of you have addressed the issues that contributed to the breakup.
• Communication: Are you and your ex able to have open, honest, and respectful conversations about your feelings, the past, and what you both want from a relationship? Strong communication is key to navigating the complexities of getting back together.
• Take your time: Don’t rush into a decision. Give yourself the space to weigh the pros and cons of rekindling the relationship. Reach out to trusted friends or a therapist for guidance if needed.
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