What are the chances of two narcissists meeting each other and eventually falling in love? Will it lead to a sustainable relationship? Or a toxic, non-fulfilling one?
According to experts, here are the potential outcomes when two narcissists date:
Meenakshi Joshi, M.Sc, MA
Clinical Psychologist, Epsychonline
The initial attraction they may feel for each other will fade out fast
It may sound like a joke when you hear that two narcissists are in love. It can be quite hard to imagine what happens when two narcissists date or are in a relationship. Two people who cannot love others; how can they be in love? It sounds all wrong. But this kind of love can bloom too.
Who is a narcissist?
- They think only about themselves. In other words, they are self-absorbed.
- These people feel that they are the best in the world. For example:
- “I am the most beautiful girl in the world,”
- “I have such nice glossy hair,”
- “I look so handsome,” etc.
- They have grand ideas and beliefs. For example:
- “I am so special,”
- “I am much smarter than you,”
- “You don’t deserve me,”
- “You are so plain in front of me.”
- Overconfident and aggressive
- Too full of themselves
Two narcissists together
Now that you know these people, you think about what happens when two narcissists date. Firstly, it is not very common for two narcissists to be in a relationship. Most of the time, they want or find a very giving and caring partner.
They need attention all the time, so they want someone who will give them attention all the time. But sometimes, two narcissists do come together. There could be two main reasons for this.
You like someone who is “like” you
Many studies have shown that people like to be someone who is like them. We are attracted to those people who have the same qualities that we have.
In other words, I like who I am. I think I am the best. I will always see someone like me to be “the best” too because they are the same.
You like how “good” you will look together
Narcissists want to be noticed by others. They love compliments and love people talking about them. So, when they find someone like them, they feel the two of them will be even better. They can be the next “power couple.”
They would think, “Two superior people should be together.” Or, “Look how good they look – very picture perfect!”
So, what happens when two narcissists date? Let us discuss this in two stages – the rosy stage and the reality stage.
The rosy stage
The first few days or months might be all nice and rosy.
Initially, when two narcissists date, they paint the perfect picture of being so happy. Both are grand in nature and might show big gestures of love. For example, proposing on a yacht, gifts and dinner dates, etc.
As the couple enjoys the limelight, they will do things that will “wow” their friends and family. Also, they would show off their “unique” and “special” self. All the pictures posted on social media will tell others, “What a great life they are living.”
You must have seen pictures of celebs “twinning.” For example, they are both wearing the same color outfit or getting the same tattoo. This is how two narcissists would act when they are in the early stages of their relationship.
However, their selfish nature will start causing problems sooner or later. They cannot love or care for others. This will cause a rift between them and lead to fights as they reach the next stage.
The reality stage
When two narcissists date, eventually, one or both of them get bored with each other. The truth of who they are will start affecting them as a couple.
- They will start stepping over each other to prove who is better. So, what attracted them to each other will start causing a problem.
- They might start competing with each other.
- They will try to show the other person that they are better than them.
- Giving all the credit to oneself. You have couples talking about how much they do for their partner. “I have done so much for him. But he does not deserve it. He is just not good enough for me“.
- They do not care about their partner. Narcissistic people in a relationship can be cold and insensitive. They lack empathy as well.
- They will not try to understand the other person’s point of view or their difficulties.
- Trying to manipulate the other. Emotional blackmail is one big tool in the kit of a narcissist. So, they will use it for self-gain for sure.
- To get things done their way, they will not think twice before using someone or breaking someone’s trust.
- A narcissistic person cannot see someone being better than them. They will be very jealous of anyone and everyone who they see as potential competition.
- It then does not matter what the truth is – they are far from reality anyway.
- They will be jealous of friends or co-workers of their partners. This can lead to constant and intense arguments.
- Power is what they need. When two narcissists date, they both want to be the dominant alpha in the relationship.
- They want all the power, and this fight can cause many issues.
What happens in the end when two narcissists date?
More often than not, when two narcissists date or are in a relationship, what happens is that they break up. If they do get married, their marriage will also have ups and downs.
They will either separate from each other or live in an unhappy marriage.
Final thought: Two narcissists dating can be as difficult as it sounds. It will be quite a turbulent relationship. The initial attraction they may feel for each other because they are similar will fade out fast.
Their love will not be comforting and strong. The real issue will make their lives challenging, and they will end up fighting a lot.
Relationship Expert and Matchmaker, Exclusive Matchmaking
They do not form deep bonds like emotionally healthy people do in a relationship
When two narcissists come together, you might think it’s a recipe for a toxic disaster.
In reality, it’s better for two narcissists to form a bond than an emotionally healthy person and a narcissist. You can’t change a narcissist, and two of them together can feed off each other and accomplish their goals.
People attract similar people, and narcissism is a disorder that you can’t expect change from, so they often connect and become a couple. It’s just that they do not form deep bonds like emotionally healthy people do in a relationship.
Narcissists tend to:
- Attract like and similar narcissists. People always attract similar, and it’s not like narcissists necessarily know they are narcissists.
- Bond, if you could call it that. It’s more like they do well in these relationships because neither is looking for something particularly deep.
- Enjoy being with each other because they have about the same shallow interests and pursue them. Think of social media and the “It” couple that appear to have all.
- Bond over their shallow interests, and they have that in common. They have a similar lifestyle, and it works.
Clinical Psychologist | Speaker | Author, “Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly“
The relationship will have a very transactional quality to it
The pull of another narcissistic can be strong. Feelings of infatuation can surge when two narcissists come together.
Initially, the attraction can be positive given that the two narcissists unconsciously feel the “mirror” effect of being with an energetic twin. The feeling of being accepted and understood may be captivating for the pair of narcissists. Of course, true feelings for the other person don’t manifest; what the narcissist calls “love” is merely the pleasure of having their own needs met.
The relationship will not be one of genuine love but will have a very transactional quality to it.
Narcissists do not see their partners as human beings filled with layers of emotions and life experiences; partners are mere objects to be used for personal benefit.
The game of manipulation will unfold
Yet, before long, the two narcissists will be engaging in their customarily manipulative behavior—each having the other as the target.
Of course, being narcissists, neither one will notice or want to believe that they are being manipulated. They will focus their energy on what they can get from the other person.
Interestingly, the narcissists will feed on each other in a symbiotic way.
With each partner believing they are too smart to be prey, they’ll date for as long as they can have their own needs met by the other person.
Two narcissists may actually sustain a dating relationship for an extended period of time. In fact, if the transactional nature of the relationship continues to benefit both parties, the toxic relationship may endure for years.
However, if one or both partners feel that their needs are not fulfilled or happen to spot better prey on the horizon, the relationship may be quickly discarded.
Eric Patterson, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor and Narcissism Expert | Writer, Choosing Therapy
The need for the spotlight would certainly devolve into frustrations and conflict
Even though two narcissists may date, it wouldn’t be for long.
Narcissists, or people with narcissistic personality disorder, need very high amounts of attention, adulation, and praise from their romantic partners, and they are not very good at giving it to others. In the real world, the odds of two narcissists being in a long-term, committed relationship are extremely long.
Instead, a narcissist would be much more likely to be interested in dating a person who is:
- Has low self-esteem
- Has a poor sense of self
This person would be willing to tolerate the narcissist’s need to be right, be the center of attention, and be special.
In almost all circumstances, a narcissist will look for a person or group of people, since they may not be able to maintain one monogamous relationship, who are comfortable falling to the background and letting them take the spotlight.
If two narcissists were dating, the need for the spotlight would certainly devolve into frustrations and conflict.
You have to remember that narcissists, for all of their problems, are very socially savvy people. They are constantly scanning their environment for people to manipulate to meet their needs, and another narcissistic person would be the worst target for them to pursue.
Neuropsychologist and Owner, The Narcissistic Life
They know their interests are focused on themselves more than each other
Although you might think it is unlikely that two narcissistic people are not a great match, they can possibly be attracted to one another and live in a fairly harmonious relationship.
The attraction two narcissists would have for each other is the fact that they have very similar personality traits. They both know that their interests are focused on themselves more than each other, and due to their narcissistic tendencies, they are okay with this.
It is actually seen that they prefer the company of another narcissist, which is also why this type of relationship dynamic can work.
It can be noted that in many relationships (narcissistic relationships included), how close someone’s personality is to their own is a large factor if it will last. Although they both have large egos and strong personalities, they can use this to fuel their own grandiose ideas about themselves and their relationship and therefore keep it going.
It is possible for a narcissistic couple to last a long time, but it also can happen that they cannot provide all of each other’s narcissistic needs, which can build tension between them. This can cause terrible arguments and can cause the relationship to end.
Eventually, two strong personalities can clash, and their narcissistic tendencies really come out. This is especially true if something major happens to one of the partners and the other person is unable to provide the typical comfort and support you would usually receive.
This can cause a significant drift between each other and cause an explosive ending.
Dr. Mitch Keil, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist, Keil Psych Group
They enjoy their collaboration of superiority and all that it brings
They are in love with themselves through one another. They enjoy their collaboration of superiority and all that it brings. Partly because underneath, there is a core of shame they protect against through continual external validation.
If they can keep up the mutual idealization, it works for some time.
When they pick each other, it’s like taking out an additional insurance plan promising never to expose that core. They rely on each other’s “greatness” to keep it at bay.
The narcissistic couple is the classic self-identified “power couple.” They really enjoy the attention and admiration from others in their lives as it serves to stabilize fragile self-esteem (again, for most, esteem is managed both internally and externally, for the narcissistic person, it is primarily external).
Additionally, the relationship is typically functional (at least in the beginning) because it’s not deep. Those with high levels of narcissism are kind of phobic to intimacy. As long as things stay shallow and no one wants more, it works.
Their need for each other’s love is great, but the depth of real love between them is incredibly shallow.
Narcissistic duos typically break up when:
- Someone shows normal human vulnerability or flaw.
- It also happens when the other partner decides they can’t be associated with this or loses all interest based on a perceived flaw, OR
- They feel they are not “getting what they want” and drop the relationship to pursue more.
- It can be sad, though, because what they are looking for to be satisfied is an inner challenge rather than an external partner challenge.
Christy Lincoln, MA, LCPC
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Narcissism Expert | Writer, Choosing Therapy
Narcissists want a partner to manipulate; If they do stay together, it is based on using each other
Can two narcissists date? At first glance, you might think this would never work. Narcissists want a partner to manipulate, a partner who will praise them, a source of narcissistic supply.
How would this work, given their lack of empathy and constant need for approval?
Research shows that narcissists are attracted to individuals who can enhance the narcissistic sense of self-worth but are less attracted to caring individuals.
Like attracts like, even with narcissists. When two narcissists start to date, it can be very reinforcing.
Narcissists present a picture of a world of shared superiority, despite the emptiness and shallowness that is the reality. They can derive narcissistic supply from being part of such a couple. Social media can amplify these feelings as they show off their new love to the world.
I have had clients torture themselves after ending things with a narcissistic partner, only to continue to follow them on Instagram as they enter into a new relationship.
Why are two narcissists attracted to each other? Caring partners tend to leave or are discarded, leaving the narcissist a smaller pool of people to date.
They do not make good life partners, and healthy people tend to avoid dating them. They are scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, when the only partners they can find are other disordered people.
Like all couples, they start off idealizing their partners. Being part of such a couple feeds their egos, and they get lots of supply from people outside the dyad. This can turn to devaluing their partner and blaming them for their core emptiness.
Because narcissists can’t provide love, empathy, or even affection, their experience of romantic relationships is very different from most people’s. If they do stay together, it is based on using each other.
Behavioral Relationship Expert
To see both of them together for a long time would require both of them to have avoidant tendencies
The only way two narcissists could date would be if they were two different kinds of narcissists:
- The vulnerable
- The grandiose (but in a non-pathological way)
People who are actually diagnosed as narcissists would rarely find themselves in this situation because two grandiose individuals would not last as long as a couple.
For example, the vulnerable narcissist, the introverted version of a narcissist, is concerned about how they are perceived and tries to improve how people see them. The grandiose one tends to be charming and is very concerned that they give off that they care in the beginning.
They appear as the perfect valuable trinket (because they come off as very self-important) to the vulnerable ones. The vulnerable one doesn’t want to be emotionally intimate, so in a sense, the grandiose is perfect for them (until they do something callous or say uncaring words to them).
This is where it will be an issue between them, so to see both of them together for a long time would require both of them to have avoidant tendencies. They could withdraw enough from the other person without total loss with avoidant tendencies.
Author | Founder, Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy
We often frame jealousy as a way of showing love or romance
Jealousy is a terribly toxic trait in any relationship, be it platonic or romantic.
Mutual respect, trust, support, and healthy communication should build relationships and friendships. If a person in your life, be it a friend or partner, is jealous of you or shows jealousy towards you, they are unhealthy in your life.
Jealousy is not a flattering or romantic trait. Someone who is jealous is possessive, controlling, and insecure.
There is a big difference between being jealous of someone and wanting what they have. To be to the level of jealousy means they are unwilling to put in the work you’ve put in to have the characteristics, relationships, and things you have.
If you think about it, how would you feel if you knew that a person you had a relationship with resented you because of the people and things in your life? It doesn’t feel good, right? That’s jealousy.
In our relationships, we often frame jealousy as a way of showing love or romance. “Oh, they’re jealous when I spend time with other [insert gender]; they must really love me!” No, they don’t like that other people have access to you.
They are nervous that they don’t have control over you. If they were healthy and secure, they would trust that you wouldn’t do anything with somebody else because they trust you.
Romance is trust and honesty. Romance is showing LOVE, not isolating you from the other people in your life.
So, all in all, don’t mistake jealousy for romance and flattery. It is simply a means narcissists and insecure people use to control, manipulate, and isolate you from the other people in your life.
It’s important to be aware of jealousy as a toxic trait to avoid sacrificing relationships with healthy people for relationships with toxic people.
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If you want to increase your average and grow, you have to surround yourself with the people who inspire and motivate you.
This is a very comfortable relationship—at least at first
This pair makes sense because they attract each other due to common narcissist values.
The common values may include physical attractiveness, financial status, having showy cars, and other status symbols. If they both grew up in families with other narcissists, they also have similar speech patterns.
So their language, banter, and gestures feel very familiar. This is a very comfortable relationship—at least at first.
The “happy” narcissist relationship
Sometimes two narcissists date and even get married. It’s not very common. If they are happy, it’s because they have a very shallow relationship. The relationship is mostly for show to look good for others. They look good together in public but privately lead very separate lives.
The abusive narcissist relationship
In other cases, the more severe narcissists start abusing, the more benign narcissists. The worse narcissist becomes the abuser, while the benign narcissist suffers. So this dynamic becomes very similar to a relationship with a narcissist and non-narcissist.
Founder and Author, Unfilteredd
It is destined for failure because narcissists are novelty seekers
A relationship between two narcissists will start out really well because it will be almost like a competition about which one can seduce the other first.
But a relationship between two narcissists is destined for failure because narcissists are novelty seekers. They’re always looking for the next best thing.
So, their relationship will have a very strong love bombing phase. It will be full of “instagrammable” moments, grandiose dates and gifts, intimacy, and other spontaneous moments. But much like every other single narcissistic relationship, the love-bombing phase will fade away to make room for the devaluation phase.
Narcissists’ dependence on narcissistic supply inevitably ends the relationship
Narcissistic supply is the validation, admiration, reassurance, and acceptance that narcissists get from others. They’re heavily dependent on this because of the combination of the fragility of their egos, emotional immaturity, and suppressed negative emotions.
What is most likely to happen is that the narcissistic supply will get stale, and they’ll go find it from someone else.
Because of their tendency to always need the “next best thing,” they’ll become incredibly bored with each other.
The possibilities for their downfall are endless. Those three things cause them to have an irrational fear of being rejected. So, they spend their entire lives trying to fabricate an identity that they believe will be accepted by society.
Their emotional immaturity causes them to gravitate towards very insignificant things that are glorified and idolized by society today (social media, appearances, money, power & control, etc.).
Why is this important?
Well, nobody can maintain a falsified identity by themselves for a lifetime, including a narcissist.
The narcissistic supply they get from others helps maintain this falsified identity. Without it, their true identity will begin to show, including all their suppressed negative emotions that they are incapable of regulating.
Given that the well-being of a narcissist is heavily dependent on the narcissistic supply, they’re able to accumulate from others. So, when the narcissistic supply goes stale between two narcissists, they both get thrown into survival mode and seek out new sources of supply.
Narcissists are incredibly manipulative, lack empathy, novelty seekers, arrogant, and entitled. A relationship between two narcissists will always end horribly because of their inability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
Relationship blogger, The Relationship Notes
This type of relationship is typically characterized by drama, manipulation, and aggression
When two narcissists date, it can be a tumultuous and dangerous relationship. Narcissists are often attracted to each other because they share almost the same qualities, such as:
- a lack of empathy
- a need for admiration
- and a tendency to exploit others
This type of relationship is typically characterized by drama, manipulation, and aggression. The narcissists will constantly be competing for attention and validation, leading to a lot of fighting and betrayal. Ultimately, this type of relationship is toxic and can be very damaging to both parties involved.
Narcissists want to be the center of attention and will do anything to get it
They are very self-absorbed; they think everything is all about them, they only see their own needs. It can be a troubling dynamic when both partners want the attention. If anyone ‘thinks‘ or ‘feels‘ that the other is getting more attention than them, it will lead to a lot of drama, manipulation, and ugly things.
The relationship is all about what the narcissist wants – not what the other person wants or needs
In a loving relationship, one has to value the wants & needs of the partner as well, but a narcissist won’t do that. It is always about the narcissist’s wants, needs, and interests.
So when two people with their own wants as the only priority, it will lead to a lot of quarrels about the date, time, location, and the ‘type‘ of date they want to go on.
Ultimately, either the two narcissists will learn how to be a loving partner, or they will break up feeling self-righteous.
Recovery & Mental Health Advocate, Rehab 4 Addiction
It is often tough for them to show affection to one another
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which an individual has an inflated sense of self-importance. This means that they require lots of attention from others, lack empathy, and struggle to maintain relationships.
Narcissists often get into relationships with one another, even though it may sound unlikely. Narcissists are deeply insecure inside, so they often feel the need to have control over every situation and person they meet.
Narcissism in relationships
Narcissists try to mold their partner into the ideal person in a relationship. This can produce a toxic relationship built upon false foundations and a lack of communication.
When two narcissists are in a relationship together, it is often tough for them to show affection to one another.
Whilst there isn’t much understanding into why two narcissists attract one another, a recent study suggested that narcissists tend to choose narcissistic partners for the long term.
It, therefore, supports the hypothesis that as individuals, we attract similar, like-minded people into our lives. Whilst narcissistic couples may struggle to communicate effectively, they can certainly develop long-lasting relationships, get married, and have children.
Overall, when dating one another, two narcissists may be completely unaware of their partners’ thoughts and feelings, preferring to live in a state of fantasy revolving around themselves.
Matchmaker and Relationship expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers
They’re often unable to form intimate and loving relationships
Similarities attract. A narcissist’s grandiose beliefs regarding themselves and lack of empathy are quite poignant traits – not easy to find in a partner. Often, they cannot relate to people that pose too many differences and find comfort in a similar personality type.
The result? Unhappiness.
Due to their very base belief systems, they’re often unable to form intimate and loving relationships; mixing two of these prepares you for a disaster waiting to happen.
Relationships are all about compromise… or are they?
Making any relationship last involves compromise at numerous points, which narcissists are often incapable of.
Here comes a flood of guilting, fights, and eventual abuse. The unpredictable chaos is bound to put a strain on any bits of romance present in the relationship, leading to a somewhat dysfunctional dynamic.
Depending on the scale of narcissism, one partner will undoubtedly be dominant – which is why there won’t be true equality.
Hypocritical, much? Perhaps one of the most concerning traits of narcissists is hypocrisy – they want to be treated a certain way but treat others very differently. They cannot stand by their own word – so how can one expect them to stand by their partner?
I’ve seen numerous relationships where one partner hates it when their counterpart flirts with others – but this won’t stop them from doing the same.
Trust is hard to come by and even easier to lose, posing a problem for both of their sanity in the longevity of the relationship. It’s a rollercoaster unlike any other – which is why I always recommend couples to go therapy themselves before trying out couples therapy.
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