It can be confusing when a guy you’re interested in, who claims he just wants friendship, continues to text you every day. It’s like they’re giving mixed signals and aren’t clear with their intentions.
If you’re feeling frustrated about what to do or how to proceed with this arrangement, don’t worry — you’re not alone. Many women find themselves in this position.
According to experts, here are the possible reasons why he texts you every day if he only wants friendship:
That is what real friends do
Isn’t this the equivalent of being “friend zoned?” Friendship can undoubtedly lead to love, but it doesn’t have to. We all need friends as well as lovers.
Why is it that people think that being friends will lead to love?
They want to be in love with their best friend
Therein lies the dichotomy, “I want to be in love with my best friend” versus “Why can’t we just be friends?” Can you be a lover without first having been a friend? Would you want to be in love with someone you didn’t consider your friend as well?
We have an entire genre of romantic comedy movies and songs, with the theme of falling in love with the person who was under your very nose the whole time, your best friend. Taylor Swift’s “You Belong with Me” comes to mind.
After all, if you can’t date your friends, or at least the people who are potential friends, who can you date? I believe that total strangers are out of the question. Dating must start somewhere. Getting to know one another slowly but surely, is a good plan.
Related: How Do You Know If You Truly Love Someone?
It has its benefits
Moving through the friendship phase to the lover phase certainly has its benefits. Too many people skip this step in the process, jumping straight to “love at first sight,” only to find out later that they really aren’t friends. It makes sense for friends to become lovers.
But not every one of your friends will, or can, cross that threshold. On the one hand, there can be a fine line between being friends and lovers, while at the same time, that divide may be a vast chasm.
We can love our friends, but that isn’t the same as being in love with our friends. If all it takes is being friends to be in love, then what exactly is the difference between friendship and love?
Some people will say, “You can never have too many friends.” That is until those friends don’t want the same things that you want, namely either being your lover or having you as their lover.
Both friends and lovers are rare and unique, so it is only natural that we are constantly on the lookout for them in our daily lives. Don’t blink, or you might miss one. Don’t pass up the opportunity to be a friend; that might be your lover.
Don’t you ever wonder why it is that your current lover doesn’t want you to have any other friends? It’s simple, really, because one of the two of you is likely to get the love bug. After all, how did you meet your current lover? It was probably as a friend.
I watched a YouTuber recently, and she kept exclaiming that YouTube isn’t a dating app because she was getting suggestive messages. How wrong could she be? Young people are being conditioned to believe that dating only occurs at a specific time and place.
Dating apps are new, but dating is not. All of life is a dating app. People find others to date in every one of life’s situations, including tragedy. The same can be said of friends. In fact, some of the most unexpected circumstances bring together some of the most meaningful connections. The no-win situation.
Here is the real problem, people tend to create lose-lose scenarios, and then they wonder why they are constantly losing.
Yes, you should want your lover to be your friend. You should also want to be your lover’s friend. It must be mutual.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right frog for you, so you must have a lot of friends to find the one you love who also loves you. The thing is, while you are finding and kissing all those frogs, you are learning more about yourself and what you actually want out of a relationship.
On a side note, frogs don’t turn into Princes or Princesses. That is nothing but false expectations. You can’t plant tomatoes and expect roses to bloom. In other words, you must be a friend to have a friend, and occasionally friendships can evolve into intimate relationships.
Friends and lovers have a lot in common, whereas frogs have nothing to do with Princes and Princesses. You do know that real life is not a fairytale, right?
They know things about you
Naturally, you might develop feelings for your friend. They know things about you. They share something with you and should support you. These are all the same attributes of a lover. The difference is that a lover knows more, shares more, and what they share is more intimate.
Accept that at least some of your friends might see your relationship as more than just a friendship. So too, accept that you may want more out of the friendship than the other person is either able or willing to give. When any of these situations occur, as is likely, remember to be friends.
You can choose to accept, reject, or ignore the information
Getting to know things about friends and sharing things with them isn’t always easy. The more that you know, the more that you choose to accept.
Every time you learn something about a friend or they learn something about you; there is a decision to be made. You can choose to accept, reject, or ignore the information. The more that is known and accepted, the healthier the relationship.
I have created an app to build healthy relationships. My app encourages open exchanges through short, fun interactions. The relationship partners explore and get to know the connection between them.
So, why does he text me every day if he only wants to be friends? Because that is what real friends do.
He might be confused about what he wants
He may be texting you every day because he might be confused about what he wants. He feels that passion for reaching out and communicating with you, but he isn’t sure what he wants at the moment.
Related: How to Tell if a Guy Is Confused About His Feelings for You
As an aside, he may enjoy messaging you even though he isn’t sure what he desires out of it.
He may have just gotten out of a relationship
He may have just gotten out of a relationship and is hurting/grieving that loss, and this is a way to preoccupy himself and have recreation, or he could be plain bored.
He is keeping you as a secondary option or a fallback
Another option is that perhaps he is keeping you as a secondary option or a fallback, just in case whoever he is currently pursuing doesn’t work out. He wants to keep you in the mix in his rotation and on the roster.
He enjoys the attention that he gets from you texting him back
Sometimes guys can be emotionally narcissistic, and he enjoys the attention that he gets from you texting him back. He may also be lonely, and this is a simple way to make contact with another human being, even if it is only virtual.
He may find you interesting and intriguing
It can also function as an ego boost since he can feel like he is attractive, cool, or smart enough to chat with someone of your caliber. He may find you interesting and intriguing and genuinely enjoy your friendly text conversations. He values friendship — and texting daily is his way of maintaining it.
He might be into you but says he just wants to be friends
Whenever we have a vision for how we want things to go, we tend to interpret everything through the lens of our vision.
So if someone we desire a relationship with texts us daily, it can result in experiencing something called cognitive dissonance. This means that we are confused because there is a disconnect between words and actions.
In the emotional part of our brain, we have a picture of the behaviors that go along with an idea. In terms of what someone does when they like you, those images might be attached to the behavior of someone who texts every day.
If he is texting every day and you believe this is an indicator of someone who is into you, it might be hard to hear him when he says he just wants to be friends.
This underscores the saying, “We hear what we want to hear.” It’s not that we’re choosing to ignore what we hear; it’s that we listen to what we believe and see, with our mind’s eye, is believing.
Take him at his word
Regardless of his actions, I encourage you to take him at his word. Because while his behaviors might be confusing to you, his words flow from his heart.
Have you ever heard the saying, “You knew what this was when you signed up?” Listen, if you question him, he will always eventually say, “I told you upfront what I wanted.”
So when he friend zones you, if you decide to take it further, aka “friends with benefits,” understand that you will be a solo passenger after the ride is over. You have to ask yourself, “Is this a trip that I want to take?”
Related: Signs He’s Not into You
Remember the TEXT formula
Whenever you get confused about his text, and his words, remember this TEXT formula:
- Thoughts can cause feelings that aren’t facts
- Expectations lead to disappointment
- Xoxo yourself
- Take him at his word
Lauren Cook-McKay
Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy | Director of Marketing & Content, Divorce Answers
He wants to be open about getting to know you
He’s not emotionally available but may want to be open about getting to know you. If you clearly expressed your feelings, and he said that a relationship is not what he wants at the moment, then there could be a reason for it.
For reasons unknown, it could be because:
- He just got out of a relationship
- He’s not over his ex
- He has other priorities in mind
There are many reasons that may come to mind, but if he isn’t completely closing you off, then that could mean that he isn’t rejecting the idea of developing feelings for you. He just doesn’t want to rush himself.
He could be insensitive about his actions unintentionally
Admittedly, some guys may be clueless about how their actions may impact others unless you say it to their faces.
It is possible that he may not be interested in you at all, and he only truly wants friendship, but he doesn’t think that by acting the same way, he is confusing you or making it difficult for you to move on.
In some ways, it is also possible that he doesn’t understand social cues, and he’s clueless about how his messages could be flirtatious.
He’s leading you on
This could be a narcissistic man you’re dealing with, and his actions may be deliberate. Communicate with him that you’re receiving mixed signals from him, and if he doesn’t tone it down or stop texting you still, he could just be toying with you and leading you on.
Related: 60+ Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist
If he isn’t listening despite constant reminders not to be flirtatious, then it’s time to move on because it simply means he’s inconsiderate of your feelings. He does not want a relationship or a genuine friendship.
People think that he wants more than friendship
Some people say that men and women can’t be friends. They think if a man talks to you, he wants more than friendship. Yet we know that we have male friends — so conventional wisdom can be wrong.
What might the text be all about?
Meeting up or taking you on dates
A man who’s romantically interested in you wants to see you often. He will text you about meeting up or taking you on dates. If he’s romantically interested, he’ll also want to seem cool and impress you. He won’t say much to embarrass himself unless it’s funny and makes you like him more.
He won’t overdo it by texting you all the time. Romantically interested men don’t want to come across as clingy or desperate.
His personal problems
If a man texts you about his problems every day, he’s not trying to impress you. This is something a woman might do. But a man wouldn’t. A man who texts you about his problems just wants an emotional babysitter. And if you put up with his whining, he will lay it on thick.
He is using you as a free therapist, and he knows it. In return, he knows he has to give you something you want. If you have a crush on him, he knows he has to throw you a bone once in a while. So he gives you hope in exchange for your attention.
Ladies, don’t fall for this! A man knows if he’s interested or not from the get-go. And if he doesn’t make moves to go out with you, forget any romantic future with this man.
Do you like being used as a free therapist? If not, time to cut off ties with this guy. This type of guy can lead you on indefinitely — if you allow him to. We have a loneliness pandemic today. On top of that, some people like the idea of someone who cares about them and listens to their problems.
Don’t get duped into thinking you have a future with this man. Unless you want to practice your therapy skills for free, steer clear! You’ll probably end up resentful and feeling angry with yourself and him.
Inappropriate pictures and perverted messages
If he is sending you inappropriate pics or messages from the get-go, he is also not romantically interested in you. He is not interested in being a real friend either. He is interested in being a friend with benefits.
This man isn’t looking to impress you. He may say he’s looking for a friend, but he’s just looking for no strings attached sex. So don’t confuse this type of attention for someone interested in you as a friend or romantically.
Does this happen to you often?
Work with a counselor or relationship coach
If this happens to you often, know that you aren’t alone. Plenty of women are in the same situation. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable. You are valuable — but putting up with this behavior means you probably don’t value yourself enough.
Consider reading dating books or audiobooks for women. For even faster results, work with a counselor or relationship coach. They can pinpoint your problem areas and help you find a relationship with a man who wants and values you.
Related: 20 Best Relationship Books
He could be lonely or needy
If he is messaging you daily, it might be an innocent exchange, and he may well hold your friendship in high regard, which you may feel honored about, especially since he has taken great interest in you. But what sorts of things is he messaging?
Other considerations could be that he is lonely or needy. On the other hand, he may say “friendship” is what he wants but secretly hopes it may develop into something more.
Ask yourself some important questions
This behavior can be deemed intrusive and an encroachment. Allowing yourself to be drawn into a situation that doesn’t serve to improve your life may be counterproductive.
As you cannot control what another does, it may be necessary to ask yourself some critical questions to ascertain whether or not this is something you are genuinely receptive to. Your self-inquiry needs to be an unbiased one.
For instance:
- How do you actually feel about it, ok, uncomfortable or uneasy?
- Do you want to devote this amount of time to him?
- What do you want to do about what you’re feeling?
Whatever you feel empowered to do, act on it. It’s essential to set your own boundaries regardless of another. After all, it is your life, your choice, your decision.
He enjoys your company and feels comfortable texting you
There could be a few reasons why he texts you every day even though he says he only wants friendship. Perhaps he enjoys your company and feels comfortable texting you frequently. Maybe he’s not sure what he wants and is trying to keep the lines of communication open in case his feelings change.
He likes you more than just as a friend but is afraid to make a move
It’s possible that he likes you more than just as a friend but is afraid to admit it or make a move, so instead settles for friendly texts as a way to stay close to you.
Related: 30+ Subtle Signs He Likes You More Than a Friend
If you’re interested in him romantically, there’s no harm in expressing your feelings and seeing where things go from there. The worst-case scenario is that he milks the friendship for texted conversation and attention without ever intending to take things further.
In any case, it’s best to communicate openly with him about your own feelings and intentions to avoid misunderstandings down the road.
Getting a text from someone you have just met is a great feeling; there is always the excitement of the mystery it holds. And when that someone is a guy you are interested in, it’s even better.
But one of the most unnerving and irritating things is when they text you every day but show no signs of moving forward from a friendship.
He’s shy and confused about what he wants
Firstly it could be that he’s confused about what he wants; he could be shy or even just taking his time to figure out what he wants out of it. Another reason could be, and this may not sound the best, but you could be their plan B.
Interacting with you is a great way to spend time with you
Some guys think strategically about their relationships and can be good at doing that through texting. Another common reason is they enjoy talking to you because they like you, and interacting with you is a great way to spend time with you.
He is bored
Last but not least, one needs to look at all sides and understand that sometimes we might not understand certain things, such as the guy texting just for the sake of it but because he’s bored. It sounds awful but understands that there are all types of guys you can come across.
He really wants to be your friend
Based on my experience, if a person texts you every day, it might just mean they really want to be your friend. However, if you have this gut feeling, it could be something more. Be upfront about it with that person.
I have one male friend in my social group who seemed friendly to everyone. He was very sociable and charismatic. He would make everyone feel at ease. He was the definition of “Mr. Congeniality.” He was physically attractive but what made him magnetic was his social skills.
We went out with friends to play tennis, and after a few games, we got introduced to each other. We started texting. It began as simple exchanges over tennis. Tennis was the only thing we talked about at least three times a week.
It started with questions on how to serve correctly and other hobbies; then, it got personal. He would ask about my interests outside tennis. It was like he wanted to know me more. He would message me each day. No day would pass without a message from him.
If you were in my place, you would think he’s emotionally invested. I did, too, but I didn’t want to be embarrassed and come off as assuming.
I confronted him and said:
“Hey, we’ve been talking a lot for a while, and I just wanted to know if friendship is just what you really want. Just messaging to make things clear for the both of us”.
He replied:
“Oh. I really just wanted to be friends. You seemed to be such an interesting person. Sorry if I made you feel there was much more.”
Our exchange was simple, and mind you, all these things I quoted are verbatim! I was lucky to have been in this situation with a guy who was clear with his intentions.
I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship, so I was just cool with it. He’s now one of my most incredible friends, and we laugh about the incident now.
Ask the person what kind of relationship they want with you
I guess the key takeaway here is that if you’re in this situation like me, ask the person what kind of relationship they want with you. It’s for your mind’s sake. Clarity helps relationships thrive, be it friendship or a romantic ones.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a friendship turn into a romantic relationship?
Yes, it’s entirely possible for a friendship to turn into a romantic relationship. In fact, many successful relationships begin as friendships.
However, it’s important to approach this transition carefully and communicate openly with the other person. If you want to take things to the next level, you should be honest and direct about your feelings.
It’s also important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not feel the same way. If they’re not interested in a romantic relationship, it’s important to respect their decision and not pressure them into anything they’re uncomfortable with.
Even if the friendship transitions into a romantic relationship, it’s important to maintain open communication and ensure that both parties are on the same page.
Sometimes transitioning from a friendship to a romantic relationship can be challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity and respect.
What are some healthy ways to maintain a friendship with someone who only wants friendship but for whom I have romantic feelings?
Maintaining a friendship with someone who only wants friendship even though you have romantic feelings for them can be challenging, but it’s possible to do so in a healthy and fulfilling way.
Here are a few tips:
Communicate openly and honestly: Be honest with the other person about your feelings, but also respect their boundaries and wishes. Make sure you’re clear about the nature of your relationship.
Set clear boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries for physical touch, time spent together, and other areas where you have different expectations can be helpful. This can help avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings.
Take time off when you need it: If maintaining the friendship is too challenging or painful for you, taking a break or stepping back from the relationship is okay. Give yourself time to process your emotions and prioritize your own well-being.
Focus on other relationships and activities: Focusing on other friendships, hobbies, or interests that bring you joy and fulfillment can be helpful. This can help you shift your focus away from your romantic feelings for the other person and enjoy the friendship for what it is.
How do I handle it if his text messages get too flirty or suggestive?
If the other person’s text messages become too flirty or suggestive and you aren’t comfortable with it, it’s important that you communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively.
Let them know that you aren’t interested in anything beyond friendship and that their texts make you uncomfortable.
If they continue to send inappropriate texts despite your clear communication, it’s okay to step back or end the friendship altogether.
It’s important to prioritize your own comfort and well-being first. If you’re constantly uncomfortable with someone, maintaining a friendship is not good.
Remember that you have the right to set your own boundaries and express your needs. It’s not your responsibility to cater to the desires of others if it makes you uncomfortable or puts you in a compromising situation.
Should I continue to send him a text message every day if I only want friendship?
Whether you should continue to text someone every day if you only want friendship depends on your own comfort level and the dynamics of your relationship.
If you enjoy talking to this person and value their friendship, then there is no harm in continuing to text them regularly.
However, suppose you feel the other person is getting the wrong impression of you or are uncomfortable with how much attention they give you. In that case, setting boundaries and communicating your needs is okay.
Let them know you value their friendship but aren’t interested in anything more.
It’s up to both parties to establish clear communication and ensure that both sides are on the same page.
Suppose you’re uncomfortable with the amount of attention you receive or aren’t interested in a romantic relationship. In that case, it’s important to communicate that with the other person. This can help avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings down the road.
