Do you have a narcissistic ex with whom you must co-parent? Are you worried about how to interact with them during this ordeal?
Co-parenting can be difficult on its own, but adding in the extra challenge of dealing with someone who possesses narcissistic traits or is diagnosed with narcissism can make it even more challenging.
The good news is that, according to experts, it is possible to co-parent with a narcissist effectively and ensure your children still get what they need for long-term success.
Here are their insights and strategies:
Dr. Kimberly Parker, LCSW, PhD
PhD Candidate, Psychology | Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Healthy Mind Counseling & Nutrition, LLC
You’ve finally removed yourself from the fog of illusion that the narcissist created around you. You have decided to separate/divorce, and you have children together. The way you were treated in the marriage was traumatic, and now sharing custody is going to be made difficult for you.
The narcissist is going to continue their attempts to create trauma responses. The children will be used against you and may be next in line to be abused. The narcissist will create a parental alienation scenario where they attempt to groom the children to turn against you.
Do not utilize the children as a tool to communicate with the parent
In other cases, the narcissist may start emotionally abusing the children, where they blame the child for the divorce. Now, you, as the parent, are finding difficulties with communication with the narcissist. You may find that your now ex-spouse is finding loopholes in the custody agreement to make your life difficult.
These are signs of your Ex being resistant to co-parenting:
- Even though you are separated, you are berated with text messages about your past relationship.
- The conversation is not centered around the well-being of the children.
- The court-ordered custody agreement is not being followed through,
- The children are being triangulated in the communication process; they, in turn, may feel as if they have to choose sides.
- The children are being abused and neglected because you left the narcissistic relationship, which is a means to seek revenge against you.
- The narcissist intentionally misconstrued the conversation in an attempt to create a false narrative to make it appear that the court order is being violated.
- The narcissist accuses you of abuse and neglect of the children, whereas false reports are made.
How to counteract the narcissist and put the well-being of the children first:
- Document all correspondence with the narcissistic parent.
- Keep a written and digital schedule of visitation days and special events involving the children, along with medical appointments.
- Have your children in therapy and for yourself as well.
- Discuss with your children that they can share their feelings with you and go over what is appropriate when communicating with the other parent.
How to communicate with the narcissist about it:
- Stay on a topic that should only be about the children, and if they start to hurl insults, talk about the past, then tell them you are ending the conversation.
- State clear-cut boundaries verbally; make sure it is in the court order and through text/email.
- The less you respond with emotions when conversing with the narcissist disables them from using you as an emotional supply.
- Do not utilize the children as a tool to communicate with the parent; the child should not be put in the center of adult conversation.
- If you have to take your children to the other parent’s home, make sure you have someone with you if possible. This depends on if the narcissist has a history of becoming belligerent and hostile.
- You should also go with your instinct when making decisions on communication with your ex-spouse.
Related: How to Talk to a Narcissist, According to 6 Experts
When you have to co-parent with a narcissist, it can be very stressful, and it is important to have boundaries in place. What drains most parents are the manipulative tactics and traps the narcissist creates. Utilizing these techniques will help to counteract their attack and reduce your stress.
Ellie Borden, BA, RP, PCC
Registered Psychotherapist | Certified Life Coach | Clinical Director, Mind By Design
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be challenging, as their self-centered behavior and lack of empathy can make it difficult to communicate and make decisions together.
However, there are some strategies that can help you navigate this tricky situation:
Set clear boundaries
Clearly communicate your expectations for communication, decision-making, and parenting responsibilities.
Use a neutral third party
Consider working with a mediator or therapist to help facilitate communication and resolve disputes.
Related: What to Talk About in Therapy (60+ Examples from Therapists)
Stick to the facts
When communicating with a narcissist, it’s essential to stay focused on the facts and avoid getting caught up in their emotions or manipulation tactics.
Keep a written record
Document all communication, agreements, and decisions to protect yourself and your children.
Seek support
Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you cope with the stress and emotional challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.
Appeal to their self-interest, not morality
Many people generally tend to argue about what is right or fair. While this is understandable, a narcissist may only care about whether or not they can personally benefit from a situation, not what is just or reasonable.
If you must make a parenting decision that you feel your narcissistic ex may object to, try to think of a reason or several reasons why your preferred course of action is in their best interest in order for them to consider it with a more open mind.
Prioritize the well-being of your children
Keep in mind that the most important thing is to provide a stable and healthy environment for your children, despite the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.
It’s important to remember that co-parenting with a narcissist can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. You may need to be prepared for a long-term effort, and it’s essential to have a good support system and to take care of yourself during this time. Loved ones and mental health professionals can help you cope during this difficult time.
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Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, MSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Board Approved Clinical Supervisor, Choosing Therapy
Know your truth, especially if they claim the victim role
Know your truth because there will be times when you will doubt yourself, especially if they claim the victim role. Be prepared to hear through others about all of the ways you have harmed them and are engaging in parental alienation, etc. — even if you know that these are exaggerated, embellished, or flat-out lies.
But remember that those who believe them are not there for you. Those who are truly there for you know the truth.
Related: How Do Narcissists Treat Their Exes (According to Experts)
Pick your battles
Do not attempt to rebuke every allegation and lie. If it doesn’t involve your children or your livelihood, let it go.
Try not to bash them
Even while defending yourself, keep the focus on disputing the untruths and not on the person doing the damage. Trying to prove your case by speaking ill of this person can have the unfortunate effect of making you also look vindictive.
Your best course of action is to let their actions speak for themselves. Do not attempt to expose them or “prove” what they are doing to you. Focus on keeping yourself and your children safe, happy, and healthy. Eventually, others will see the patterns.
Continue to conduct yourself professionally at all times
It is challenging not to react or to fight back, especially when they try to push your buttons. Make your interactions calm and firm — no emotional reaction.
I have developed a set of strategies that I share with my clients when they have to engage with a toxic person, especially an ex-partner with manipulative traits.
I call it the “N.E.B. technique”: N for necessary, E for emotionless, and B for brief:
- N: Ask yourself, “Is this communication or reply necessary?” A nasty text about how ugly you are? Ignore it. A text about childcare? This may warrant a reply.
- E: Next, construct an emotionless reply. Quick, professional, and concise with no emotion. Do not let your anger show through, as difficult as that is.
- B: Lastly, make the reply brief. One or two sentences will usually suffice. I also recommend waiting about four hours before replying unless childcare or court orders state otherwise. This will allow you to reflect on your emotions and construct a professional and emotionless reply.
Decrease the common links
Do not try to convince mutual friends or family that this person is narcissistic, as this will only backfire and make you look vindictive. Unfortunately, this means that there will be some mutual friends who you have to decrease contact with. There is no easy way to do this, so don’t overexplain.
Simply wish them the best and move on. A simple “I have to take some distance right now and focus on my healing and my children” should work. Ideally, they will eventually see what is going on. If not, they were not a true friend, to begin with.
Related: 20+ Signs of Fake Friends: How to Spot and Deal With Them
Be crystal clear in the expectations you have of the narcissistic parent
You must have clear boundaries in place when co-parenting with a narcissist, and you must also be committed to enforcing those boundaries. Narcissists are extremely manipulative and instinctively know how to play people.
Related: 30+ Signs Someone Is Manipulating You (According to Experts)
To ensure that your child doesn’t suffer collateral damage from the narcissistic parent’s actions, don’t leave your ex-partner any latitude in their parenting responsibilities. Let their past behavior, not their false promises, guide your decisions about what you can expect from them.
Related: How a Narcissistic Parent Affects a Child
Keep everything in writing
Create a thorough parenting agreement and file this with your attorney or another legal representative. This agreement should cover the details of every aspect of a shared custody agreement, including the dates, times, and locations for transferring custody. Not only should you detail every aspect of custody, but you must also specify clear consequences for not following the parenting plan.
Detailed consequences should go as far as involving law enforcement personnel if the child is not returned at the specified time to cancellation of visiting rights for a specified period if the parent fails to show up as scheduled.
Keep communication to a minimum
When dealing with a narcissist, the more space you give them in a relationship, the more space they will take up and the more power they will be ceded.
Keeping your distance and communicating only in writing and only about essential topics is the most effective way to protect your child and yourself from the narcissist’s influence. When communication is required, don’t let your feelings control the narrative — stick to facts and data, not feelings and impressions.
