It’s never easy dealing with someone who has narcissistic traits, especially when they’re trying to pull you back into their orbit. You might hear things that sound sweet, apologetic, or even sincere.
Now, let’s be real for a second—these phrases can sometimes make you second-guess yourself. You might think, “Wait, maybe they’ve really changed this time.” But deep down, there’s this little voice reminding you of the patterns you’ve seen before.
Trust me, it’s not your imagination! They would say whatever it takes to get back into your good graces.
Our experts revealed some common phrases people with narcissistic tendencies might use to reconnect with you. So, what exactly do they say to get you back?
Clinical Psychologist | Professor of Psychology | Author, “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”
Nobody will ever love you the way I do, I see something in you that no one will ever see.
This is a seduction wrapped in gaslighting. It’s actually a bit of an insult too. Obviously, someone else would love you as you are lovable.
This is actually a statement of control and isolation. It’s clever because the narcissist is trying to make it sound as though your love story is “so special,” and they see your “specialness.” If you have never felt special or came from a family where you didn’t feel special—this can be very seductive.
How could you leave me at such a difficult time, when I’m down?
This is the narcissist playing the victim. Narcissists are, at the core, very vulnerable and get triggered when there is any threat in their environment—including abandonment. It leaves them feeling vulnerable which feels shameful to them.
This statement casts them as a victim and plays upon your guilt. And if you have a co-dependent bone in your body then you will likely fall for this and stay around to try and “do the right thing” or “fix them.”
I will get therapy. I know what I did and I didn’t treat you well, I will be better and work on myself.
This is future faking. The narcissist promises a scenario down the road, and you go back in, assuming they will follow through.
I am sorry I have been such a commitment-phobe. You are right, let’s move in together/get married and have a child.
This is also future faking and giving you a promise of something you want to get you back. Maya Angelou often cites a wonderful African proverb: “Be careful when a naked man offers you a shirt.”
This is not only a future fake meets love bomb/hoovering to get you sucked back in, but it can also suck you into something more difficult to get out of.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist | Author, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew
Narcissists make things about them. They will do or say anything they can to get their needs met. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist and they want you back, but you don’t want that, prepare yourself for guilt, manipulation, and bargaining.
Guilt
You’ll be told that you are hurting them and you’ve done something wrong by either ending the relationship or not reuniting with them. They’ll ask if they don’t matter to you anymore.
Don’t buy into the ways that they blame you for their feelings. You can say: “I care about you, but I just don’t think we work well together anymore.”
Manipulation
They will try to change your mind by any means. Whether it’s guilt, shame, tears, anger, or pleading, they do their best to convince you to change your mind.
You can say: “I know you want us to get back together, but I’m not going to feel bad about my decision no matter what you say.”
Related: Warning Signs of a Manipulative Partner
Bargaining
They will promise that they can change or tell you how they have changed. They will talk in generalizations about how you can be a couple again but do it better.
Don’t fall for it. Unless they are willing to go to couples’ therapy for a minimum of three months with someone who understands narcissistic personality disorder, don’t negotiate to get back together.
You can say: “I appreciate your comments about change and how you will be different, but I’m just not comfortable being in an intimate relationship with you.”
Ann Dypiangco, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Psychotherapist | Co-Founder, Resilient Rebound
I listened to *insert a song or musician that was important in the relationship* the other day and thought of you.
Whether or not this even happened, this text is meant to get you thinking about the good times you had together. Mind you, what is written in the text isn’t as important as when the text comes.
Narcissistic exes know to ping your phone on a weekend evening when you are alone or during the middle of a busy workday when you need to be super focused.
Their timing is impeccable. They make these moves after enough time has passed from your last blowout and your initial anger from the breakup has waned. It’s like they have a 6th sense for knowing the most inconvenient or vulnerable time to make your insides feel upside down.
Their next go-to moves via text are usually along the lines of:
Did I leave *insert one of your ex’s belongings* at your place? I need it for *insert an event with a pending deadline, like a work meeting or birthday party for one of their nephews that you adore*.
They set it up around a seemingly innocent request so that if you don’t respond, you will look like a terrible, unreasonable person. Dang! They’re good, aren’t they?
Now that you’re conversing about what your ex needs for the event and the deadline, the door to talking about the relationship is open. This leads us to a fork in the road.
If your ex is a Grandiose Narcissist, the conversation will go somewhere along the lines of reminiscing about the great times you had together and then:
Why would you give up on us?
If your ex is a Vulnerable Narcissist, they will bring up the hardship they are facing and how desperate they feel dealing with it all alone. No one understands them or makes them feel like you do. And then,
Why would you give up on us/me?
And that’s where the paths reconverge. You start to find yourself sliding back into some of those familiar feelings, second-guessing yourself, and tongue-tied on how to answer. Because it has been lonely… and there were good times… and yeah, it got bad, but maybe… it wasn’t that bad.
If these tactics sound familiar—then you’ve definitely tried to break up with a narcissist.
Jessica Ortiz, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist | Owner, Catalyst Therapy and Consulting
Play the Victim
Regardless of what they may have done to push you away (physical aggression, intimidation, harassment, name-calling, belittling, mocking, or more), narcissists can find a way to distract you from the real issue of their behavior and paint themselves as a victim.
They may say they only called you names, lost control, or called a million times because they are so worried, so stressed out, or they have worked so hard. They may say if you really cared about them, you’d be working harder, calling more, or spending more money on them to maintain the relationship. They may say you are ungrateful or unappreciative or get moved to tears about how hard they try to be good enough for you.
Play the Hero
Narcissists may excuse bizarre or unreasonable behavior as being done out of concern for you. They may say their actions are because they care about you so much or that they want what is best for you.
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They may try to highlight their generosity and point out how much they do for you. They may try to take credit for fixing a problem they created, inserted themselves in, or had nothing to do with.
Don’t take the bait!
Do you find yourself starting to question how you could’ve tried harder, made more effort, or better demonstrated your appreciation? Do you feel pressured to show up at another event to show your “loyalty?”
Proving yourself, atoning, arguing, or explaining gives the narcissist the power, attention, and control. It is okay to not take the bait.
I’m sorry for hurting you and I promise to make it up to you.
This is the main trick used globally by narcissists of all types. He/she may appear with flowers, chocolate, or nice presents in order to make his/her partner forget all wrongdoings and create an illusion of a better future.
I love only you.
They usually try to make you believe that other people are only for “fun.” The only person they really love is you. Influence and attraction are the fundamental features of narcissists.
There’s no doubt you are unique and special, but the narcissist doesn’t appreciate those qualities in you. The most important thing for them is to keep the number of his or her fans high. The more people adored them, the better. The reality is that they are telling their other partners the same.
Using Everything They Know About You to Get You Back
From promising what you always wanted: a house, children, the life of your dreams—anything that will make you tick.
In the hoovering mode when they try to get you back, they will apologize, and they will make you feel understood that they are conscious of all their wrongdoings and will promise you that these won’t happen again.
They will take you out for dinner, buy you flowers, and take extra good care of you to make sure you are pampered and loved—the typical love bombing phase when they’re trying to hoover the victim to be in their inner circle again.
They will magnify all the good moments between you two and minimize the bad ones as if it was just a wrong perspective of reality you had (gaslighting technique).
Using the Soulmate Line
Narcissists make you believe that you are made for one another, that what you have is so unique that it would be such a big mistake to let it go because of a misunderstanding (they change your perception of reality to their benefit).
Say Things That Would Change Your Mind About the Past Relationship
I’ve started counseling.
Hoping that this would be enough to change their exes mind about being with them and seeing that they have taken a positive step to change.
I am sorry for hurting you, I will make it up to you. No one has ever made me feel the way you did.
Their attempts to get you back will be full of promise and loving gestures, giving you everything you ever wanted from them and creating this perfect person for you to see how much they have changed.
Pass on the Blame (If They Fail to Get You Back)
When their attempts to be the perfect person fail, their focus moves to how to make you feel that the relationship breakdown was your fault, making you feel guilt and shame, as if it is you who needs to gain their forgiveness.
You’re being so manipulative, no wonder no one else likes you.
Belittling their ex, making them feel that they are less than they are, that no one else would consider loving them and being in a relationship with them. Making them question their self-worth, questioning if there is actually something wrong with themselves.
With a narcissist having a grand sense of self-importance, they don’t seem to understand how someone does not want to be in a relationship with them, living in their fantasy world where they are the center of everything, then they get rejected they start to manipulate people into doing what they want.
Narcissistic people have a huge impact on people in their lives, and this influence isn’t a positive impact. Narcissists want control over their lovers, and when a lover leaves the relationship, the narcissist will do anything in their power to get the individual back.
There are several stages that a narcissist will use to try and get their lover back.
Stage One: You’re Still With Them
Narcissists who are at fault over an issue or disagreement will often say, “I’m sorry, but…” This is a fake apology because they aren’t truly taking responsibility for their actions.
Narcissists will also use the phrase “It’s all your fault” when the other person is often not responsible for the situation.
Another classic narcissist phrase that keeps the victim on the narcissist’s carousel of control:
Why would you do something like this to me when you know it hurts me?
Stage Two: You’re Going to Leave Them
When narcissists know that you’re one foot out the door and they’re losing control of you, they will step up their affection and admiration towards you, which mimics when you first started dating.
Common phrases that narcissists use in stage two are:
- “I love you.“
- “We like the same things.“
- “We’re soulmates.“
- “Look how great we are together.“
Stage Three: You’ve Left Them
This stage is when the narcissist is at their most angry and potentially dangerous state. This stage often creates opportunities for domestic violence because the narcissist realizes they no longer have you under their control.
Common phrases used by narcissists in stage three include:
- “You can’t live without me.”
- “You’ve done all of this to hurt me.”
- “I can’t live without you.“
- “If I can’t have you, then no one can have you.“
They will do whatever they can to attempt to get control over you.
Unfortunately, narcissists rarely change their behavior and most often blame others for their issues. Once you decide to end a relationship with a narcissistic person, you should truly end it. Don’t engage in any conversations, texts, meetups, etc. with a narcissist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do narcissists try to get you back?
Narcissists may try to get you back to regain control or feed their ego. They often don’t like losing control over someone, so they use charm, guilt, or manipulation to pull you back into the relationship.
How can I tell if a narcissist’s promises are genuine?
It’s common for narcissists to make big promises when they want you back. However, these promises are often short-lived. If their actions don’t match their words over time, it’s a sign that they’re not genuine.
Why do I feel tempted to go back even when I know it’s not healthy?
Narcissists can be very convincing, especially when they know your emotional triggers. It’s natural to feel conflicted. Remind yourself of the reasons why you left and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to stay strong.
How should I respond if a narcissist tries to get me back?
Stay calm and firm in your decision. It’s important to set boundaries and stick to them. If possible, limit contact and avoid engaging in emotional conversations that might pull you back in.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissist trying to pull you back in is tough. They know what to say to get to your emotions, and it’s easy to feel confused or even guilty. But remember, you deserve relationships that make you feel valued and safe.
Stay focused on what’s best for your well-being. It’s okay to put your needs first and set boundaries that protect your peace. If you’re ever unsure, lean on friends, family, or a professional for support.
You’re not alone in this.
